AIBU to say no after my nan died

Absolutely this. Feels weird to me to split up a body.

Does this DC who lives elsewhere live somewhere nice? Maybe she fancied the idea of being near the sea or whatever.

In terms of taking something from the house I would have found something even if I wanted nothing, a particular cup or plate I'd always used, a small ornament, a scarf - you might appreciate that you did in the future and it would have prevented upset.

You may be more upset than you realise. Just tell people you don't feel well enough to help, go to the funeral and say goodbye

It doesn't matter whether garden tools are 'not your style' OP, you should want them because they belonged to your Nan. In years to come, if you take even a fork or a spade, in years to come you'll look at it and think, 'that was Nan's', and believe me, it WILL mean something to you then.

With regard to the ashes, bear in mind that your Nan could have made the decision to be buried, in which case no one would have had any part of her, so try and keep it in proportion.

When my Dad's Mum died, he experienced the same thing you did, all of his 4 sisters were at the house, clearing everything, and taking the best things for themselves, with no thought to the fact he was her only son. He was so sickened by it, he looked around the room, picked up an old clock, which he knew didn't even work, and left. He kept that clock his whole life, and didn't care that it didn't work, it was his Mum's, and that was enough.

Please do go to the funeral, as you WILL regret it if you don't. By all means attend the service, and then leave, but at least give your Nan the respect she deserves by going to 'see her off'.

I am sorry for your loss OP.

I get that you're grieving and im sorry for your loss but you need to screw your head on right and think!

Why on earth do you think a person imagines before their death that they should be divided up as ashes among several different people and stuck into something commercial like a necklace which is just the latest fad to make Internet businesses money? Why would your nan want to be carried about in a necklace for a while only to be thrown into a drawer and then binned after you die?

Come on and get real.

She and your grandfather are not something to fight over. Respect her wishes and stop taking it as a slight.

Find a favourite place and plant a tree in her memory and stop the sulking nonsense.

You are not being unreasonable about the mattresses etc. You don't have to transport anything for anyone. You don't have to maintain contact with any family members you don't get on with.

Some good advice here for you, OP.

Sorry to both of you (OP and Pop that Bench) for your losses and also for peoples shameful behaviour. 🌺

i hope you all look back on this and are ashamed of yourselves before you all do awful things.

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Her wish for her ashes should be respected. Doesn’t matter what you, or anyone else thinks, this is what she wanted.

My close friend died in March, very brief illness. I spent 6hrs helping her DD start clearing her flat on the weekend. It’s a delicate time for everyone, and shouting they have 5 mins to make a choice about keeping things doesn’t help. I don’t have to help my friends DD, but it’s a big task. My friend did a lot for me, so giving up some of my time for this isn’t a lot for me to give. Given it’s your Nan, I don’t think its unreasonable you help a bit. You are coming across as pretty selfish. Just say you can’t do it, arguing over someone’s belongings is pretty grim.

Oh, I see, the ashes went to a grandchild, I had missed that. Do you feel she preferred that person to you and has "chosen" them somehow?

Even if you do I would let it go. What good can jealousy over this do you now? And you have no idea really whether that was the reason.

You need to forget about the ashes, it's really your nans choice and she obviously wanted them to go to this cousin. Tbf having my body cremated and then split up into lots of pieces so people can do whatever with my remains would be horrible and tbh making me into jewellery I'd find quite tacky and disrespectful. You need to let that go.

With the other stuff no its not fair the family expect so much but then if they need stuff gotten rid of is it so bad moving a mattress? An excuse to get out of the house clearing duties? If you dont want to just say no.

Surely as a grown adult you can attend the funeral and just ignore any silly comments or stay away from the likely culprits. I dont understand how you can be so close to your gran to want to make jewellery out of her but you are allowing bickering family members to keep you away from her funeral?

I think it sounds like you're having a hard time and focusing too much on other family members instead of your gran and it's coming out as anger.

Is the root of your extreme anger simply that you cannot have some of the ashes? Or are you angry because of the unspecified item you mentioned that you wanted, that has been left to her daughter?

I think being angry about the ashes is very strange. Surely the most important thing is that whatever your granny wanted to happen to her ashes, happens. She wanted them to stay together.

If you want an item of commemorative jewellery, surely you can have something made with her name or her initial or an image that represents her (favourite flower etc). Must it really contain her ashes?

You are entitled to refuse to help with the clear up of the house if you want, I suppose, but it seems a little unkind. Why do you believe others are more obliged to do it than you? Because they got the ashes? Only one of them did.

Equally, the funeral. Don't go it you don't wish to celebrate her life/mourn her passing, obviously. But it seems a strange decision to make because you don't get some ashes.

As another person said, I wonder if you are grieving more than you realise OP, and it is coming out in anger that you perhaps would not usually feel?

I’ve not long lost my Mum (it was sudden/she was 57), to me it sounds like you’re grieving more than you think you are?
I had 2 weeks to clear my Mum’s home (council) and the rage I felt in those weeks at everybody grabbing and demanding was lethal.

I’ve just picked up my Mum’s ashes today, I’ll be driving her 3 hours north to spread on her Nan’s grave, that was always where she wanted to go and she’d have hated to be split up so that’s what we’re doing.

I think some of your anger will be grief, some of it will be because death brings out the worst in some people (my brother was also a grabber) but I’d say bite your tongue for now, hold your head high 💛

I thought I don't have any funeral preference for myself, but now I've realised I wouldn't want my ashes split. It feels so weird.

For the rest - you say there is a history of being taken for granted. It definitely is a risk again. Can you put some boundary in place - be available only some days/limited time, having a plan to go home at a specific time?
That way you would participate but not became overwhelmed with the interactions.

In a rental property once a tenant has died you often only have a fortnight to clear it.

I think the grief is going to be very raw for all of you after just a week, so maybe it would be better for you all to step back and leave all the clearing out of her house etc until after the funeral and for the time being just be there for each other.

She's only been dead a week and you're all clearing the house already?

Your nan has stated in her will her wishes for her ashes. Like it or not you should respect that.

There are many many people who would be mortified at the idea of their ashes being split and divided up. Lots of people would be very upset at the idea.

I mean this in the kjndest possible way but you need to stop making this about you. One of the very last decisions people get to make is about what happens to their remains. Other people's thoughts on that are irrelevant. Your nan made her wishes clear. If you loved her, respect that. Maybe she chose your cousin as she knew your cousin wouldn't split the ashes up