To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

If you definitely do not want a termination then you will need to tell both men that you are pregnant.

At the present time, it might be unwise to make any decisions as to whether you want to resume your relationship with your husband. But presumably the issues that led you to separate have not been resolved - as you say your husband was emotionally distant and unaffectionate when you were together. And do you have any idea how your husband might react to your news - would he, for instance, be able to accept what has happened and agree with you continuing the pregnancy? Just as importantly, would he be able to fully accept another man's child as his own? How would your children react to the news of your pregnancy/were they aware of your relationship with the other man? Other than if you change your mind about a termination, in which case you need to take steps now, don't do anything hasty. Perhaps you would find counselling (on your own or, if he was agreeable, with your husband) helpful.

@MaddieInAmess

How are things going?

A friend of mine had a horrendous labour with DS1, Fine with #2, nearly died with #3 who has down syndrome.
She's in her 40s.

Do you think you and your children would be able to manage should #3 occur?

And like PP have said, miscarriage is increased risk.

I think you need to focus on what you've got already. Some people would kill for 1 child. You've got 2 and life isn't conventional rn.
If your life was different then maybe another pregnancy would be ok but I don't think so I'm afraid.
Sorry.
Good luck whatever happens.

I wonder if he’d still feel that way if he knew you’d very recently told your ex that you were regretting ending things and potentially wanting to reconcile.

Thoughts with you @MaddieInAmess . Wishing you peace of mind, clarity and
discernment. I once had a similar dilemma and external support and counselling was invaluable for me.

You're in a situation you didn't mean to be in. You didn't do this on purpose. You're a good person, go easy on yourself. Your kids will be ok. Your ex will be ok. The pregnancy exists now and if you want to keep it that is ok, it is your body and your choice. Again, your kids will be ok. It might be hard for them but life can be like that, they're growing up fast and they'll get their heads round it.

I hope you're ok and feeling like there's a positive way forward.

Plenty of men have raised other mens babies. If her DH doesn't' want to that's his choice to make.
Living with the lie would be terrible for Op and shut for the child

yes I suppose if Hitler wanted to get those Jews in your basement you would be totally hinest

bad anallogy

the poont is sometimes a lie and manipulation can be the lesser of 2 evils

she wants to be back with her husband and he also wants this. The children also want tgis

the new guy never has to know and neither does the baby

unless the baby is another race I don’t see the harm. You already have 2 children. The chances of divorce or things not working out with the new guy is much higher than it not working out with a husband of 10 yewrs

you raise ththe child as if he is tha full sibling of the other 2 children and not only is this going to be a LOT easier for the kids it’s going to be easier on mom

the only reason not to is if she really loves the new guy and thinks it’s worth a lot of stress and disruptions. I did this ( divorced and started a new family) and I don’t really recommend it

@MaddieInAmess how do you know you have ruined lives? Your children may really thrive having another baby around, you’re trying your best and you deserve a life and happiness also!

Wow what bad advice!! It's one thing to not be sure who the father is, if OP had slept with both men. She didn't. To suggest she now sleeps with her ex, expressly so she can trick him into thinking it's his child is messed up and so wrong.

Ignoring the obvious emotional manipulation and deceit, what happens when the real father wants to be involved in the baby's life? Doesn't the child deserve to know it's parents and not a lie? What would happen if the OP and her ex decided to split again, does she "come clean" to the real father because it might be "better for her"?

It might be a difficult situation and one she wasn't expecting to happen but lying, tricking and manipulation isn't going to solve it!!

@MaddieInAmess

How are you doing?

I hope all is OK.

You have not ruined lives at all. You deserve to be happy.

I had two children in 15 months when I was 39.5 and nearly 41. It was fine. I feel very strongly that a decision about a pregnancy is for the mother to make. The OP says that she wants to keep the baby. We should respect that.

If you don’t want to be pregnant there are pills can be prescribed in early pregnancy.by a gynae clinic or doc,ask your gp for referral) If this isn’t an option for you then stay clear of both men for as long as you can and think what YOU want. Whatever you decide I wish you well and the best of luck going forward.

How so?

That doesn't mean "your existing child gets to make the decision for you" you know. It means "don't put your desire for a baby above everything else, including your existing children" amongst other things.

I think if OPs son chooses to leave, he chooses to leave, who’s to say he’s not going to join the circus, get married or work away? You can’t base your life on other peoples reactions

Are you being deliberately obtuse? Leaving for work or uni or whatever isn't what that means. It means, OP's son leaving to live with his father and not speaking to or having a relationship with his own mother.

Existing children should always come first

Wed only ever have one each on that case.

Existing children should always come first.

Indeed but if you force something on them you know they will have you don’t get to be shocked by their reactions

Maybe we were raised differently, our family has always welcomed new babies, in what ever circumstances they arrive, we have half siblings, step children, random assortment of aunts uncles cousins, not once has anyone not budged over and made room.

I think if OPs son chooses to leave, he chooses to leave, who’s to say he’s not going to join the circus, get married or work away? You can’t base your life on other peoples reactions.

Your kids may surprise you.

If you genuinely think your Ds will leave then having a new baby means you pick the new possible over an existing Child…

and I’ll await the songs of you can’t let your children run your life blah blah blah. Indeed but if you force something on them you know they will have you don’t get to be shocked by their reactions

This. Exactly this.

"A woman's right to choose" doesn't mean she shouldn't consider the other people who will be impacted by her choice.

I am not surprised but I am disgusted by those people advocating just having the baby because she wants it. Life is rarely as simple as that. There is nuance and other factors hence why OP came here for support.

The choice in the end is hers and hers alone but only a child says "it'll all work out just go for it".

You really need to put your sons feelings first. You say you miss your ex husband but apparently in love with the other guy. You've given your ex false hope that you want him back and now you want to bring a baby into this shit show?