Husband blaming me for our kids...

I'd agree with this. It's easy to get steamrollered into feeling very inadequate.

Have a read around how ADHD presents in women.

They ARE young children, hence tidying and cleaning is not a one-time deal. So we should really dispense with 'advice' that treats it as if it is.

How was his mother with him? Often men were spoiled by their mothers and they don't understand why their wives can't be more like their mums. And when things start to unravel for whatever reason, they blame their wives for not sorting things out for them.

This is classic parent/child stuff. Would he go to therapy with you?

Sorry but that’s absolute bullshit. He thinks because he works a long day he doesn’t need to parent his children?!

I know plenty of parents who do 12 hour shifts as single parents, yes the kids do have to step up but with two parents in the house that is ridiculous. My own exH did long hours driving - 11 hour shifts starting at 3. Only 2 children but he still managed bath times with both every night. Ours are 19 months apart so not gonna lie it was difficult at times. Exhausting. He would still do house work and cook too (was a better cook than me at that point). He is ex because he was a shit husband, but has always parented our children.

Your husband sounds like he doesn’t enjoy or accept being part of a family. He needs to step up or step out.

In the meantime do you have anyone that can help? My parents were useless and did nothing, but inlaws used to come and take washing sometimes. I hope you have someone that can help you through this situation. 💐

I have four boys under 8 years old and a part time job too and you literally described my day and my husband doesn't go and eat on his own. On the contrary he goes to work from 5am to 4:30pm (he is an electrician and he does really heavy work) and then comes back home to help to look after the boys while I cook or sometimes he cooks as well or cleans. Its impossible to do ot by yourself. What I mean is that the stress you are having is normal, I feel like this and is nothing to do with your capacity is just very overwhelming being with children all day or trying to sort them plus going to work. You are doing great, he should be doing more to help you, you are clearly overwhelmed and with justification plus imagine the hormones and the body is tired after having the babies, don't be hard on yourself.

What was the thought process behind your post ????

If he thinks he could do better maybe he should quit his job and do all the childcare and you work full time.
He sounds like a complete twat. Your life would probably be easier and the children more settled if you didn't have to deal with him.
I understand leaving for work at 4am must be really tough but so is caring for 4 young children, adding in the autism and adhd makes it even more difficult.

They aren’t toddlers. They’re old enough to play quietly, be in the garden or help their mother.

This is so brilliantly written, so much excellent advice here.

Tell him taking care of four kids is far more work than his job.

I shudder at the thought of 4 kids. I’m stretched with 2 and just pity those with so many kids. I don’t know what to say op, it sounds too much.

100%

YANBU

He chose to have 4 kids. It’s his equal responsibility to parent them.

You sound very stressed and burnt out. Totally understandable. This is making it difficult to parent the kids, who neither of you should be shouting at. No judgement (most of us have done it). But should obvs be avoided. You need time and support to allow you enough rest to regain your strength and feel calm. Your DH shouldn’t view parenting as being harsh enforcer or ‘the bad guy’. He should be kind and give his kids his time and support. Calm parents = calm kids.

IMHO you need a serious talk with your DH about how to manage your income, childcare and household chores. Your DH should expect to share the load equitably. Sure, if he earns more in a demanding, tiring job, he needs time to rest. But parenting four kids of those ages and doing all/most household chores is an equally demanding, tiring job, and you also need time to rest. You’re basically doing all the childcare and housework while also working P/T. No one should have to get up at 4:00am to manage, especially if you’re not sitting down for the day until 9:30pm!

My advice is don’t give up your P/T job as that gives you a foothold in the job market, a life outside of home and family (where you’re not just mum and wife) and helps with current and future financial independence. Your DH needs to arrange his working hours so he can help more with childcare, e.g. on the mornings/evenings when you’re at work or weekends.

Four kids of those ages, even without ND, are hard work. The mess, squabbles, bedtime battles, school needs, activities, endless ailments that spread through the household etc. You can’t expect a perfectly tidy, well-run home and calm family life. Sure, you can expect the kids to tidy up their stuff and help out with chores, so you’re all working as a team. But it’ll inevitably be chaotic and tiring to a certain extent or at times, however well-organised, firm with the kids and hardworking you are. There are always curveballs. No one can keep it up day in day out. We all have dips in energy, especially women, due to menstruation and perimenopause.

So, your DH’s expectations are unrealistic, as he’d discover if you swapped roles for a few weeks or he became a lone parent and had to care for the kids 50/50 and do all his own household chores. Or even if you were hospitalised or (heaven forbid) died. What would he do then? Pay for a cleaner or more childcare? Change his working hours for a better work/life balance so he can be there for his kids? In which case, he may need to consider that now if you can afford it. If you both behaved like your DH, who’d look after the kids, cook and do the housework? Why should he expect you to be the one to compromise and juggle work and everything else?

