Husband blaming me for our kids...

4.am to 5pm is 11 hours, Hardly a long day Sleep for 8 hours undisturbed sleep and that still leaves 5 hours of leisure time

6.15am to 9.30pm is an even longer day. That is 15 hrs 15mins. 8 hours of broken sleep and that is 45 minutes of leisure time (at the most)

She needs a husband who will pull his weight not one who gets too tired to do anything after an 8 hour work day an hours commute away.

Personally I would try getting up with dh and clocking off at 5 pm

Kids can put themselves to bed and get their own dinner after all you will be too tired to do anything after 5pm and as you got up at 4am to sort everything out you can do exactly what your dh does

maybe make your own dinner then go and eat in the bedroom and not respond to any child or dh as you need a break

I think ‘D’ husband needs to do a shift like yours one day to see what state the house is in. Disappear for a spa day?!

With advice like that and a husband like that, she needs more than bloody luck!

Looking at it from a fathers point of view he does have a point, 4am till 5pm each day is a long day! And maybe you need to be better organised and maybe thats something he can help you with, but the kids are obviously in full time school so what hours are you working? Do you need that job, can you not survive of just his income as I would rather have a happy organised home than what seems to be going on here.

One thing I would say though is maybe he needs to be a bit harder on the kids who are playing up as father's do a much better job of dishing out the discipline so he needs to be doing his part and although he is doing long hours he still needs to help out.

Good luck, sounds like you need it.

wow your husband sounds like a douche bag! Where was he all night? Get your ducks in a row and be prepared to loose the looser

I don’t know if this has already been said, but you need to apply for DLA for the 2 children with autism and ADHD.
Get someone who knows how to fill the forms in to help… go by how much help they need on a bad day…have it paid into your account and I wouldn’t even tell your husband! You might even then be entitled to carers allowance and give up work,
your husband is I presume the father of all 4 children?? He should be helping with bath time and bedtime…. Especially since he thinks it’s SOOOO easy!!
and why the feck does he eat in the bedroom? How disrespectful that he doesn’t eat with you all!!
Id be looking into whether you’d actually be better off being a single mum!

OP I’m hearing you! I don’t have 4 kids just one 7month old who is enough. I don’t get me time either not even 5mins because there is always something I need to do regards housekeeping. I feed him, I change him, I bathe him, I keep up with the activities to help him and wake up early hours to change and feed him. I don’t expect him to do it when he is working but weekends give me a bloody break!!
He goes to the pub 3x a week when he knows I’ve been up with baby all night and day he comes in from work wanting “5mins” and I say to him where’s my 5 mins. I don’t go out unless I can and it’s with baby in tow last night he never came home and didn’t bother to tell me. Laughs saying he got a frosty reception to his mates, all the while I’m the one doing everything. I’m tired and exhausted but it’s never seen and sometimes I do get very upset. I worked full time before my son never off sick and I was even working in hospital the day I had him. But it’s not enough to them. I’ve put my foot down I’m not a fucking doormat and I will not put up with this inconsiderate shite. You need to put your foot down too I hope you find your voice it’s not fair and it’s not normal.

She’s working part time and doing everything . He’s just doing an important man job and then chilling. His day from leaving until returning home is long, fair enough. Hers from getting up with the kids, working, picking up the kids, dealing with the house, kids and their bedtime is longer and more exhausting than his. Why the fuck can’t he tidy up?

Goodness OP you’re a bloody hero! I’ve got two kids (one asd one ADHD) and work school hours and I am ON MY KNEES! It is brutal surviving with KS1 kiddos with Neurodivergence thrown in. He’s a twit and he needs a reality check. Show him all the people on this thread saying you’re mint! He needs to appreciate you are a person with your own needs that he is completely ignoring and letting you down as a partner for not helping you. If he wants a Stepford wife he can bloody well order one.

OP I'm not sure it's helpful to say this, but your husband sounds like a nasty bully. He badgers you for your salary but complains about you having a job? Either one of these things would be crap but both at once is totally out of order.

If he can't cope with the 4am waking and parenting as he is required, it's up to him to find a job with hours that he can deal with. He does not get to opt out of all household work because he works early hours.

I'm not sure what to suggest. Sounds like you will need mediation of some sort. Is there a friend or relative who can step in?

As a more helpful post, sit down. Work out what you do at home, as well as your working hours. Include the weekends too. You should have an equal amount of down time (well, whatever is possible with that amount of children) and should be sharing chores at home fairly, in proportion to your “free” time. Just because someone works more hours doesn’t mean they get to check out if the daily drudge household chores. housework or childcare. I don’t even really know how you’d measure it with a challenging and big family like you have, but the crux of the matter is that it has to be fair. Equal amounts of sleep, equal amounts of chores and equal amounts of child care proportionately. No one parent should be burning themselves out.

Another man thinking because he brings in more money he can check out of everything else.

Hey, that is awful and I feel for you. But if you are working part time can you not use that time to clean up, cook, make things easier for yourself? Your partner has to step up for sure, why the hell did he want 4 kids if he doesn’t want to do any work?!

