To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

@Weaselsweasels you had no other children at the time of your pregnancy. The OP has two that will likely be hugely affected by the new baby/relationship. Her DD is noise sensitive and her DS hasn’t accepted her split with his Dad and will probably blame new man/baby for them not reconciling.

Can the op have the baby, of course. It is literally her choice and no one else’s. But to make out like there won’t be ramifications to her other kids AND the new baby are just obtuse.

Sometimes we can't have what we want because what we want, not matter how badly, will upset too many lives

Your exH knew that being unavailable, not being affectionate or loving was driving a wedge in your relationship and he did nothing, no counselling, no effort! He struggled with your daughter but as above he didn’t bother trying to connect with her or understand her. He is using your teenage son’s emotional pain to score points, he doesn’t care if in the process his manipulation breaks your son, he wants you to be ground down seeing your son in so much turmoil to force you to feel guilty and take him back. He doesn’t see he is living in his mum’s spare room because of him being unavailable, he is a cunt.
You've met another Mr unavailable which suited you because a casual relationship is all you can offer, you need all your energy, thoughts and heart to help heal your family from your Exh actions who is deliberately tearing your son apart.
You might not see it right now but you’re showing your children they don’t have to stay in an unhappy relationship and sometimes things don’t work out how you want them too …. Shit happens.
You need to be gentle with your son, without pointing the finger at his dad, he needs to see that his dad blaming you is making him more unhappy. That although you had him and daughter with your exH, your relationship with his dad is something that he doesn’t need to be dragged into, that you both love him and his sister and that will never change. He needs stability from you to slowly accept the status quo.
if you have the baby you need to shield your son from being dragged into being part of an unconventional blended family set up. He will be made to feel disloyal towards his dad about accepting the baby, let alone meeting baby’s father and his other children. There are noise blocker headphones that your daughter can wear when baby arrives. It will take a lot of effort to bring up a baby alone and prioritise your older children’s needs too. If you bring another man into the mix you risk losing your son, you need to stay single for the next five years and concentrate on giving your son the stability he desperately as he grows up.

It's ok not to make any decisions right now OP.

Usually if we don't know what to do it's because we don't have enough info to make a decision at this time.

Be kind in your mind to yourself until your choice options become clearer.

It sounds a little like you put everyone else's emotional wellbeing before yourself.

It's not selfish to put yourself first - it's vital & usually if you are happy that makes a huge difference to your DC.

Yeah it massively gave me the ick. I strongly suspect a man willing to manipulate his child to get his own way is not one who’s going to relish the thought of his ex being pregnant with another man’s child whilst suggesting reconciling. It has the potential to get very messy, but whatever you decide OP I hope everything works out for you x

Wow! That's some assertion!

However I must admit that I'm confused as to why the "viable" query, and therefore the delay , is raised

Perhaps you're correct and the OP is deliberately delaying

OP - if you want the baby just say. We will support you regardless

Hi
I really feel for you. It can seem absolutely daunting. I too had an unplanned pregnancy and was on the pill. Hadn’t missed one at all and no illness eg diarrhoea which can make the pill unstable.
This was mine and husband’s 3rd pregnancy. I had older child of 3 and baby of 5 months when I discovered this pregnancy. Didn’t know how we were going to manage financially as had 2 bed house - mortgaged and no hope of moving. Had only only just bought the house before 2nd child was born. Anyway, decided to not continue the pregnancy BUT I could not go through with termination. I actually got as far as the hospital on the day of appointment and broke down in tears and in discussion with nurses, who were so kind, I continued with pregnancy. Had my 3rd son. So 2 babies 14 months apart both in nappies- no disposables in my time and it was tough. Financially as well as hard work and emotionally. But let me tell you, my sons are all grown men now. I am a widow and this 3rd son has been the most wonderful person throughout most of his life. He’s always been there for me. Anything needs doing he’s the one who helps me. I thank god that I didn’t go through with that termination.
It won’t always be hard for you and if you have always wanted a 3 rd child then maybe this is your chance.
Thinking of you and hope all goes well with your scan.

With respect @Weaselsweasels i disagree that your circumstances were messier. There are 5 existing children to consider here. You did not have that.

Their needs are hugely important here

I'm glad that things worked for your family, but OP can't make decisions based on anecdotes.
To contrast your experience, my friends teenage ASD son physically attacked his 18month old sibling because he couldn't cope with the crying.

OP, will your new man be supportive and happy to contribute financially, or do you think that he will suspect you have tricked him into this? How will you be able to afford maternity leave and nursery provision if you are going it alone?

Like all choices, there are bad ones and good ones. Of course it's the OP's right to finally choose what she does. That doesn't mean people can't point out to her that they think it's a bad choice that has impact on others. Nobody is "demanding" she have an abortion; in the end nobody here cares. It's not anyone here that will be affected.

