Page 2 | To think the idea of "family" can can be really cruel

Mannatan · 2025-05-08T12:56:58+00:00

Family is the idea that you love these people more than anyone else, because they are related to you. That makes life nice for the people in that family. But i think it can also lead to a lot of cruelty. For example the family will favour that family member over anyone else, even if the person in the family is wrong. There is no fairness. One example that happened to me. I have a cousin the same age as me. She has a younger sister and brother. The oldest one has always been wild and argumentative and cruel. She can be difficult to get along with. Her younger sister is a really peaceful lovely lovely person. Ive been friends with her all my life since we were young kids, and ive never had a single argument with her. Ive also always got on along really well with the brother. We have all known each other since we were very young. Myself and the oldest cousin had a very bad argument last year. I feel that she was the one that was totally in the wrong. She can be very spiteful and cruel. So we argued and we dont speak anymore. But the argument was between the two of us. After this happened, both her younger sister and younger brother deleted me on social media and wont speak to me again either. They didnt even ask me about what happened. They refuse to speak to me. They just both took their sisters side automatically, as she is their closer family member. Which is so unfair. Ive seen this happen to other people aswell. Like my friend house - shared with two sisters. In any argument they would always take each other's side straightaway, and never even ask what happened. I know its nice that families have each other's back, its nice for them. It benefits them. But its cruel for other people

BeesTrees · 09/05/2025 16:33

Try having an abusive mother, a golden child sibling and being the scapegoat yourself (like me), that’s when you see the cruelty of family - the family who bully their own blood!

There are horrible people and lovely people in all walks of life, but it does feel much harder when it’s family. Especially when you feel singled out.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 09/05/2025 16:25

The problem isn't the concept of family. The problem is with specific people and the way they treat others. Nobody is actually forcing you to love family members. What you are describing is unpleasant and vindictive people, not a 'cult of family'.

Original poster

Mannatan · 09/05/2025 16:20

wowwhataday · 09/05/2025 16:10

What sort of personality are you, would you say? When two big personalities clash, quieter people can seek out the safe option and retreat. For both the sister AND brother to block you does suggest there is more to it than just blind loyalty though.

I think it is just blind loyalty. Siblings often take each others side over anyone else.

The cousin i was talking about was on my dads side of the family.

Ive actually seen the same scenario play out with some of my friends.

One of my friends ann was really good friends with a whole family of people. There were four siblings in the family. She fell out with one of them something and all of the other siblings completely cut her off too.

A lot of families seem to adopt an approach of : you argue with one of us, you argue with all of us. They dont think individually. Its a collective.

OP posts:

WhiteRosesAndThistles · 09/05/2025 16:16

PermanentTemporary · 08/05/2025 22:11

I do love my sister very much, she's fab. But if we had a mutual friend and they fell out, I might easily step away from the friendship as well, simply because my sister will always have the power to hurt me more than anyone else. She knows me better than anyone and the boundaries between us are lower, for good or ill. Call it self preservation tbh.

This! My sister knows too much for us to fall out.....
It is interesting that you say families are cruel to those they no longer wish to interact with, did you consider this when you were welcome in the happy bubble or just when you all fell out?

RaraRachael · 09/05/2025 16:16

I'm not from a close family - I see more of my friends than I do my sister. I just don't get why you should put up with stuff because you happen to be related to someone.

You can choose your friends .....

wowwhataday · 09/05/2025 16:10

What sort of personality are you, would you say? When two big personalities clash, quieter people can seek out the safe option and retreat. For both the sister AND brother to block you does suggest there is more to it than just blind loyalty though.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 09/05/2025 16:00

It is a crap situation. You don’t deserve to be abused by her. There isn't much you can do unfortunately, lick your wound, grieving the loss.
It is a horrible feeling. I hope you recover soon.
Younger cousin choose her Dsis for an easy life. She is probably used to keeping the peace, for peace sake.

JLou08 · 09/05/2025 15:58

It's not like this in all families. There's been fall outs in my family between siblings and cousins and no one else gets involved, its beetween the two that fell out and the rest of us carry on as normal with each other. We don't get involved if a family member falls out with someone outside of the family either. I have a sibling who can be very difficult, I care about him very much but I'm not blind to his flaws and I don't put him above anyone else.

Original poster

Mannatan · 09/05/2025 15:52

Redpeach · 09/05/2025 15:47

It takes 2 people to argue, why don't you try and build bridges?