I completely sympathise with your message. I have 3 children, one with a rare autoimmune disease and possible AuDHD and one with Cerebral palsy/epilepsy/AuDHD. I completely understand the overwhelm.

I struggled for years and years caring and trying to be the perfect Mum, perfect housewife etc and I always found it incredibly difficult to juggle it all. In the last couple of years my health has declined and I am now being treated for Lupus, IBD and I have two different arthritis’. We had not planned for this but circumstances change. We now have 3 members of the family with chronic health issues and my OH has had to accept we need the help.

My OH now does all of the school runs (I’ve been in flares and in and out of hospital last 6 months). He goes to work while they’re at school. I try to do what housework I can but I have Aquagenic Uticaria - I’m allergic to water and heat until my immunosuppressant kicks in. So DH has to do all the bath times, washing up etc. I do all the admin and whatever else I can. This year, with the physical health issues and the immunosuppressant exhausting me I hit burnout. I visited my GP and it was brought to my attention I was showing symptoms of ADHD. I’m now on waiting lists for both autism and ADHD. Even when I was well, I found it all incredibly difficult to manage and I can’t help but see a resemblance with your post. I found YouTube really helpful hearing how other people experience life with these issues and I’m 99% certain I have both. It may be worth looking into.

Also, the reason I wrote this post was to show that circumstances change, people need support and your OH should be stepping up. You have 4 kids - 2 with additional needs! It’s no cakewalk! You’re under a lot of pressure and I don’t think he realises this. My OH used to think I sat around doing nothing. But since he’s had to step in wow has his attitude changed! It took a long time for my DH to accept I couldn’t do it all anymore, but he is now much more supportive. But it took a long time to get here. A few breaks here and there where he lived elsewhere and realised the grass isn’t greener!

If your OH did move out for a while - as he sounds like he’s checked out anyway - you wouldn’t really have it any harder. You’ve got one less person to run after and you will have some of the weekend to rest/catch up with chores. I’m sure if he had to manage 4 children all by himself for one day his tune would change!

Second the Toniebox, great creation. And if you can swing a cleaner to take some more pressure off.

If she would return and answer the myriad questions about her work pattern, and his, we would not have to assume.

He's their dad he should be doing more. Just because he works doesn't mean he doesn't parent. In terms of the kids, I have a lot more than 4 and all are autistic. Unless they're very severe where they don't understand, 5, 6 and 9 are ages they should not be needing you to be tearing your hair out settling them into bed. As i say, if they're severely autistic that's a different story but if not, then you need to learn to put boundaries in place. Don't allow them to walk all over you. They'll only do what they think they can get away with.

Bit of an assumption about her hours there. Part time could be Monday to Friday 9:30-2:30. This isn’t leaving any free time is it?

Just have an organising conversation allocating the household tasks. He has to help more and if too tired due to starting at stupid o clock, he needs to change jobs.
Kids need to help with own tasks like putting away toys etc.
Also, none of this eating alone business. He should see meals as family time. Needs to shape up, not add to your load

Had two lots of twins with only 16 months between them. ex would go to the pub most nights rather than come home to the noise and chaos. It will get better until they hit the teenage years which were for me the worst and when we split up. For now Pack that job in or get something with less hours.

You are doing amazing! I think I would lose my mind in your position.

I really hope your husband pulls his head out of his ass and supports you, both emotionally and on a practical level.

Who the fuck are the 5% that voted that the OP is being unreasonable?

I want a word with you.

Omg he needs a good look in the mirror what an absolute twat letting you struggle through this. Did he not get the parenting memo? The kids are both of your responsibility irrelevant if you work or not. We left them men behind a long time ago. Imagine if every parent who worked full time got out of parenting there would be so many more single parents. Why does he ignore them messing around then steps in like this. Tbh if he had any balls he would help and tell the kids before it got this far. Also if it was me and he thinks your job isn’t needed I would pack it in go to bed when kids are at school for a few hours to get your rest. Then spend your afternoon sorting out dinners etc. but also tell him you are giving up your job to be a present parent and he needs to do the same he’s not exempt from pulling his weight just cause he works. I know it shouldn’t be you choosing kids or work but your health is very important why burn yourself out. one day you could lose it big time and regret your actions I know it’s easily done when your tired and frustrated.

You work from 6am to 9.30pm every day with no breaks. 15.5 hour day. He does 4am-5pm each day with breaks, 13 hours minus breaks, and I bet his colleagues are less work than your kids. I'd ask him if he'd like to swap roles?! I'm not even joking.

I’m sorry OP but your husband is a lazy fucker and needs to step up. He can’t use his job as an excuse not to coparent and do his share. Very typical male behaviour and keep reading it on here again and again. I’m struggling to think anything other than men are just arseholes.

I feel so sorry for your position. I presume you both agreed on having children & I appreciate 4 children can be a handful. We had 4 ( one with Downs Syndrome who was also deaf) but I was very lucky with an extremely supportive husband & a mum who lived next door from the time my youngest was a baby.

I really think you should put your foot down & insist he helps more.