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Original poster

To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

487 replies

MaddieInAmess · 07/05/2025 17:00

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

OP posts:
FortyElephants · 07/05/2025 17:29

The father is your newer relationship?
It doesn't sound like you actually want to get back with H? Do you? How do you think it will be different?
You don't have to keep this pregnancy, but if you do, you must not let either of these men move in with you. Your kids will have a lot to adjust to without their dad/a new man sharing their home.

Snorlaxo · 07/05/2025 17:28

You need to sit down and remind yourself of why you broke up with ex. Forget the children and the new man etc- write down how you felt and what he did, said (or didn’t say or do) which led to your decision. Although you don’t say so explicitly, it sounds like you want to go back to him for ds and nostalgia’s sake and that’s no way for you to live.

I think that it would be a massive mistake to get back with ex because you feel sorry for ds. I think that you need to be brave and consider the possibility of ds living with ex and visiting you to see if that helps him settle better. Also you were right to apply the brakes when ex suggested moving back in that day, listen to your gut as it’s clearly trying to protect you for making the same mistake twice.

Remember that being with neither man is a legitimate option and after your long marriage, could be a positive way for you to rediscover yourself.

Bestfadeplans · 07/05/2025 17:26

I'm confused. Are you pregnant with the bf and wanting to get back with the ex, pregnant by the husband and wanting to get back with bf or pregnant and wanting to be single?

Do you want this baby? Decide that first. Don't decide which man you want and base your decision around that.

Delphiniumandlupins · 07/05/2025 17:26

Separate out all the issues. You shouldn't get back with your ex just to make him or your DS feel better. The new relationship may, or may not, work out. You do not have to continue with an unplanned pregnancy. One decision at a time.

MyUmberSeal · 07/05/2025 17:22

tryingtobesogood · 07/05/2025 17:05

You know, and I say this with absolute kindness and no judgement, you don’t have to go through with the pregnancy. You have options. Maybe take a breath and think about what is right for you. It’s ok to put yourself first.

Could not agree more. Continuing with the pregnancy does not need to be the default. Think of yourself. It will work out either way.

sesquipedalian · 07/05/2025 17:17

OP, I think you need to take time on your own and decide what YOU want to do. Don’t be pressured or guilted into doing anything before you’ve thought it through and are sure that it’s the right decision for YOU.

Comedycook · 07/05/2025 17:14

Honestly this is as complicated as you want to be. You don't have to continue with the pregnancy. You don't have to be with either of the men in your life at the moment either. Take some time to think about what you want.

FamBae · 07/05/2025 17:13

This 100%
I would also add think about the reasons you ended the relationship with DH, emotionally detached people rarely change. Could DS spend more time with his dad.
I think you need time alone to think about what you want.
Sorry forgot to add quote, this was in response to tryingtobesogoods post.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/05/2025 17:13

Once of the first symptoms of pregnancy can be being incredibly emotional. So you could have been driven by hormones in the first place to think you'd made a mistake, especially if he's been badgering on at you to take him back all this time. And you did end the marriage a year ago for very good reasons, whether he likes them or not.

It could be a good decision to remain single at present, whatever you decide regarding the pregnancy test.

LittleMissNumber · 07/05/2025 17:11

I think you need some time to yourself away from either man. Take some time to then think about if you would like to continue with the pregnancy or not.

As for your son, yes I'm sure he is upset his dad moved out but do not be emotionally manipulated into getting back with his dad just to make him happy.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/05/2025 17:08

So is it ex boyfriends or ex DHs?

tryingtobesogood · 07/05/2025 17:05

You know, and I say this with absolute kindness and no judgement, you don’t have to go through with the pregnancy. You have options. Maybe take a breath and think about what is right for you. It’s ok to put yourself first.