To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

Yeah this whole thing is clearly his fault! Leave him!......oh wait , she did already.

Congratulations OP on the pregnancy 💗
I know that the circumstances are not ideal but they could be a lot worse.
Try and think of the positives… you’ve had twins for a start! I’m sure you will be an incredible mother also to this one.
I have a brother 15 years older than me and he’s like my best friend, wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m sure your son will love his baby brother/sister and your baby will be blessed to have 2 older siblings looking out for him/her.
People will say “only go through with it if you’re prepared to be a single mum” which I think is strange because any of one of us could become single mums. Partner could die, end up leaving… there’s always a risk. So at least this way you know what you’re walking into re raising baby mostly alone for first 3 years.
good luck xx

OP do not terminate unless that is what you want. It is not the decision of your ex or the baby's father or your two children. It is your decision.

Good luck. People do get through things. If you do keep baby what is your plan re work, finances, home etc, focus on what you can control.

Fetchthevet

I m so sorry for your experience.

I appreciate you want to keep this pregnancy but I can't see any way a baby wouldn't be like a bomb going off in everyone's life - your children's, his children's, your ex husbands. I think you should talk to someone in real life about this. I wish you all the best.

Firstly, whilst this sounds like a mess, I promise you’ll get through it.

1. what support is your DS getting? He’s gone through a trauma, and you need to move on with your life. Going backwards to settle everyone else’s wants isn’t going to work. What steps are you taking to help your DS move on and feel happier in the situation?

2. you aren’t in the position to have another baby. I’m sorry, but you aren’t. You may have always wanted a third but that’s life, it doesn’t always work out how we want it. You have a teen who is really struggling - this should be where your focus is. Sometimes we just need to accept that we don’t always get what we want. That’s my view anyway. As soon as you tell boyfriend and ex husband that you’re pregnant, everything’s going to blow up, become very messy and your existing children stand to lose majorly.

Personally I would:

1. arrange a termination
2. arrange counselling for your son
3. talk to your ex, explain that you were low and lonely but that it didn’t work and won’t work. You’ve decided to move on (do you need counselling to help with this?)
4. ask ex not to continue blaming you to son, it’s not helping anyone. He needs to accept that you had every right to end the relationship as you weren’t happy.
5. end boyfriend. It’s a non-starter due to your circumstances and sounds like a rebound relationship to be honest.
6. take time to be single and focus on your son. He needs you.

DodgersJammyAndOtherwise

"I would keep the baby. Tell the father that you want to keep seeing him but you may never want a family unit with him and let him decide what he wants to do."

Wise words. You may be in a good place with him or not. But if you keep the baby, he will be in your life. He should also help to support his baby.

This ❤️

I dont think reconciling with your ex husband will work

Can DS spend more time with him? Perhaps live with him one week on one week off? Don't put your daughter through living with her father again

I don't think boyfriend will work either. Its just not giving me good vibes

If DS won't cope with boyfriend moving in, he's never going to cope with baby

I think you need to abort baby. Said with love ❤️

if you keep the baby you will have to have the father in your life anyway so you'll have to tell the dc- he still has a right to see his child and that will probably be at yours for quite a while

The only way it won’t be messy is if you terminate the pregnancy. That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be absolutely hellish for you of course.

Apart from the “ messy “ situation with your XH and the new man, it’s hard to see it not being beyond difficult for your DC given all you have said.

Whatever you decide you need to be absolutely honest in facing the potential consequences for you all.

OP, have you posted variations of this before?

Your daughter clashed terribly with her father and your son has been goving you a very hard time because his father is emotionally abusing him by blaming you?

Is this you?
If so your husband is not a good man.

You are very raw and vulnerable.
Going back to you ex is not in your daughters best interests or yours.

I think having another baby would be very very difficult.
Please reflect on just how hard it would be to start again with a baby.
It is not easy having teens in your late 50's, I know and I have a supportive husband.
However hard you imagine it, double it, and thats with a healthy child, thankfully.
Its exhausting.

I think you must think first of your existing children and yourself.
Wishing you well.

I would reconsider this pregnancy too.

Your kids are already unsettled. With all you have written, you are not settled enough yourself to bring a new baby into the mix. It isn't fair to your kids or to a baby.

You are renting. Financially how will you cope with a third child?

Not yet it's not!

