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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not go to this wedding

61 replies

Yolomy · 08/05/2025 11:58

My father is getting married for the third time and has asked me to attend his wedding. He is very keen that I attend and is putting pressure on me. It’s a 8 hour round trip (at least) so will mean a whole weekend and paying for my own accommodation. I don’t know his wife to be very well, she is nice but I’ve only met her twice. I would know a few of my own extended family at the wedding but no one else who attends.

I do not see him often - he moved away when I was a teenager and he left my mum for someone else. My partner of many years has only met him once and he doesn’t really know my now adult DC as he hasn’t been around or a present grandparent.

I did not have a close or healthy relationship with him growing up either so his 25 year absence hasn’t really had much impact, but I have felt the impact of having basically no dad and my DC have had no granddad (their other grandad passed away). So we did miss out on having a typical dad experience of help you with DIY, or mend your car. My grandad on my mums side was an amazing man who taught me a lot, my DC didn’t get anything.

I’ve had intermittent low contact with him over the years, he pops up now and again but nothing consistent. I used to be really angry with him but I’ve moved more now to indifference.. I am not sure how much I care anymore?

AIBU to decline this invitation or am I likely to regret it/feel bad?

OP posts:
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lovemycbf · 15/06/2025 14:16

I’d not go if I didn’t want to.
Just decline his invitation as you don’t owe him anything

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/06/2025 14:03

He doesn’t want to have to explain your absence. In your shoes, I wouldn’t bother. He’s made his bed 🤷🏻‍♀️

DrMonjo · 15/06/2025 14:00

Sorry to hear that you didn't get the dad you deserved.
It appears he has been consist in his neglectful behaviour over the years so that should remove doubt when you need to weigh up future situations.

I get huge satisfaction out of being a better parent than the way I have been parented.

susiedaisy1912 · 09/06/2025 14:36

Seems like you made the right decision op.

nomas · 09/06/2025 13:48

Tell him money is tight and he needs to pay for accommodation and train and taxi tickets for your family if he wants you there.

Edit: cross post sorry. I'm glad you didn't go.

Original poster
Yolomy · 09/06/2025 13:24

So I did not go. Reflection that I didn’t feel I could justify the sacrifice of time and money that I would be basically taking away from my family to spend on HIS happiness. I am not usually a transactional love person with family but it feels wrong to take resources from my loved ones to waste on him.

anyway before I had declined the invite his new wife had posted a weird comment on my social media that felt very much like pressure to attend and made me feel uncomfortable. I politely declined and of course didn’t get any meaningful response about how he wants any other opportunity to rebuild a relationship on less expensive, performative or demanding terms.

They posted photos online. One was a photo board of memories friends and family, and not one single one was of his children or grandchildren. He looked happy but I didn’t recognise anyone in attendance so perhaps he is fine with having no family so just keeps making new families 😂

OP posts:
Lengokengo · 08/05/2025 17:45

Say that you can’t afford it. The fact that you don’t want to afford it means it is true.

He sounds awful. You really don’t need to go. Let him reap what he sowed.

PluckyCheeks · 08/05/2025 17:35

Yolomy · 08/05/2025 17:31

He didn’t follow the doctors advice and encouraged her to ignore it as well. He really was a big part in something avoidable but ultimately she knew the risks and chose not to follow the advice herself so no he didn’t bump her off. I just know he was complicit in it all because it was inconvenient and unpalatable for him. It would have affected him to follow the advice

Show quote history

Oh that’s awful. Sounds a bit like my FIL.

Original poster
Yolomy · 08/05/2025 17:31

PluckyCheeks · 08/05/2025 15:10

Eek, do you think he bumped off his second wife?

He didn’t follow the doctors advice and encouraged her to ignore it as well. He really was a big part in something avoidable but ultimately she knew the risks and chose not to follow the advice herself so no he didn’t bump her off. I just know he was complicit in it all because it was inconvenient and unpalatable for him. It would have affected him to follow the advice

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 08/05/2025 17:19

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 08/05/2025 12:00

Presumably he wants you to go so he looks good, like he's not a deadbeat. Don't indulge him, say you can't make it, but might attend the next one.

This! You are there for show since he's not otherwise keen to stay in touch. Tell him you don't have that money to spend on trip / accomodation.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 08/05/2025 17:17

Loopytiles · 08/05/2025 13:15

OP presumably wasn’t at her parents’ wedding, so to be fair to the ‘no more than twice’ rule it’s likely she’s only attended one of her dad’s weddings! (Thus far)

It seems to be quite usual for the children to attend their parents weddings now.

5128gap · 08/05/2025 17:16

Tell him you'll give this one a miss, but will try and make the next one if it's a bit easier to travel to. Seriously, no, I'd not go.

