To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

OP if you think this is how it all will work out - it most likely won't.

Congrats on the pregnancy OP! Please don't terminate if you don’t want to.

Sounds like your exH and you can’t make it work, and that’s sad but okay. It’s childish and unfair of him to “blame you” for the relationship not working out, and put strain on your relationship with your dc. A good parent shouldn’t be manipulative and cause further issues. This needs fixing ASAP, even if you decide not to reconcile.

As for a messy life, life is sometimes messy. But a beautiful thing has come out of all
of this. It’s good to teach children how to navigate difficult situations, and be resilient. Your dc wont always be teenagers, and the one with additional needs is likely to struggle somewhat more whatever happens. Blended families are not unusual. Personally, I would have my children in therapy to help with the separation, and it will serve them well in general.

There is strength in teaching your children to be true to themselves. Your dc will get through whatever happens, as long as both parents are supportive and loving.

Do what makes you happy to prevent resentment. It may work out with new guy, he seems keen. You can’t live your life trying to keep everyone else happy.

Me personally I couldn't end any pregnancy but as for relationships you need to take time away from both and figure yourself out first

@Tunnocksmallow said everything I wanted to say.

Agree with @Tunnocksmallow And I don't think she is being harsh. She is being realistic and very honest. .

Please go and see someone you can talk to in person about this. I'm not saying have an abortion but abortion clinics provide counselling to women who need help in talking through their options.

And think really carefully about how you want your family to look in 5, 10, 20 years time. Will you be happy with your third child if it means that your other children choose to have very little to do with you?

This will be harsh!

At 41, you need to grow up and take some much needed responsibility here OP!

1.ignore getting back with ex husband, he is manipulating you (and son) because he doesn’t want to continue living in his mum’s spare room.

2.cut off the boyfriend. Seems you got together with him pretty soon after you split with ex.
You need to be single for a while, at least 6 months. You need to learn who you are.
3.put your twins first! Your son needs counselling to help understand that you and his dad are not getting back together, and that he needs to stop listening to his dad’s blame game.
Why is everyone ignoring that your poor daughter is actually happy and relieved her father no longer lives with you all. How can you even be considering putting her back in that situation?
4.your twins aren’t even aware you’ve been seeing someone, and you want to tell them that suddenly there’s a man and a baby?! Have they not got enough to deal with? Your son will not react well to a baby because of his upset over your split. Your daughter will not react well because it’s a change and will be noisy. And is likely to cause her father to make life miserable again.
5.you may want a 3rd baby, but I honestly do not think that this is the best or healthiest situation for you or your children to have one.
lots of counselling for you to move on, past this whole situation and be happy being single and concentrate on the 2 children that you have, and who need you NOW!

and yes, I do know how hard an abortion is; but I also know that in the long term it was what was best for me and the children I already had.

It’s complicated, it’s messy, but only you OP, can be the one to step up and sort it out with as little disruption to your children as possible.

but I think we all know what you are going to do, and I feel sorry for your children.

I don't think the people saying terminate understand how you seem to feel about it. Lots of women can have an abortion and feel OK about it, but if that's not the case for you then you don't need to feel any guilt you need to just focus on the next steps.
I would personally first talk to exH, guage his reaction. If you still want to be with him that may potentially even still be an option, or it may not, but you need to find out.
Then talk to the new boyfriend. He may want shared custody, that's something to also consider.
I wouldn't tell the DC until as close as possible to the 20 week scan personally so that in the hopefully unlikely case that the pregnancy doesn't go well you've not had them find out then go through that too.
It's far from ideal, but if you do want to keep the baby then in a few years time this is going to be a distant memory and you will be in a new version of normal, however that ends up looking.

So what affect with this have on your current kids, is you wanting a third more important than the children you have now?

Op, sorry you find yourself in this position. You say “So the split wasn’t a massive shock - sadly DS has taken it very very badly as he idealises ExH and ExH has made it abundantly clear that this isn’t his choice; it’s mine and I could fix it if I wanted to by letting him come home”

This is quite bad of him, you child should not have a say on things he cannot control, how in Earth did he end up in that position??? Because your selfish exhusband doesn’t give a shit about hurting his children to get you back. He should have reassured his children that things would be ok, not painting himself as a victim with his own kid so the pain of your kid can get you back to him.

