To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

That is ridiculous!

'Circumstances always sort themselves out' is absolute horseshit nonsense!

They absolutely do not!

I wouldn't go back to the ex. The relationship doesn't work. You've ended it for a reason. Surely, those reasons are still present and haven't miraculously resolved.

So, really you need to decide if you want or don't want the baby. Forget about the men. Take them out of the equation.

She also said:
‘I know I most likely can’t continue the pregnancy’

OP has also said that she is conflicted and thinks a termination may be the best choice.

People are free to state their opinions either way. Presumably OP didn't start this thread just to have lots of people say "oh that does sound tricky; but you make the decision you want to make".

OP has said she wants to carry on with the pregnancy so why are people telling her to have a termination?

Forget all of the noise on here @MaddieInAmess. And you make the decision that you want to make.

I think it is easy for people to say put your existing children over a new child when that new child is hypothetical or hasn’t yet happened. It is much harder when it is you who is actually pregnant.

I am not sure mumsnet can really help you here OP, it is ultimately your decision and I would use the counselling services of abortion clinics to talk it through with unbiased people who have special training.

Honestly you shouldn’t be with either man. It certainly doesn’t work with exdh. You’ve split multiple times. You are lonely and his basically throwing himself at you as an easy solution to that. But the same old issues will creep in. Also you’d be terminating the pregnancy or wanting your ex to raise another man’s baby? Then that’s more fish what is old new man wants to be an involved dad and ex wants to pretend he didn’t exist. Dramaaa

New man’s a no go really as distance with children. So can’t live together or even close for many years.

New baby well that’s a head and heart. You want a baby, can afford a baby. You are worried your son will want to live with his dad if you have a new baby. Honestly I’d always put my existing children before new children but then again I also can’t say I’d find picking an abortion easy or right either. It’s easy for us to say what to do when we are not the ones there. Just more safety measures in future.

You are likely to change your mind multiple times. When you feel calm enough write down what ending/continuing the pregnancy looks like and the likely reality of each outcomes. Then do a to do list of each outcome. Of course the ending the pregnancy outcome, will be time limited in its objectives when compared to the continuing outcome , which can be taken at a much slower pace in the next few weeks.

This is very challenging. Try and get additional support if it is possible.

Having both plans written down means you don't have to continually think about it all. What plan you want in that moment tells you want you need to do. Over the next few days you will find a plan which feels more like a solid next step which you are comfortable with.

I would advise on your ending the pregnancy plan to get in contact now to start the possible process of a termination. In my local area due to issues, it is 4 weeks for an assessment. However, I am in Scotland where privately arranged termination is hard to access. It is nearly all NHS and the timescale they able to run to.

Complete madness to go through with the pregnancy in these circumstances. Think of your DT and put them first.

It is her body and her choice but we can't dismiss that going through will the pregnancy will have a negative effect on her kids mental health and it will impact her ability to care for the children she already has. Either way, somebody is not going to get what they want, it's either OP or her current children. Most parents would choose to take the hit themselves, especially since the children played no part in creating the mess, but some won't and that is a risk they are willing to take.

Don’t have a baby just because you’re over 40 and feel it’s last chance saloon. How many unhappy families that mindset must have created…

Not complicated at all.

You are aware many woman CHOOSE to be single mothers, no fathers involved at all (I know several who went down sperm donor route). You are making up drama based on everything having to conform to 50s-esq nuclear family bullshit which doesn't apply to the modern world or OP.

OP situation isn't wildly rare or unusual and regardless of if she stays with this new man or not she will be fine and it will not be hard to adjust and make it work for her.

I was the first born, my parents divorced when I was a toddler. My sibling was born when I was 10... he has never had a relationship with my father (because its nothing to do with him, why would he have a relationship with our mams ex husband who is not related to him). Why on earth would he? The younger sibling in these scenarios rarely ever has a relationship with their older siblings paternal family so why do you magically think it has to be different the other way around.

This isn't a 'step dad' to the older kids replacing their father, they have their dad and do not need a relationship with a man who lives 3 hours away regardless of if their sibling does or doesn't. Same way their new baby sibling wont be off to stay with their dad when they do go to visit him.

