DP’s ‘work wife’ will end my relationship

"DP knew how upsetting and traumatic it would be for him to daly around with another woman at his place of work and call her his “work wife.”"

But he hasn't has he? At least that's not clear from ops post. Dps colleague referred to her as his work wife, not dp himself. Just because other people have labelled this doesn't mean it's anything other than a friendship or just a good working relationship - and it certainly doesn't mean ops dp is seeing her as his work wife.

You definitely have a type OP 😂

I have a work wife, I also have a work daughter, we are all female there's nothing in it just close friendly relationships that at times mimic family dynamics (like my young colleague asking me if it's true you have to pay for water rates or if I can call her nightmare ex boyfriend and tell him to leave her alone)

In contrast to PP, your DP knew how upsetting and traumatic it would be for him to daly around with another woman at his place of work and call her his “work wife.”

He could have shut this down at any time. He didn’t. He just hoped OP would t find out about it while he and everyone else continued this fun little “joke.”

I would be deeply betrayed by my own DP in this situation, who has also expressed to me this is not something he would engage in. His colleagues are his colleagues or if appropriate also his friends, regardless of gender.

But that's just your interpretation of the term! Everyone has a different idea of what it means. You don't the person who said to the OP and you don't know what they meant by it - only what you would mean by it, which isn't helpful.

I think op kindly, you are over reacting due to your previous trauma.

I have a "work wife" (I'm a straight woman) but it's a running joke in that she's the only other staff member on my level. I think the key here is whether he's doing anything wrong or if this colleague has just used what is quite a common phrase. Obviously for you it's a loaded phrase because of past experience but in reality it's a very common one. My stbxh had a 60yo male work wife.

I think unless you've anything to suggest this partner is doing anything wrong or untoward then you've absolutely no reason to end the relationship. If you are this sensitive about it then tbh I can see why he's decided not to tell you he's working closely with a woman. I think if generally he is a loving and caring partner, then I'd set some ground rules that he needs to be completely transparent going forwards about everything. But then op the onus will also be on you to make sure you're treating him fairly because he is not your ex. What exactly did he admit to other than he works with an older female colleague? And you need to think about what your expectations are here so you don't inadvertently fall into being controlling. What boundaries do you need him to set? What boundaries are fair for you to ask him to set? Eg, is it OK with you if he has friendships with women he works with?

I have heard it used for colleagues who are not as close as that. They work together professionally and well. Value each other's opinion and might help out if one busier than the other. Common among team members, but if of opposite sex can be referred to as "work wife". I have seen friendlier and more flirty relationship with colleagues who are not working together and not referred to as work wife.

I'm surprised that knowing your history your partner has allowed himself to be linked to a female colleague this way. Because it's entirely possible to have an excellent professional relationship and an appropriate friendship with colleagues of the opposite sex, without presenting in such a way that other people see you as a special unit of 'work spouses'. I think you need to talk to your partner and ask him why he thinks his colleague referred to the other woman in this way, and given he admitted it was 'true' what exactly does that look like. You can then decide if it crosses your boundaries.

OP, the fact that someone else used the term 'work wife' about one of your husband's colleagues doesn't mean that your husband has a similar relationship with her to the one your ex had with his affair partner.

'Work wife' / 'work husband' is just a daft term that means different things to different people. It wasn't your DP who described his colleague like that - it was someone else who said it! You have no idea what the person who said it even means by 'work wife'. Some people just use it to mean anyone of the opposite sex that you get on well with or work closely with. I'm sure I've had male colleagues that some people would say were my 'work husband' but I'd never use that term myself and I've never had an affair, physical or emotional, with any of them!

"I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be upset" is a terrible, damaging foundation to build a relationship on.
That's before even taking into account your (understandably) shaken confidence and trust in relationships.
It doesn't sound like he has what you need in a man to rebuild your faith.

As hard as it is, you need to remind yourself that these are two separate situations, relationships and people. Your current partner is not your ex so try not to judge him by your ex’s behaviour.

It’s absolutely understandable that you’ve felt triggered by this but you need to have a calm conversation with your partner and explain that and ask him what he’s going to do to reassure you that this isn’t a repeat and that you can trust him and then you either have to accept this and choose to trust him or leave.

