To just not really have my kids ‘ under control ‘ a lot of the time.. 3 and 5 years old

I could never get ds to hold my hand. I'd have to grip his wrist really tight otherwise he'd just squirm around and run away. And then I'd get concerned looks as he shouted "let go let go you're hurting me!" I never put pressure on his wrist but he had a 6th sense for understanding what would make me look like a shit parent.

This is like us, only I had DS first - DD is so easy!

DS isn’t badly behaved but it’s more that if he gets something in his head it’s nearly impossible to dissuade him. An example: the other day he wanted to put sun cream on (inside!?) and I said quite firmly but still nicely no, DS, you’re inside. Carried on and I ended up bloody wrestling the sun cream off him.

I'd really recommend the book "hunt, gather parent". It gives a completely different way of looking at our interactions with our kids and shares several concrete strategies of managing behaviour. The writer has travelled to observe the parent-child relationship in different countries and cultures, trying to piece together the most successful strategies.

To give an example, apparently many cultures use stories to help children remember rules e.g. if you don't brush your teeth then the tooth fairy will get sad and take away all your teeth so that she can care for them properly.

Or if you don't get out of the car then the car monster will think you want to play with it. It will slam the door shut and drive you far away - it will take 3 days before it brings you back home. Imagine missing all your toys and not seeing us for 3 whole days!

Caveat, the writer makes clear that this strategy should be used for kids 3 or older because it's only then that they developmentally know not to take the stories too literally. It's sort of a joke/game that the kids know isn't true but what if...

Also that you shouldn't use stories that involve the kids being taken away for ever or anything traumatising like that.

This is just one strategy, there are others explained clearly in the book and they're all based on observations of parenting around the world. Definitely worth a read.

Mine were pretty high energy but I don’t remember it being as you describe, that sounds like hard work.

running / wandering off when you are talking to the teacher? My first question is always: does it matter? Are they safe? if they are in a confined space, then just let them wander. If they aren’t, then you postpone the conversation or you hold their hand firmly until you are done.

Distraction works wonders. I used to use distraction for all kind of transitions - house to car, buggy to house, park to going home, getting out of the bath, whatever. For every transition, a 15 minute warning, then a 5 minute warning, then a distraction at the actual moment of change - mostly asking questions and just getting their attention (what are we going to have for tea? Do you think daddy’s home yet? Are you mucky enough to need a bath or just a wash? Will we have time for cartoons before tea? I wonder if granny’s parcel arrived yet?’). Just anything to get them to focus on me and what I’m saying. Biscuits did help 😂 but it was the attention really. It’s harder work than shouting, but also much better for your relationship. Mine are 14 and 17 now: I rarely have to distract them, but we still talk a lot.

I do think some kids are just naturally like this, I have 5, three of them would never have run off or anything like this, the other two would run as soon as their feet hit the floor and it took a huge amount of effort to stop them doing it. They were also more likely to throw a wobbler or refuse point blank to do something, it took a lot more time and patience to get them to behave.

Mine are 6&7 and can be pretty loopy, get carried away in the house and sometimes I feel that they are both ignoring me … but they don’t run off. I have always been extremely strict on this , and road safety. If they were to run away esp near a road we would go home immediately, they would be very very sternly told off and there would be a punishment.

Of all the things in your op this would be the first thing to focus on,

My ds is like this. DD was in comparison a breeze. She responded well to 'time ins' and all the stuff in the books about talking through behaviour. She'd hate being told off so always in line and she wasn't very physical, much more into books and quiet time.

Then along came ds 😂climbing 40 ft trees aged 16 months, runs and runs everywhere, will not give any eye contact so all the 'how to talk' stuff is useless as you cannot get down to his eye level ever, he has huge tantrums. All that works is racing him and constant engagement so he doesn't get a chance to get more interested in something else.

I don't have any advice op, but just to say don't feel bad!

Dd takes over 2 hours to go down!! Every day 🤦‍♀️

She's 6 and autistic, which means she runs off as well

No-one kids are perfect and hopefully no-one making you feel bad, people can be judgy! xx

Mine were just like this as that age. My husband wouldn’t take them out on his own!! They were wild and would run round shops running off and laughing….they are 10 and 9 now and are really, really good boys and really well behaved, super polite and well mannered. Behave better than most of their peers in restaurants etc. So please don’t worry too much!! I also think when they are close in age they egg each other on!! Xx

I'd start with the running off, they have to hold your hand the whole way to the car. If they moan and whine about it then you calmly explain that you can't trust them not to run off so they have to hold your hand so you can keep them safe. Do this consistently for a week or so then sit them down and explain to them that you will trust them to walk nicely next to you and if they don't then they will be holding their hand again for the whole time.

I don't think all 3 year olds are spiteful, I think a 3 year old can be spiteful. They can know what they're about to do will cause distress and/or physical pain, and still do it. That's being spiteful.

Believing that your child is incapable of being willfully mean to other people is how a lot of children get away with so much for so long.

You know what else helps? Having people around you who will reinforce what you're saying. So say I'm talking to my sister and a kid inappropriately interrupts, both of us will tell the child to wait. It doesn't matter if it's her child, my child, a visiting child or another relative. None of us will have it.

Sometimes when a friend tells your child that they're out of line in a stern voice and you back it up, they're embarrassed into listening. But then you can't be the type of parent who won't let other people tell their kids what to do (within reason).

Thank you for this. His reception teacher has already said he is extremely bright and working way ahead of what would be expected. So there is hope!

Oh for goodness sakes, I used 2 years as a rough ball park - is ‘since he could speak’ better?

Im a good parent. If you are just going to criticise please just move along. God I so hope you get an unruly one if you are planning on having more DC.

Wow what a helpful post. You are clearly perfect.

So half his life, the first half, he wasn't parented in a way where he wasn't constantly centred. It will take some time to reverse that. Especially at his young age.

I would definitely get backpack rains for both of them. DS was a runner and I even lost him in the supermarket once as he ran off and hid.

But outside walking I always had his backpack on. Even at 5, by then I didn't use the lead but they have a handle on the back that you can grab them by. Saved him diving into a river a few times.

Also the car thing, I once left DS in the car as he wouldn't get out. I just said fine you stay here then and went in the house, only left him for a few minutes and was watching from the house the whole time. But he was happy to get out when I came back. He didn't do it again as was aware I would quite happily leave him. The car was locked he couldn't get out.

He has.never been a child that you could bribe unfortunately so this never worked for us.

It was a bit of a shock to have a runner after DD who had always been happy to just hold my hand.

4, nearly 5.

They very much can be.

How old is he?

Do this every single time they interrupt you, and you'll soon find that they'll begin to wait their turn

Ive been doing this for 2 years with DS1. Every single time, without fail. I’ve even been known to stand and carry on talking to sympathetic people while he shouts at me, because he just won’t wait.

Despite this, he still interrupts my conversations. So please don’t imply it’s so simple and us idiots with kids that take more work don’t know the basics of parenting.