To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

@MaddieInAmess I think you have to focus on the facts.

Twin 13 year olds, one is ASD, the other has taken the split badly and may need interventions in any event.

Ex H, probably ASD, lost a job a year ago and is now in a minimum wage job, loving with his mother due to limited funds.

You are 41 and live in rented accommodation with your own business - presumably without much set aside for a mat leave. Who will look after a baby when you are working?

The new boyfriend - has his 16 year old living with him (nc with mother) AND has two younger dc from another relationship. When the dd's 18/19, he's happy to uproot away from her to live with you.

I'd be thinking very carefully about the new man op and why he has not sustained previous relationships, not once but twice. And what about seeing his younger DC if he moves away from them?

You say you wanted another baby and yiur DH (ex) didn't - were either if you in a position financially and emotionally to have another baby?

Pragmatically, I think having the baby is a non starter - it isn't fair to bring a new life into this mess and the potential impact on your existing children is incalculable.

You need to know far more about the new boyfriend before you start any sort of future with him.

You need some.therapy to work out what you want, possibly with ex h. Alongside that, your children also probably need some therapeutic support. On a means tested basis through somewhere like Relate, that's likely to cost about £100 a week. If your response is that you can't afford that for six months duration, then kindly, you can't afford to bring the baby into the world.

Best of luck op.

So you own your own business, but you rent? That sounds like a vulnerable set up.

Personally, I think I would be stepping away from both men (well as much as you can from XDH). You are considering everyone else's feels (which is very lovely of you) and need to have a moment to consider your own

Is there anyone you can talk to? Do you have Employee Assistance Program at work? They offer free counselling.

Whatever you decide it will be ok. It will.

Sometimes big things like this happen and it changes the course of your life, for the better.

I don’t think it is any close as bad as pressing a woman, who has expressed clearly and repeated times that she doesn’t want to have an abortion, to have one.

I agree wholeheartedly that the foetus is adding massively to your difficulties

Can you get a private scan earlier? Do you really need a scan?

Sending you love and strength 🥰❤️

@MaddieInAmess”I don’t think I could end the pregnancy regardless of anything else
Im almost 41 - my chances of another pregnancy may be low“. You say this but you also say that because of your son a new man 100% cannot move in. Would a new baby by the new man be welcomed more than the new man?! And even if he doesn’t move in he’d presumably be as present as possible, visiting lots etc and wouldn’t then be hidden away as he’d be visiting his child, you son’s half brother. So you put your son’s feelings about him moving in very high up in your considerations but don’t consider that those same feelings will be felt anyway if you have the baby, and rank those feelings below your own desire for a third child. It’s a mess but I would think that your current children’s emotional wellbeing must be the primary consideration and you have to have eyes open about how that would be affected by a new sibling in the circumstances.

Respectfully - in the OPs situation there are 2 children ALREADY struggling very much and an ex husband who sounds, at best, to be in difficulties regards life. PLUS the father of the foetus has 3 children (I think that's right) himself, and lives a long way away

THIS ^^ does not need a baby adding to the mess

It's not fair on anyone, including the foetus

What’s the point in posting? You will keep the baby, as that’s what you want, Your teens will be messed up. Your husband, who you have let think that you have let believe that you have a high chance of a reconciliation will be destroyed. The 19 year old girl with no mum will be dumped by her dad to be with you and the new baby.

Slow hand clap.

My mum had my sister at 38, did live with her father at the time as 3 teens at home.

We love her, we took care of her, we played with her and taught her so much!

She effectively had 4 parents (mum and the teens)

Yes we’re were sitting exams, learning to drive, dabbling in relationships, but we thought the world of our little sister!!

She now approaching 40 and a mum herself, and we wouldn’t change it for the world.

It’s not the big disaster people are making it out to be.

I’m so sorry OP, this is a mess and I can see it’s incredible stressful for you- I truly mean this with a kindness, your longing for a third baby isn’t unreasonable, but continuing this pregnancy under the circumstances is simply selfish. Your children need you more than ever now. There isn’t room here for a baby, especially in this exh/newman mess.

I think you need to prioritise these children over this pregnancy. DD may wish for a sibling but the reality is something else. You may lose DS trust forever. So much needs to be rebuilt here. A new baby doesn’t deserve this either.

take good care of yourself.

this is the only post you reply to?

