To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

Sorry OP, but I don’t see how you can keep both the baby and your DS.

In your position I would put my existing son first and end the pregnancy. I just can’t imagine how you can have this baby and keep your DS.

Sorry if that’s brutally honest.

@MaddieInAmess The above poster sums this up and you need to take some time to think this through carefully, which is difficult to do when your hormones will be all over the place.

Your EX DH is obviously not trying to make things easier for your son, by placing all the blame on you TO YOUR JOINT SON. He should be trying to get your son to come to terms with the split. He's pressuring you too, even although he knows you have both tried more than once to make it work and it hasn't. Another attempt won't be likely to work either. Do you really think that getting back with him would be a good option, especially as you are now expecting another Man's child? Even if he said he would accept the baby, my guess would be that he almost certainly would take it out on the new child as the said child grows. It's a big risk, in my opinion.

On the Other hand, your DD is clearly happier from what you say, that your exDH is no longer living in the home

Others have already pointed out what is likely to happen/the upset to the children you already have if you announce that you are pregnant, but it's not their Dad's Baby.

I can't advise you what to do, but I do think you need to think about what would be best for the 2 children you already have. They are the most important people in this whole messed up situation.

Yes I agree and in 2-3 years time the ops children are going to be doing their GCSEs with a toddler running round...one teen is noise sensitive and the other is struggling with the break up of their parents marriage. It's not great

You have missed the entire point. It isn't a mess because she isn't married. It's a mess because she has recently left her husband, her son hasen't recovered from the divorce yet, he daughter has ASD (unlikely to be OK with change) and she is now pregnant by a man that she has kept hidden from everyone for an entire year. Going through with this secret pregnancy could be disastrous for her relationship with her kids. It's a huge risk.

I feel for you, OP, but having a baby is going to be essentially lobbing a grenade into your life for your DC. You've got little financial security if you're renting, and the father can't commit to you for years. Your DC may well not want to live with a baby in the house and will want to go to their father full time who is living with his Mum due to finances too. It's all a bit of a shitshow in truth.

I think it's more the issue that she has teenagers and the father of the baby is a casual partner who hasn't even met her children.

These are completely unsuitable circumstances to bring a new baby into tbh. The fact that things sound fragile with your teenage children being the primary reason. I couldn't throw a hand grenade into their lives like this. It will bring drama and complexity where there should be stability and consistency. This is a non-starter in my opinion, I'd be compelled to prioritise my existing family.

Do you think your new fella wants another child?

Is your noise sensitive DD going to cope with a screaming baby in the house?

I suppose one or both of the twins could go and live with their dad as the maintenance you’d be paying him would help cover rent.

It does seem like by keeping this baby you’re throwing a hand grenade into several lives. I’m not sure your kids will forgive you easily for that.

I was a bit blindsided by my last pregnancy, had children awaiting an ASD diagnosis and had already mentally decided the relationship was over. But my children were much younger and limped along until baby was a toddler to get through those tough newborn days, if it was now I’d absolutely not consider continuing with a pregnancy. It’s taken a huge readjustment for the children being between two homes and the upheaval of splitting without adding a baby into the mix. I’d look at getting counselling for your son and honestly, I’d not even consider getting back with the ex. If he’s autistic then he will find it very difficult to change the behaviours that made you split initially and as he gets older I really suspect you’ll find living with him even more difficult. How long will you put every one else’s happiness before your own? You can’t be the wedge under the table to keep everyone else steady.

It sounds like you're set on having the baby op. Absolutely your body your choice. Truthfully though I think this will be incredibly difficult for your current DC...all you can do is try to mitigate this as much as you can

Congratulations on your pregnancy - there’s no reason why you should terminate it because you aren’t married. It’s 2025.

But this whole back and forth just adds to the unstableness your kids are feeling, and now you are thinking of once again get back together with their dad and throw in another man's baby in the mix. You really need to just be single for a while, let everything stabilise and make sure your kids are OK and happy.

This is only as messy as you make it, OP. And, gently, don't mess these 2 men around due to your own confusion.
Good luck with whatever decisions you make.
💚

Oh, right - so your ex is badgering you constantly because he hasn't met another woman/wants his house back and has got your DS onside to keep on at you when he's not doing it? Whilst your DD is enjoying the peace of not feeling constantly under attack from her father?