I am 200% pro choice and agree that this is not the best time to bring a third child into the world, I wouldn’t if in her shoes, but the op doesn’t want to have an abortion, no matter how many times you call it a foetus, for the OP is her “baby”. If she goes through an abortion she doesn’t want, there are possible life long ramifications that can have an impact on her mental heath and her ability to take care of the children she already has.

She won’t be much worse than any other woman who divorces after having three children. It will be difficult no doubt, but pushing her to dispose of the possibility of this pregnancy it is wrong and unhelpful. The circumstances are not ideal but are not necessarily permanent either.

Her body, her choice, whatever choice she wants.

Yeah I think these are two completely different issues.

If you decided to carry on with the pregnancy surely your ex husband isn’t going to return to the family and raise the baby with you? I assume he doesn’t even know you were seeing someone else, and even if he did you said he didn’t want anymore kids.

You keep talking about the pros and cons of getting back with ex-DH. But surely it doesn't matter anymore? You want to keep this baby and ex-DH never wanted a third child. He's struggling financially as it is - surely it would be a massive stress to step up and provide for a new baby? Assuming he would even want to raise another man's child.

Does he even know about the other man? Won't the reunion will be all off anyways, as soon as he finds out you're pregnant by someone else?

I am autistic with adhd and a history of abuse and trauma and I would absolutely contact an abortion service just for the counselling. It is the most logical and rational thing to do.

They are unbiased and I have used these services and they will help you make an informed choice. I contacted them and was offered counselling within 48 hours of my original phone call.

I've already posted about how you've centered yourself and your wants. I stand by it because the reasons you'd be bringing a baby into this world are centering your self, when babies should come into this world with themselves centered first. You know that neither of your existing children will cope for very different reasons. How are you going to overcome that, genuinely? If you have an answer for that then perhaps you can make it work.

There are a lot of what ifs as well. What if your child is born and has complex needs? What if they are born and have congenital defects? What if the demands of looking after a newborn, then a baby, then a toddler on top of your emotionally and physically developing teenagers doesn't fulfil you the way you're expecting? What if you've got rose tinted glasses on about this?

How will you cope if one or both of your existing children do not adapt? You can't force them into any sort of therapy and you can't force them to interact.

What if the needs of each child conflict, which they do in any multi-child household regardless of need or disability? What support network can you build for yourself right now?

Are you looking for a permanent relationship? Do you think it can work with either XH or new man? I don't as I've already expressed in my last post but do you? Assuming the answer is no, do you think you can fulfil the want of a permanent long term relationship with 3 kids, 2 different dads, and over a 3 hour round trip to facilitate their relationships with their parents on top of being thoughtful and present partner to someone who would want to be a thoughtful and present partner to you?

What contraception will you use going forward? You've stated you have ADHD and I personally historically know that diagnosis and the contraceptive pill don't mix very well, it requires consistency and routine and planning and executive function when there are lower demand options available like the implant and the IUD.

I might sound like a very harsh person. I am blunt, and pragmatic but I don't lack empathy, and right now I have a lot of empathy for your children and believe it or not, for you because I am asking you to think about these questions, to come up with solutions to the problems you've got so you can make a choice that you and your family will have to live with.

Who would be at the birth? Who would look after your twins? What if, like me and many others you end up readmitted with post birth complications for either you or your baby?

You can't do this without support. And I can't see XH accommodating his children while you go off and have another man's child. He doesn't have the facilities to do that anyway.

What about school runs? Your children are at different stages in their lives, they vary in independence and maturity. Can they take themselves to and from school? Are they dependent on you to get there and back? What about accommodating their relationships with friends? How will introducing a third child impact this?

There are so many questions that need answers. Please contact an abortion service so they can help you answer these questions with properly trained counselling and acknowledge that your diagnosis may mean you are likely to make impulsive dopamine spiking decisions and thus you do need guidance from external sources which is what they are there for.

All the best to you OP.

That’s why I said it’s your body and your choice. I would never advocate for anyone to do something that they were not 100% at peace with. What I meant was that regardless of whether OP continues with the pregnancy, she has to keep her two children at the forefront of her mind. All of this back and forth between two men and then getting pregnant (albeit accidentally) is have already been impactful on her kids and to suddenly introduce a new man AND a baby is undoubtedly going to be a very difficult transition. Her decisions moving forward need to be with the full picture in mind, not just a fairytale of finally having three kids without considering how she would make that work in reality. Taking this into consideration will ultimately protect her own mental health too.

