To forgive DP for the unforgivable.

Stick with this mentality @Exasperated24

When you say your husband has left, presumably he can't just waltz off and leave you with no sense of responsibility for whatever the latest issue is. Don't let him off the hook, not if there's debt that could be partly owned by you if you're legally married, a liar like that could have had the debt placed in your name, stranger things have happened. Check it out and don't let him deflect blame.

all the best however you move things forward

Yikes. At least you know now. Good luck moving forward. You deserve more than a liar.

I feel your pain. ☹️

Try to consider this in a positive light. It’s better to find out the truth now than 10 years down the line with financial webs and children in the mix.
Onwards and upwards. 🥰

You've said you're confident in the decisions you've made. Why cast your decisions into doubt now, by over- analysing them on here.

youve said the worst part is over, so let it go and move forward.

and don't confide about important things to do with your marriage with other people. Raking over things, getting lots of conflicting advice when your mind is made up is the enemy of peace of mind.

I can forgive mistakes. Of course, when someone doesn't know a thing then it's a lesson learned and move on. But lying is different, it's done with the knowledge of knowing the act is wrong. For that reason, I wouldn't forgive lying because I would never be able to let that guard down fully again and trust 100%. If I can't trust my DH 100%, then he can't be my DH.

My husband grew up lying to protect himself from his parents.Silly lies ,lies like lying he did do his homework or was where he said he was turned into lying about taking the bins out. Turned into lying about money and hiding parts of himself.

I haven't forgiven or forgot but I can move on and start something new because everyday he shows me in multiple ways how he has changed and how he is committed to being a different person. Things like (in the early days) immediately correcting himself if he had done a "automatic" lie. He realises the impact it has on trust now and is committed to radical honesty. He has therapy is part of men's groups he will read and listen to podcasts/books. He has owned his faults and holds himself accountable. He now helps others too and will pull other men up. Lives a life of complete transparency of which he is happy to and proud to. It's been his choice.

I've not had to do anything but observe him. That's how it should be. It wouldn't be enough for me however for someone to just give me lip service and say they won't do something again. Change takes effort.

I wouldn't take much notice of what a friend thought unless I felt like they really understood the situation and how I felt. No one really knows what it's like on the inside of a relationship.

I would absolutely leave if he was to start lying again.

This has also resonated with me. About my ex h who I loved enough to stay over an action but didn't as I left over cruel words. And a man who I can't imagine never ever not having in my life even though it's not easy and bloody well hurts at times. I'm going to make a note of what you said, @ I can't tag as can't see who said it, I thought it was @TwinklyAmberSquid but can't find it now.

So how long have you been together in total? It sounds like he lied for the first six months and you've been together a total of two years since? And presumably at the time you discovered this, you didn't have any shared finances and his lies mostly only impacted him?

If so, I think it's a bit disingenuous to suggest this was a huge thing that you weathered- in a married couple with shared assets/children/financial responsibilities, a partner lying about their job etc would be a massive betrayal. A guy lying about his job to impress a new date isn't really here or there in comparison.

Either way, it's still very new relationship in real terms and only time will tell if you were right to trust him - I hope he appreciates your faith in him!

It absolutely makes a difference. It at least makes it a weigh up.

I have known multiple men who have affairs and their wives stay, some that even openly brag that they have the best of all worlds. If you know you have nothing to lose, you may as well do whatever you want.

And again, 6 months of lies isn’t a one off mistake or bad choice. Someone capable of keeping up a lie to someone they supposedly care about for 6 months isn’t worth a chance.

How could he have no choice but to have porked another woman? Did she fall and land in an unfortunate way?
(Oh, did you mean he had no choice but to admit it?)

It sounds like you were looking for validation of your decision to accept this behaviour by writing this thread, but from the reactions can you at least see that your friend’s reaction is quite normal?

You are still very early in this relationship, I assume no kids yet? I’d think very carefully about your future with this man.

It is one thing to get into financial difficulties, be massively ashamed and make the monumentally stupid decision to lie about it. Many people would find that alone unforgivable, purely because trust is destroyed.

But quite another to lie about your identity. Massive red flag 🚩

A mistake is forgetting to put the bins out, or getting a daft tattoo, or paying silly money for a taxi because you didn’t check the train times properly.

Not lying to someone about the fundamental basics of who you are.

Oh dear.
Personally, nothing. Married 20 years and I'd never be with a man who chose to do things that require forgiveness. It shows a man that you're willing to accept shit behaviour and he's free to do it again and again.
Only date and marry very high quality men, who are intelligent, fully functional, life enhancing, feminist. Leave the shit ones alone.

This.
People (even honest ones) treat you the way you allow them to treat you.
You set your bar with your forgiveness for some very serious deceit. Be very wary.

DP lied about finances, job status, entire scenarios.

That's at least three major things to deceive you about. And he got away with it for six months. Not really a stretch to think that if you forgive that, you'll forgive him again. Or he'll get better at lying.

It's your life, though.

I think for me it would depend if I could understand why the lies happened and his thought process and felt that he/me/the situation could prevent the same happening again. It sounds like your DP was insecure or similar (just from the type of things he lied about) and you felt you could both fix it? I knew I couldnt forgive my ex for cheating as, while I could uunderstand why he did it, I didn't feel I could change things enough to stop him having those needs in future given the person he was. So I couldn't take him back because there was no way to move past it.

I think it can depend on your general belief that being forgiving and getting through things is a strength.

Sometimes, but not always.
I'm glad we got through some difficult times in our long marriage but I wouldn't ever want to get through financial dishonesty and lying for months on end.

My deal breaker is a being a liar, by MY choice.

Your friend was probably concerned because his behaviour was so disrespectful and he may very well do it again. People who don't respect you, respect you less when you forgive them.

I once dumped someone for leaving muddy footprints on my rug (we’d only been dating a few months) so no, I can’t say I’d forgive and stay in a relationship with someone who lied about money and their job for six months. I used to make horrible relationship choices with people who treated me badly due to my own unresolved trauma. I’ve had a lot of therapy to unpick it, and now, my rule for being in a relationship is that if it doesn’t actively enhance my life, it’s not worth being in. I don’t believe relationships should be hard work, that’s just a platitude used to convince others (or ourselves) to put up with undesirable behaviour.

I truly couldn't vote because it's your choice to put up with that but I couldn't. He lied so easily and often. He's lied about all the important things so I couldn't trust him. Rock solid intuition or no, you didn't realise he was full of shit at the time did you?

My exh cheated on me and I found out and divorced him.

Yes of course everyone makes mistakes. But 6 months of deception is not a ‘mistake’ - it is a glaring character flaw. Untrustworthiness and lack of integrity are not desirable in a life partner.