Husband blaming me for our kids...

I think, like many arguments, it is the combination of truth and unfairness that makes this hurt.

I think you know that you aren't doing as good of a job as you want to, hence why his comments hurt so much. If you were 100% happy with what you were doing, you'd easily brush off and laugh at his remarks.

But despite being true they are vastly unfair, because it seems like he isn't pulling his weight around the house at all. With 4 children, he absolutely needs to.

The logical solution (if you have two reasonable partners who can discuss things rationally) is to make a plan that acknowledges both. What you are going to do to improve the situation, and what he is going to do to contribute to the house more. That is how a good team acts.

Phew! Feel tired just reading all of that! You must be exhausted 😩. Please ignore PP saying why have so many. They are here now. Can you see if GDP can help out for a night maybe.DH should not be able to lock himself away.you need to tell him straight They are his kids too and he needs to step up .

The children are at school five days a week. She works part time.
I too would be wondering why things are so disorganized if she has 2-3 weekdays free during school hours.

What??

He’s working long hours.

The kids are at school for many of HER waking hours. Come on.

Ah man everyone is struggling. So much anger, so little time.

Hopefully the 5 year olds are at school now so maybe you can have a day off “sick” and just catch up on sleep and some mindless TV for a couple of hours. When you feel better maybe your husband can do the same.

I think there is lots of husband bashing here ( quite possibly fair!) without the OP really having given much detail.
I think on days he works those long hours and you are not working it is fair for you to do the bulk of the kid work if they have been at school during the day.
On days you both work it should be shared proportional to the hours you have worked.
On days you are both off it should be shared.

Practical things you can do to help yourself on days you are working and then doing lots of kid stuff:

• plan your meals well. Have some quick options/ freezer meals ready. Coming home on days you have worked without something quick ready to go is a disaster.
• make sure you are giving yourself a break on your days off. Schedule an hour to meet a friend for a walk. Schedule some time for a nap or to just chill and read a book. Think about the rest your husband will have in the evening and give it to yourself while the kids are at school.
• but also make sure that your days off are productive. That you aren’t falling into the trap of hours on Mumsnet or similar. Try to get the laundry done etc.
• acknowledge that both of you are knackered and that is just the reality of this stage. It does improve. Try not to turn it into a competition.
• try to give your husband structured ways he can help if he isn’t good at it ‘can you be in charge if 2 pre cooked meals for each week?’
• have very clear ground rules for the kids eg that you never go to the park after school on the days you work, but that you will go two other after school days etc. Have a box with allowed after school snacks in it so they can grab it themselves without having to ask you. Teach them to make a sandwich if need be. If you have four kids they need to be independent earlier than their peers (which is a good thing in the long term).

I’m sorry but if you’re only working p/t then he has a point. I need to wake up at 5am everyday to get myself and son ready for school and I only have one. You already know the kids are a handful - wake a bit earlier to get clothes / bags / lunches sorted so you have an easier time of it.

"Once he's home from work, take yourself off for the evening and let him get on with it."

If your DH. Is up at 4 am and working 13 hours days this is a recipe for disaster.

How many days is he doing these hours and how do you both manage/ split weekends?

How many hours do you get to yourself op?

What he needs OP is a good kick up the backside to show him he needs to pitch in with the kids. He can cook meals, he can clear up and he can put the kids to bed. He can help with the tidying up. You both work outside the home and he is not pulling his weight. Once he's home from work, take yourself off for the evening and let him get on with it. I bet the house won't be sparkling clean and tidy when you return! Really, you need to go on strike for a few days to give him a taste of his own medicine! Then you can sit him down and have a discussion about how to split the childcare and chores.

I'm so sorry. He really is the problem here. He needs to help you, not sit in his room. Not only does he not help, but then he also complains about how you are doing it. We also have 4 children, it really takes both parents helping. My husband is gone early too so I do the morning routine alone, but when he gets in he helps until bedtime, as it should be. I don't think leaving your job is a good idea when you don't have a very supportive husband, you need to have that independence in case you need it.

What days/hours do you work?

Oh OP, when is he parenting these four children he created with you? ❤️

You both sound tired, stressed and at breaking point.

I think you both need a calm conversation to move forward.

He needs to help more. Could you possibly lack some boundaries like he says? Don't see it as criticism but a way to move forward.

Your job sounds like it does make your life more difficult. You mentioned it's for human contact, do you need it financially? There might other options out there for you.

