To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

I agree with all of the above.

You still have a bit of time to think things through. Whichever choice there will be hurdles.. but you've already dealt with many hurdles and you will be able to deal with the ones that come.

I think @GrandmasCat is right when they say don't make a choice to appease other people - and in particular your Ex. There is no need to appease him at all. You have split up.
The reasons for that split haven't changed - even though you feel guilty about it.

Do you actually have room in the rented house for another child (after babyhood) or will it necessitate one of your existing children sharing with a much younger sibling? Or a move? You work for yourself now and say you wouldn’t need childcare with the new baby, but who will run your business while you’re looking after the baby (or babies, could be twins, as they are more common in older mothers)?

Bloody well said, this thread reminds me of the witch hunting lone mothers need to endure from people who clutch their pearls thinking that having an abusive and controlling man to co parent in a toxic environment is “better” than co-parenting apart.

Please give the woman some credit, it takes balls to walk away from a controlling man and carve a life on your own for the sake of your children.

There are posts chastising her for not listening and not agreeing to an abortion already, it is not even 24 hours since she realised she was pregnant. Give the woman a break, she has enough weeks ahead of her to decide, it is perfectly ok to have some time to deal with the shock, ponder her options and then take a decision with a cold head.

I think its really positive news, and more discussions need to be had about practicalities. Don't write it off so soon!

Respectfully, you're spiralling. It could just be the hormones, but looking at your posts all put together, I get the impression you're a chronic people pleaser, who may be self-sabotaging.

You've had the best possible response from your partner, and you still think it's not enough. Your mind has jumped straight to the worst case scenario of giving birth alone. Honestly, it seems like you struggle to say no to anyone, and would rather avoid a difficult situation than work your way through it. It's like you're always waiting for someone else to tell you what to do.

I know you're overwhelmed, but it feels like you're almost looking for reasons it will all go wrong. The idea of moving or blending your families is just completely off the table for you, right from the jump, and I don't understand why. Yes, your children are neurodivergent - but your attitude to your DD's noise sensitivity and your DS missing his dad doesn't seem to be "I'll help them through this difficult adjustment". Instead you're trying to rearrange everything to suit them. I appreciate you feel guilty after the divorce, and you don't want to push either of them into meltdown. But if you roll over and shield them from any discomfort, you're not doing them any favours either. Neurodivergent kids need to learn to regulate themselves, adjust to others, adjust to change, be more resilient . . . all the same lessons neurotypical kids learn. It's harder and you have to go about it differently, but you still owe it to them to try.

I think you're feeling very alone and overwhelmed, OP, and you're not seeing the wood for the trees right now. You need to talk to someone. A professional. This pattern of behaviour is ruining your own happiness. If you want to buck your ideas up, I think the best way to do it is to find a therapist who is kind, but won't let you get away with the self-sabotage either. And work with them on sorting your life out, one problem at a time, until you get back on an even keel. It won't be pretty, but you can do it.

Don’t worry about the possibility of giving birth alone. I did, labour progressed quickly and exh had to stay with my other two
They met him after 4 hours and we all went home together
I think it’s promising that new man intends to step up
It’s not a conventional set up, but that doesn’t matter at all.

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you are in such distress.

What I've noticed is that you seem to be feeling all of this pressure to do what you think will make everyone happy. Your DD, your DD, your ex and the new man.

It's okay to put yourself first in this situation. In fact, it's necessary. It seems as if trying to make all of these individuals happy is leading to loads of emotional confusion and conflicting feelings of responsibility and guilt.

You do not need to do anything right now. I would kindly explain to both men that you are pregnant and need to take some time to process that. You need some space.

I would then focus on you, give yourself time to move through this moment.

You can always reach out to one or the other of the men if you eventually realise you truly want to be with them. All in good time.

Don't let circumstances and other people's feelings force you into or out of a relationship that you may not want with either man.

Absolutely agree, and so glad everything has worked out for you and your family!

It does sound like a lot of those suggesting abortion are just pro-abortion. The basic definition of pro-choice affirms women’s bodily autonomy, regarding ending a pregnancy or not. Recommending that a woman have an abortion, even though she has already said she wants to keep the baby, is the complete antithesis of that.

It’s also extremely dangerous territory because if it’s okay to tell a woman to have an abortion based on certain circumstances then when does it end? It’s entirely subjective. Next we’ll be hearing if you don’t earn more than £60k you should have an abortion if you fall pregnant because otherwise you are a selfish person. What a woman chooses to do regarding her pregnancy should be respected. End of.

Op… that’s a very good step in the right direction, it is not a ring but, you have not been together for long and looking at his reaction and his set up at home, it seems at least like he could be a responsible parent even if you do not make it as a couple.

I’m not suggesting you put your pink tinted eye glasses already but you need to be a bit more positive, you are one step better than you were this morning (if you want to let the pregnancy progress).

It sounds a better option than having a termination you don't want and can't tell your ex, stuck with him making your daughter and you miserable - even before you add in any repercussions if the ex and your son find out you have been in a relationship with somebody else in that time (and you know that if he already manipulates your son to keep on at you, he's guaranteed to tell him about it).

