DP’s ‘work wife’ will end my relationship

So you are going to sulk and punish him and possibly sabotage your whole relationship because he didn't tell you about a woman at work who is absolutely nothing to him in the romantic/emotional sense? He knew damned well that if he said 'there's this older woman at work, we get along, she 'manages' me like a work wife, she's nothing to me, but I'm telling you about her anyway, so you don't think I'm hiding it.' he'd have never heard the last of it.

Perhaps part of this woman's position is to manage his diary and support him in an administrative sense. The phrase work wife doesn't have to imply closeness on a personal level.

He doesn't owe you an explanation for something he hasn't even done, just in case you might suspect him of doing it later. He doesn't need your permission to have a matey relationship with his colleagues of any age or sex.

Why is a woman ‘approaching her 60s’ (the horror!) in a relationship with a younger man ‘a mess’? If it works for them that’s their business, surely?

What’s your cut off date for when women should put a bag over their heads and ceremonially detach from their vaginas?

Do you have the same cut off date for men?

You are feeling really hurt, understandably so. But not all work relationships are as awful as your exH. He is likely telling you the truth that he didn't tell you about his colleague because he didn't want to upset you.

You need time and space to think about it and it will depend on how he acts.

It is highly likely that he hasn't cheated, doesn't intend to cheat and won't cheat.

When you're ready then see if you can communicate your hurt to him and listen to his perspective. Maybe ask a trusted third party.

I hope you feel better soon x

I don’t know if there is an official definition. It does appear in the dictionary (see attached pic)

it’s typically supposed to be a platonic relationship closer than with other colleagues and that mirrors some of the aspects of a marriage for eg, more enjoying reaching others company, looking forward to seeing each other, playful joking, trust, disclosure of personal information etc
the problem is that as the OP found before, once the boundaries are blurred it can easily tip over into something not so platonic or at least an emotional affair where the person puts their work spouse ahead of their actual spouse

Are you upset because he has a female colleague he gets on well with or because his male colleague referred to her as a work wife? Either way, YABU.

You can’t reasonably be upset with him for having a female colleague that he’s friends with. If you think he’s a nice bloke then other people will too. It would be more worrying if he had no friends at work.

I have a male friend like this at work. He adores his partner and he’s a good person who I don’t believe would ever be unfaithful, but he’s still not allowed to go to work social events because of his partner’s insecurities and jealousy. It says nothing about him, or me, or any other work friends, but it does say a lot about her and not in a good way.

Can you meet the work wife? I've shared office space with male colleagues before and always made a point of getting to know their partners or at least an introduction so they knew I was no threat.

It could mean on the face of it no more than he is often with this woman, possibly because they work on the same projects, and people have said it as a joke. It doesn't necessarily mean they have any kind of non work relationship whatsoever.

Before yelling at someone that trust is broken and the relationship is over, perhaps find out.

Straight man here in relationship of 40+years. I'm 65.

Had a couple of female colleagues in the last 20+ years with whom I've been sufficiently friendly that we mutually confided in one another over family etc and have seen outside work for coffee or drinks/meals in the pub after work.

First of them is a bit younger, forties, and was regarded as 'phwoar' attractive. Serially monogamous. We worked together in various roles from 1989 until 2010 bit remained, and still are, in touch.

No spark with me. We were just friends although there was a frisson not present with male mates.

My Mother, born in 1926, who was aware of my friendship worried about it. She was though brought up in an era where women couldn't go to the pub alone and being out/about with a man who was not your husband was social death.

Other also younger, fifties, very happily married. We were pally in the office but thrown together in the pandemic WFH but chatting in Google. We both appreciated each other's company and support in those odd times. With hindsight we got too emotionally close after the pandemic and I wonder if colleagues thought we were 'going over the side together' but were not.

Again no spark but that frisson was there again.

In both cases my partner knew exactly what was happening and ribbed me incessantly about the other woman!! She has male friends, albeit some of them gay, and the ribbing is two way.

One of my kids, referencing the second, introduced me to the term 'work wife'.

In short, if one's significant other is going to 'play away' then they'll do it.

Just having a close friendship with a colleague of the opposite sex ain't bound to go that way. In fact I'd say far less so than meeting OW socially.

Just accept the friendship for what it is and ensure your DP is being open.

He admitted it was true but 'meant nothing' and then, despite it meaning nothing, lied. Oxymoronic to say the least.

YANBU

I’ve only heard of it when two colleagues who clearly fancy each other flirt all day.
think of Jonah and Amy in Superstore

OP said he looked sheepish and admitted it

That means at work he plays along with it in some shape or form, either as a joke or a close relationship that other people notice

We had a whole work 'family' - mum. wife, husband etc! There was nothing dodgy going on. I think it's quite a common phrase these days. My work wife was a woman and I'm not gay.

I do think people use it as a common expression - unfortunately because of your past experience it has negative connotations for you which this guy wouldn’t have known - I would just have a chat about it - you know your H best

You don't even know if she's a friend.

The OP might know that, but she hasn't told us.

yes I I know people are saying he is not your ex but he has lied to you and broken your trust, I think that enough would be the end for me as it would always be an insecurity. I think one of his colleagues mentioning it you is a way of giving you a heads up maybe- I have seen it before where it is casually mentioned -
not
saying for definite but strange thing for the colleague to mention I think

How does he "have a work wife"? Because other people say it? What's he supposed to do?

I mean, is it? Surely it's whatever whoever says it means by it. I've barely heard it but always assumed it meant two people who just have to work very closely together by nature of their job. Is there an accepted definition?

I don't understand what you mean here

If he knows about your past he likely said nothing because he knew it would cause you upset even though it's nothing.

Said nothing about what? The fact he has a "work wife" and plays along with the term when he knows how upsetting his DP would find it?? If he knows about her past he should just simply not have a work wife. It's not like he's compelled to have one to function in his job! The fact he both has one AND hides it isn't good

Most people only refer to two colleagues in this way if they perceive them as having a particularly close working relationship including sharing lunch and break times together. So it's not something that people just say about opposite sex colleagues working together. Plenty trying to minimise it, on this thread, but observations by colleagues are usually pretty accurate.

Also, he said he didn’t tell her to ‘protect’ her. You’ve got to ask yourself what else has he/ will he keep secret to protect her?

I’d feel exactly the same and completely understand why you are so upset. X

This isn’t about whether someone is having an affair or going to have an affair

This is about lying

If he lies about this then what else can he lie about.

The trust is gone

Exactly. He had no issues saying it because to him it wasn’t taboo, meaning your DP has never tried to discourage this discourse.

Frankly, I think you are being ridiculous.

It's a woman reworks closely with and there's zero indication in this instance instance that it's anything more than that.

They probably bounce work related ideas of each other at work and probably have skills that compliment each other.

Don't end an otherwise perfectly good relationship over a nonsense term given to them by someone else.

...but it means nothing and he was protecting me by not telling me.

Any man who lies or doesn't tell you things as you'd be upset, is one I wouldn't trust. There's no honesty there, just a desire for an easy life.