Me neither. Most parents try and protect their kids from messes such as these, OP seems to think there is a chance they can all live as a happy family even though it has all been hidden from the kids for a whole year. Two teenage kids are not going to take this news the same way two 4 year olds would. They will most likely feel deceived and repulsed by the whole thing.

Sorry @Summerflowers6 this is just not true that “if he loves you he will want you back with the baby”. You have absolutely no idea how this man who you don’t know (and who has suspected ASD) will respond to this news. OP I agree with everyone who says take some time to decide what you want.

I agree with @Sauvin. It is going to be very difficult for your son, your ex DH to accept the baby and the new man in your lives as father of the baby. I really hope you are able to get a clear idea what to do; it sounds very painful for you either way.

Absolutely this.

So far we have two men and a very early baby cell coming before them right now tho..so I don't hold out much hope unfortunately

It is a mess. Because you have two children already who are teens, one with ASD who have both been through a lot of change recently with their dad moving out. I think you need to put them first. Would a new baby with this man they have never met be putting them first?

Oh dear what a tricky situation.
If I was you I’d definitely terminate.
I wouldn’t be with either man.
Ex H is ex for a reason.
New man is only going to be long distance / part time for the next few years at least.

Blending sounds like it would be very difficult for your children.

Your kids don’t even know about the man , imagine telling them about a baby ??

What's your ideal here?

Dh moves in and takes on baby as his own?

New man can't live without being near his child and moves closer?

Single parent?

Given everything you've said regarding your children, will they cope?

Unfortunately it's one of those situations where someone will definitely get hurt, so all you can do is make your choice based on the best interests of your existing dc and you, the ex and the new man will just have to deal with it.

I think having the baby is unquestionably the harder path here but ultimately you are the one who lives with that. I personally am someone who could never have an abortion (though I'm completely pro choice for others) so I understand if it's something you can't go through with.

Some things to think about if you go ahead:
Your DH is likely to take it badly, I'd imagine any hope of reconciliation ends here.

Mumsnet is always doom and gloom about how older siblings will take a new baby, I've known it go both ways in real life, they may hate or love the idea of a new sibling (separate from whether or not they are happy about the relationship). You need to be prepared for all reactions.

You'll be parenting solo or will need a custody arrangement, you have some difficult conversations ahead of you with the baby's father.

To be honest, crazy though it sounds, I think if you go ahead with the pregnancy the best thing might be to end the relationship. That way you are introducing a baby to your children's lives but not the baggage and added complications of a new partner as well. It will be hard to keep the relationship going long distance for 3+ years anyway. So you can say to everyone that the baby was the product of a short fling and leave it there.

So, right, it’s complex. But you are thinking you want to have this baby. is that the dream scenario? Are you alone in this scenario or with your ex?

Are you really sure you want the ex AND the baby - how are your DC and ex likely to take the news? Has something substantive changed with the ex to make you reconsider hîm? Or is it mainly the loneliness?

Also, and this is something I hesitate to write, cos it sounds harsh to say to a pregnant woman, would it be worth holding off having any chats or making any decisions at all til you see if the pregnancy is definitely viable? (I know you do want a baby, sorry to write this). If you’re only just pregnant, you know, you could give it a bit of time? No point starting down the road of talking all this through with your ex and DC and the father if it doesn’t happen.

And these are rhetorical questions, by the way. I am sorry it’s gone this way. X

Would she copy with crying baby if she’s noise sensitive then?

If you continue the pregnancy, can you do this alone without the new man? There is nothing to say he will stick around now or in the future.

What will it do for your career? your relationship with your kids? Different kids with different dads. Assuming both dads stay on the scene and financially support their kids and want contact. Can you see juggling this future?

It will destroy the relationship with your Ex. What will it do to the relationship with your kids?

If you dont continuity the pregnancy you need to concentrate completely on you and what you want. Does either man give you what you need right now? Could they give you what you need in 2 or 3 years? A planned pregnancy in 12 months could always happen if that is something you both wanted.

Personally I would put my children first and not destroy the relationship with them for a unplanned pregnancy in your situation.