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Original poster

To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

487 replies

MaddieInAmess · 07/05/2025 17:00

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

OP posts:
reesespieces123 · 07/05/2025 19:45

MaddieInAmess · 07/05/2025 17:55

I don’t think I could end the pregnancy regardless of anything else

Im almost 41 - my chances of another pregnancy may be low

Show quote history

But is another child, with a new man, the right thing for your kids?

Italiangreyhound · 07/05/2025 19:44

I hope you find the right way ahead, I'd do what is right for you.

Original poster
MaddieInAmess · 07/05/2025 19:44

IkeaJesusChrist · 07/05/2025 19:39

This is only as complicated as you make it.

What do you mean?

OP posts:
tripleginandtonic · 07/05/2025 19:43

Given your age there's a high possibility this baby will have additional needs. And it will.all be on you. I'd seriously consider all possibilities.

MammaTo · 07/05/2025 19:43

I say this kindly, but I think you need to put your children’s well being before your own in this situation.

IkeaJesusChrist · 07/05/2025 19:39

This is only as complicated as you make it.

Original poster
MaddieInAmess · 07/05/2025 19:39

KeenDuck · 07/05/2025 19:38

And whilst I probably would’ve gone ahead.
With everything else that has happened in the last years whilst I could’ve done them with a baby in toe, I’m pretty glad that decision was taken out of my hands.

It would’ve been awful for everybody

Can I ask what you mean by this?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaddieInAmess · 07/05/2025 19:38

KeenDuck · 07/05/2025 19:37

I was exactly the same shoes as you when I was 42
And I miscarried fairly early on. I’m not wishing that on you but I just wouldn’t get too attached to quickly because I’d never had a miscarriage before. But age is against you.

Thank you and this is another reason I’m struggling to think clearly as like you say, age isn’t on my side so I don’t feel I can be positive enough about this to disclose to anyone at this stage

OP posts:
KeenDuck · 07/05/2025 19:38

And whilst I probably would’ve gone ahead.
With everything else that has happened in the last years whilst I could’ve done them with a baby in toe, I’m pretty glad that decision was taken out of my hands.

It would’ve been awful for everybody

KeenDuck · 07/05/2025 19:37

I was exactly the same shoes as you when I was 42
And I miscarried fairly early on. I’m not wishing that on you but I just wouldn’t get too attached to quickly because I’d never had a miscarriage before. But age is against you.

MakeItToTheMoon · 07/05/2025 19:37

@MaddieInAmesshow far along are you?

I feel for your situation as on one hand you are pregnant with a baby that you have always wanted. Unfortunately not in the circumstances you had ever imagined.

I guess you know your children best and how they would adjust to the new baby/ situation. Thats the main focus.

If you do decide to have the baby you will be raising the baby alone for at least 3 years, as well as juggling teenagers… but teenagers do grow up and become young adults and soon they will be out of the house living their own life.

Would you have any regrets then?

BluebellBuddha · 07/05/2025 19:36

Comedycook · 07/05/2025 19:28

No one is suggesting it's shameful. But telling two teens, one who has ASD and the other who is devastated about his parents break up, that actually their mother has a boyfriend they've never met and is having a baby is not going to be easy

Like I said, her body, her choice, but let's be realistic about how difficult this could be

Edited
Show quote history

Plenty of autistic kids have siblings. It’s not a rule that after having an autistic child people can’t have other children.

pompey38 · 07/05/2025 19:35

MaddieInAmess · 07/05/2025 17:55

I don’t think I could end the pregnancy regardless of anything else

Im almost 41 - my chances of another pregnancy may be low

Show quote history

Sorry but not sorry in the nicest way possible you’re an idiot, at 41 you should know better

Snoken · 07/05/2025 19:35

BluebellBuddha · 07/05/2025 19:33

OK, you’ve talked me out of it, make the OP go to a mother and baby home and scrub floors as a penance for having sex outside marriage. FFS

Show quote history

You make no sense.

NancyDrooo · 07/05/2025 19:35

I think your first step is to tell new man about the baby. He might not want another child or to continue the relationship, and you can then decide your next step.

Comedycook · 07/05/2025 19:34

BluebellBuddha · 07/05/2025 19:33

OK, you’ve talked me out of it, make the OP go to a mother and baby home and scrub floors as a penance for having sex outside marriage. FFS

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You are being ridiculous. I imagine vast majority of us commenting have had sex and maybe babies outside of marriage. No one cares about that.

