To forgive DP for the unforgivable.

Honestly my own experiences mean I wouldn’t forgive any deceit, because someone who loves you would not deliberately lie to you or hurt you and I know I deserve better than a relationship where I ever have to doubt if I am being told the truth or being cheated on, lied to, taken for a fool.

Your partner didn’t “make a mistake” OP, he made a conscious choice every single day for 6 months to lie. A mistake would have been just hiding the truth once. Your choices are you own, I certainly wouldn’t have made the same one.

People very rarely change who they fundamentally are, what they are capable of, and the thing with forgiving things whether it is lies or an affair is that rightly or wrongly what you are telling that person is that it doesn’t really matter what they do, you will stay. It’s a green light for future “mistakes” because even if you did the “oh I forgive this time but NEXT time you’re gone” you’ve proven with your actions that you will stay. My husband knows absolutely that lying, infidelity etc would be an immediate end for us, that’s a complete and hard line I’ve always been very clear on, it’s simple, we both know exactly where we stand. But your line there now is smudged, it has gaps in that you can never fill back in because you’ve already proven it’s not your hard line and that’s a very risky place to be.

But can he explain why he lied to you for your months?

Keep writing it, you may even believe it one day

Same. Evidently this DP will be able to get away with all kinds of shit.

I never thought love was about what you would never do. I thought it was about what you could get through.

OP, this comment is really profound! I’ve never thought of it like this, but it’s a really good way of looking at things…

Sorry, a leopard doesn’t change its spots. Fortunately, I found that out twice with two different exs, first with money and the second with women.

I don’t think it’s black or white - but everyone has a boundary. My H had a short affair many moons ago. Lasted a couple of weeks. It was a very stupid thing for him to do, it really hurt and he was remorseful and we both made a choice to change our life together.

A friend had a four year affair with her boss (I didn’t find out until after it ended and it was a shit show). I don’t view her the same way now.

She ended up alone. Her affair partners wife found out and forgave - in fact they patched things up and got married. I couldn’t forgive a four year affair - think of every conscious made to lie to your face to spend time with the OW. Every time they said they were going to work but left earlier to meet OW at her house. Every ‘late in traffic’ or ‘meeting overran’ when they’re shagging.

A few weeks was hard enough to forgive. But years? Nah - I just couldn’t manage that.

I wouldn't even ask the question on here as the vast majority will tell you to LTB. As others have stated it is rarely so black and white when it happens to you. I forgave my DH for something I thought I never would, again there were reasons around the behaviour. It took a hell of a lot of soul searching and we did split for 8 months but 3 years on I barely think about it.

Agreed.

The underlying issue that is the driving force that makes someone tell these Walter mitty type lies is often so fundamental the drive to do it is too strong.

So even when someone knows they are risking blowing up their lives they keep doing it.

Given you stayed I'd recommend proceeding with extreme caution and financially speaking you should never fully trust them. Ever.

I'm not sure I did fully forgive but I stayed when ex h confessed to an affair when he had no choice. I was judged for staying. Judged for having a glass of wine when I had a bad night due to this. I don't regret staying but O M G I am glad I've left now even if the reason why was multiple times worse than his affair.

I think until you are in the situation you don't know what you can forgive.

I recently found out my husband had cheated and that he is gay. I'm absolutely devastated and in my late night crying sessions I realised that I would have forgiven him for the cheating if it would stop him from leaving. The gay thing is the thing thats ending our relationship as I'm not a gay man. I honestly thought I'd never forgive cheating, but here we are

I forgave my husband last week for the dire dinner he made me in July of 2012 on return from the hospital after having DD.
I asked for cauliflower cheese but he served me cold slop and I cried. He finally learnt how to make it even better than myself last Sunday so all is forgiven.

My mother was married to one like yours op, he never really changed, he just seemed to be incapable of telling the truth about anything, even non consequential things and when he was found out he'd be on his best behaviour for a while and start up again.

The lying really did her in, she had a mental breakdown eventually, hospitalised for the majority of 3 years.

Be careful.

@TheAmusedQuail - that's really interesting.

It's something i was concerned might happen. Maybe still am.

How long was that lie played out? How did he maintain the lie? Did he continue deceiving you while you made detrimental choices, based on his lies? How long was he prepared to lie, if your intuition had failed you? How have these lies affected your current position?

I forgave a big thing. However ...

the thing was admitted to me within hours.
and
It was something i'd never have found out, but he so was disgusted with himself he couldn't have even tried to hide it. So he didn't. And gave me the opportunity to decide what to do.

Those facts (and maybe the pure state of the man as he told me about it) (on his knees) were the things which made forgiveness possible.

What i personally couldn't forgive would be long term lies and deceit.

Exactly

You forgave him @TwinklyAmberSquid but do you 100% trust him now?

I couldn’t.

Twice I have technically forgiven partners something big. One was an affair. Another was a huge let down/rejection after I had made a major life change to be with them.

What ended up happening was that although I'd supposedly forgiven them, the big thing they'd done gradually changed my feelings for them. It wasn't in a 'one and done' way. But a gradual attrition. I'm sure each of them didn't even really understand it was their big mistake that had ended it, given that it was years later.

It depends when it happened / for how long he kept up the big lie. If it was quite a long time, I'd not find it "unforgivable", but I'd find it very weird and a bit alarming. I'd wonder if he was a bit of a fantasist? And I wonder if fantasists ever change and how far they would go to maintain an image

I know someone whos husband pretended they went to work for nearly a year. They are divorced now.
I don't thinknI could forgive outright lies like that.
I could forgive things like saying youll be home by 9 and coming in at 11. Or saying youll cook dinner for when i get in and then not having done it.
That kind of thing I forgive.

STBX got into about £4k's worth of credit card debt. I was furious because I would have taken different decisions had I known. His parents bailed him out. We restructured our finances. Then he did it again, I found out at £3k. It wasn't the only reason but hastened the inevitable.

I'd find it difficult to trust anything he said.