Keep feeling disappointed/hurt by close friends. Or is it me?

Hi op, I completely get where you’re coming from. I’ve felt like this from time to time and my sister gets this a lot.

Personally I don’t like doing tit for tat. It’s negative and I think it would make you feel rubbish. I think, let them. (Google let them theory) Let them do what they have to do, for whatever their reasons. In this phase of life it is tricky to keep up plans and see everyone all the time.

You do you. Focus more on yourself, what you can do to make yourself feel more content and confident in yourself. Get genuinely busier. Like others have said bring more main character energy, get a new hobbies, new friends. That will make you happier and busier.

you might find this will revive your older friendships and you’ll all appreciate each other more

x

You need to start valuing yourself more. Do not be constantly available for people who put you last, you're worth more than that. Match their energy. If they pull out of plans regularly, act completely unbothered but make sure you're not free for whatever date they want to rearrange for:

"Oh, you need to cancel? No problem. Oh no sorry, next Wednesday won't work for me. I'm busy at the minute but I'll check my calendar to see if I have any free time in the next few weeks later".

(Obviously only if they are treating you like a doormat, I wouldn't do this with friends who had genuine reasons to rearrange!)

I can't think of a way to say this without sounding a bit victim blamey, and that's really not my intention, but people can only treat you how you accept being treated.

If your friends treat you badly, you need to care more about not accepting that kind of treatment than keeping them as friends. I know you don't want to cut them off but if they ditch you once you stop being their backup plan then they are not worth your time or energy.

I would be calling them out on it if they cancel on you but go out with others.
Along the lines of 'so glad you made such a miraculous recovery - you sounded like you were at death's door this morning - what's your secret?
Flaky shits

I can relate to this OP. This week, I called some friends out on it in our WhatsApp group and feel so much better. Whereas it had been taking at least a week to get a reply (sometimes more), amazingly they responded within half an hour.

My friend who has cancelled on me over 6 times now in a row who had flu the other day but managed to see photos of her at bar with her boyfriend has asked to see me next week; maybe I should say no.

What you should do is agree to meet up, then cancel at the last minute.

Or my friend who last minute pulled out of my birthday event is arranging hers for August. Maybe I should be unavailable.

Again - tell her you're going, then make an excuse at the last minute.

Play this lot at their own game.

And find some new friends @Rosewatersparkles, who will appreciate you and enjoy being with you.

Find new friends and allow yourself to grow out of the childhood friendships that aren’t satisfying you anymore. As your new friends fill your time it will happen by itself.

Time to get some more main character energy, start being less available

I was about to write a carefully worded post about this from my preferred, carefully psychodynamic perspective but actually, this absolutely nails it. 💥💥💥

Phrased so memorably - ace. Applicable to so many situations and I'm going to deploy it everywhere. Will have it tattooed on my wrist JIC i forget

If they've been good friends for years then they're not likely to have changed into people who will walk all over you. Friendships wax and wane and wax again over the course of years.

Everyone with young kids feels pressures and everyone handles them differently, cancelling easily and dry texting can be part of that. I get very sensitive to rejection or perceived rejection, so I do sort of understand why it's hurting, I think.

But there are always other friends out there, so don't keep yourself tied to them. Take a deep breath, put it down to life being a bit of a steamroller for them, and spread your wings a bit.

OP if you think you might find it hard to go distant/cooller with them you could experiment with being more demanding

@Rosewatersparkles Unfortunately the only person you can rely on is yourself. I found people are around when you can do things for them, but when you can't they quietly disappear.

Stop being constantly available. Stop helping. Do what is covenient for you. Treat them like they treat you. You may find they respect you more.

So what do you think you need to do?

@Rosewatersparkles oh gosh! I could have written this post! I honestly thought it was a me problem, since I was the common denominator I guess. However, once I hit my 40s it was like ding! I finally realised that I’m that friend reserved for trauma dumping or being the responsible’ one to practically help in some way. I was so naive and trusting that it took a while to realise that whenever I needed the same, people go quiet on me. If I tried to arrange something like an afternoon out it would be seemingly impossible. The final straw for me was when the closest one I found out accidentally was organising a trip to Italy with a long lost school friend she’d recently connected with yet was unable to even give me time for a brunch date! So anyway that was the final straw but I’ve let that friendship go now.

After recently dumping my controlling ex as well, I actually have none around me now! 😅 But I feel mentally happier and lighter knowing no one is selfishly ‘using’ and constantly draining me anymore.

Maybe it’s time to stop being safe.

I started calling people out on it, so they knew that if they wanted to maintain the friendship they had to start putting in some effort.

Hi OP, I can relate- same age, same circumstances, same small long term friendship group.

I’m just not a bailer by nature; if I make plans with someone then I turn up and I don’t make plans that I don’t want to do. As such, I find it incredibly frustrating when people repeatedly cancel, at the last minute, with no real reason.

I think the key is to have some honest conversations with people about how it makes you feel and the disappointment when they cancel on you.

You might find that some people have different needs/ expectations of their friends. I know my love language is quality time, which is why it upsets me, but another friend said that they only felt the need to socialise twice a year. Now that I know that, I can adjust my expectations.

I once had a couple of friends like that. One was more flaky than the other re cancelling events/get togethers but I supported them both through various dramas in their personal lives. Didn't really get the same back when I needed it, but ok, not everyone can do the whole "shoulder to cry on" thing well so I accepted that.
But what finally did it for me was when neither of them remembered both my birthday and my child's first birthday, and christmas. Since they both had children a long time before me, I'd always remembered theirs and gave a gift or money for birthdays and Christmas. And both knew I'd had to go through ten years of fertility investigations and then IVF before becoming pregnant. I didn't expect to hear nothing from either of them.
So that was the end of that, I realised I didn't want or need people who take more than they give (in every way) in my life.
I'd step back if I were you, you deserve better friends.

Archive their whatsapps so you don't immediately see their messages and take a day to reply to them.

Every other time they ask you to be somewhere or do something say "I can't, sorry! X" and don't explain why.

Try it for a month

Try branching out while maintaining the friendship loosely. Go to things if you want. Respond to things if you want. But dedicate your time and energy to creating new friendships and new interests. Take up:oainting, singing, fell walking, cinema—whatever you don’t already do. Start a knitting group.

—don’t organize things for them or ask them to come to yours. Only go to them if they are hosting and then only if its convenient and fun for you. Stop fussing over them and praising them or commenting on their socials. Its all energy down the drain. Save it for your next set of friends.

@MakingItRight that’s an interesting perspective, I’ve been feeling a bit like the OP with one particular friend and I think you’ve hit the nail on head! Main character energy all the way!