To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

Sorry didn't realise this was an old post, just seen update.
Thinking of you for your appointment

I wouldn't go through with it.
Son worries he is being replaced and his mum and dad are not getting back together.

Since new dad can't move in for a few years, that means the 13yo kids will have to help you with the baby. Whilst trying to study for important gcses, they have a screaming toddler to listen to.

Do you have enough room?

Have the baby if you want the baby.

Your existing child doesn’t get to decide that for you. Yes, you should consider the children you already have, whether you’ll be able to care for them etc. But that’s not the same as letting their anger about a divorce dictate that you’re not allowed to move forward with your life, not allowed a new relationship or another child (though I would be very very cautious about moving a new man into their home).

Your son needs help with his anger and coming to terms with the new situation. He needs help understanding his feelings, leaving them unchallenged doesn’t help him in the long run. Something difficult has happened in his life, at the moment he’s learning that anger and resentment towards you is an appropriate response to that. No blame on him, he’s a child and divorce is hard, but he needs support to work things through in his mind and find a healthier perspective and acceptance to move forward.

Your ex needs to STOP blaming you and especially stop saying that to a child. I cannot stress enough how wrong it is to speak badly to a child about their parent. Your ex needs to make more effort with your daughter, although since they both seem fairly okay with the current low key relationship that can happen slowly.

You split with exh for a reason and it wasn’t a quick decision. Back and forth won’t help any of you. What will probably help you more is leaning into friendships and family relationships. You said you’ve been depressed and cut people off, try reaching out instead. Getting out the house, a couple of hours with a friend just getting a coffee or something can really make a difference. And friends will help you to recognise that you don’t need a man in order to have some community. When you’re very lonely it’s understandable that you cling to romantic relationships even if they’re not right.

Whether you continue with new man is a different question, and it surely leaves him in a tricky situation since it’s fair that he doesn’t want to move his daughter just now (although he could move between GCSEs and a levels, it’s not actually such a terrible thing to do, it’s understandable if he prefers not). From what you’ve shared, probably cautiously continuing, not too much pressure to move together and be a “normal” family, accepting it’s a little bit complicated is the best option.

I also think your children may surprise you with their reactions. It feels like you’re terminating to please everyone else when earlier posts you seemed happy about the baby. In 5 years what choice do you think you will be happiest with? Mum to a 4yr old as well as your twins or focused solely on the twins as they navigate teen years and get hopefully more independence.
Seperate this baby from your ex situation as there’s no going back there anyway. Let go of the guilt around the divorce.

I also think your children may surprise you with their reactions. It feels like you’re terminating to please everyone else when earlier posts you seemed happy about the baby. In 5 years what choice do you think you will be happiest with? Mum to a 4yr old as well as your twins or focused solely on the twins as they navigate teen years and get hopefully more independence.
Seperate this baby from your ex situation as there’s no going back there anyway. Let go of the guilt around the divorce.

The baby and the men are to some extent different issues. If the baby and your existing children are your priority that’s ok with me. I would be thinking of it as being a single parent though. Not a placeholder for a happy new life in 3 years with roses around the door. If that happens great. Bonus. But I wouldn’t be banking on it. You will have to work hard on your relationship with your son and expect some backlash. But I wouldn’t give up a wanted baby if it seemed likely to be my last chance.

OP, you've not done anything wrong.

You've been separated from your ex, been with a new man for a year. You've taken it slowly, not introduced him or moved him in.

It's your exH. He's the one laying on the guilt trips with your DS about how the break up is your fault and he wants to come home. He is the one feeding him hope rather than allowing him to move on. He is involving children in adult business and it's actually parental alienation trying to get him to blame you. Trying to use him to manipulate you to get what he wants. The fact your daughter is happier without him should tell you something.

First of all get yourself a shiny backbone and tell your exH that you are 100% done. You will never be getting back together, and his behaviour is hurting his child and needs to stop. You say you miss him because your DS is heartbroken, but have you considered how upset your daughter would be if you moved him back in? The confusion for both kids of the on again off again? Because if you abort this baby you will resent him because he's a large part of the reason you've done it. The fact you haven't aborted yet shows you don't want to.

Get your son into therapy/counselling ASAP.

Then you need to decide on this baby separately. Are to aborting because you feel like you should be punished because your ex has convinced you that you've done something wrong? That you've made a mess so you don't deserve something that makes you happy? New man is supportive, you could make this work if it is what you want, but won't be easy. If you want to abort then do, that's 100% your choice. But don't feel coerced into doing it.

Out of interest what makes you say this? It seems to me 10-12 is a pretty easy age?

I think this is very sensible and also think you should put your twins first - you say your son will struggle?

Also I know 41 isn't that old these days to have a baby BUT only having a ten year old while youre going through the menopause is ten years (or less!) could be hell.

I had my second in my late 30s which was fine. Fast forward 12 years, it's very very hard. So also bear that in mind.

Hey op

hope you are ok. I’m hearing a lot of self blame in your situation- blaming yourself for your marriage not working out and the separation. And it also seems like you feel guilty for being pregnant.

you have not done anything wrong. You split up and started a new relationship. Yes you are a mum first, but you don’t need to be a martyr either. You were and are entitled to see someone else.

I had an abortion because I didn’t want to let people down and it was the wrong reason for me personally to have one.

please think of yourself a bit too. Life on mumsnet can be really black and white for some people but is a lot messier in reality- so take what you read with caution.

just putting another side out there.

But did you want another baby? Would you have had one if it hadn't happened accidentally?

Well what do you want us to say then?

We can’t make your DS happy about all this.

I don’t think you can trick your ex h it’s his unless he’s pretty stupid.

I doubt he’ll want to be with you with someone else’s baby if he didn’t want a third of his own.

So it sounds like go it alone is the answer unless you want to hitch with new man (whom you seem not to actually prefer) .

This. I had to have a surgical termination and it was really not bad (minus the emotional side obviously). You have a sleep and then chill for a bit and go home. I was very well looked after and overall everything went well. Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat or ask anything.

Sending strength. You're in such a difficult spot but it won't be like this forever.

Surgical abortion isn't that bad - you're asleep - in some ways better than medical. Good luck with it and well done for making the decision.

Sometimes the hardest decisions to make are made for the right decisions.

Your existing children need the best of you.
Keep remembering that.
Sending you strength.

But will you be okay if you have the abortion? My main concern is that if you bottle everything up you may eventually have a breakdown. Sorry it may sound extreme but you are a human being and it seems like you’re stretching yourself for everyone else

Forget about everyone else snd what they want. What do you want? This is your life.

Please look after yourself as well. Sometimes mothers sacrifice so much to keep their children’s lives happy that we can neglect our mental and physical wellbeing.

There is only so much you can stretch. Is there anybody you can talk to in real life? A family member of friend that you trust. Sometimes talking to somebody can really help even it’s just emotional support.

OP I remember your post. It’s normal to be scared. Hopefully somebody who has been in your position can give you some advice that may help you so you don’t feel so scared.

How have you been coping these past few weeks? How are your children? I’m assuming you have not told them.