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Original poster

divided between stepchildren and baby

91 replies

artmum100 · 07/05/2025 16:43

Hi all,

Please don’t read the title as too charged / divisive, I was just trying to summarise for clarity. Also - I’m very tired with my baby under 1, so i’m grateful for your patience!

I’m a first-time mum, just turned 30, with DS(8mo) with my DH, who is early 40s.

He has two DC, who are early/ mid teens, a boy and a girl.

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I’m adapting to both being a stepmother to teenagers, as well as a biological mother to our baby.

I would say we are all trying to get along and his children are lovely, but of course things can be difficult. They’ve had their parents divorce, some issues with custody (DH now has more greater custody share), they have a new stepmother to get used to, and generally early teens is not the most straightforward time. So has been a bit tense at times

I feel I’m not ‘old enough’ to step-parent teenagers - I’m only 16 / 14 years older than them, and have had comments from the youngest (and DH’s ex-wife) about me being too young.

DH is a good Dad (and husband) but I’m still the one who is off work and mainly looking after our baby - which also means I’m around more when his DSC are at home.

Basically I think we’re still all getting used to each other and I’m feeling like I can’t quite cope with everything at once, even with DH support.

I did know what I was getting into, but think I couldn’t totally understand what my life would be like, and I love my DH, even though he’s older than me, divorced, etc, we didn’t want to seperate. I’m trying to take my responsibilities seriously, I’m just looking for advice and help - thank you

OP posts:
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dottiedodah · 08/05/2025 03:59

Teens are difficult anyway. It sounds like you are doing well. SD should not need to be supervised solely. Dad needs to realise you have a lot on your plate ATM.Say he needs to liase with her.Babies are hard work!

JMSA · 08/05/2025 03:25

OP, maybe you’d benefit from a structured approach to spending time with them. So you could take the lead on, say, a weekly movie or pizza-making night. Something like that would take the pressure off you the rest of the time, if that makes sense.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/05/2025 00:50

I would try to think of myself as being like a live in auntie to them - someone that loves and bonds with them and is an adult they should respect and obey to a degree but not one who does major decisions. Aunties can be any age

nopineapplepizza · 07/05/2025 21:51

You mention exams OP, is the elder child doing GCSEs?

If so, the exam period can bring a whole load of new stress into the house and with the exams having already started, your SC will really need to dedicate their free time to revision, a good nights sleep and having some downtime, so don’t expect too much help on the housework/baby watching front.

You’re also going to have a long summer which starts around mid June, so make sure there are lots of fun activities planned so they don’t feel like a new baby has turned up and stopped them from going out/holidaying/meeting up with friends etc.

Being a taxi-driver is a good way to get on side with the teens; offering to pick them up and drop them places, plus it’s a good bargaining chip; “sure I’ll drop you at Tom’s house, you unload the dishwasher, I’ll get the baby ready and then we’ll go.”

Beamur · 07/05/2025 21:39

You've had good advice here.
Personally I found having a baby made my role as a step parent click. We were more of a family than before.
I think you tread a line between involvement and taking a step back.
On a practical level, I helped keep their home somewhere where they felt welcomed, familiar and their needs were met.
They were very sweet with the baby and were my first visitors after my Mum. They were here when we brought the baby home from hospital. Baby is now 18 and has an independent relationship especially with her older sister. There's quite a big age gap but the older DD gets the more it closes.
Keep your boundaries and ensure you're on the same page as your DH around rules and suchlike. My SC Mum was very willing to co parent harmoniously so we didn't really have any problems on that front.

Odellio · 07/05/2025 21:34

artmum100 · 07/05/2025 19:49

Yes, that’s it - I was aware of what I was getting into, but I think it’s that sense of not having ‘learned the ropes’ - I didn’t have a slow progression with a child developing through the ages. I suppose that is the challenge with step-parenting.

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I’m surprised you say you were aware of what you were getting into. That’s normally a phrase that people use to bash step mums with.

Honestly, the reality of living with and bringing up children that are not your own when you are childless at first is nothing you can prepare yourself for or fully understand until you live it.