The thing you cannot do is stay and then continue to question and distrust him.

Totally not the point here but surely your ex isn’t still with a woman now approaching her 60s whilst he is early 40s. What a mess. I’m glad you are out of that one.

this time around my upset would be that your partner knows this is a specific trauma for you and he still decided not to be extra vigilant about getting friendly with a specific woman at work. That’s so unnecessary for him to do and that’s why it might be a deal breaker for me

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
How do you work that one out...?

It would gather zero reaction from me

Also saying she's old enough to be his mum us hardly stirring the pot.

But two colleagues of opposite sex working together isn’t a work wife/husband. A work spouse is someone who is more than a typical colleague. Are VERY familiar with each other and have character go beyond typical colleague chats. Do each other favours etc.

Not only did he cross a known boundary of yours, he hid/lied about it. It’s even a very similar situation down to it being an older woman, which he also knows.

I’d absolutely get rid of him. It’s awful that you’ve ended up with two partners that are idiotic enough to have “work wives” but I’d have no qualms whatsoever about binning him. It’s disrespectful and immature, and far too often it turns into something worse.

1 Does he refer to her as his work wife, albeit not in front of you, or is she just a female colleague?

2 are you upset becuase he lied to you about having a work wife (and yes, ridiculous term) or that he has a female colleague he has a close relationship with.

Personally, I think if he thinks of her as his work wife and he's been hiding her, the lie is the main issue here. But if it's just a female colleague that he works closely with and gets on well with.... then the lie is STILL the main issuebut it sounds like he lied because he knew youd' have a melt down.

I've only ever known/heard 'work wife' referred to a work relationship that is slightly fractious/nagging - anyone remotely SEXY and no one would use that term IME.

Obviously you have past trauma which is impacting you - but just another perspective.

I'd be incredibly hurt that he hid something from me because he thought it would hurt me...rather than not do the thing he thought would hurt me.

I think he needs to be completely honest about what their relationship entails. Getting on well in the office and working together, having a walk to get a sandwich together. fine. Private cozy lunches, excessive messaging about non work related things, referring to each other as work wife and husband (given he is aware of your history), less fine. I'd also be asking to see his phone (including frequent contacts and looking at content of messages to check for deleted messages)

Jesus Christ, talk about an overreaction! The work colleague was just making a daft joke, he wasn't to know the history. (Also I think you've assumed the colleague was female based on your choice of words, interesting).

OP, your history is impacting on your present. The issue wasn't that your ex had a 'work wife', it was that he had an affair.

And people are getting really overwrought about the term. I used to work with a guy and would jokingly call him my work husband. We've moved jobs now but he's still one of my best friends. Also, he's gay.

The work colleague that said this to you was nothing but a nasty shit stirring bitch

I get it @NicoleJ9. Exh left me for his "work wife" who was 16 years younger than him. It's not something you just get over. Personally I'm done with relationships now because I feel my trust issues would make things very difficult, but good on you for not locking yourself away like I have.

Maybe some therapy would help?

If it’s no big deal he should have told you, he must have realised it would be worse to find out from someone else. An he also must have known something like this would be a issue for y, so why develop and encourage this work friendship

It's a stupid but common phrase when 2 people of opposite sex work together. It doesn't indicate a friendship never mind an affair. Just a man and women from same dept who attend the same meetings.

Your ex cheated, and that is awful. He cheated because he wanted to and so did she. Not because she was his "work wife"

I am amazed at the votes.

I do think your initial reaction is understandable given your past experience (which was awful) but I think, gently, You are overreacting here.

If he knows about your past he likely said nothing because he knew it would cause you upset even though it's nothing.

I would definitely try and talk to him calmly about this before throwing away what is otherwise a good relationship

He miggt not even view it that way.
Someone said thst to me and a lawyer I work with few years ago and we were both "🧐🧐🧐 WTF are you on about? " in our minds the other person who is a sdakeholder we work closely with who isn't a dick...not my "work spouse" 🤢🤮

100% agree. You set a boundary and he's ignored it, even if it seems silly to other people it isn't to you and that's what matters. I also find the idea of the work husband/wife disrespectful and have been cheated on with a work colleague, my current partner knows that's not something I joke around with.