This wasnt the first time that this has happened with my cousin. She has been cruel and abusive to me many times before. She went too far on this last occasion and she did something so cruel to me, that i just dont want to see her again.

I think part of it was jealousy because at that time in our lives last year i just happened to be doing better in my life, than she was in hers. I had a good career and she was on benefits at the time.
I never looked down on her, but i did notice that if my life is ever going well, she gets exrtremely jealous of me, and gets angry at me. I dont want to be abused by her again.

I do miss her younger sister, who is a much more peaceful person. I loved her and always got on well with her.

But apparantly if I dont speak to the older sister, i cant speak to the younger sister again either. They come as a package deal. Probably the younger sister is a bit afraid of the older sister too

OP posts:

Redpeach · 09/05/2025 15:47

It takes 2 people to argue, why don't you try and build bridges?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 09/05/2025 15:19

When it comes to close siblings, they're used to the older Dsis, they probably have an understanding of why she is cruel, she has her place in their family dynamic, outsiders might be appalled by her, to her siblings she has always been the same.

Blood is thicker than water in this case, personally I wouldn't have cut you off for fighting with my cranky sister. I have had many myself. I have 3 sisters, all close, we always forgive and forget each other easily, the same as when we were children.

blubbyblub · 09/05/2025 14:56

There are great families and crap families.

Original poster

Mannatan · 09/05/2025 14:42

SelinaPlace · 08/05/2025 22:23

Maybe you just know a lot of quarrelsome, clannish people. I am one of a big family, and DH’s family is huge (he’s the youngest of seven, and his mother is one of thirteen), and I can’t think of a single situation in which the entire family fell out with someone because of a disagreement with one individual.

Show quote history

But the posters on this thread have also said that they would always take their sisters side in an argument, no matter if their sister was right or wrong.

Thats the cult of family. It benefits the people inside the family, and it hurts the people outside the family.

OP posts:

Embarrassinglyuseless · 08/05/2025 22:41

My sisters can both be utter twats sometimes. But I love them, and they’re my people so, while I would acknowledge (I hope) that they’re in the wrong - I would also be clear that I’m on their team…

BlondiePortz · 08/05/2025 22:34

I guess what comes with maturity is you realise not everything is about you and the dramatics you make up in your head, if people are acting bad towards you then you move on from them and focus on your own life

Nothing to do with age but using your brain really

SelinaPlace · 08/05/2025 22:23

Mannatan · 08/05/2025 22:09

Ill blame her, as she is a vindictive person, and i'll also blame the cult of family.

Ive seen a lot of other people suffer because of the cult of family too. It causes a lot of fall outs. If any one falls out with one family member, the whole family stop talking to them.

I remember in college, my friend was really good friends with three sisters. Two were twins and one sister was two years younger. Theyd all been friends for years. She fell out with one of the sisters. The other two sisters also refused to speak to her again

Show quote history

Maybe you just know a lot of quarrelsome, clannish people. I am one of a big family, and DH’s family is huge (he’s the youngest of seven, and his mother is one of thirteen), and I can’t think of a single situation in which the entire family fell out with someone because of a disagreement with one individual.

SelinaPlace · 08/05/2025 22:12

Mannatan · 08/05/2025 22:05

I didnt say i expected her to treat me the same as her own children.

I said that i would like to be treated politely by her. She is nasty to me.

Show quote history

So just avoid her if she’s persistently rude to you? I don’t see what ‘family’ has to do with an individual behaving unpleasantly to you?

PermanentTemporary · 08/05/2025 22:11

I do love my sister very much, she's fab. But if we had a mutual friend and they fell out, I might easily step away from the friendship as well, simply because my sister will always have the power to hurt me more than anyone else. She knows me better than anyone and the boundaries between us are lower, for good or ill. Call it self preservation tbh.

Original poster

Mannatan · 08/05/2025 22:09

SelinaPlace · 08/05/2025 21:53

So blame her, not the ‘cult of the family’? And maybe your uncle’s wife just doesn’t like you? Surely you wouldn’t expect to be treated the same as her own children,regardless?

Show quote history

Ill blame her, as she is a vindictive person, and i'll also blame the cult of family.

Ive seen a lot of other people suffer because of the cult of family too. It causes a lot of fall outs. If any one falls out with one family member, the whole family stop talking to them.