I categorically did not have the faintest idea about what I was getting into. I started learning hard and fast, and now very open with warning people about whether they can hack it if they meet a guy with kids. There’s a peace that comes with acknowledging that this gig is hard and accepting you were a bit bloody clueless to start with.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 07/05/2025 21:33

DaisyChain505 · 07/05/2025 21:14

You don’t need to be parenting them. They’re teenagers. It would be different if you came into their lives when they were young but you’re passed that point. Leave your DH to parent them and try to detach from the stress of dealing with them. If there’s issues with the kids not picking up slack with things around the house like clearing their plates, putting washing away etc tell your husband and he is the one who should be dealing with them.

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If you are living with teen step kids, believe me, you have a parenting role. Teens need a lot of parenting and they do not just shut down when their actual parent isn’t present.

It is true the OP’s husband needs to set the boundaries with her, so she isn’t trying to fully parent on her own, and the kids understand the rules are his, but detaching from teens doesn’t tend to make your life easier or make for a happy house. The kids just feel neglected and act out.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 07/05/2025 21:29

You are dealing with a lot.

My experience of parenting step children is it’s best to think of yourself as an aunt with caring responsibilities. You have responsibility and authority, but not as much - lite-parent I guess. You are not their friend, they do need you to be a parent figure till they grow up, whether they realise it or not.

Crucially you and your and your DH need to agree on the basics (kids find very different parenting styles confusing) so agree a system for doing homework before your SD goes out, what you need to know before she goes out, when she has to be back. As the parent he has the bigger say on boundaries, but as you have parenting responsibilities you do have a say too, which may mean some meeting in the middle. It’s absolutely not on for you to have to work it out as you go with your SD.

Your DH also should do what he can to be home earlier from work at least some days. Perhaps it’s totally impossible but make sure he’s tried. I’d go back to work when you can.

Make space for your own needs too - make sure you and DH get equal time off.

yoyo3 · 07/05/2025 21:25

Hi. It’s weird reading this.

im 29, married to my husband who is 41, and i have 2 stepchildren aged 18 + 15, have also had comments off their mother, and I have a new baby who is 4 months

I don’t really have advice, but just remember you and Dh are a team. I have had problems with both stepchildren (jealousy issues etc) but it all seems to have settled and they love their sibling very much now! It is a lot for the stepkids to get used to, and I used to find myself getting annoyed because I’d be thinking ‘they’re 15, not 5’ but still - children!

they are with us 3x a week and we all get along fab now and life is lovely!!

sorry not really advice more of a handhold x

DaisyChain505 · 07/05/2025 21:14

artmum100 · 07/05/2025 17:26

Does anyone have advice on parenting stepchildren?

You don’t need to be parenting them. They’re teenagers. It would be different if you came into their lives when they were young but you’re passed that point. Leave your DH to parent them and try to detach from the stress of dealing with them. If there’s issues with the kids not picking up slack with things around the house like clearing their plates, putting washing away etc tell your husband and he is the one who should be dealing with them.

thismummydrinksgin · 07/05/2025 20:26

No experience of being a stepmom but I have had a baby and I’d say go easy on yourself and put yourself in survival mode. Do what needs doing, ignore Bio Mom and keep trying - it will all come together x

Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 20:22

Halfemptyhalfling · 07/05/2025 20:18

Would they like to spend more time with their mum and would she like them to? If so they ought to spend more time with her which takes the pressure off you.

She works a lot in a v fancy career, which is partly why DH has greater custody. It was the children’s request. When I first moved in with DH, they lived more with their mum. In the past 2 years so that they have been much more with us- which has suited everyone better, but of course it’s also made me much more conscious of my role in their lives.

They want to be around their Dad more as he is much more stable / present (I’m not trying to criticise his ex-wife here, just giving context - I admire her in many ways, she is just quite intimidating!)

