Lost weight but husband hasn’t tried

Type 2 diabetics is a serious illness and it sounds as if your DH is burying his head in the sand about how his health could deteriorate if he doesn’t take action. So I understand your frustration.

Perhaps talking further about the complications associated with the disease will motivate him? I had a relative (now deceased) who had a leg amputated due to diabetics,

Everyone has their own struggles and a time that suits them to address them. You've chosen to do something about yours now.

What would you think if he had started a few months back and you hadn't. Imagine your joy to discover he had turned to the Internet to tell people that he found you repulsive.

Have you actually spoken open and honestly to each other about this???????

I think part of your new mental attitude to help discipline yourself, is to see your old attitude to food as negative or unattractive. Because DH hasn't changed his attitude to food, you are seeing HIM as unattractive.
It's hard to separate the two, but you do need to. Keep your focus. Keep motivating yourself by rejecting your former ways... but don't reject DH at the same time.

Agree. I'd hate it.

Some real knee jerk reactions on here. If my partner farted or picked his nose, I’d find (and call) that repulsive too (and to his face). For some people, gluttony or greed or obesity is the same.

So you'd have no problem finding out your husband thought you looked repulsive because it was on an anonymous forum?

No, people have better things to do with their time then pointlessly argue with strangers. in this case though, you asked if you were being awful and you were. HTH

I think you have to go with it, he doesn't have to lose weight just because you are, however much good it would do him. DH eats a bowl of Crunchy Nut cornflakes after his dinner! He could just have seconds of dinner, I don't skimp on his dinner portion either. He was never skinny even when I met him though he does know he needs to lose 1.5-2 stone now, as he is a bit heavier these days, but I wouldn't exactly fit into my wedding dress now either. Well done on your weight loss. DH is quite interested and supportive of my efforts with Mounjaro - I imagine one day he will just quietly decide to try it and lose some weight.

If my partner felt I was repulsive and unpleasant, I’d rather they just leave me tbh. I can’t imagine how hurtful it would be to be in a marriage like that.

True. But I’m in a very similar situation atm, and in this scenario I could easily tell my DH I had the privilege of refusing to push his wheelchair if he needs one in the future because his knee joints are screwed, he’s diabetic and his BMI is literally off the scale.

That’s not meant as a hijack btw, obviously I would never say this to DH as I do love him and am very worried about his health. But I wanted to provide a counter-argument to ‘it’s his choice’ because these things can and do affect a loving partner who is worried. OP, I think YANBU and his behaviour does sound really frustrating. Hopefully as time goes on he might start to feel inspired by your own weight loss.

Well done on your weight loss. It's a shame that he doesn't want to join in as he'd not only be supporting you but also doing something major for his own health. I think a lot of men wait until it reaches crisis point. DF only stopped smoking once he was diagnosed with lung cancer in spite of DM having given up 30 years earlier.

Exactly. Imagine a man coming on here saying how repulsive he found his wife and how he felt she was being deliberately unpleasant to him every time she opened a bag of crisps 😬

When you're concerned about someone's health, you talk about their health, not how gross and repulsive they are. It's not like she's been the picture of perfect health until very recently herself. People need to find their motivation and get healthy in their own time, not because it would be convenient for someone else's health journey.

You can only do this for yourself and be the change you want to see in the world. You are supporting him by eating the healthy and nutritious meals together because it is more important that the healthy food is being eaten than eliminating all the bad. Perhaps as he continues to see the healthier swaps you’re making he will begin to make healthier choices in snacks as well - “think better than” instead of great or perfect. And get him to think about how the unhealthy foods actually make him feel after eating them compared to how he feels after healthy food

Have you talked to him about it after the diabetes talk or even more recently to ask him if he was planning to join you in your diet?
Could it be that he is feeling like you decided to make changes but didn’t include him in the decision process? (how to change the food, what exercise to start, etc)
I can relate as I have a v overweight DH, love him with all my heart but yes from time to time I look at him and will notice the fat and it is not attractive.

You're obviously concerned about his health, and you're right to be. It's like people have forgotten that diabetes kills people? It's not just feeling a bit wobbly and needing a biscuit. My mum died at 56 from T2-related complications, it's a serious disease.

But you know you can't force him to care about it too. You can lead a horse to water, you can't make it drink.

Focus on your own health journey. You love him, so I guess keep encouraging him to be healthier for yours and his sake, but do think about how long this can go on.

Of course it's up to him. You decide what you put in your mouth. He has the same privilege with regard to his.

Presumably if he’s your husband, he’s a fully grown adult who can make their own life decisions.

If you don’t find him sexually desirable any more that is important in a relationship. This isn’t meant to be a platonic friendship. Do you want to stay with him if he continues to be self neglectful and flabby? “nice” is fine for a friend but he meant to be your lover. Belly out crisp munching sounds repulsive

I would approach it differently OP.

Every tie he takes crisps into the lounge leave the room and go and sit in kitchen or wherever and get the laptop out. If he asks what you are doing say you are meal planning.

When you eat together when it comes up mention you are wondering if it’s possible for you to get your diabetes into remission, then mention a couple of things diabetes does to the body and say you are going this new eating regime will just become the normal for you.

No nagging, no suggestions, just planting seeds in his brain, are these crisps worth it?

Or should I just think it’s up to him if he wants to carry on being obese?

It is up to him, though? You can't make decisions about another person's health or body just because you're married to them. That's not how it works.

Or should I just think it’s up to him if he wants to carry on being obese?

I presume you decided to 'carry on being obese' for quite a while so you should know how he feels.

Yes you did! You said you feel like he’s “being deliberately unpleasant”.

I get it, OP.

If my DH was overweight and risking his health/life, to see him knowingly continue with no self-restraint or respect for himself (whilst also setting you up for a time of potentially being his carer or an early widow), this would piss me off too.

However, if you didn’t agree to diet together, you don’t have a bargain to hold him to.