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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

divided between stepchildren and baby

91 replies

artmum100 · 07/05/2025 16:43

Hi all,

Please don’t read the title as too charged / divisive, I was just trying to summarise for clarity. Also - I’m very tired with my baby under 1, so i’m grateful for your patience!

I’m a first-time mum, just turned 30, with DS(8mo) with my DH, who is early 40s.

He has two DC, who are early/ mid teens, a boy and a girl.

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I’m adapting to both being a stepmother to teenagers, as well as a biological mother to our baby.

I would say we are all trying to get along and his children are lovely, but of course things can be difficult. They’ve had their parents divorce, some issues with custody (DH now has more greater custody share), they have a new stepmother to get used to, and generally early teens is not the most straightforward time. So has been a bit tense at times

I feel I’m not ‘old enough’ to step-parent teenagers - I’m only 16 / 14 years older than them, and have had comments from the youngest (and DH’s ex-wife) about me being too young.

DH is a good Dad (and husband) but I’m still the one who is off work and mainly looking after our baby - which also means I’m around more when his DSC are at home.

Basically I think we’re still all getting used to each other and I’m feeling like I can’t quite cope with everything at once, even with DH support.

I did know what I was getting into, but think I couldn’t totally understand what my life would be like, and I love my DH, even though he’s older than me, divorced, etc, we didn’t want to seperate. I’m trying to take my responsibilities seriously, I’m just looking for advice and help - thank you

OP posts:
GRex · 07/05/2025 17:13

I'm sure you're doing fine. If the youngest is cheeky about your age, either respond with a joke or ask her to stop being cheeky. It doesn't sound like there are specific issues, could you explain what you feel isn't working as that would be the easiest way for others to see how to help you. Is it grumpiness or cheekiness? Ignoring you asking them to eat dinner / do homework / stay in? Does any of it make anyone unsafe or upset?

Obeseandashamed · 07/05/2025 17:11

Ok. So firstly I’m not that much older than you and have a teenager of my own. It can be difficult to navigate even as a bio parent. YANBU to find it challenging but YABU to think you’re too young to deal with it. All you can do is be an ear for them to talk to, keep trying to build bridges and bonds with them and be there for them when you can.

MaggiesShadow · 07/05/2025 17:08

DuchessOfNarcissex · 07/05/2025 17:00

@MaggiesShadow , the SC are in their mid teens. They're 14 and 16 years younger than the OP.

Yes, I know. And she's 30, no? So they're already 14 and 16?

MaggiesShadow · 07/05/2025 17:07

artmum100 · 07/05/2025 17:01

Maybe I am overthinking it a bit, but I do feel a bit divided still. Having a baby does take up a lot of time, and I’m aware it’s a big change in their lives, when they’re also developing / thinking about exams, school etc. And DH is a bit stretched trying to be present for our baby but also supporting his children. Of course that is his responsibility I understand, but I feel like we’re a team, and I’m also feeling the stretch a bit. Trying to have time to get to know them but also looking after the baby.

Show quote history

I'm sorry, I'm just not quite understanding the problem here.

Did you not know them at all before you got married? I don't know how stretched you and DH can feel with one baby between the two of you? Do you feel like you rushed your decision? Do you want them around more/less? Do you want DH around more or less?

DaisyChain505 · 07/05/2025 17:03

So what if the SC see you as young, you don’t need to prove yourself to them. Focus on your baby and being the best parent you can be to them.

Leave their parenting to your DH and cut yourself some slack. Your whole life has been thrown up in the air and you’ve had a lot of changes in a short space of time.

His DC will be adults in just a few years and either moved out or there a lot less. Give it time and they will warm to you more.

Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 17:01

MaggiesShadow · 07/05/2025 16:53

Okay, so not that new. The way you were talking made it seem like you'd gotten pregnant the first night you met him or something!

That being said, in four years they've gone from living with both parents, to living through a divorce, to having a new stepmother, to having a new sibling, and now it sounds like they have a contentious relationship with their mother. It's a lot. Of course it is. And it's an adjustment.

But honestly, nothing you're saying sounds glaringly bad. Their mother is acting up a bit? So what. In a few years they'll be adults and you'll have to navigate a rocky road with their mother less and less.

I'm not sure how much parenting you really need to be doing for two late teens and wonder if you're overthinking it a little?