OP posts:
Halfemptyhalfling · 07/05/2025 20:18

Would they like to spend more time with their mum and would she like them to? If so they ought to spend more time with her which takes the pressure off you.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 07/05/2025 20:17

artmum100 · 07/05/2025 17:26

Does anyone have advice on parenting stepchildren?

Yes my advice is don’t … you won’t win
they have two parents

You are more the friend/ aunty role

Your DC is young now once he starts walking the kids can start playing together… hide and seek etc and you can help nurture that relationship

But maybe your DH needs to get home earlier so he is there when all three kids are there

Springtime97 · 07/05/2025 20:08

I don’t parent my DSC. I do my best to make them welcome and I make sure I have in food they like to eat. I take them into consideration when planning days out / special occasions. I make sure to take the now toddler so they can enjoy 1:1 time with their dad.

I also do not get involved in the co-parenting relationship. Mum is high conflict and has been incredibly difficult to the point a CAO was needed.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 07/05/2025 20:06

Tell them (and think of yourself) as a bonus person in their life. You are not a replacement parent, as they dont need that - and you dont have to be a certain age to be a positive presence in their lives.

ForeverPombear · 07/05/2025 20:00

MaggiesShadow · 07/05/2025 17:31

It sounds like you're feeling a little insecure in your position, which is completely understandable!

You've gone through a few massive changes here. You're a first time mum, feeling vulnerable, and trying to be all things to all people.

I think it's fine for you to be dad's wife instead of their stepmother, if that makes sense? If they were younger, fair enough. But it's not really on for your DH to expect you to be strict about where his daughter goes (for example). It's up to him to communicate the ground rules with her.

IMO it's more important for you to build a good friendship with them than establish yourself as an authority figure. They have two parents, they don't need a third.

The digs about you being young, I would laugh off. SD not wanting to take care of the baby while you cook is par for the course and would likely be the case even if they were full siblings so I wouldn't take it too personally. Teens can often feel a little parentified when a new baby comes along. That's why highchairs were invented!

All in all, if you're feeling insecure then talk to your DH about it. But him laying down the law about being "nice" to you then leaving for work and leaving you to deal with the resentment isn't doing any of you any favours.

If he wants to know where his kids are going, I'm assuming they have phones so he can find out himself. Establishing you as a parental figure isn't going to work, especially if you don't even know them that well!

It doesn't sound like things are being given the chance to occur naturally here. Maybe tell DH that you won't be any sort of disciplinarian, that he'll have to be in that role 100%. And stop putting so much pressure on everyone to be a family. For now, concentrate on being friends of a sort.

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All of this. I was going to write something like this but this is put much better than I could.

I wouldn't be parenting them, I'd be getting to know them and building a friendship and mutual respect. DH can message his daughter asking when she's going to be back and when you have established a friendship you might find she'll tell you before going out.

It's tough and new for all of you.

RubyRubyRubyRubyAhAhAhAhAhAaaah · 07/05/2025 19:59

I feel really sorry for you op and i wish people wouldn't romanticise blended families etc. It is hard work! Nacho parenting is a phrase I hadn't heard but makes sense!

Don't let your dh weasel out of parenting his own kids. Even "really good dad"s can sometimes get a bit lazy if they see the opportunity to do so. It isn't even their fault as even someone born in the early 80s like your dh probably grew up seeing childcare as mainly women's work. I am his age and remember it being much more common for women not to work and look after kids when they were little and men just went to work

MaggiesShadow · 07/05/2025 19:56

blubbyblub · 07/05/2025 19:13

Why are you being so weird about ages. You are the one who keeps insisting late teens and now you are criticising others for correcting you.

OP is just 30. She said she would have been 16 & 14 if they were her dcs.
so the sdc must be 14&16. That’s very clearly early and mid teens.

no one is a late teen

14 & 16 year olds need parenting. School can be really tough at this age. Hormones are crazy.

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I don't think I'm being weird about it at all. That's a bit rude!

My point (which I thought was glaringly obvious) was that teens of that age don't require the level of parenting that young children do, and so OP shouldn't see herself has some sort of mother figure but rather a trusted adult who can let a relationship grow naturally without having to parent the teenagers.