Honestly, if he cared, he would have turned around everything to get a better job that enable him to have his kids around in his own home. Instead he is not looking for one as he has his needs comfortably covered by his mum. Hardly the kind of man you want in your life.

It is true that you need to put your children first but there are things that children should not be allowed to dictate. Letting your children decide about how you lead your life won’t make him happy at all, just more insecure and miserable. Being asked to decide on highly problematic issues when he doesn’t even know what he wants is very damaging, he is not ready to carry that responsibility on his shoulders.

I think given what you have said and what you want, you can go ahead with the pregnancy and if partner want to be involved in the baby’s life. You can just imagine yourself as the partner of a man that travel a lot with work: it won’t be easy but you will make things work.

If he doesn’t want to be involved. Let him go and tell everyone you were so broody that you decided to use a donor.

Your son will eventually accept the baby, as long as you make sure he understands that having a baby brother/sister or not is not for him to decide.

It's 2025. Have an abortion and ditch both men is what I'd advise. Direct your life, don't just let it happen to you x

You and your ex split up because he is emotionally unavailable and he found he struggled with DD, he wont change but he is desperate to move out of his mums house. He didn't want a third child with you so wont want to bring up another man’s child.
Your relationship with new man is casual, you don’t know him very well neither. You have your own children to prioritise so even if he could commit your son wouldn’t be able to cope with a new man on the scene and blended families.
This isn’t about any men.
This is about you being a single mum, a boy of 13 struggling to come to terms his parents have split up, your daughter who has noise aversion, will you be able to juggle on your own a baby and your teen twins? Your children will accept another sibling even though it may take time. The only thing your son won’t accept is the casual man though but that’s not a problem as he couldn’t commit even if he wanted to.

I think @pinkglitter12’s situation was quite different from yours as her DS was 18. Your DC are both only 13. Don’t underestimate the amount of support your twins are going to need through their teen years which they’ve only just started. With the long term effects of the family breakup which it sounds like your DS has been particularly hard hit by, and your DD navigating her teens years with ASD in the mix, you’ve your work cut out let alone being a single parent to a baby as well. Especially as your DD has noise sensitivity which will make for a lot of stress in the household.

You will be raising the baby alone with a lot of challenges. Your Ex can’t even have the older two for sleepovers.

I had my last ‘bonus baby’ at 38 with an early teen, and a preteen who has ASD. DH and I are happily married and he’s pretty hands on but that was a nightmare juggling all the different needs, especially the ASD teen years where they are desperate to fit in but just can’t! I dread to think how I’d have coped as a single parent with the additional emotional fallout from parents splitting on the DC, introduction of a new man and his DC as well etc.

I imagine he will become involved to an extent with your older DC when he visits his child with you, and his children will want to meet their half sibling and will meet your older DC too.

As other posters have said, your existing minor children come first, they are the only ones you have an obligation to, not the men involved or even the ball of cells you are carrying which is not a viable pregnancy yet, or even yourself. Be honest with yourself about the effect it will have on them, how you will be practically manage that and make your decision based on that.

I think it would be a nightmare tbh and wouldn’t hesitate to terminate before the pregnancy progressed any further.

Too many men in your life and not enough time to sort things out for yourself.
Do you have a sister?
A close friend?
Someone you know well and who knows you well who you could confide in?

yeah me too. I wouldn't have known if she had decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy because I wasn't an actual person at the time.

I'm glad to be alive - in the way everyone is -but if my 17 year old mother had access to a different choice that wouldn't have affected her life the way my birth did - well I certainly wouldn't judge.

The new growing life inside of her is an existing child.

I'd tell them both, come clean. Your ds will warm up to the new baby or not? There is a massive age gap. Just tell everyone now.

I was conceived through bad circumstances but I’m still glad to be alive.

