Husband blaming me for our kids...

My partner gets up at 4am three times a week for work. He does finish by 2pm so on those days he collects the kids from school (I work full time and do morning drop off), does their dinner and any other parental/domestic stuff until I get home (5:30 - 6ish depending) and also do parenting/domestic stuff. He then goes to bed at 8pm and sends middle up bed while I read to youngest. I send oldest to bed when I am done. He will youngest story if she asks.

He is being a dick to leave you to struggle but also, stop allowing it. Sit him down and tell him what support you need/would like and divide up the evening tasks. If he won't do that then I expect you have to ask yourself how worth your sanity this relationship is.

There's not much point telling people not to have twins.

I have four children with almost identical age gaps as yours, although my twins are almost 10 now(it gets easier, hang in there). When they were younger, it was incredibly full on, overstimulating, exactly as you describe, and I was so stressed and shouty. It was a really difficult stage.

I also worked part time then (full time now) and when my husband came in from work, exhausted, it was all hands on deck and he did his part with the kids, housework, whatever. If he had taken his dinner away for a quiet time I would have lost my shit. There was too much to do! Neither of us got time to ourselves except very rarely (again, it’s better now).

We had a lot of rows about housework and such during that period as we were both frazzled. But if he had expected me to do his share as well, i doubt we’d still be together. I really feel for you OP and I hope that he will step up and do his bit. He’s not helping you out, this is part of the lifestyle he has chosen and he needs to carry his part and not expect you to do all the heavy lifting.

His not doing nearly enough. Working is something most adults do, it just is what it is. Family life is a joint job, so you get from work and both do what needs to be done. He works full time and you work part but have ALL the home responsibilities, so you’re in an infinitely worse position than him. My DH works full time, I’m a SAHM, our kids are 7, 5 & 3. I do school runs, packed lunches, dinner, uniform etc. We alternate bedtimes, washing up, tidying in the evenings is all shared. I can’t believe he is sitting on his perch judging you for not doing a good enough job when he is doing f all! Makes me so angry.

I can’t believe he leaves you to put 4 kids to bed solo!

I have 3 (incl twins - one with significant needs) and it’s a bloody nightmare. When home it’s all hands on deck.

If he thinks it’s so easy then you need to get out of the house and let him see how bloody easy it is.

Im furious for you

Get rid of him??? That's bonkers advice, that will leave her under even more strain.

It’s absolutely not right to ask a 9 year old to help with childcare.

I personally would give up work for a while. You’re both worn out. I understand your job is important to you though so is there enough money for a cleaner once a week?

Won’t help with dealing with 4 children almost single handedly but will take the household pressure off a bit.

Then parenting classes for your husband.

Make a comprehensive list of all the family tasks and tick off the ones that he has to do.

You could choose some age appropriate ones for the DCs too.

In your shoes I’d be exhausted and overwhelmed too and your DH should be helping.
I work 3 days a week and have 3 children, husband works 6 days a week 8-6. A few things that I do that have helped me are

1. do the food shop on one of my days off and meal plan for the week.
2. on the days I’m working I either chuck stuff in the slow cooker or use a batch made meal I’ve made on my day off.
3. Get up before everyone else and go to bed early.

My friend is the super organised queen so each of her children have a 5 plastic drawer set in their rooms which are labelled with the days of the week and has the right things in each drawer ie pe kit, football kit etcfor that day so that the children just grab it from the drawer.
Her laundry system is a set of cubes that are separated and labelled in white and coloured and the children put their own washing in them.
I always admire her systems and say I’m going to implement them but I never do as I can’t be bothered and then curse the mornings I’m still dashing around looking for stuff.

I love my 40 minutes in the morning before I wake up the kids, I drink a hot drink without interruptions, put on the porridge for breakfast, line up the packed lunches (prepped the night before) chuck a load of washing in the machine on a timer so it’s just finishing as I walk back through the door in the evening. It does mean though that I’m usually heading to bed for 9.30 once it’s all quiet to read/go to bed as one of ours still wakes in the night 🥴
My DH hates mess and untidiness but knows to grab the hoover and pitch in rather then strop about it, I do more because I’m home more however he always says it easier to go to work than sort out everything at home.
I used to work 4 days a week and found that we never had time, weekends were spent catching up on the chores that hadn’t been done during the week. I dropped down to 3 because I was burning out, snappy and grumpy with everyone. If you can alter your hours and can afford to finish abit earlier or drop a day, I would without a second thought.

If the child who kept getting out of bed has adhd/autism, I had the same issue with my child until I started to give her a micro dose of melatonin at bedtime.

I wouldn’t call it emotional dysregulation. Some days my 2 kids push me to the brink - and I bet that’s even easier with 4. No one but no one can be calm all the time when they are running around between 6am - 9.30pm day after day after day.

Sounds more like it’s burnout? Too much for too long without sufficient time for recovery.

He's a bully and you have ADHD

He doesn't sound like much of a partner from your post. Other than money does he bring anything else to the table? Does he even spend time with your children? No wonder you're overwhelmed and overstimulated. Something is going to need to change before you burn out completely.

I'm exhausted just reading it to be fair. Sounds knackering. You're a trooper for even being able to work part time! There is a huge difference between working long hours in an office or wherever and having to look after children at home...

This sounds so hard, you are not being unreasonable at all! But I can see if your husband is out from 4am that he’s exhausted too. It’s a very difficult situation. 4 kids those ages is always going to be difficult, made much harder by you juggling work too. I know you need the mental break but would it not be better to stop work for now til they’re a bit older and use the time to have a couple hours to yourself every day? No chores, no arguing, just silence! You can do something for yourself in the time and then you will have a few hours to get things ready for later to help things flow better?