BluebellBuddha · 07/05/2025 19:33

Snoken · 07/05/2025 19:31

Shame isn't what people are talking about. It's about the well-being of the children she already has, it's about putting them first after a tumultuous few years that they are still recovering from. To just go, it's 2025, I do what I want, the kids can just deal with it is incredibly callous.

Show quote history

OK, you’ve talked me out of it, make the OP go to a mother and baby home and scrub floors as a penance for having sex outside marriage. FFS

StMarie4me · 07/05/2025 19:32

MaddieInAmess · 07/05/2025 19:14

This is harsh

I understand but me and ExH had been struggling for a good few years before the final split - in fact we cohabited for 2 whole years because he didn’t want to leave the children and I didn’t want to put anyone in that position

We then got back together and sadly a year or so later it still wasn’t working

So the split wasn’t a massive shock - sadly DS has taken it very very badly as he idealises ExH and ExH has made it abundantly clear that this isn’t his choice; it’s mine and I could fix it if I wanted to by letting him come home

This pregnancy is unplanned yes but as I said earlier; I wanted a baby for years and ExH said no so it isn’t like I’ve suddenly got broody and at 40 and on the pill I’m pretty surprised myself

Show quote history

Harsh but true.
There are 5 already here people in this mess.
I think you need to think about what your DS and DD have already been through.
You have said yourself that you were missing EXH.
EXB already has 3 other kids. He may not want to start again.
I think that if you were on the Pill, it means you were NOT in a position to have a baby.
Your twins will resent this baby by a man they don’t even know exists! You have lied to them about your romance, and they will not trust you.

As I said; harsh but true.

FWIw I think you should not have the baby, and either go it alone for a while or continue to see if you can work things out with your EXH.

But honestly? I think you only want to hear people telling you to have the. Any and walk into an imaginary sunset with New Man.

BreadInCaptivity · 07/05/2025 19:32

MalteserGeezee · 07/05/2025 19:24

These are completely unsuitable circumstances to bring a new baby into tbh. The fact that things sound fragile with your teenage children being the primary reason. I couldn't throw a hand grenade into their lives like this. It will bring drama and complexity where there should be stability and consistency. This is a non-starter in my opinion, I'd be compelled to prioritise my existing family.

I agree.

Snoken · 07/05/2025 19:32

MaddieInAmess · 07/05/2025 19:31

I want to not make this messy but I don’t know how not to 😢

Show quote history

You terminate the pregnancy, end your relationships with both men, remain single for a while and focus on your kids. It's healthy to be able to cope with being lonely sometimes. Your kids really needs to come first here.

Snoken · 07/05/2025 19:31

BluebellBuddha · 07/05/2025 19:27

It doesn’t matter who the father is, the OP doesn’t want to terminate the pregnancy. As I said it’s 2025, she’s 41, there’s no shame involved.

Show quote history

Shame isn't what people are talking about. It's about the well-being of the children she already has, it's about putting them first after a tumultuous few years that they are still recovering from. To just go, it's 2025, I do what I want, the kids can just deal with it is incredibly callous.

Original poster
MaddieInAmess · 07/05/2025 19:31

SilviaSnuffleBum · 07/05/2025 19:19

This is only as messy as you make it, OP. And, gently, don't mess these 2 men around due to your own confusion.
Good luck with whatever decisions you make.
💚

I want to not make this messy but I don’t know how not to 😢

OP posts:
NancyDrooo · 07/05/2025 19:29

BluebellBuddha · 07/05/2025 19:27

It doesn’t matter who the father is, the OP doesn’t want to terminate the pregnancy. As I said it’s 2025, she’s 41, there’s no shame involved.

Show quote history

It’s not about shame, it’s about not fucking up her existing kids lives.

Comedycook · 07/05/2025 19:28

BluebellBuddha · 07/05/2025 19:27

It doesn’t matter who the father is, the OP doesn’t want to terminate the pregnancy. As I said it’s 2025, she’s 41, there’s no shame involved.

Show quote history

No one is suggesting it's shameful. But telling two teens, one who has ASD and the other who is devastated about his parents break up, that actually their mother has a boyfriend they've never met and is having a baby is not going to be easy

Like I said, her body, her choice, but let's be realistic about how difficult this could be

BluebellBuddha · 07/05/2025 19:27

Comedycook · 07/05/2025 19:24

I think it's more the issue that she has teenagers and the father of the baby is a casual partner who hasn't even met her children.

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter who the father is, the OP doesn’t want to terminate the pregnancy. As I said it’s 2025, she’s 41, there’s no shame involved.

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