To forgive DP for the unforgivable.

Dh wasn’t honest with me about how dysfunctional his family was. To be fair to him, he experienced a lot of trauma as a child and like literally cannot even speak about certain things in his family. It took him nearly 10 years to be able to talk about it with me and only because a serious incident (and the police) forced his hand. But it meant that our dc weren’t kept as safe from certain family members as they should have been. I do understand why he couldn’t talk about it (and to be fair, lots of other people who weren’t traumatised at all did nothing too!), but it was by far, the worst thing he’s ever done.

Thankfully, no harm came to our dc. He was eventually able to talk about it. We are NC with those family members now and all was fine in the end.

Beyond that, the worst thing he ever kept from me was back when we were dating and we were planning to go off travelling in Asia for 8 weeks. But instead of saving his student finance money for our travels, he blew it buying himself a banjo, because despite having no musical talent whatsoever, he got drunk one night and decided he was going to learn to play the banjo. He didn’t want to tell me that he now had no money to go. Other than the incident above, it’s the angriest I have ever been at him in the 17 years we have been together. 😂 I think I frankly scared the life out of him and he returned the bloody banjo and had money for travelling and off we happily toddled to Delhi.

I couldn’t be with a liar. It’s a fundamental. Can’t think of anything significant I’ve had to forgive DH for. Farting or suchlike at most.

I couldn’t be with a liar. It’s a fundamental. Can’t think of anything significant I’ve had to forgive DH for. Farting or suchlike at most.

Edited to delete multiple post

I couldn’t be with a liar. It’s a fundamental. Can’t think of anything significant I’ve had to forgive DH for. Farting or suchlike at most.

I was with someone who, after four years, I discovered to be a compulsive liar -and yes, I did leave. Not everyone is coming at this from a hypothetical viewpoint.

He’ll do it to you again. The personality type needed to do that kind of thing doesnt change

It’s easy for posters to say they would leave, hypothetically. In reality, people only make these decisions if this actually happens to them. And real life isn’t perfect. So yanbu to stay - but you must be aware that people often repeat behaviours.

Why did he do it though?

What were his reasons for lying? Did this happen at the start of your relationship? How long was he telling lies before you realised?

He lied deliberately. That's not a mistake. That's a calculated choice to deceive you. I'm not surprised your friend was shocked

I'm just interested in how you can trust him, I guess, knowing that he lied to you for so long and about so much.

It's easy to say you would never forgive and that you would walk away. Actually doing it when you are in it is very different.

I always said I would never forgive cheating. Until I did. Because it wasn't as black and white as that. We were both unhappy and didn't know how the hell to fix it. We separated. Husband very quickly started another relationship and has always sworn it didn't start until after he left, that she was just someone who was nice to him 'for the moment'. I never wanted him to leave so I still considered it cheating, apart from anything else we were still married. We both had solo counselling and eventually decided to start again while living apart. He is far kinder, far more respectful of me and our relationship than he had been for a long time. We have both recognised our own flaws and matured a lot in how we deal with challenges.

I think to have a hope of a happy ever after following something of that magnitude, forgive and forget isn't enough. You need to find out the cause of the behaviour itself in the first place and the person needs to take steps to ensure that cause is removed for good. They also need to understand why their response to the situation was deceit and work on the flaw in their character that made that their choice. Few people insist on those steps when they forgive, so what you're really doing is keeping your fingers crossed it won't happen again. I hope you're an exception.

Do you trust him? As in, genuinely trust him?

Maybe you are. Does it matter if you’re happy?
I’m a fiercely loyal partner/mother/friend but I’m not a forgiving person. So I don’t tolerate lying about the big stuff. Not keen on lying about small stuff either tbh.

Biggest thing I've forgive has been my partner signing up to a dating site (with fake info).

Another thing was some lad talk he has with a friend that I felt was disrespectful to friends husband and towards me.

We talked it through. I know it sounds really bad when written down but knowing what we were going through at the time, and what I did at the time I felt like I could forgive and move on.

I think people can change to an extent, but to be lying about so much about who they are.

Sounds too unstable, dishonest and Walter Mitty-ish for me.

Trust is too critical to a relationship IMO.

Your friend is probably very concerned for you, I would be in her position.

When it comes to forgiving, personally for me it depends a lot on the context and the person.

The biggest one is cheating. There were relationships where I didn’t forgive it, there’s one that I did. Even I was surprised, but well.

I think you’re very naive to think your instincts will save you OP as presumably you believed his lies initially (which sound multiple, persistent and convoluted) for a good while - they weren’t working too well for a while! Ultimately it doesn’t matter a jot what your friend or anyone else thinks though, you’re the one who has to live this life with him.

I think I would've been too embarrassed to tell anyone really.

What reaction were you expecting from your friend?