Maybe I am overthinking it a bit, but I do feel a bit divided still. Having a baby does take up a lot of time, and I’m aware it’s a big change in their lives, when they’re also developing / thinking about exams, school etc. And DH is a bit stretched trying to be present for our baby but also supporting his children. Of course that is his responsibility I understand, but I feel like we’re a team, and I’m also feeling the stretch a bit. Trying to have time to get to know them but also looking after the baby.

OP posts:
DuchessOfNarcissex · 07/05/2025 17:00

@MaggiesShadow , the SC are in their mid teens. They're 14 and 16 years younger than the OP.

YesHonestly · 07/05/2025 17:00

artmum100 · 07/05/2025 16:56

again, sorry my fault to slightly misphrase.
We got married during my pregnancy last year, so that is when I ‘technically’ became their stepmother; before that (age 26/27) we were taking things slowly so I was not fully in that role - we were trying to be careful and respectful of his children’s needs - and I didn’t even meet them for a while for this reason, until we knew this would be for the long-term.

Show quote history

Ahh I see, thank you for clarifying.

Having a baby and getting used to being a mum is hard, never mind adding two teenage stepchildren into the mix!

Can you explain a little more about some of the issues you’re having? Is it just feeling like you have no authority or are there things that they are doing that need addressing?

Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 16:56

YesHonestly · 07/05/2025 16:50

You say “new stepmum” like you are a recent addition to their life, but this can’t be the case if you have a baby?

How long have you known them OP?

again, sorry my fault to slightly misphrase.
We got married during my pregnancy last year, so that is when I ‘technically’ became their stepmother; before that (age 26/27) we were taking things slowly so I was not fully in that role - we were trying to be careful and respectful of his children’s needs - and I didn’t even meet them for a while for this reason, until we knew this would be for the long-term.

OP posts:
MaggiesShadow · 07/05/2025 16:53

Okay, so not that new. The way you were talking made it seem like you'd gotten pregnant the first night you met him or something!

That being said, in four years they've gone from living with both parents, to living through a divorce, to having a new stepmother, to having a new sibling, and now it sounds like they have a contentious relationship with their mother. It's a lot. Of course it is. And it's an adjustment.

But honestly, nothing you're saying sounds glaringly bad. Their mother is acting up a bit? So what. In a few years they'll be adults and you'll have to navigate a rocky road with their mother less and less.

I'm not sure how much parenting you really need to be doing for two late teens and wonder if you're overthinking it a little?

Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 16:51

TheatreTraveller · 07/05/2025 16:47

You don't actually say what you want advice for or what you are finding difficult?
Your comments about being too young are ridiculous though, you're a 30-yr old married adult woman with a child. You may not have experience of having your own teenagers but you're old enough.

Ok, sorry if i’ve phrased things incorrectly - I’m just tired after a lot of sleep deprivation and I did ask for some patience with this!

I am 30 and I’m not denying being an adult. I just mean - if I were their bio-mother, I would have had them age 16 and 14, which would have been pretty young, I realise it could have just been technically possible, but nobody else in my peer group or age range has any experience with being a parent to teenagers. And the SC see me as being young, plus DH’s ex-wife, which I think doesn’t help with my sense of ‘authority’ (?)

OP posts:
YesHonestly · 07/05/2025 16:50

You say “new stepmum” like you are a recent addition to their life, but this can’t be the case if you have a baby?

How long have you known them OP?

Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 16:48

We met when I was 26 and he was 38 (and seperated), I had DS when I was 29 and he was 41

OP posts:
TheatreTraveller · 07/05/2025 16:47

You don't actually say what you want advice for or what you are finding difficult?
Your comments about being too young are ridiculous though, you're a 30-yr old married adult woman with a child. You may not have experience of having your own teenagers but you're old enough.

MaggiesShadow · 07/05/2025 16:47

There's a lot going on here. How new is all of this?

Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 16:47

Also for context if it’s useful, there is some ongoing strain between the ex-wife and SC, which I’m trying to obviously be neutral on. Feel like I can’t win - when I do have a nice bonding moment with my SD then her mother will make an arch comment about me trying to replace her, or my SD will then feel guilty / like she’s being disloyal etc, and then can be a bit difficult with me sometimes as well (which is understandable but I am just tired at the moment)

OP posts:
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