I remember in college, my friend was really good friends with three sisters. Two were twins and one sister was two years younger. Theyd all been friends for years. She fell out with one of the sisters. The other two sisters also refused to speak to her again

OP posts:

Original poster

Mannatan · 08/05/2025 22:05

SelinaPlace · 08/05/2025 21:53

So blame her, not the ‘cult of the family’? And maybe your uncle’s wife just doesn’t like you? Surely you wouldn’t expect to be treated the same as her own children,regardless?

Show quote history

I didnt say i expected her to treat me the same as her own children.

I said that i would like to be treated politely by her. She is nasty to me.

OP posts:

SelinaPlace · 08/05/2025 21:53

Mannatan · 08/05/2025 19:27

The thing is, I definitely wasn't to blame. I didnt do anything.

My cousin has a history of being vindictive, angry and cruel. And then telling people that her behaviour is other peoples fault.

The last time before this that we had an argument, (her abusing me is more accurate) she lost her temper badly, and she shouted at me until I cried. Then she told me it was my fault that she had lost her temper. And she sai that i had upset everyone n the room by making her shout like that.

Afrer that argument, i spoke to her younger sister, because the sister was there as well, i said i was shocked that Lily would shout at me until i cried?

and the younger sister said "Lily has a very bad temper , believe me, i know".

Then in our very last argument again she lost her temper, and screamed and shouted at me.
Its hard to explain what it was about but lets say she tried to control me about something. I wouldnt be controlled and i did it anyway. Something I am entitled to do. One adult cant control another. She got angry that she couldnt control me, lost her temper, screamed abuse at me, then told me it was my fault that she had lost her temper again.

Im sure she probably lied to them about what happened. Shes vindictive. Shes the type that wouldnt just have an argument with someone, she wouldnt stop until she turned everyone else against her victim too.

Show quote history

So blame her, not the ‘cult of the family’? And maybe your uncle’s wife just doesn’t like you? Surely you wouldn’t expect to be treated the same as her own children,regardless?

MamaAndTheSofa · 08/05/2025 21:42

Cynic17 · 08/05/2025 16:26

I loathe the "cult" of the family. I like people for who they are, and whether they are related to me is irrelevant.
I would always put my friends above my family because they're just nicer people, and more important in my life.
Sadly, I think this is an unusual reaction,but all I can do is stick to what works for me.

I agree with this. I’ve seen so many people dragged into family rows and things, and they put up with it because “it’s family”. There can be a really toxic attitude to family and “cult” is a good word for it.

I’m close to my sister, but I’d hope that if I argued with someone over something ridiculous she’d tell me to give my head a wobble!

Original poster

Mannatan · 08/05/2025 19:27

Velmy · 08/05/2025 16:54

You had a falling-out (for which you were almost certainly partially to blame) and their family binned you off...now you find 'the idea of a family' to be 'cruel'.

Goodness me 😂

The thing is, I definitely wasn't to blame. I didnt do anything.

My cousin has a history of being vindictive, angry and cruel. And then telling people that her behaviour is other peoples fault.

The last time before this that we had an argument, (her abusing me is more accurate) she lost her temper badly, and she shouted at me until I cried. Then she told me it was my fault that she had lost her temper. And she sai that i had upset everyone n the room by making her shout like that.

Afrer that argument, i spoke to her younger sister, because the sister was there as well, i said i was shocked that Lily would shout at me until i cried?

and the younger sister said "Lily has a very bad temper , believe me, i know".

Then in our very last argument again she lost her temper, and screamed and shouted at me.
Its hard to explain what it was about but lets say she tried to control me about something. I wouldnt be controlled and i did it anyway. Something I am entitled to do. One adult cant control another. She got angry that she couldnt control me, lost her temper, screamed abuse at me, then told me it was my fault that she had lost her temper again.

Im sure she probably lied to them about what happened. Shes vindictive. Shes the type that wouldnt just have an argument with someone, she wouldnt stop until she turned everyone else against her victim too.

OP posts:

Velmy · 08/05/2025 16:54

You had a falling-out (for which you were almost certainly partially to blame) and their family binned you off...now you find 'the idea of a family' to be 'cruel'.

Goodness me 😂

Cynic17 · 08/05/2025 16:26

I loathe the "cult" of the family. I like people for who they are, and whether they are related to me is irrelevant.
I would always put my friends above my family because they're just nicer people, and more important in my life.
Sadly, I think this is an unusual reaction,but all I can do is stick to what works for me.