You have to go easy on yourselves and each other when you have young kids. You have to all pull together as a family team. Not shirk responsibility and blame. They’re not young forever, though appreciate ND kids often need a lot of support throughout childhood/teen years. But it should get easier once they’re a bit older and don’t need quite so much attention. Hang in there 💐

Kids aged 5-9 are old enough to be told not to make a massive mess when the house has bed tidied. They should be putting their own school shoes/coats/bags in the designated place (under stair cupboard? Hooks by the door? Wherever). Mine would then be told to sit at the kitchen table to colour or draw, or heaven forbid could they maybe have 30-45mins of telly? Or play in the garden.

Mum of two here (married) - 14yo ds has adhd and 8yo dd is on autism & adhd diagnosis pathway. Our life since dd came along has been far from easy and about two years ago I suffered burnout due to constantly high stress levels as a result of dd's emotional dysregulation and school avoidance. Dh very likely has adhd too (undiagnosed, but coming to the realisation that he has struggled throughout life in similar ways to both our dc). But he has always, always, tried his hardest to support me and the kids, both practically and emotionally. When I told him I could no longer do my job (also highly stressful) he supported my decision - even though at the time I didn't have another job to go to. Even when I was not working, he ensured I had time to myself, ran me a bath, took dd on bike rides, washed, tidied, did school/ childminder drop offs and pick ups.

Thr dynamic you describe is unfortunately not unusual where there is neurodivergence in the family. It's often the mum/ wife who ends up doing everything. It's why 80% of parents with ND children separate, and it's why the mother is often left taking care of the kids post-divorce.

Op, it has been unbearable at times in our household, with both of us (mostly) functioning and trying very hard to work as a team. You have four dc, two of whom are ND, and 'D'H who isn't really functioning (for you) either. You must be at absolute rock bottom, broken. I know how I felt two years ago and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I am almost certain that it is that either your dh steps up, or you will need to ship out. You cannot continue as you are. Would you/ he consider counselling? Might you/ he also be ND given the strong genetic link? I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Then what happens when four kids get home and start playing and you're making their dinners?

What does he do apart from from work? It sounds like you work and do everything for the kids and house.

Quite possibly. The OP referred to it as such, which was what I was responding to. I suffered with it massively, so it isn't an insult from my point of view.

To add that I completely agree with @OnyourbarksGSG(great post) that time is your most precious commodity.
I have an early finish one day a week which has meant I get less pay but it’s brilliant. I have time to get home and I just lie down! I used to do jobs but I soon realised I was better off just lying down and relaxing because that made me feel recharged and ready.

I try not to think badly of my husband. We had an argument recently and despite me seeing all of the things I do (and I do a lot) I was minimising what he does. I hadn’t thought about the times he cancels plans because one of the children needs us, when he does the shopping so I don’t have to, when he rearranges a meeting so he can take one of them to a club and his full time job. It’s made me look at things more from his point of view.

Not if you are on your knees with exhaustion or have a sick child. I could do none of that.

12 hours is a pretty long time. I can clean my house top to bottom in 3 hours, then spend 1-2 hours tidying and getting organised. Then I'd spend 4 hours batch cooking in one go - make all the mess at once then clean up and the result should be 2 or 3 nights a week when dinner is just a quick reheat in the oven of a cottage pie, or whatever. Couple of loads of laundry could be shoved through alongside this. You can get loads done in 12 hours.

What's the point of him?

Give him the choice of splitting and getting 50/50 custody meaning he'll have to parent his own kids 3.5 nights a week and do all the housework, or starting to actually parent his kids 3.5 nights a week whilst you are together.

The 9year old should not have to be stepping in and helping parent when there is a perfectly good actual parent - dad! - in the house!!

Why is a 9 year old expected to step up instead of him? Jesus wept.

OP you need to sit your oh down at a time you are both calm and rational, and discuss the division of labour in the home. How many hours do you work? He doesn't get to opt out of domestic stuff entirely just because you work fewer hours, unless you are for eg only working say 1-2 days a week and have 3 full days while the kids are at school to get stuff like cleaning, cooking and organisation done.
Bedtimes sit outside this - these aren't household chores this is time with your children that he should want to share in. Was he not on board with the 3rd pregnancy as he doesn't seem happy?

This all said.... Is there a chance you are a bit soft /unwilling to be firm with the kids and this is contributing? It does sound like they are quite hard, most kids by 5 are past the being naughty at bedtime. The fact that he ends coming in and being firm suggests he doesn't think you are being firm enough with them. I'm guessing there's a balance between his approach and yours.

Also, if you do have several days off in the week are you using the time effectively to tidy/clean, and get some batch cooking done?

He treating you like someone he’s employed to bring up his children and tidy his house. Even then he wouldn’t get away with speaking to them like that.
Him having a job doesn’t mean he gets to bypass his role as a parent.
It sounds like the only person not managing their time and responsibilities is him.

So she has approx 6 hours twice a week to rest, clean, cook, shop, do laundry and do anything else needed for the household? Theres lots of daily jobs that wouldnt be resolved by having this time too.
and you would be wondering why she isn’t managing, rather than wondering why her husband isn’t using his evenings to contribute to the house? Interesting.