To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

No matter how hard it is for your dc, children do not get to decide if mum or dad have more children!

Can you imagine the OP's ex husband or 'ex'-boyfriend asking the children's permission before having another child!

I think you need to decide if you will go ahead with pregnancy, and if so, inform everyone separately. Hopefully, the children will handle it if you make sure you present it in the right way to them.

I had a friend who had several kids and was pregnant again, she worried how the existing children would cope, and as far as I know they did.

Oh come off it.

I’m pro choice also. But believe she should absolutely prioritise her living, breathing teenage children and their real-life circumstances rather than an unborn baby blissfully unaware of the chaos.

Huh? Are you saying she should think of her kids as cells rather than teenagers with feelings and personalities? A tiny cell of a few weeks don’t have feelings, 13 year olds do. They matter more.

The number of posters (albeit the minority) who think the existing children basically don’t matter is so upsetting.

The existing children will have to be told their mum has a new partner, a new baby is coming, AND deal with the fallout of the failed relationship with the father who also doesn’t have a stable home for them.

Kids are born into less than ideal situations all the time, the best is made, sometimes it works out fine.

But sometimes it’s a shit show and it’s disingenuous to pretend it’ll be bread and circuses for all parties just because OP wants a third baby.

@MaddieInAmess be cognisant of the pitfalls. Seriously. You will need to introduce a new partner, his children and a new baby to your children with only a few months to cope.

Plus this is before your boyfriend even knows. If he’s supportive it might be ok. If he’s not then that adds a further issue.

Regardless of the current situation having a baby with someone you’ve known less than a year is also bonkers.

But they're not tiny cells any more are they? They're fully formed humans and they do matter in this scenario.

This.

If you have this baby you could possibly lose both men and your DS, it will also have a huge impact on your DD. It’s likely you will be raising the child alone. The impact on everyone will be huge.

I know you don’t want to get rid of the baby as it’s possibly your last chance but you already have 2 dc to consider? I know what I would do.

I do understand people saying to prioritise your existing children but those children were once tiny cells. And I say that as a pro choice Catholic.

This is awful advice.

As for the men, its really not that complicated.

Of course it’s complicated. The OP has been casually dating this new man, who she very recently cut off. But then regretted that decision and has got back in touch with him.

This man lives a 3 hour round trip and already has 3 children, 1 of whom he has full time. This man hasn’t met the OP’s kids. One of which is dealing with the grief of his parents divorce and the other one is SEN!

She has also admitted to being confused and conflicted over the decision to split from ex-H.

The best thing for OP to do would to become single and stay single for a while. Baby or no baby.

However, a baby would cause a lot of change to her children’s lives. She has admitted if she wants a relationship with the new man they wouldn’t be living together until 3ish years down the line.

A new baby for the new man would mean him or the OP doing 3 hour round trips to see baby that’s IF he wants to be involved. Never mind the change it will also cause to his 3 children’s lives.

Its perfectly fine to have a relationship with a man your kids don't know

Yes, for maybe the first year or so. But her kids have the right to know who this man is eventually. Especially if he’s going to be the father of their new sibling. She can’t keep him private forever. 9 months goes by very, VERY quickly.

I think I agree with this too @MaddieInAmess

As hard as it is I think teenagers really need more support and presence especially if they’re ND even slightly. If they’re not coping with your split and you have a chance to reconcile it could be a much brighter easier future option for all.
Lone parenting/ full single motherhood - assuming you get some financial support - will be hard with teenagers and a baby.
good luck with your decsion making x

IMO I think this is a bit of a mess to bring a baby into. You’re clearly unstable in the nicest possible way. You feel sorry for your ex but it obviously wasn’t working, have twins one of whom is upset by the split and the other who is ND I think you said. The new man lives far away and also has kids. I think you need to work on yourself before bringing anyone else into this!

You've spent a lot of time saying what you want. You want this baby, you've wanted it for a long time, but not really much about what's best for your existing children when their world's are already turned upside down.

The new man isn't in a position to be a dad. His child is almost a grown up but in this climate it isn't really realistic to just expect kids to leave the nest at 18-19. You've already pointed out your XH is on a minimum wage job and having to live with his parent and I presume he has an abundance of experience with work that means he could land a better job. A child does not. He needs to focus on his daughter.

Your XH also cannot give you what you need. Your daughter has expressed that she feels more emotionally secure with his absence. Your son isn't emotionally mature enough to understand the complexities of adult relationships.

And then there's this pregnancy. You've already got 2 existing children who have displayed that they're desperate for some stability. Should a baby materialise it isn't going to suddenly bring in stability, it's going to create a situation with a half sibling and a step sibling and potentially a lot of travel and less attention for them which they will need now they're in their teenage years, won't be long until they're sitting their GCSEs which will be one of the most stressful times they will experience in their young lives and you will be stretched thin.

Neither man sounds like a match, even nix the baby. You've got an emotionally absent XH, and a physically and financially absent new man. It's out of the frying pan and into the fire.

I would strongly recommend some immediate counselling so you can make informed choices based on logic and not emotion.