He ridicules your job AND badgers you for your income? This is abusive behaviour. And the rest. No wonder you’re depressed and overwhelmed.

If I were you I’d squirrel this money away. Tell him you want to see if you can manage on just one salary for 6 months since he’d like you to give up your job and you’re thinking of it. You need to start building up a leaving fund just in case.

Then, book a weekend away. Ask a close relative to provide you with an excuse if you need to. Prepare NOTHING for him for the time you’re away. Swan back in at 8pm on the second night and comment on the state of the house.

Your day is far far longer & more chaotic than his. He gets up & goes to one job. He gets back & does fuck all.

You get up at 6:15 am & do not stop till gone 9pm. Your time is spent organising 4 children (I've twin nieces & know full well they are MORE than twice the work!) for every moment of their home life, you work, then immediately go back to sorting children till they eventually go to sleep.

And then he has the TEMERITY to make you feel bad?!

That's absolute bullshit. What is the point of him?

Do get earplugs.
can you take anything off your plate, like can they get any healthy snacks themselves to save you a job. Woukd chore charts or rewards for getting ready in the morning or breakfast in the car or anything like that help? Do you have tume to meal prep on your at home days? Can you afford a cleaner or any other help if he won’t. Are you diagnosed nd and if so are you taking any medication - make sure you are!
4 kids, 2 with Sen is hard. Keep your job it is important, but it sounds like the home balance and planning needs a little rethink.
Maybe worth soaking to your gp too.

to clarify dh is being a dick. He needs to do more housework and childcare. this isn’t your fault. But just some suggestions too to try and help

So he’s out 13 hours a day. He gets a quiet commute to and from work and he gets a full lunch break. Then he eats his dinner by himself in peace and has the evening to himself if he wants it?
you work part time and look after the children every other minute that you’re awake? And he’s critiquing your work ethic? Out of the two of you only one of you isn’t pulling their weight and it’s not you

It's not you.

It's him.

And he's an arse

And a useless husband and father

Four children is hard, when it's were similar ages I felt like I was drowning... The endless noises, fights, "mummy", etc. The word snack used to make me want to scream! It did get easier though eventually and I wouldn't change it now. Your husband should be more supportive!

What does he do from 5pm when he gets home? Sofa?? He needs to be doing his fair share and making sure you have your share of chilling out time. It sounds to be like either of you might need to reduce your hours to manage all the jobs - he won’t want that so he’ll have to pick a job when he gets in to take off your hands. Give him a choice of two things you’d like him to do each night when he comes in, either kids baths and bed or tidy up/cook/dishwasher. And make sure you get to chill out at weekends too.

On a note to support you,
Ear plugs, I got cheap loop style ones, I also wear my headphones with nothing playing.
Snack in the car for the way home. Keeps them quiet. Could play stories or songs.
The kids are all old enough to get their own clothes and bags ready the night before. It takes time to teach but it is so worth it. My 6 year old does it with a reminder.
Have you got a visual to do list for the morning and bedtime? Brush teeth, pjs, etc? This helps my 6 year old, it means rather than me nagging I send him to the list which reminds him. Helps my sanity.
I learnt this at a toddler group, but they okay the mission impossible sound track and the kids had to tidy up as quickly as they can. It might not get it all done, but a good chunk and it is timed.
Rewards- star harsh works for mine. Praising anything small that is good reinforcing the good behaviour and the others hear the praise given to one. It also helps me to stay positive rather than moaning internally. I also let my two give each other stars if they explain and it's a good reason. 25 stars gets a treat or pocket money to be saved for a bigger purchase.
Lastly therapy. Gp can refer or guide you to self refer. Do it for you and do it for your kids. Put your oxygen mask on so you can help them after. That's the way i sold it to myself to not feel guilty about spending time solely on me.
Get a hobby out of the house, leave the house one night a week or EOW and husband does bedtime. You need time for yourself, that helps so much.

Eeuugghh.
How many hours a week are you working, OP?
And are all the kids in school now? Any after school care?

OP you’ve got 4 young kids, I’m exhausted just contemplating that. Add to that your mental health struggles at the minute, I feel for you op. I don’t know what to suggest but I didn’t want to read and run. You need to take care of yourself. Your DP is also clearly frustrated but he needs to be supportive and see that the situation is making you ill. If your job is giving you the mental stimulation you need, don’t let his belittling comments stop you op.

He sounds like a cunt - and anyone childless / with fewer children, reading this - don’t have 4 kids this close together. It’s always going to be hell

This.