No reply to all the people pointing out how selfish it would be to choose your own desire for a baby over the wellbeing of your teens?

I don't understand threads like these. You're clearly going to continue this pregnancy, despite the momumental clusterfuck of a situation, knowing full well your teen twins aren't coping at all right now, and you want to further mess up their lives, all because you selfishly want another baby?

“Its perfectly fine to have a relationship with a man your kids don't know (its your private relationship), its perfectly fine to have this baby you always wanted (its your body/fertility), its perfectly fine not to live with the father of your baby (my step dad did not move in until my sibling was 3 and me and DH lived separate when my oldest was young)... you got this.”

What dreadful fucking advice.

I mean if you are waiting for a scan, then you are clearly planning on keeping it.

How could you possibly get lonely because you were on,y seeing your new man 2 or 3 times a week? Thats absolutely loads.
I feel sorry for your poor son, i doubt he’ll cope with a new baby by a man they’ve never even known about.You can’t put this baby before your existing children surely?

You are between a rock and a hard place. If you keep the baby, you have a greater chance than not if ‘losing’ your current DS. I’m guessing he is not going to react too well and probably never will. It’s one of the worst ages to lumber him with this scenario, and he will likely forever hold it against you, and will always view the baby with dislike etc. This will mean the new man is also placed front and centre into his life, whether he moves in or not. I’d be prepared for him to act out big time, in which case you need to cut him slack as none of this is if his making. That’s going to make for a really hard future. What a mess, not envious of you and best of luck whatever way you go with all of this.

Being harsh because I think you need a reality check. I appreciate you dont know where your heart is right now but you need to think deep and hard right now to secure a future you really want.

Your DS will leave if his dad comes back - a man who wasn't present with you before, so how's that going to change?

Your new man hasn't met your kids and you haven't met his after 1 year! That's not a good omen.

Aside from the father maybe not wanting anything to do with the baby and all the above mess, how can you financially afford to bring another child into your life right now? Or will the tax payer fund it?

Think hard. Do not feed your loneliness by adding mess into it, that will make you lonely even if someone else is around!

You are where you are because of your choices.

Now decide where you want to be and forge a path towards that.

It's all very unclear. You left your DH last spring. Presumably you mean a year ago. Is this coming baby's father your new partner or your Ex. If you want the baby then don't have a termination. Would your ex come back or not.

So, your daughter cannot stand change and moving in one adult would add too much noise, but you think that adding a baby is neither too much change nor too much added noise?

It’s not a child yet, it’s a ball of cells.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation and if you really feel that you can't have a termination then so be it. However I think you are putting yourself in am incredibly vulnerable situation. You have young teenagers both of whom have mental health vulnerabilities. Believe me, supporting teens with mental health issues is no joke. I would do anything I could do avoid destabilising them further.

I think this is an issue where you need counselling, not the advice of strangers on the internet who are posting to pass the time.

@Tunnocksmallow gives good advice. I have no advice to give other than my own experience of having my only child at 41: pregnancy seemed tough but ok (I’d never known anything else). I was a single mum by the time they were 2, but I had lots of support and good finances. Everything was fine until menopause hit: since then energy levels have dropped dramatically, anxiety has increased, and I find myself always wideawake in the middle of the night.

But the heart wants what the heart wants. Sending you wishes of clarity and strength for days ahead.

Thank you! I want to back you up on this. @MaddieInAmess Your ex is using your son as a weapon to try and get what he wants. The fact that so many posters have overlooked that fact with their "abort-abort-abort" chant is quite telling.

You need to sit your DS down and tell him that getting back with your ex will never happen. You TRIED for years, and getting back with him would only make you more miserable and sad. It would not improve anything. I would also tell your Ex that if he continues to use your DS as a weapon, that you will seek legal redress. I can totally see why he is an ex as he gives me the "ick" and I've never laid eyes on the dud.

I don't think you are romanticizing anything. You are trying to look at all sides but do understand. This is YOUR decision and no one else's. Only you know what you can handle, but please do not let your ex use your children to try and force you back to him. Your indecision about your ex seems more centered on what your ex and DS wants and less on what you want and need.

I think counselling for your DS and you would be a good idea, along with letting ex know the consequences if he continues to weaponize your child.