I was pregnant at 22 and 39 - both pregnancies were straightforward. Not everyone has the same experience.

I really don’t like to say this but you’ve asked for opinions….. your life and that of your children, your ex, your current boyfriend who has complicated issues of his own and added to all this you’re pregnant - phew it all sounds in your words a mess.
You want another baby but what about all the other people who will be in the baby’s life?
Try to think about it all objectively and not emotionally. it must be very difficult for you and I wish you all the best.

I would keep the baby. Tell the father that you want to keep seeing him but you may never want a family unit with him and let him decide what he wants to do.

Say nothing to the kids until you are far enough on that you have to tell them and then they will be a bit older and hopefully the boy won't take it as badly as you expect.

I get that you have to take his emotions into consideration but not to the point you abort a wanted baby.

I would consign ex DH to my past as far as possible and tell him you have done so.

After that, see how you get on. It will probably be OK so long as you are not dramatic about it (and you don't sound the type).

The baby she is carrying IS one of her children.

Oh OP, what a mess. But you really don't have any choice - you have to put your children first, your living children, and it would be utter madness to bring a baby into their lives now and in these circumstances. And bringing a new child into this?

Yes it will be painful for you, but better that, than putting your children through this

(and fwiw, I did go through something very similar and did terminate the pregnancy and have no regrets at all. I know I put my children first and made the right choice for them).

I can’t see if anyone has said this, but I actually find your ex quite manipulative here - he’s letting your son know that you’re that bad guy to the extent you’re considering getting back together.

Nowhere that I can see have you said you want to get back together because you love him, but because you’re lonely and your son is still distraught (egged on by his dad from the sounds of it). You were cohabiting then got back together then split up - if your son is upset now, he’ll be completely inconsolable if you then split up again, let alone if you also bring another man’s child into the equation.

The reality is if you keep this baby it will be one of 6 siblings, that's a huge blended family. You haven't even lived with the new man and had already ended things.

If you do continue with the pregnancy please don't send your son to live with his dad, think about the message that would send.

Even for the sake of her children?

No one should have a termination they don’t want to but romanticising this situation is supremely unhelpful.

Agreed. You may 'want a baby', but does your son who is grieving the loss of having his 'great dad' at home with him? Or his noise sensitive autistic sister? I can well imagine she will love the appearance of a noisy newborn born from a relationship she didn't even know you were having.

The long distance relationship with the other man is very new, you have no idea whether he is someone you should be tying to you and your children for life.

Do not do anything for the sake of anyone else.
Neither you or anyone else can see into the future. Base your decision on what feels right for you now. Be fearless, stuff works out especially when it's what you actually want.

As someone who was pregnant in my early 20s and then late 30s I can say the gruelling nature of an older pregnancy is really not to be underestimated.

I was pregnant at 34 & 39 and even those 5 years the difference was absolutely hideous. I was shocked.

You’re romanticising the whole scenario.

You split with EX last spring, but have been with the new guy a year. So you jumped straight from a failed marriage into a secret relationship. You’ve never lived with this man or spent massive amounts of time with him. So really you don’t properly know him at all.

Then you want to bring a new baby into the mix, and basically never give the baby or the Dad a chance to know each other. The new guy can’t live with you for 3 years at least. If he does move in in 3 years what about his other two younger children? Will he just not see them? Do you have room for them to stay over? Do you have room for a new baby? I guess everyone has their own bedroom but will you now expect a teenager to share with a toddler?

I think you already know your DS will never forgive you.

What about how hard it will be to have a baby again, a baby in your 20’s is vastly different to your 40’s. can you afford the drop to maternity pay? I’m guessing new guy won’t be able to contribute much as he’ll have his own house and 3 other kids to support.

A new baby at 41 with a grieving son and a daughter with asd is going to be very very rough. On top of that the situation with ex-h and new bloke - neither of whom are realistically going to be able to support you through physical, emotional and medical side of pregnancy, postpartum or early years child rearing. Realistically it is not a great idea to have a baby in this circumstance regardless of whether or not you wanted a third child in your previous marriage. As someone who was pregnant in my early 20s and then late 30s I can say the gruelling nature of an older pregnancy is really not to be underestimated.

Congrats OP on the baby that you wanted to have regardless of if it was planned or not, don't let anyone take the happiness away from you.

As for the men, its really not that complicated. You are in a relationship with the father, your ex is your ex that you tried for a long time with and its never worked (madness is repeating the same thing and expecting a different result).

And I mean this with all due respect but being scared of your teenage DS (or anyone for that matters) opinions on your body, fertility, what you do with your body or your relationships is mad as his opinions DOES NOT MATTER. Any woman that panders to their child (especially a impressionable teen boys) opinions on a woman's body/sexuality and them being mad/upset about their adult private choices does a disservice to woman kind. Your kids are not involved with this man, they are not in any danger or involved at all so its not really anything to do with them.

Its perfectly fine to have a relationship with a man your kids don't know (its your private relationship), its perfectly fine to have this baby you always wanted (its your body/fertility), its perfectly fine not to live with the father of your baby (my step dad did not move in until my sibling was 3 and me and DH lived separate when my oldest was young)... you got this.