To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

It's absolutely ok to tell people that they should take time to properly think through big important life changing decisions. And yes, that's whether it's wanting to have a child in less than ideal circumstances, or choosing to have an abortion. None of us know OP and are doing more than state our opinion. Even if 100% of us suggested one course of action she is not obliged to take it.

OP chose to post on MN, in AIBU, which is known for people giving straight, no holds barred responses. If she didn't want people to offer up opinions and be blunt, then there were many other forums she could have chosen, or she could have spoken to a friend. (Although I would also tell a real life friend they should think through any decision very carefully).

OP has stated she wants to continue her pregnancy. If you want to express your disagreement to her, then by the same logic you would agree it's okay for people to tell a woman wanting to abort a pregnancy that she shouldn't.
It goes both ways. Let's just respect the choice OP has made regarding her body and baby. Isn't that what pro-choice is all about? Otherwise it's just 'pro whatever I think you should do even though I'm not in your shoes and wouldn't have to live with the consequences either way.'

Hi, I was in an almost identical situation to you! I really feel your pain! I was in a long term relationship with my ex, had 2 children together.oldest was just turning 18 when we split and is on autistic spectrum.
Ex showed every sign for Autism but never tried to get a diagnosis, he was also emotionally unavailable. We eventually split, I hadn't been happy for years, I knew it would impact the children so I stayed unhappy for such a long time thinking it was in children's best interest but i was so unhappy.
He moved with his mum too after the split and is still there.
After we split I met someone else, and got a surprise pregnancy a few months before turning 40. I'd always wanted another baby so bad but I knew my oldest would leave for sure if I went through with it. It was mentally exhausting going back and forth overthinking every outcome , I knew I wanted the baby but I really didn't want to lose my oldest child either.
I couldn't mentally go through an abortion and I knew I wanted the baby badly, so I had the conversation with my oldest. They took it badly and they did move out, but we still have a relationship, and at 18, I guess a lot of children will move away anyway, doesn't make it any easier I know, they've even met the baby 1 year on.
I'm trying desperately to give the little one a sibling but I count myself lucky I was able to have 1 at my age and am trying to accept it probably won't happen again.
I could have had an abortion, got back with my ex and avoided all the agony, but I'd be living an even more miserable life than before, in an unhappy relationship, knowing I'd killed my baby and probably the chance to have another. I know i made the right choice now.
Sorry for huge post, I don't know if I helped in any way but just know it gets easier and having a beautiful toddler definitely makes it all worthwhile!

Jesus, what a mess indeed... a mess of your own making BTW. What I say will be seen as bad/controversial, but have you considered sleeping with your ex, lying to him it's his, and gluing your family back together? You've already destroyed lives of 4 people, this is I think the only way of "fixing" it.
Also, I didn't get why you left your DH after so many years... it looks like it was a premature decision hence you're regretting it, and the "grass is always greener".

I think both you and your boyfriend should consider the stability and emotional wellbeing of your already existing children and prioritise them rather than bringing an unplanned baby into a situation that is so complicated and unstable.

Your DC have been through their parents separation. Your DS has clearly been deeply affected by this.

Do you really, hand on heart, think for one second think that it's going to be a positive thing for your boy to be told he's getting a new half sibling whose dad he hasn't even met?

Prioritise your existing kids, not your love life.

Why?

I totally appreciate this is OP's decision, but she needs to make it rationally, and not using emotion.

Based on what the OP has said
pros to having a baby - she wants one
cons to having a baby- negative impacts on her existing children; unclear how she will cope practically and emotionally with being a single mother (which will be the reality)

That's leaving the two men out of the equation because as OP says they only make it even more "messy".

I don't think the OP's desire to have a child outweighs the practical considerations. If she is happy that there will be no significant impact on her existing children and that she is able to look after a baby alongside her two teens, then absolutely she could go forward with the pregnancy.

I agree with this fwiw. I don't think OP is ignoring her kids (though other posters are worryingly breezy about them..) However I do worry that she is not parenting them responsibly.

Then he’d attend a scan and realise she’s a liar. Great plan.

FFS 🙄

Her ex-H is emotionally manipulating their young son!

What a catastrophically STUPID and immature piece of “advice”.

Shameful.

I am going to type this then swiftly change my username. @MaddieInAmess if you really want to reunite with your ex and there are no glaringly obvious physical differences, could you engineer sleeping with your ex and passing the baby off as his?

I know it’s not great but with poor sperm motility there was a chance you’d need a donor anyway and you said your ex had agreed to a new baby? I would only suggest this if you really would like to get you back together.

Going to duck now.

No it’s not.

It’s practical, reasonable, mature and puts the well-being of her twins first. Who should come first in all this.

It’s dreadful the amount of people totally disregarding two 13 year olds. One highly struggling with the divorce of his parents and the other one who has SEN and noise sensitivities.

Their needs and support for them should come first, not the OP’s love/sex life and her desires for another child.

He's living a half life with his mother rather than making his own way in the world. I would struggle to have respect for him as he has just moved back home.

What an absolutely horrible attitude. The man no longer has his wife, his children or his home and you’re criticising him for moving back in with his parents? Not everyone can afford a new place when they split up. Maybe he should have set up a tent somewhere. Jeez.

I would take both men out of the equation and think about a life with you and your twins. How would that look with a new baby? What do you want to do for you ? Then when you have made that decision the rest will follow.
I think ex dh is an ex for a reason but that also doesnt mean that the new partner is right too.

I am pro choice. I think the choice in this case should be obvious. You prioritise your children. A pregnancy is a potential; your children need you.

You desperately need less chaos, not more. Focus on your kids and stop focusing on hypotheticals of multiple men and potential extra children.