The reason you feel confused about your Exh is because your son is finding it hard to adjust to the breakup.You feel guilty and blame yourself, plus just want to make him feel better, you know your Ex unhappy living with his mum but You split up for valid reasons and you know getting back with Ex would be a mistake.
The new man was a distraction from you feeling guilty about your son’s unhappiness, you feel lonely so meeting a man who can’t commit due to his own family set up was ideal. You could see him when your kids were sleeping out and keep him a secret as it would’ve distressed your son more.
You’re pregnant and want the baby but you have to accept you will be a single parent to it, Ex didn’t want a third child and would resent another man’s baby and your new man is just a casual relationship. He has other children, he wouldn’t leave his daughter to live with you in three years, she might not leave home till she’s late 20’s, plus his other two might want to live with him. Your son is more likely to accept the baby without its dad tbh.

Regarding your DS feelings... you say he would never accept you having another relationship... But that is now.
Your split was relatively recent.. but it doesn't mean he can't see his dad. His dad is living nearby. He's still only 13, but having the reassurance of seeing his Dad regularly will help. Maybe he will get used to the new routine.

Also, I don't think at just 41 (which is still young!) that splitting with your exDH means you can never have another relationship. You and your new partner were not thinking of setting up together immediately - at least 3 years have been mentioned. A lot can happen in 3 years... your son will start to become more independent and more focused on his own life.

I think your twins will realise that you are there for them and a constant in their lives, however difficult the split was. It sounds like you were doing the majority of the parenting and that will most likely continue, so they know you have their interests at heart. Your DD already appreciates that there is less of an atmosphere in the house. Your ex DH is nearby to see them too.

The first immediate priority is your pregnancy rather than whether you want to continue with either relationship. Wishing you all the best OP.

Circumstances always sort themselves out so concentrate on looking after yourself and your baby first and foremost.

You know, unfortunately, circumstances don't sort themselves out. Not by themselves. Read some threads on here by women who grew up in chaotic circumstances with blended dysfunctional families, step parents who didn't like them etc etc. If mumsnet taught me anything it is that circumstances sort themselves out for those who take control of those circumstances.

The OP has more than the fetus to consider. She has two existing children who are already struggling - as she herself and their father is.

People make good choices and bad choices and when you are a parent those choices affect your children too.

Maybe you should tell your kids about the baby asap

Terrible idea. She may have a miscarriage or termination and shouldn’t tell anyone except the prospective father until they’ve decided where they’re going with this. Personally I think having this baby would be the height of selfishness.

If DD is incredibly noise sensitive and DS wouldnt cope with a new man moving in due to his feelings about his dad then it may be worth reflecting on how they would respond to a new baby?

I am very much someone who would lean a lot towards keeping an accidental pregnancy, but in this situation I think the impact on your existing children is very important to consider.

My children choose to spend a lot less time at their dads house since he had a baby, they don't like the noise and the chaos (and they are not particularly noise sensitive)

@MaddieInAmess
OP, I didn't find your original post confusing, I absolutely understand you.
Well done for applying the brakes to your exh's suggestion he should move back in. Personally, I think it's guilt as to why you believe you were missing him, there must have been some good days, but as a previous poster has said, you must have had good reasons to separate. Also it sounds as if you feel really guilty regarding your DS and his relationship with his Dad, who he clearly loves. I agree with the poster who says write all the reasons down why you split, they are still valid, and you should not go back for reasons of nostalgia, believe me I've been there.
Your DS could spend more time with his dad, although it sounds as if your DD is quite indifferent to the separation. Remember you have tried your best to make this marriage work, and you sound like a good mum. Are you going to tell the new man about the pregnancy at your next meeting with him? Maybe you should tell your kids about the baby asap, I don't think your son will hate you, he will be surprised, and both kids will have to get used to the idea. Best wishes about the baby

Op this is not about you, please think of the children!

Congratulations on your new baby. Irrespective of the muddle, it sounds as he/she is a much longed for baby.

Circumstances always sort themselves out so concentrate on looking after yourself and your baby first and foremost.

I’ve alienated a lot of friends so have nobody to turn to now

OP, if you go through with this pregnancy, you may possibly have nobody, not even ds, dd, ex and current, to turn to, except the baby. You will be putting your selfish desire for a baby above everyone and you got them into this mess to begin with.

Sorry, but I am not sympathetic and not surprised your friends have had enough.