Don’t despair!
this may well work out!
new man hasn’t cut and run, he’s stepping up!

be more positive; a new baby will be a great addition

This is really promising OP he could have been horrified and just walked!
You seem really unclear about what you actually want apart from obviously not ever having ended up in this position.
If you want to keep your baby the new man is stepping up. It seems it might work out in an awkward sort of way. I think you have to decide once and for all about the exH though. I don't think you can really try to reconcile and keep the baby. Maybe this is fate intervening to help you move on with your life. Who knows?

Do you love each other though?

I’m not wanting to sound patronising but do you honestly seriously love each other? Do you want a serious relationship with him? Despite him living over an hour away from you and potential new baby?

You need to think of the practicalities here. IF you go ahead with the pregnancy you will be doing most of the childcare alone. He will need to work childcare of his new baby around his job and his 3 others kids. That may potentially mean his 3 kids visit/stay at your home? As it would be seriously unfair to drive a newborn for hours on end. Do you think your twins could cope and adapt to this?

You need to speak to a counsellor. Contact BPAS - it doesn’t mean you have to go through with a termination but they will be able to talk to you, inform you and guide you. They are professionals. People on Mumsnet aren’t.

I wish you the best with what you decide to do and hope it all works out for you but if I’m being totally blunt you need to put the needs and welfare of your two teenagers first. Not the ex and not the new man. You would probably be better off as a single woman just concentrating on navigating life for yourself and the twins. But obviously you need to decide on what’s best.

I think if you proceed with the pregnancy then you should do so on the basis that you will be a single parent. Then if things work out with him, its a bonus.

If you stay with the new man and keep the baby your looking at him being a part time dad purely though logistics. It will only be when his children are with their mum and depending on the older girl who with him full time.

Basically the relationship as it is now but you also have a baby how does that sound genuinely. Since you seem like just the long distance relationship was hard enough lonely wise.

OP, I would have loved a 3rd child too. Doesn't mean that it should have happened - and it did not.

I think you intend to continue with the pregnancy, otherwise you wouldn't be waiting until June for a scan.

Ultimately, it is your decision, but your situation really is messy and thinking with your heart and romantic ideals won't help. You must apply cold hard logic here.

Despite telling you about an abortion I had in messy family circumstances and how it was the best thing for me to do and I didn't ever regret it. I have been thinking again about your situation OP.
I think you really, really don't want to have an abortion. I think that's why you are waitng to see what happens "naturally". If you want this baby - keep it, whatever anyone else says/thinks.
At the very least it probably sorts out the exH situation as I cannot imagine he'd want to come back and play happy families with another man's baby. However I don't think that's a bad thing. I think the situation with your DS is clouding your judgement. I think you need to sit your DS down and and tell him gently that you and his dad will not be getting back together - ever. Tell him you tried your best but it didn't work and while you are sorry he and his dad are sad about things that this doesn't change the situation. His dad loves him and they still see each other that just has to be enough. You don't owe either of them going back to an unhappy marriage.
Take a breath, think about what you really want that is achievable and then start setting it in place. See how your new man reacts to the news as this might help you decide what to do, but please talk to someone who knows you well in IRL about what going on.
It must also be very difficult after previously having to have fertility treatment to conceive, to find yourself even having to consider abortion. Life can be a real bitch. 💐

@MaddieInAmess

How are you feeling now? In yourself?

I know you have had lots of advice.

I have already replied but I wanted to say, take the other people out of the equation and think about you and how you will cope and what you want, then do that.

I'd take a break from both men to work out what you want.

If your Ex husband has ASD too then that is extremely difficult and I completely understand what you are going through.

please get some counselling for yourself if you can. You are going through a lot even without this pregnancy and be proud of yourself for being brave enough to come on here for advice.

You are going to be alright, you just need some support x x

If the mother is ok, the children are ok. I understand that in such complex situation we can only aim for the mum and children to be okay…ish though.

This woman has gone through a lot in her marriage and unlike many women who stay in horrible marriages “for the sake of their children” she has had the courage most of those women won’t ever have to start afresh away if domestic abuse so… don’t dismiss her ability to survive yet another hurdle (if she wants to, of course).

I think Op would do well to get off this chat so she can calm down after the shock of finding herself pregnant just a few hours ago and rather than getting hundreds of voices shouting abort! Abort! Abort! She has a few short weeks to assess what support she has, whether the new partner would be supportive or not, how she will manage financially, etc before taking the decision that works best for her very own and particular circumstances.

What she should not be doing is going ahead with an abortion she doesn’t want to appease an abusive ex husband or a child who is far too young to be calling the shots on what his mother does or not.

When you say you always wanted a third child was that because you wanted to be pregnant and give birth again? Were there things that didn't go well the first time that you want to redo? Did you just picture being a family of 5? The reality of this pregnancy is obviously going to be very different.

Whatever you decide, be confident that you have made the best decision you can for yourself and your children. You're not responsible for the other adults in your life.

You say you wouldn’t consider living together until 3 years which is the right thing to do.
If I were you, I’d wait until the early scan. Nature may decide for you.
I miscarried an unplanned pregnancy the day before I was due to take Mifepristone to end it.