Anyway, OP seems to have understood what I meant and that's what's important.

Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 19:50

minnienono · 07/05/2025 19:23

My dsd was older than you are talking about but I made it clear that i wasn’t her mum, but i was there for her and she could talk to me about anything (including moaning about her mum). This approach that I’m a friend not an authority figure worked but she was already a bit older, not that much though. She didn’t get a free ride from me, I made my expectations clear that house rules for her were the same as my dd, I’m not a soft touch!

you need to find the middle ground that works for you

nice approach - thank you. I’m probably more of a soft touch tbh!

OP posts:
Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 19:49

MoominMai · 07/05/2025 19:14

Despite being a fairly new joiner to MN, I have seen a surprising amount of similar threads from young women who chose to get into relationships with older men by 10+ years and how they have struggled to adapt to role of SM and have ended up doing the brunt of childcare for their joint and SC without really having had a chance to learn the ropes as it were.

OP sounds very mature and I’ve no doubt she can make this work with the right advice and guidance but I’m glad she and others in similar scenarios post because any other women in their early 20s can read this and make informed decisions about what life actually could feasibly be like and whether they’re prepared for it if at anytime there was the potential to date significantly older men with fully formed families already.

Yes, that’s it - I was aware of what I was getting into, but I think it’s that sense of not having ‘learned the ropes’ - I didn’t have a slow progression with a child developing through the ages. I suppose that is the challenge with step-parenting.

OP posts:
Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 19:47

Seventree · 07/05/2025 18:51

I feel sorry for you because it must be really difficult to deal with these dynamics and all of the upheaval of becoming a mum.

Ultimately though, the children in any family come first and 2 of the 3 have had an incredibly challenging 4 years.

I'm sure they will love their baby sibling, but it is absolutely to be expected that they will struggle with a new addition who is both yours and their dad's biological child and lives in your home full time. Especially since it's only been 4 years since their parents split up.

I think you need to be quite sensitive to the mix of emotions they are likely to be feeling. I wouldn't ask them to help at all with the baby for your benefit, they didn't create the child and it's not their responsibility, but welcome their involvement (where appropriate) if they want to do things. There dad should be going out of his way to reassure them that their place in the family hasn't changed, even if that means taking them to age appropriate things alone. And whilst their dad should be reminding them about being polite etc., I'd give them a hell of a lot more leeway if they act out at the moment.

You don't need to be there parent, just a kind and loving adult in their life.

Thanks - yes, I think this : "I'd give them a hell of a lot more leeway if they act out at the moment” is useful. This was my instinct, then I felt bad because I thought maybe I wasn’t putting enough boundaries in place or step-parenting ‘well enough’. But I really think there’s quite a lot in the mix at the moment. And they’re honestly normal teenagers , it’s just tricky!

OP posts:
Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 19:44

User5274959 · 07/05/2025 18:51

Is there a chance your DH is putting too much of the parenting of his teens on to you?

I'm no expert in this but they have a mother and a father, do you need to mother them too? Can't you have more an an Aunty type relationship?

And the other thing is that their mother / DH ex-wife is not super present at the moment, at the age when my SD is early teens … sometimes she comes to ask me for help with things, she usually doesn’t want (surprise) to talk to her Dad about periods etc, even if he does try to make it clear this is fine

OP posts:
Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 19:42

User5274959 · 07/05/2025 18:51

Is there a chance your DH is putting too much of the parenting of his teens on to you?

I'm no expert in this but they have a mother and a father, do you need to mother them too? Can't you have more an an Aunty type relationship?

I think he doesn’t mean to, but I work freelance from home (and now on mat leave) while he is in a more traditional career - he’s tried as much as possible to change working hours, wfh sometimes but it just means I’m at home with my SC quite often when they’re not at their mum’s house

OP posts:
Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 19:40

Lavenderflower · 07/05/2025 18:45

Whilst there are some people do have children young most people do not become parents at 14. The OP is not a typical age to have teenagers, especially step-children as teenagers.

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thank you - that’s what I was trying to say

OP posts: