To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

In all kindness this pregnancy will have such an awful effect on your ds who is already really struggling

I think that having a new baby when your existing children are unhappy would be a grave mistake.

I was judging her comment not her behaviour. She’s perfectly entitled to leave her partner. Just not to then claim she’s unwilling to break up the family. She clearly is. Whether that was the right or wrong decision is something different.

Did you mean to be so judgemental with your last paragraph? There is no requirement for op to stay in an unhappy marriage- children or not. Doesn't mean she isn't allowed to feel guilty because her son is missing his dad. Woman are always being made to feel that they should come last in the list of priorities- it shouldn't be the case. Op does need to step up and work out what she wants so there are strict relationship boundaries that her children can work within.

Brilliant idea , until the child finds out due until they do a family ancestry DNA test or some sort of medical issue comes up.

That’s might be a bit…morally questionable?

its a necessary evil.

Well it’s too late for that now as the OP has already told the new man about the baby, plus the fact that it would be highly immoral to do that.
We might never know what happens unless the OP comes back.

That's a horrendous thing to do

Sleep with your husband and pretend you are having your next DC.

this is what I would do - for everyone’s sake

it doesn’t sound like you really know the new man enough to be having a child together

I think you need to think quite laterally here. You are trying to shoehorn this into your current situation. It’s not going to work but there are other ways it could work but just accepting there will be no ‘idea’ but just as the current situation, a possible baby aside, is not ideal but everyone is dealing with it.

Introducing a baby in this current situation, essentially putting it in the kids faces and forcing a man into their lives with no choice, has the potential to derail relationships forever. However, is there a scenario where the kids are able to live with dad (exDH) full time and then visit you as and when they feel comfortable with the situation, so it’s not being forced on them but on their own terms? That has the potential, while rocky at first, to end up keeping solid relationships with them. Has a financial settlement been done, could the ex-DH have the house with the kids for now (not forever obviously, just delaying the financial stuff until youngest moves out and the home can then be sold and split for example)?

That would mean OP could have a small place, where the current kids are welcome but not forced to be, and the baby could happily share bedroom with the OP for the first few years. Then, if the relationship with the other man is still going well at that point, either he could look to move in if his kids are also then at the age of being off out of home, or a new place could be found together in whatever location is best all round at that point in time.

There are ways to try and make this work, but it’s going to take out of the box, rather than traditional thinking.

Please don't tell either man untill you have made your decision, they will have there own take which will just complicate things even more..it might be too much for exh to take on another man's child so he may push for abortion, bf may be over the moon and want to jump into living together when you or kids arnt ready, I think you need to decide which if any man you want and if you want to keep baby or not and if the two decisions can tally. Goodluck.

You haven’t ruined lives (that is dramatic), and yes you’re spiralling! Go outside, go for a walk, speak to someone - get yourself out of your head.

Your relationship with your ExH is over, you’re not getting back with them for the sake of your dc.

ND, myself and I agree with the other poster saying that ND kids need to learn to manage their emotions too.

Have you an abortion previously, and would you really be okay with this decision? No need to answer. I had one when I was younger, not really wanting to because of the “situation” & it was traumatic. I’m still pro-choice, but sharing my experience, because not enough women talk about the regret of having a termination. If you don’t want one, and go through with it, I can guarantee you will feel 1M times worse about yourself.

In response to the poster saying it prob won’t work out, per my last message:

Ultimately, no one knows how it will work out, and there is so much in our control, but I know how I prefer to live. You can find solutions, or look for problems. And, navigating tricky situations is part and parcel of life.

The best thing she can do as a parent is be open and honest, and be there for her DC. Share her honest feelings, tell them her love for them won’t change.

An unhappy mother won’t be good for the dc.

Catch up. 🙄

"You made your bed....."

This, your DS will probably not forgive you if you keep the baby. You need to think carefully, it's a mess.

This your post is not clear.

“I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.”

i think you (both) need to prioritise your DS. He is at an incredibly vulnerable time of his life and sounds like he is really struggling. He clearly wants, quite understandably, to live with his father, and you need to figure out a way to make that happen. if you’re “100% sure he would move out” if you brought a new man where exactly would he go? The streets?

P.S. Your comment about not being able to cope with the guilt of breaking up your family rings a bit hollow to put it mildly. That’s precisely what you’ve done by leaving you husband. Much to your son’s detriment.

You need to look after the 2 children you already have. In your shoes, I think I would end the pregnancy.

It sounds best to end things with the new man, unless he is prepared to do sporadic long distance for the foreseeable future.

Getting back with your Ex sounds a very bad idea. It will only lead to a 2nd heartbreak and upheaval, which won't be good for your son.

First, congratulations!

Second, is your child on the spectrum labile? Do they react strongly and lash out? Would you fear for the baby? Are you able to reason with your children? Will they react strongly to crying?

Can you organize the household to accommodate and integrate an infant? Will the ExH come help with his children while you care for a newborn? If you are not bringing the new boyfriend into the household, there is no reason for DH to not help you with his own children.

If you can wrangle two children, one on the spectrum, and add a baby, go for it. DS will have to adjust because there isn't another option. There must be classes or groups about integrating babies into families with older children and families with ASD children.

It is a pretty big mess. It’s not your fault but you do need to step up and start taking control. You’ve made a decision to separate from exDH and you need to own that, for your son’s sake as much as anyone’s.
The indecision and backwards and forwards with your ex is not helping. You already gave it another chance and it didn’t work. Stay on good terms with your ex but don’t get back together. The inevitable break up will be even more messy and devastating for your child.
With peace and love, however much you think you want a baby, and many woman do have this overwhelming urge in their 40s as they face the impending loss of their fertility, it’s the last thing you need. Your older children need to come first and your financial security is paramount, especially with the precarious financial position of both the men in your lives.
The baby’s father is not in a position to support you or live with you for at least three years, maybe more. He is rightly putting his existing children first.
Your mental health is fragile. Your depression has alienated your potential support network. You know your lovely son may suffer. Your daughter may too. (Btw exDH is quite right not to give in to her demands he become vegetarian. It’s a personal choice and you do her no favours if you don’t support him in this). You really aren’t in a good place to bring a baby into the mix. Whatever you decide, make the decision. Don’t just leave it chance. Take ownership of the decision and model purposefully behaviour for your children. Good luck. I wish you well.

Question - why do you think you have ruined lives? Who is feeding you this nonsense? Why do you feel guilt for leaving a relationship which made you feel unhappy? Why do you think you should have stayed unhappy? It is entirely possible to be a trap husband a good dad - The two are not mutually exclusive.
Do you love your ex or do you love current partner or do you love none of them? This you need to make your mind up on. There is zero point to stringing either or both of them along if you are having a wobble about dealing with happy accident on your own as you are still going to be unhappy and therefore none of the angst has been worth it. You have also got to accept that baby is coming - I think you know you are keeping it otherwise you wouldn't have booked a scan, you would have booked a termination. Lastly give yourself some grace - you are dealing with a lot. Loss of a family unit. Loss of a husband. Lack of full time support from new partner due to living arrangements. Hormones from happy accident. Growing a baby. Preparing for the baby stage again. Worried about other children. And that is on top of just the regular day to day stress of running a house. It is a lot. You are entitled to feel sad, stressed, a bit excited, sick, whatever. Good luck whatever you chose to do - it might be hard but in the words of L'Oréal- you are worth it! 😊

You’re making this into a huge deal when it dosnt need to be. I’m sorry but this situation is a total shit show and so unfair on all the kids already involved (and sounds likes theres a good few) because two adults can’t stop making puppy eyes at each other over a meagre year. Both of you need to put your current children first for once.

I know from experience that emotionally detached men can not become emotionally sensitive to your needs. Because you ended the relationship for this reason it's very easy to feel that there was nothing much wrong and be tempted to get back together. In some ways you have already moved on without your ex and especially as you have been happy with another man who you miss. Ask yourself whether you are taking your ex back because it makes everyone else happy and that's the easy option and would you genuinely be happy to go back to life as it was. Or would you like some time alone to think through what you really want for the future.