I have 3 and prep dinner every afternoon - I make thing like lasagne, bolognese or curry etc, that I can pop in the oven or reheat on the stove later. I get all the lunches made etc for the next day at school, catch up on chores, and make sure I have a good 1-2 hour walk every day for myself, sometimes meet a friend. It just works better for our family this way and I don’t feel so burnt out or resentful.

Obviously we take a small hit financially by me not working, but I rather make that sacrifice now and save my sanity!

The one thing about kids is they do get older and arguably it does get easier, and there will be time then to pick work back up then…

4 kids is a lot of kids.
I am not sure I could cope with 4 kids, actually I know I couldn't.
Can you up your work hours and pay for cleaners and get your washing and ironing done for example.
The cleaning gets me, it is so boring and mundane and I would rather work more and outsource it tbh.

Mum of 5 here. 2 have autism and one has ADHD. Like yourself- I’m part time and husband full time. I found that my husband seemed to detached from what our day actually looks like and how easy it is for one link in the chain to come away, so the whole routine would fall apart. The issue for us was that we had one child going through school refusal and husband genuinely thought I was causing this problem by not “trying”. I made him take a weeks holiday to see exactly what our mornings looked like and how challenging things were with our son- lo and behold my husband couldn’t miraculously cure the problem. However, he did return to work and adjust his hours to be there in the morning to at least help deal with it a bit.

While your husband has a very long work day and is providing for you all- the hours he works does impact on the household and leaves you with the lions share of housework. He should be helping with baths, bedtime or even ironing uniforms in the evening.

Honestly you are both going through it. Up at 4am and back by 5am then 4 kids running around sounds hellish but also your life sounds hellish too. It's the period in life you have to endure to get through as it does get easier. I had 3 under 4 and a DH who worked away all week as well as a full time job. Its hard. I just tried to delegate as much as possible, organise as much as possible. It's not easy. Being snappy, anxious and overwhelmed is inevitable. I feel for the both of you x

Isn't he a charmer?

Either quit your job or shame him by pointing out to a LOT of fathers work long hours but still help out at home and have a relationship with their children. When our first child was born, my husband had a long commute into London and would be up at 4am and home at 9pm, sometimes later. He would still get up for night feeds, still help with the house, built a patio, regularly took our children to the park etc..

Next time he tells you that you are useless, tell him that his is the useless one and that he is a bully, too.

I’ve also worked long day and a physical job, so on that level I feel for him. But you just need to slam a red bull and pull your weight as a partner and parent I’m afraid. Honestly I would say he should look for another job, one that won’t involve being up at 4am. You have 4 kids and that involves two parents both pulling their share and (probably) both being shattered most of the time for a few years. On the plus side - they will get older and they will all sleep through the night. It seems never ending now, but they will. Do not give up your job though, if shit hits the fan then that job is going to be really important.

Also I am 1 of 6 children, when it comes to your home as long as it’s clean and safe don’t worry too much about tidy. With lots of young kids you will drive yourself to ruin if you’re too hung up on it being neat and tidy. I have 2, soon to be 3 and I focus on: living room tidy (it’s our space and they don’t really play in there), kitchen clean and no trip hazards (tidy once they go to bed if I’m not zonked), their rooms no trip hazards and shove any shit in a box at the end of day. As long as you’re not gonna trip over a toy car and fall on your arse, it’s fine for now.

I have 4 kids and my partner works and there’s no way he’d come home and complain about the mess. He knows my job is harder than his, even though his job is bloody hard too.

He comes home after working all day, tidies up any mess he can see, plays with the kids and makes dinner if I haven’t. Your husband needs a reality check. You’re a team, he should be picking up what you can’t.

2 of your kids have ADHD and autism so chances are that one or both of you and your dh does too. Have a think about it because if it is the case then it needs to be factored in when looking at how you're both coping with such a busy household.

This is what I wanted to say. Working full-time doesn’t mean he gets to check out of parenting completely. Even if you were a stay at home parent, you would still share the housework and childcare load 50/50 when he’s not at work!! That’s how it should work anyway.

I would get rid of him, your life will be so much better. You can apply for some benefits and he can have the kids by himself for a few days a week, you can have the space to breathe.

Then he absolutely slams me, shouting I should get up earlier like 'he' does and sort their clothes for school, make them clean their mess, get them in bed at X time

So if you get up as early as him, who will do all the parenting, cooking etc in the evenings? If he can't possibly muck in after work because he's tired from being up so early, won't the same apply to you?

He's being entitled, he decided to have kids, he doesn't get to opt out of parenting just because he works.

I'm not surprised you are both snappy. The whole thing is unsustainable.

Why does your husband go out to work so early every day? Is it a shift pattern so he has some days off?

Those working hours are part of the problem. I appreciate this is easy to say but is he travelling a long way? How did that come about? Is there scope for any change?

In terms of the kids, the way he has spoken about this is out of order but there's a grain of truth in what he says.

The twins are five now so at the stage where they should be able to start to do a bit more themselves in terms of getting ready for school. Laying out their uniform in a set place might not be a bad idea.

Similarly a horrible couple of days of establishing bed time routines and how you return them to bed is needed. But you are too exhausted to do it alone.

Agree a plan together to get on top of this. Can he take a day or so off? Perhaps he could take them all to the park for an hour or so at the weekend and you can have a nap. Then you will be in a better place to start managing night.

Same with house. Take it in turns for an hour in the garden with all the kids while the other tackles a room.

Get rid of any clutter you don't need. Sort through the old clothes. Make your space easier to manage.

And I wouldn't normally say this but you sound burnt out. You could call in sick for a day or so and catch up on a bit of sleep/get on top of things. Because if you don't find a way to manage it will make you ill and for much longer than a day or so.

It needs to be a joint effort though. This is too much for one person..