DrMonjo · 08/05/2025 17:12

Well, given the potential inheritance is low, you could attend on a scratch the itch, long term bet. If it comes good, there you go. It's a window into his world, satisfy yourself your not missing out.
I wouldn't drag my kids up there though

PullTheBricksDown · 08/05/2025 16:16

Yeah, notice how he's 'very keen' for you to attend but is making no effort himself that might help with that, like paying for a room for you. Tell him you're just too busy with family commitments 'you know how it is, dad!' 👍

CarpetKnees · 08/05/2025 16:14

If you don't want to go, they don't go, but I can't understand the arguments that get put on threads like this of "I don't see him very often" "Partner has only met him once" "I've only met his partner twice" as being reasons not to attend things.

How do people every expect to build relationships or move relationships on to a better footing, if they refuse to accept invitations to things ?
Of course you've not met them often if you don't invite them to things you do, and you turn down invitations to things they do.

As I say - don't go if you don't want to, but that is odd reasoning to me.

PluckyCheeks · 08/05/2025 16:00

Shadowsunray · 08/05/2025 15:58

If OPs even thinking this she should stay well clear of him and the wedding. Why would anyone want a relationship with someone so dodgy that could have killed their wife.

Show quote history

Absolutely! And what a twat to have all those inheritances and not give her a penny. Now his new squeeze will be inheriting it. I can’t believe I’m saying his but he sounds worse than my FIL…!

Fruitbat99 · 08/05/2025 16:00

And what about your happiness? He doesn't seem overly bothered about that?

Hes doing this for appearances.

Shadowsunray · 08/05/2025 15:58

PluckyCheeks · 08/05/2025 15:10

Eek, do you think he bumped off his second wife?

If OPs even thinking this she should stay well clear of him and the wedding. Why would anyone want a relationship with someone so dodgy that could have killed their wife.

Justmuddlingalong · 08/05/2025 15:53

I would wish him a lovely day but decline the invitation.
If you really wanted to go, you wouldn't be doubting yourself.
His doesn't get to pick and choose when to be in or absent from your life, you have a choice too.

Someone2025 · 08/05/2025 15:39

Yolomy · 08/05/2025 11:58

My father is getting married for the third time and has asked me to attend his wedding. He is very keen that I attend and is putting pressure on me. It’s a 8 hour round trip (at least) so will mean a whole weekend and paying for my own accommodation. I don’t know his wife to be very well, she is nice but I’ve only met her twice. I would know a few of my own extended family at the wedding but no one else who attends.

I do not see him often - he moved away when I was a teenager and he left my mum for someone else. My partner of many years has only met him once and he doesn’t really know my now adult DC as he hasn’t been around or a present grandparent.

I did not have a close or healthy relationship with him growing up either so his 25 year absence hasn’t really had much impact, but I have felt the impact of having basically no dad and my DC have had no granddad (their other grandad passed away). So we did miss out on having a typical dad experience of help you with DIY, or mend your car. My grandad on my mums side was an amazing man who taught me a lot, my DC didn’t get anything.

I’ve had intermittent low contact with him over the years, he pops up now and again but nothing consistent. I used to be really angry with him but I’ve moved more now to indifference.. I am not sure how much I care anymore?

AIBU to decline this invitation or am I likely to regret it/feel bad?

Is it likely that he will have children with this new wife do you think….you may at some point have half siblings?

ForOliveMember · 08/05/2025 15:34

Yolomy · 08/05/2025 12:16

I agree I think he will be embarrassed his daughter isn’t at his wedding and that might be more of a motivation than actually rebuilding a relationship with me. But it’s chicken and egg. I can’t expect him to rebuild anything if I don’t attend events, but I’m not 100% convinced it’s about me it’s about him…

I don’t feel I know him or trust him enough to make an accurate judgment so I could end up disappointed. Attending will make him very happy

Aww OP you do not need to attend his wedding for him to want to build a relationship with you. He should want to do that anyway, if you attend his wedding or not.

I'd actually not attend if it wasn't convenient for me and leave the ball in his court, if he wants to make an effort then let it him. He's missed so much, it's really on him to fix it.

outerspacepotato · 08/05/2025 15:17

I'd match his energy during your important moments. This is a big ask due to travel and costs.

I didn't go to my dad's next wedding and have no regrets.

susiedaisy1912 · 08/05/2025 15:14

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 08/05/2025 12:00

Presumably he wants you to go so he looks good, like he's not a deadbeat. Don't indulge him, say you can't make it, but might attend the next one.

This.

PluckyCheeks · 08/05/2025 15:10

Eek, do you think he bumped off his second wife?

Rhaidimiddim · 08/05/2025 15:06

Decline and don't feel bad. He has no right to expect attendance fromnyoubwhen he has made so little effort in his relationship with you.

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