DP’s ‘work wife’ will end my relationship

A woman approaching 60 who had an affair with a married man almost 20 years her junior is not someone likely to be anything but someone who would live a bit of a messy situation.

by her age (when they started their affair) a together person wouldn’t have embarked on an affair with a married man.

he’s now about to hit prime mid life crisis age with a woman a whole lot older. He’s already demonstrated he is someone who can have his head turned so it’s very unlikely things are going to be tidy.

and forget its worth, I am a eiman approaching 60 and I’m certainly not some old fogey. I’m just not someone who would even consider sneaking off to hotels with a married man of any age let alone 30 years younger than me. Because I’m not someone comfortable with that level of sleazy deceit

To me the term work wife means a Secretary or PA. Someone who does all your admin and travel arrangements for example. Nothing more. Anything more is an affair.

I was once quite pleased when I was hassling my boss to get a report done that he said I was a worse nag than his mother.

You are having a visceral reaction because of the past.

I think it would be politic for him to arrange for you to meet his 'work wife' so you can get a second gut reaction.

I can see why you feel this way but I think the lemon that made the comment is likely just that, a lemon.

Wait and see what the work husband does next maybe and take it from there.

It's horrible that women are consigned to wife status at work as well as at home. Ugh.

He’s always said that he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position

I dunno how op is overreacting when the partner specifically said this when they discussed the topic. He put himself in this position and decided not to tell op because he knew he crossed a clear boundary. If he thought work wife is just a joke then he should have told her when they were discussing it.

It's really not that - no one refers to a colleague as their work wife/work husband if they don't work with them closely and frequently. Its far far more than simply working for the same department/attending the same meetings!

My sister had a 'work husband' for years - they'd go out on jobs together (working for a company that supplied services to events), spend hours in the truck together, he dropped everything to rush her to hospital when she hurt herself at work one time (the boss was just going to let her go by herself), he's been to her house to fix her boiler, they drink in the same pub...

Now his actual wife is now also a friend and not remotely threatened (and DIY jobs are strictly on the basis that his actual wife gets DIY at home done before he goes helping anyone else) - my sister being gay is probably a big factor in this not being a worry for his actual wife.

They don't work together any more and are now just friends.

I have never ever come across a 'work wife' situation where both parties JUST went to the same meetings/worked in the same department, it is always much much friendlier and closer than that (even if not quite to the extent of my sister and her friend!)

I would be pretty furious that he's acknowledged that this can be insulting to the actual partner, and been going along with this shit behind your back. That is not respectful, at all.

I think the problem is the massive lie he told at the start, when he told OP that "he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position". And then he either went ahead and put himself in that position (giving the lie to how he finds the term insulting), or was already in that position but pretended otherwise.

Either way, he is quite a big liar, and for me that would be the dealbreaker, rather than the work wife.

So world therapy say the stats are 85 perc of affairs for married people start at work. I can't copy link but easily googled. I presuming you can't actually have an affair with your wife, so maybe work wife's are no risk to your relationship.

Are you sure he wasn’t joking?

I don’t think I know of anyone over the age of 25 who uses that phrase in a serious way and even if they did, there’s no way someone would go and tell the partner.

Sounds like he was taking the mick because the woman is older and was just having a bit of banter at DHs expense.

Your ex cheated on you because he’s a dick.
But this is not correlated at all.
You need to find a way to trust your DP and not blame him for something that your ex did.

I was trying to find some research on this too. I would guess it's high but didn't want to post without some facts.

Can't believe people telling you you're overreacting or have trust issues, OP! No, your partner has lied and overstepped your boundaries and broken your trust.

There are a lot of women on here who have no standards or self-respect when it comes to men. They're the ones who will tell you to put up with someone lying to you and hurting you. I would ignore them and listen to your gut.

I'd love to see statistic on how many work wives/husbands turned into affair partners (full on affair, emotional affair or crossing the line to inappropriateness)

I have two 'work wives'- one of them is a woman and she regularly calls me her work wife- we work extremely closely together and bounce ideas off each other. The other is a man, who is my deputy. We're actually good friends, a decade plus apart in age. He's been married for a decade, and I know his wife quite well. We do message outside of work, but about work and stuff (like I said yesterday that he and his wife should watch X on Netflix) but we have never ever talked about our marriages to each other. We are pretty good friends but there is zero sexual/romantic spark.