Put your children first and terminate the pregnancy

Op I’ve created an account just to post on this thread. Please ignore the hectoring, bullying posts demanding you have an abortion because you don’t fit into the confines of what these posters dictate are reasonable circumstances to bring a baby into. They are not pro choice at all but pro abortion and practising soft eugenics. They also make it clear how the dreadful mother and baby homes came to exist.

I am genuinely pro choice. I have had two terminations and felt nothing but overwhelming relief in each case. But when I was faced with a third pregnancy in far more messy circumstances than yours, I kept it and it was the best decision I have ever made. I was brutally raped two weeks before I conceived. I subsequently two weeks later had a drunken night with my ex boyfriend and a day later slept with a new man I had just started seeing. I took the morning after pill and it failed. I was in an awful situation, but I knew I wanted the baby. I was a successful professional with my own home and great salary and I knew I couldn’t have another abortion, so I didn’t. I did a pre-natal DNA test and proceeded with the pregnancy. It was my ex-bf’s and he massively stepped up and has become a wonderful father and in time, husband. We have had two more dc together. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank my lucky stars that I made the choice I did. It can work out in really surprising ways. It really can.

You want this baby, that is clear. And you know what - be selfish. You are prioritising everyone else’s feelings over your own, but this is uniquely the time to consider your own as the person who will be most impacted by an abortion. Keep the baby, be honest with all those involved. Things have a funny way of working out, they really do. Don’t let the hectoring and coercion online or off force you into doing something you will regret. Please.

I am NOT a pro life schill before anyone comes at me. I respect a woman’s right to choose, even in messy circumstances. If you don’t then you have no right to call yourself pro choice. You are pro abortion.

Also to the poster claiming the op got pregnant on purpose - you are a nasty little misogynist so own it.

Why do you keep going on with the faux eyes about the pregnancy not being viable? You know it will be, and it will be deliberately too late for a tablet termination.
You are lying to us, and I would say yourself - but you know you are keeping this kid and to hell with everyone else’s needs.

The father sounds messy and feckless as well, - happy to ditch his daughter as soon as possible to start again with a woman he barely knows.

Does your new boyfriend know that you and ExDH are planning to try again?

You left your ex husband last spring.

You met this guy "a few months" later at a work conference.

Since that point you've seen him 2 or 3 times a week.

And yet you say "I've wished I didn't love him for a long time now".

You barely bloody know the man.

Stop seeing yourself as a character in a romantic novel. You have children to consider.

I second this 👆. You will be able to get a scan sooner. Th abortion providers are brilliant, they don’t influence, they listen.

OP, I understand why you want the scan, because it means there is a chance that mother nature will make the decision for you, which means you don’t have to choose. This absolves a woman of responsibility and makes things easier to reconcile emotionally. That’s a not a judgement, it’s a fact, I’ve been there.

But you also have to consider that having a scan show a healthy pregnancy, will mean you will find it harder to make the choice to terminate. You are in a total head/heart battle. Try to avoid being ambivalent about what you will do, consider what it is you really want…and commit. It’s the indecision and emotional back and forth that is soul destroying.

Only you can decide whether you want to continue the pregnancy. You said earlier that you want the baby and that you tried for a long time to make it work with ExH but it didn’t. In that case the decision is made, it’s not an ideal situation with new man not living with you, but you will manage. Don’t tell your children just yet, wait until your 12 weeks scan if possible, I’m saying this as someone who had one unsuccessful and one successful pregnancy at age 41. It’s a 50/50 situation at our age.
But if you come to the conclusion that you want to end the pregnancy, that is an option and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it.

Have you told the new boyfriend that you are pregnant? Sorry if I missed that.

My heart goes out to you x

OP phone one of the abortion helplines, they won’t pressure you into abortion but can help with counselling over this decision. You don’t need to wait until early June before a scan to decide, waiting longer would likely make a termination harder. Phone the helplines today and see if you can bring your private scan forward.

Oh op, I can really tell how much you’re struggling with this.

I honestly think you need to step away from both men. From what you have said rushing back to your DH doesn’t sound wise.

In regards to the pregnancy, what do you want? You have said previously that you won’t be having the abortion, why the U turn? I know lots of posters are saying it’s the right thing to do, but is it?

I think in your situation it’s about picking your hard. Having an abortion and getting over it might be hard. Upsetting your son and Ex DH by having the baby will be hard. So which hard can you live with?

I think you need to reach out to a friend/family member who knows you and your situation better than us randoms on an internet forum as I think they would help you put things into perspective as right now I think you are panicking and I think it’s important for you to talk it through with someone and make the right decision for you and your family not one made in haste.

If you don’t have anyone, maybe a helpline, or someone to talk to over the phone.

Why wait a month for a scan? Ring the TOP service today if you've finally made the right decision.

Kindly I don’t think this is right for your two kids.
I think being pregnant has made you emotional and that’s why you have clung to your ex being all remorseful.
Please think past you wanting another baby it’s not what your kids will want or need .