OP, how are you so chill about having another baby ? Are you very wealthy ? How do you plan to manage childcare ? Do you work? If you don’t, who pays for your keep?

@MaddieInAmess how will your children adjust to a baby?

Im alao concerned that you seem to let your kids have some power over your decisions. You need to protect your son, but that doesn't mean letting his useless dad back into the family home, it means getting said dad to understand how cruel he is being to ds with the sad face shit.

Similarly just because dd thinks it would be nice to have a baby sibling should have absolutely ZERO influence on your decision..She has less than any cllue about what that would entail in reality.. Hopefully you are less naive, but you seem oddly passive and hand-wringy.

Yes I know I am being harsh, but your attitude disturbs me to be honest.

I’d take both men out of the equation just now. You seem like you want to keep the pregnancy so focus on staying healthy etc and see what your scans say. Make the other decisions further down the road.

Agree with this..Is ex telling ds that you are "keeping him away"? Honestly that is nasty and irresponsible of him, and very manipulative. You know you were unhappy with him for ages. He needs to step up and stop fucking with your son's head. (Pretty sure you've posted about him before, and I thought the same then).

As for the baby - well I know far too little about you or your kids to know how this would pan out for any of you if you went ahead.

That's a pickle op! I feel for you because that sounds really difficult and all very emotive.

I think op it sounds like you'd got to the point where you were flogging a dead horse with your ExH. You've probably done as much as you can and quite frankly the issues with your ds and how much he's struggling are your ExHs making - he is putting blame on you and making it ok for ds to blame you. In fact I'd almost go as far as to suggest he's using ds to emotionally manipulate you into taking him back. Irregardless of how much ExH is struggling with the breakup his kids should come first and that means sucking it up in front of DS and coparenting properly and backing you up as the Co parent. I would not be considering reconnecting with someone who is essentially sabotaging your relationship with your child. I would absolutely be calling him out on it to try and stop him from putting ds in the middle of an adult situation. No wonder he's not coping. The fact he also can't parent his children equally isn't going to change if you take him back now. I think you need to let that ship sail and focus on moving forward and I'd tell him this in the most crystal clear terms. He'll react badly most likely because of the recent conversation you've had but it sounds like he's pressuring you a lot and you've had a moment of vulnerability.

In terms of the new man, if you are definitely going to keep this baby, which is entirely your choice and you owe no explanation to anyone, I think I would tell him purely to get a gauge on what he is prepared to do. I wouldn't worry about leaving a 19 yo in a city alone - most 18 yos move to new cities alone for uni anyway. I think you need to get a handle on what support is available to you practically and then look at your position financially as well. It sounds like both you and the new man are trying to do right by the children you already have and there's a conversation to be had about where this baby fits into that. Your ds will likely react badly especially if his dad does which is also likely but that's going to be a marathon rather than a sprint with him anyway so you don't need to have answers for that yet, it's going to be difficult regardless because of your Co parent.

Ultimately op you need to do what's right for you here. You don't need to rush into anything. You are allowed to take some time to think. Some counselling would be a very good idea and I'd take some space from your ex and give yourself the chance to think about what you want and need here. You owe that to yourself.

It’s not a perfect situation and there will be some upset people and some happy people and some confused people as a result. It’s like that in many situations. I like to think about a story I heard in a film about a boy and his old father travelling with a donkey, and whatever they did, there would be unhappy people (if they both rode the donkey, people would say - poor donkey, you both are too heavy!; if the man rode the donkey and the boy walked - people would say, oh he’s a young boy, how can you, let him ride the donkey - and so on). However shitty it is to realise, we do leave some upset people in our wake. There is a popular phrase now - let them (be unhappy).

Also please please please try to speak to a therapist (I’d say psychodynamic/psychoanalytic if you can - it’s largely the same) about your feelings of guilt. They are eating you up.

If it were me, I would terminate the pregnancy. Keeping it would cause your entire family drama, mess and pain and your DH will be utterly devastated. Nobody needs to know other than a supportive friend/sister if you have one. Put your existing kids first, they matter far more than this new pregnancy.

This is a dreadful thing to say.

It’s no wonder your ex wants to move back, it is his only way to get back into a home for himself. But that’s not a reason for you to get back together, because you split up for a reason. He is not going to change, he is still going to be emotionally unavailable and nog be nice to DD (which I think is a very good safeguarding reason to NOT get back together - it’s your choice to have a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, but your DD is relying on you to feel safe in her own house).

Re the new man- there is no reason for him to move in with you when he is able to move nearer by. You need to put your kids first, they need to feel safe in their own house till they decide to move out. He moves nearer but to his own place.

You’ve already said you’d like to keep this pregnancy. That’s ok, but that doesn’t mean you have to be with either man, or live with either man if you do decide to get back together with one of them. You are jumping back into a living together situation when that clearly is not the best solution for your kids: your DD will suffer if exH moves back in, your DS (and possibly also DD) will resent new BF moving in over a few years). Choose for YOU - what makes YOU happy and feel heard and supported? And if you decide to get back with either guy, take it slow and live apart, for the sake of your children (if your exH is not interested in taking it slow you know he doesn’t want to get back with YOU but back into the house (and your bed for sex). Any guy who respects YOU will be ok with taking things slow and living apart.

This sounds like a very stressful position to be in. Be kind to yourself OP.

I think it’s a difficult one because if you terminated the pregnancy whilst being unsure, you could live with regret and feel guilty.

But if you continued the pregnancy and disrupted your existing children’s lives at an already difficult phase, you might also feel guilty and selfish for putting your own desire for a third ahead of their reality.

Would you have support from your current partner, how do you think he would react? Good luck x