What does that term even mean? I have worked with many men in my career (it is a male dominated field) . Some I have been closer to than others. It never crossed into anything other than a mild friendship - friendly colleagues but nothing close enough to be friends outside of work. Occasional jovial messages maybe. I’d find it weird to be described as someone’s work wife. I’d find it insulting to my husband as well. He knows all my colleagues by name even if he hasn’t met them as I talk about work a lot to him so no work relationship with a colleague would ever come as a surprise to him and v.v.

The colleague I'm closest to is a man (we share an office). You know what I call him? Colleague, work friend or if feeling whimsical then work roomie or work bestie. Never work husband. I just find the entire concept ridiculous.

I understand that for a lot of people it means nothing, but op has brought up this very specific scenario and partner still decided to entertain this whole thing.

YANBU.

He's not your ex, but you discussed this happening and hurting you in the past, he said he doesn't like the term/dynamic. And yet, he still did it.

Did you tell him you don't need protecting but honesty? He sounds up himself for that comment.

I'm called a work wife as have been supporting the same man in his role for 30 years. In no way do I want to be his actual wife! It's just a term people use and it's not always sinister. If there's no other red flags I'd move on and trust him.

You probably should ask questions...

That's an interesting comment.

I've given the 'frisson' thing in platonic relationships with the opposite sex quite a bit of thought going back it being a thing in house shares in the eighties.

It's exactly that; a thing.

My OH says she's felt the same about men.

YANBU, to a certain extent. You have unresolved trauma, and the fact that someone told you your DP has a work wife touched that nerve.
I do think this calls for a conversation with him. He knows about your previous relationship, so he should understand where your insecurities are coming from. But I wouldn't dwell on it too much, because trauma from previous relationships can create havoc in the next ones, to the point where you might drive your partner away. Bear in mind that we can't control the uncontrollable, everyone has coworkers they might be close to, and that doesn't mean getting romantically/sexually involved. And maybe this would be a great time to work on yourself in order to heal. Trauma can be unbelievably challenging, but it's not impossible to heal. Do it for yourself, and for your relationship.

This guy was giving OP the heads up.

The term doesn't have some legal definition or precise meaning and is used to cover a spectrum of relationships observed in the work place but commonly:

1. It is a label others give the relationship after observing the two people involved. Rarely do the people involved use the label.
2. It generally implies a closeness that is not usual to all the working relationships. Doing things for each other that are not specifically in job descriptions or not always just about work activities,
3. It's rarely a positive label. It's usually used in a joking way to mask disapproval of perceived bias or a relationship excluding others,
4. It's usually surrounded with speculation as to how far the role of 'wife' is going or has gone,
5. It is often used as a way in conversation of telling actual spouses that their spouse has an unusually close working relationship with a member of the opposite sex,
6. It's a rubbish label for someone and it's meant to be. It's only used in a condescending or mocking way, even if well hidden, to mask judgement colleagues are making.
7. Sometimes people try and explain it as they help organise the man's life at work like their wife does at home (that sort of rubbish idea) but it's not about that for most people when they use the term. It's about perceived closeness and intimacy of work colleagues.

What do you mean when you say “he admitted it”? What did he admit?

Well he did, and men can be quite vindictive too, even when they are being polite. Maybe he fancies this woman? It's a horribly offensive, degrading term to both your partner and the woman concerned and this guy knew it.

And you know this because how? He told you? He told you that she’s not allowing him?
see this level of personal disclosure is not appropriate with a work colleague and suggests the wife is not the one with the problem.
you also seem heavily invested and too emotional in your use of negative language about the wife for someone who is happy being ‘just’ a colleague’.

@Bromptotoo I’m sure you are a nice guy but plenty of women wouldn’t really like it if their bloke of longstanding sits there deciding if there is ‘some kind of frisson’ it almost implies if there was you would be happy to go along with it .