Am I over reacting ?

Of course he should be able to do what he wants. You can't control someone else. That doesn't mean you don't have boundaries, which include what you want/need/expect. If him doing what he wants crosses your boundaries (ie hanging out with an affair partner) then the consequence of that is the relationship ending. The ironic thing is he is actually trying to control you by insisting he should be able to stay in the relationship AND cross your boundaries.

You don't have to immediately change the locks, kick him out or immediately put yourself into a shit situation by going into a women's shelter or whatever to stop being in a relationship with him. You simply stop being his wife. You don't kiss him, hug him, fuck him, care about his problems, make his dinner, wash his clothes, etc... in the meantime, you work on yourself, your own life and most importantly having the means to leave.

He wants to do whatever he wants? He wants to be single, then! Cool. You get to be single, too! There are definitely perks of being single, have a think about all the positives you will gain.

Just don't be rash. This doesn't need to be more traumatic than it needs to be for yourself or the kids.

You deserve to be treated better than this.
It's easy for an outsider to say 'bin him' when there's feelings and emotions at play but the reality is, if he cared about you then this situation would have never evolved in the first place. Please be kind to yourself, he won't change. Just think of it as the universe trying to tell you that there's someone better waiting around the corner for you. Sending hugs.

Sorry, other post didn't quote!

Exactly. Don't listen to the words, he needs to show you actual actions.

He knew she'd be there.

You asked where you're going wrong, well here's where:

You let him back in, in spite of telling him not to bother coming home. By doing this, you've shown him that he can walk all over you, treat you like shit, shag other women, and you'll still be there to warm his bed, make his food, and run around after him.

I know it's not easy to go out on your own, but I've done it, as have numerous other women on MN, there IS support out there, IF you want it. The next move is up to you, carry on letting him walk all over you, OR kick his cheating arse out!

THE CHOICE IS YOURS!

You can stop all of this immediately by digging deep, finding your self respect and kicking the wanker out for good

where the fuck am I going wrong

By letting this awful man do these things, that where you're going wrong. He has no respect for you and doesn't seem to care about you. Don't stay with someone like this. He's using you. He will keep using you and treating you like shit because he can. There are no consequences for him, you've shown him that. He's got you at home keeping house and sorting the kids, and then he's got his side piece. Why would he want to change that? Best of both worlds isn't it, for him anyway.

Set an example for your children if nothing else, and show them that this is not how grown ups who purport to care for each other behave.

How did you know she was there?

I'd seriously consider the relationship to be honest.. even if there is a pinch of truth in what he says in that you are wanting to control who he says and what he does, that is ONLY happening because of his past behaviour, and the lack of trust that you have now.

You've done nothing wrong here and should not be punished by him or blamed by him for trust issues that he has caused by messing around with other women.

Lock the door and leave your key in so he can't get in. He is a cheating pig and he clearly doesn't care about your feelings. I wouldn't put up with his cheating ways.

So he thinks you should be fine with him saying he was going to come home if she was there, and then not coming home.

This is top level gaslighting.

Of course you are not being unreasonable to be upset about him lying and manipulating you.

I would actually stop engaging with him now.
You've already told him your position. He's ignoring you and being awful to you.

He doesn't get to tell you to change your attitude!

I think he is enjoying winding you up and ignoring you, he's cruel and selfish.

So don't let him know how much he's upsetting you. Show indifference to him now, he doesn't even deserve to see you affected by him.

Tell him he can do that without you then.

Seriously OP, stop letting this prick mug you off.

Honestly OP he’s a nasty controlling cunt who knows he’s treating you like shit but doesn’t care because he knows at this point he can do what he wants with no consequences.

Please please find a way to get your ducks in a row and leave this wanker.

All you are to him is a nanny with a fanny and and a housemaid. He’s treating you like a doormat and you’re twisting yourself into a pretzel to find ways to blame yourself.

This won’t get better - dk you really want your kids growing up to think this is all women deserve?

No it isn't your fault. He can only turn this around on you if you let him. Don't accept his bullshit. Stand your ground. Tell him if he's unhappy he can leave, in fact tell him that you want him to. Tell him don't let the door hit him on the arse on his way out! Tell him you'll be popping the champagne once he's gone! 🍾👋

@Mamax32000019 Tell him to leave and go off with the other woman.

So him saying he would come home if she did end up being there, was an empty promise then

So he is showing who he is and you are ignoring it? Why?

Where you're going wrong is by putting up with this shit from an unfaithful cheat who doesn't care about you. Believe me, you would be MUCH better off without him. You need to leave, get a job and some friends and make a life without him. I know it's scary but it cannot be worse than what you're putting up with now. Speak to Citizens Advice for financial help, you can claim UC and child maintenance, you can apply to the council for housing too. Please don't stay out of fear of the unknown - you can stand on your own two feet and look after yourself and your children.

OP, stop this RIGHT NOW!! None of this is YOUR fault!!

He is behaving like an absolute arsehole, and then turning it around and blaming you. That is HIS behaviour, not yours!

Now that you've told him not to come home. Stick with it. Lock the door for tonight, and bolt it if you can, if not, make it extremely difficult for him to get in. Bag up his clothes, and chuck them out of the window. Then see how great he looks to his wonderful colleagues, when he turns up at work tomorrow, and has to tell them that he looks a crumpled mess, because his wife has kicked him out! Obviously you can't lock him out for ever, but just by doing it, it will show him that you're not going to be walked over any more. Then, when you do eventually agree to see him, tell him that you deserve better, and you aren't going to put up with his lies any more. The marriage is over.

Have courage! You may not have any support, but some women literally have to leave their husbands, in the clothes they're standing in, and they survive, and you can too!! You're a grown up, with children to care for, so show them how a grown up behaves, and if you feel like you can't, then 'fake it 'til you make it', but don't let this arsehole continue to treat you with such a lack of respect, you really do DESERVE better!

Dont put up with it..

Don't degrade yourself any further - tell him not to bother coming home. He's made his decision.

If he were really that concerned, he wouldn't have gone.

You deserve SO much better than this OP. Be strong, don't let him in, and call his bluff. He is the one losing something, not you.

It's OK that you don't yet have other people to talk to, focus first on getting rid of him, and then on re-building your own life, which you CAN do. You've got this :-)

He says you are two different people and he's dead right. You are a loyal loving human who cares about their partner's feelings and he's not. Nobody has the right to tell you how you should feel after he's promised you one thing and done the opposite! To say that you have to be okay with it or you are over is absolutely emotional manipulation and the slippery slope. What is he going to do next that he's going to demand you be okay with?

You might not blame him for looking elsewhere because your confidence is so low but I damn well do!! He's probably the contributing factor for why you have lost confidence due to his actions making you feel worthless and unloved. This isn't a healthy relationship and it's definitely not what you would want for one of your children when they grow up. I know it's hard but effectively he's damaged the relationship to the point where he's emotionally abusing you, so he can carry on behaving the way he wants to. He's using you as childcare and unpaid maid, whilst having his "fun" with others.

Start with practical things like taking photos of bank accounts, passports, birth certificates and wage slips. Make an appointment for legal advice, so you know where you stand. Get everything into place quietly and then you can decide when the time is right to let him go.