To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

OP I’ve read all your posts and was really surprised to read the ones at the end to say you’ve booked an assessment for a surgical abortion. I’m pro abortion but it sounds like you wanted a baby and that you love new partner - you’ve been swaying back to exH purely out of loneliness and guilt. New partner will support you. You need to ask for his support here. Don’t act from a place of shame and guilt.

In your shoes I would terminate the pregnancy asap.

@MaddieInAmess

Please don’t do anything that you instinctively feel is wrong, because you will regret it for the rest of your life 💐

I agree about therapy. Mumsnet can be overwhelming to have a barrage of different opinions. You should care about your children but don’t forget yourself too. You matter too.

Sorry, I missed you last update. You deserve happiness in this life.

I strongly encourage you to consider returning to therapy. Take time for yourself. If one type of therapy doesn’t get you any positive results (after trying earnestly) or if you feel uncomfortable with a therapy, I’d strongly urge you to try something else. Therapy isn’t “one size fits all”.

What? You started this thread saying you wanted to get back together with your husband… but you’re completely in love with the new man? And you’ve messed around with the pregnancy that you’re now going through a harder procedure instead of just dealing with it.

Are you in therapy? You need therapy.

You are NOT an awful person.

you and your ex-DH split. It doesn’t sound like you simply did this on a whim. It sounds like you did this to protect your wellbeing and in an attempt to lead a happy life. That was (and is!) your right!

Seeing an other man doesn’t make you a horrible person either.

what you need to do is decide for yourself how you want to proceed. Yes, you should consider your 2 DC. But you don’t owe it to them to destroy yourself. Be that by getting back with your ex or having an abortion (if you come to the conclusion that you want this pregnancy).

You say there’s no one in real life you can talk to, that you’ve pushed away friends due to depression. I would therefore strongly encourage you to seek counselling.

OP can you have some counselling to go over your choices?

Life doesn't always go in straight lines, and I hope you have support to work out what is right for you.

It’s not a blessing if you can’t manage and you have children with sen. It’s not a blessing if you can’t cope on your own. The care system is testament to the hundreds of thousands of children with parents that things didn’t magically ‘work out’ for.

Back in the real world, in reality, best case this would have been an extremely challenging decade or two for op and her dc. Best case.

OP, don’t be scared, you will be fine. As a PP said, I think a surgical termination is better physically overall as you are asleep and it’s all dealt with pretty quickly. I had a surgical one a long time ago but my friend took the pills and I feel she had a much worse time of it than me.

Emotionally, there’s no difference and there’s no way to avoid it, it’s going to be tough. You are going to have to try and stop beating yourself up and give yourself a lot of self care. Remember you are doing this for your young teenage children who need stability now more than ever.

If I were you I would break things off with the new guy and throw yourself into your work and your teenagers. Stay single for a long time while you get over all of this but have your exDH over a lot to help your DS and try to repair things between your DD and your ex a bit. I’m not in any way suggesting getting back with your ex, you split up for a reason, but having him around a bit more may help.

Good luck, for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing the right thing.

A baby is a blessing esp in your 40's and if it is a longed for pregnancy that your terminating, please look after yourself and seek emotional support. Does the father know? In my profession. I've rarely heard of anyone regretting going ahead with the pregnancy.Things always have a way of working out and you would find your way. Take care.

I think the termination has happened, and now op will need support. She has made her decision based on her children’s needs which is a sensible and pragmatic choice. I hope op is okay.

She’s already said very clearly that she wants to keep the baby.

Has no one read the update?😶

What a terribly difficult situation to be in, but practically speaking you are going to end up as a single mother in your 40s with no help at all, with twin teens that have special needs.

Your children have been through a lot, and haven’t managed the changes as well as you hoped, so prioritising stability for them seems like the right thing to do.

Op this isn’t your fault, accidents happen, and can happen to anyone. Try to approach this situation as you would if was your dd, with comfort, kindness and self compassion. Talk it through with a counsellor. Going forward I would go into therapy, in the longer term, to discover what you want from your future.

OP you had a pile on with people effectively telling you that you are just a baby machine and what you want in this does not matter a bit compared to their idea of how your children will react.

YOU matter. The potential new life in you matters.

Yes you need to consider the impact on your children but this is YOUR life and YOUR choice. You run the risk of harming your relationship with your existing children but you gain a relationship with another child. You can keep the child of the man you now say you love if you can manage that.

Children grow up and go their own way and your relationship with them will change whatever you do. If you want to keep the child dont be bullied by people on the internet.

I believe in the right to choose and that also means the right to choose to keep a wanted child.

I think you’re making the right decision, even if it won’t necessarily feel like it. Your rather rocky relationships with both children, in different ways would not be helped by finding out they have a baby sibling on the way. Stability is what kids need and that would be the total opposite.

im so sorry you’re in this mess op, but well done on putting their needs above yours. Handhold for Thursday. X

All children need stability and security and ND children probably need it the most of all.

As a retired psychotherapist who worked extensively with teens and young adults I know how damaging it can be for them when parents split up and later reunite. They experience the trauma of the split and then as they come to terms with the new reality things are suddenly back as they were - but they can never fully trust the situation. They will always be (consciously or unconsciously) wondering if and when they will split up again.

And you probably will split up again, the marriage broke down for a reason and all those reasons are probably still there.

IDK what you will or should do do with the pregnancy but I do know that you should not reunite with your ex because you feel guilty about him or your son's unhappiness. In the long term, re-entering an unhappy marriage won't be good for anyone.

And her own wellbeing!

It seems like the baby isn’t the real issue here - it’s a fundamental decision as to whether you want to move forward with your life, or turn back. If you were to proceed with the pregnancy then your old life is over and to date you’ve done everything to keep your options open (not disclosing new partner, crying on ex’s shoulder). You say you are doing everything for the children, but what do you actually want? You only get one life and in 10 years time when the children are out of the house and have their own lives, will you be happy living in an empty nest with your ex?

I’m so sorry, @MaddieInAmess
You’re going through the darkest hour right now. Everything will resolve. Sending strength x

I agree.

Your new man is talking about moving to your area but you haven't been with him that long, do you want to set up house with someone new so soon after ending your marriage?

You still have feelings for your ex, they need exploring.

Take it slowly. I doubt you want another child, frankly, and you don't hsve to have one.

OP, all you have done here is fall out of love with your ex husband. His behaviour in constantly telling your son he wants to come back is not ok, and is hurting your son. You’re allowed to move on. Your son would adapt, teens do. Hell my ex moved a woman and her 15yr old boy into a home his 15yr old daughter lived half the time and she had met them once. She still loves her dad, but doesn’t go round there (and it’s all gone tits up as I predicted). I fear you are going to regret the decision to abort, though I can see how difficult it will be. But nothing is insurmountable. Take care OP.

You need to prioritise the children you already have.