Financially I would struggle but not fall apart - I own my own business so wouldn’t need childcare etc

Unless your own business only involves a few hours a week of work and/or you have a baby who reliably sleeps for long periods of time, you are going to struggle to look after a baby, two teenagers and work, without any childcare.

This isn’t about what man is more suitable as neither of them are, this is about your decision on the pregnancy and being a single mum. This is about you recovering from depression, being happy and your kids accepting that the breakup is for good, you all moving forwards.
You were not happy with your Ex, neither was your DD, your ex is abusing your son’s mental health by manipulating him to take sides. He is not a nice man! Your casual partner is not an option because he too is unavailable emotionally and has his own life.
Your decision is about you and your children only, no men. They are not an option if you want a happy life with your children, their dad is only interested in his own needs and is using their unhappiness as a weapon against you. This is about you standing on your own two feet, independent and thriving. It’s better to be alone than in a shit relationship and once you find your strength to do it alone you will find your happiness in your life won’t be because of any man. It will be in taking the reigns and being your own hero

I’m not surprised you’ve been depressed @MaddieInAmess your exH has been making sure of that! He’s been deliberately making your son’s emotions worse and making it crystal clear only his needs matter.
Your casual relationship with Mr Unavailable was a distraction from depression but it’s time to stand up, dust yourself down and reconnect with your old friends or make new ones. You tried very hard to keep your relationship going with your exH but he didn’t bother trying, so accept it. It just didn’t work out. You’re feeling stuck in quicksand but you are not stuck in the old relationship, this is your new life so no looking back even if ex is doing everything in his power to drag you back.
Your new chapter is about you and your children, finding out who you are and guiding your children into accepting their new life, you need your friends or to make new friends and to find your feet. Stop worrying about whether you made the right decision leaving ex, you obviously DID make the right decision as you were unhappy then but it takes time to get used to change so give yourself a break. Your ex is making sure you’ve been depressed since the breakup and using everything to make you feel guilty but as I said before, he’s showing you his true colours and a cunt so you were right to leave him.
You have made your decision about your pregnancy, keep it quiet for as long as possible as it’s early days, I know your worried you might miscarry but you’re tearing yourself apart looking for a solution. Let things be, you are not in control of whether the pregnancy is viable but stressing isn’t doing you any good.
You can’t stop your ex using your son’s emotions to manipulate you but you can change how you react. It’s awful seeing your children in distress but you can be there for him, you can gently tell him it’s ok to be sad and upset, you’re there for him to talk through his feelings but a child shouldn’t have to shoulder the burden of his parents breakup by being made to pick sides. That it’s of course he is upset but the main thing is, he is very loved by both of his parents and in time he will accept it.
Change is scary but you just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, this is where you’re life is meant to be, a single parent who won’t be manipulated and who is their children’s warrior.

Im sorry OP but why isn’t your main priority your 13 year olds?

I think you need to separate the various items.

Regardless of baby do you want your exH back or are you just feeling lonely / vulnerable / hormonal? You have already tried for many years to make this work and it hasn't, why would it suddenly be different now. It would be very disruptive for your DS and xDH to have him move back in only to change your mind and move him back out later. You also aren't mentioning your DD much but it sounds like she is thriving without the atmosphere of having him live there, your DS may be happy to see him back but then your DD would be miserable. Maybe what you really want is a more present partner in your life and not the long distance guy or perhaps more support from groups / ladies closer to home to help with loneliness?

It can be hard dealing with the guilt of divorcing a basically decent human being who just can't manage their own life but you deserve not to be a babysitter for another adult.

Do take the advice to see help now OP, if you wait until June you will just be in permanent turmoil. Hard as it is, the sooner you make a definite decision the better.

If I was you, I wouldn’t hesitate to terminate.
You don’t live with the father, therefore don’t really know him. He already has multiple children, it’s just too messy.
The effect on your existing twins - what if the baby has the same issues as your daughter? Or worse disabilities? Increasingly possible with older maternal age.
Finances won’t be any easier with three kids.
If you were 40 and childless I’d say go for it, but you’ve already got two kids to think of and things don’t sound particularly easy as it is. This baby would push me over the edge so I know what I would do. You need to think long and hard if you want to make your life harder than it needs to be.