You need to go and talk this over with a counsellor as soon as you possibly can

But you also have to put your existing children first.

I agree, even if she doesn’t get back with DH I don’t think she should be bringing a baby into the current situation with her kids still unsettled from the breakup and the other guy living 3 hours away and has his own kids etc.

I’ve already commented @MaddieInAmess and then now I have read all your posts properly - am really sorry for what you’re going through and the decisions you have to make.
Reading your posts in more detail, it doesn’t sound like either of the guys are great for you and it does sound like you’ve really tried with your ex.
This means you could end up in a rented accommodation as a single mum with 3 children and with very little maintenance coming in. This means you will have to work, and work quite hard for a long time.
Finally, given your baby could be going to uni as you turn 60, you will still need to be working until then.
A young child all through your 40s will make it more difficult to meet anyone else to settle down with.
This is what I went through and it’s tough x

I’m going to sound harsh here, but I mean this with kindness. You have fucked up royally here and have made some very silly and selfish decisions. Do not do anything else until you’ve got your head straight because the more you’re doing, the deeper of a mess you’re getting into.

I understand but me and ExH had been struggling for a good few years before the final split - in fact we cohabited for 2 whole years because he didn’t want to leave the children and I didn’t want to put anyone in that position
We then got back together and sadly a year or so later it still wasn’t working So, realistically, unless either you or ExH have had a dramatic shift in personality/outlook/behaviours, it’s not going to work out if you give it a third try. It was really bloody unfair of you to tell your exH that you thought you’d made a mistake until you were certain it was him you wanted and that you weren’t just missing another adult being there. He now thinks all will be ok and he’ll be back at home in the next few weeks, all the time you know you’re not certain of how you feel. You can’t mess about with people’s feelings like that. It’s cruel. If you know someone wants to be with you, you don’t tell them you want that too unless you are absolutely certain

I’m not going to advise you on whether or not you should keep the pregnancy because it’s you who’ll have to live with the consequences. But I think you should think very, very carefully about how your DS will react to this child and whether he’ll want to live with his dad if you go ahead with the pregnancy. You might think that you’ll be keeping the new man and your DC completely separate, but will he not want to see his child? Will you be able to keep him away outside of the times your DC will be with their father? What if he goes for 50/50 custody? But on the other hand, you hardly know him and it’s a really short time to have a child in. What if he does freak out and tell you you’re on your own? Can you raise 3 children alone? Are you prepared for the possibility of that?

You’ve got some serious thinking to do. Do NOT make any decisions or tell anyone anything until you know what you want. And when you’re making your choices, you need to take into account the effect on the children, potentially all three of them, as well as being fair to both exH and the new man. That doesn’t mean doing exactly what they want. It means being honest with them and not messing them about. Most importantly, you need to remember that you don’t have to be with either of them and that there is an option of being by yourself for a while.

I can’t see any positive outcomes in having this baby

I would think very carefully. Also, I’d take into consideration if you do continue with the pregnancy, you’ll most likely be doing it alone.

The thing that stands out to me is that the new man is happy to move 3 hours away from the two younger children for a woman he’s been casually dating. That screams red flags to me and I wouldn’t expect him to be reliable.

You also need to consider you will be almost 60 by the time the child turns 18. If you really do want the baby and have the support then continue with the pregnancy. If you’ve just found out I presume you have a while to decide.

I’d also nip it in the bud with ds. He can be upset about you moving on but he can’t emotionally blackmail you.

Maybe OP knows that if she has an abortion it will destroy her mentally, and in that way she is putting her existing children first. I had a termination for medical reasons and I almost ended up in the psychiatric ward. That was not a great time for my DD, believe me. I am still on antidepressants now and it was 10 years ago.

This is going to sound harsh but I think you should seriously consider ending the pregnancy. It will be your second family and your new man’s 3rd family. The new baby will be expensive and tiring just at the point when your teens need you most. Support the family you have and prioritise them.

It is your body and your choice but you would do well to think of your children OP and stop flip flopping between two men constantly. Your children really need you now and to be very frank you are throwing a lot of things into the mix and quite frankly don’t seem to be putting their interests first.

Absolutely this....the needs of your two children already struggling to adapt should come above all else in this situation.

I think people need to lay off the abortion "advice"
I'm 100% pro choice. But once someone's said they want their baby, let it be. Its as bad as telling someone to keep a baby they don't want.