divided between stepchildren and baby

6 years into step-parenting with two SC, a 2-year old of my own and another on the way. We also have majority custody and difficulties with their mum. My advice is to step back from trying to parent them at all, they have two parents and if your DH is a good dad then there should be very little for you to worry about. Focus on your little one, you have plenty to keep you occupied parenting wise.

Typical example of what I mean: SC has a messy room - shut the door. Nacho problem.

Just looking at the timelines OP… you say they’ve had a tough 4 years, and you met your husband 4 years ago… were you the OW? Is this why you’re having such trouble with the ex wife and possibly the daughter?

Also having household rules helps. So everyone is not a baby has to take their plate to the kitchen after dinner, bring their laundry down to the washing machine, put away their own clothes etc. Even all phones go to the charging station in the kitchen at X time in the evening. Then it’s not a you telling them what to do issue, it’s just house rules. And it’s fine if the house rules are different at mum’s.

Would it help to think of yourself not a parent to your teenage SC but more as a responsible adult in their lives? Like an Aunty or a Teacher or Sportscoach or Babysitter is? When you think of it like that, being a bit too young to reasonably be their parent is no longer an issue. You have authority because their dad has given you authority. He may have the final say over decisions about their lives but he trusts you to be in charge when he is not at home and you are, and the kids need to respect that in the same way they know their football coach or summer camp counselor is in charge in those situations.

Is your husband expecting you to parent his teens?

If so, stop. They have 2 parents.

Check out nacho parenting.

You are in a situation where there's been a lot of upheaval the past few years. Your husband's kids are watching him start another family. Did you think things would be all sunshine and rainbows?

Do not expect or ask his kids to watch your baby. That's not their job and it will cause resentment, especially if you're only asking your stepdaughter.

They aren't in their late teens, @MaggiesShadow .

Well, if we're being pedantic then mid to late teens?

My point stands.

It's great that he's wanting to be more engaged with his kids. Let him continue that! With all three of them.

I think the best thing for you is to give yourself permission to just be yourself. Not the World's Best Stepmother. Nobody should be expecting that of you and if they are, then it's time to set some boundaries for yourself.

More importantly, you have to give yourself permission to not be perfect for everyone all of the time. If they were very young and needed constant parenting then it would be a different story. But they're mid-teens. There's nothing wrong with taking time to be comfortable around each other.

Like I said, if DH wants to keep tabs on them then it's his job to do that, not yours. As long as you can all show each other some respect and kindness, especially given that a lot has happened in a relatively short space of time, I would count that as a win.

Step back emotionally. Let yourself enjoy your baby. Include them but don't force anything. Get to know them but don't be a disciplinarian on behalf of their parents. Most of all, go easy on yourself!

@MaggiesShadow , because you said I'm not sure how much parenting you really need to be doing for two late teens and wonder if you're overthinking it a little?

Okay? I'm not sure why you feel the need to point that out to me. I said nothing to the contrary.

@MaggiesShadow , given that the teenage years are 13-19, they're not in their late teens.
The two teenagers have quite a lot going on and a baby half-sibling.

OP has two teenagers to step-parent and a baby, so no wonder she feels overwhelmed.

Yeah. Don't!

They're mid to late teens with two parents already. They won't want or appreciate someone trying to be another mother.

It sounds like you're feeling a little insecure in your position, which is completely understandable!

You've gone through a few massive changes here. You're a first time mum, feeling vulnerable, and trying to be all things to all people.

I think it's fine for you to be dad's wife instead of their stepmother, if that makes sense? If they were younger, fair enough. But it's not really on for your DH to expect you to be strict about where his daughter goes (for example). It's up to him to communicate the ground rules with her.

IMO it's more important for you to build a good friendship with them than establish yourself as an authority figure. They have two parents, they don't need a third.

The digs about you being young, I would laugh off. SD not wanting to take care of the baby while you cook is par for the course and would likely be the case even if they were full siblings so I wouldn't take it too personally. Teens can often feel a little parentified when a new baby comes along. That's why highchairs were invented!

All in all, if you're feeling insecure then talk to your DH about it. But him laying down the law about being "nice" to you then leaving for work and leaving you to deal with the resentment isn't doing any of you any favours.

If he wants to know where his kids are going, I'm assuming they have phones so he can find out himself. Establishing you as a parental figure isn't going to work, especially if you don't even know them that well!

It doesn't sound like things are being given the chance to occur naturally here. Maybe tell DH that you won't be any sort of disciplinarian, that he'll have to be in that role 100%. And stop putting so much pressure on everyone to be a family. For now, concentrate on being friends of a sort.

I think it's fine if you're met with cheek to say "why do you think I want to know where you'll b" and open it up more into a discussion that it's just in case / to make sure they are ok, rather than keeping tabs. Good luck!