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Original poster

DP’s ‘work wife’ will end my relationship

208 replies

NicoleJ9 · 07/05/2025 15:02

I need to start this by explaining that my previous relationship ended because my ex had a ‘work wife’ which developed into more than a friendship between colleagues. She was quite a bit older than him (50 compared to him being early 30’s) and he said he fell for her. Overnight work trips were actually them spending nights together in hotels. He disappeared on the morning of my birthday saying he could only get a half day from work when he was actually at her house. This was denied for a long time until I caught him out and he confessed. It broke me and it took years to build up to dating again.

I’ve been with current DP for just over a year. He is brilliant and knows all about what happened in the past and how hurt I was. He’s always said that he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position (he does have a corporate office job).

DP and I were out at the weekend and saw one of his colleagues out who came over and had a chat. He was perfectly polite and they were having a laugh about work. His colleague said ‘I saw X out earlier’ and turned to me and said ‘have you met her yet, that’s his work wife. Don’t worry, she’s old enough to be his Mum’. I laughed and said no and my DP looked incredibly sheepish and moved the conversation on.

DP admitted when his colleague had left that this was true but it means nothing and he was protecting me by not telling me. I went home immediately and told him I need space. We’ve not spoken properly since and I am still devastated.

I feel as though I must end the relationship. I don’t have anyone in real life I’m comfortable in confiding in at the moment, do you think I’m being over the top?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 07/05/2025 17:43

I've got a very close friend at work.

Someone once referred to me jokingly as his work wife and I pointed put I was more like his work mum as I'm 17 years older (50 and 33).

It's a really naff expression but, tbh, I'd feel a bit uncomfortable with being described as a 'work wife' because he has a wife and it just feels disrespectful.

Someone2025 · 07/05/2025 17:42

wildlifeobserver1 · 07/05/2025 17:28

Does your DP refer to her as ‘work wife’ at work/to her? Or does he refute the term.

I think for me that’s what would make the difference

Does your DP refer to her as ‘work wife’ at work/to her

Nobody does this

Applesonthelawn · 07/05/2025 17:42

It's a ridiculous and hurtful term. I have a friend at work who has been called my work husband. We've helped each other out a lot over the years and know a lot about each other. In a million years we would never be more than friends. I'm 10 years older than him anyway.

WhatdoesitmeanKeith · 07/05/2025 17:42

lazycats · 07/05/2025 15:17

Is ‘work wife’ a common term? I e never heard it outside of this forum

Unfortunately yes @lazycats

Someone2025 · 07/05/2025 17:40

dogcatkitten · 07/05/2025 16:07

I think the phrase 'work wife' is designed to cause trouble, I would suspect anyone using it of being a real stirrer. How embarrassing would it be for some idiot to call you that just because you work closely with a man (who you may not even like but get on with for the sake of the job). And saying it to someone's partner is just nasty.

Agree

Mummaonherown · 07/05/2025 17:39

I get it, my ex cheated on me too, I'm no where near dating (and I thought I was) and it's been months now.
However, you can't let your past dictate your future, communication is the only way forwards.

Good luck

EggnogNoggin · 07/05/2025 17:35

Why can't he have a work wife apart from your insecurities?

I had a work husband... whilst working with my actual husband! DH had no interest in gossiping about the rest of the team or talking about stupid things that we both found funny. We regularly went to lunch without DH and he couldn't care less.

It's only a threat if he acts inappropriately. Last week you had a perfectly happy relationship. You still do. He only lied because you were being ott.

MarkingBad · 07/05/2025 17:32

AthWat · 07/05/2025 16:30

You don't even know if she's a friend.

The OP might know that, but she hasn't told us.

Show quote history

So someone close enough to someone to be termed workwife by colleagues isn't a work friend what else is she?

CiaoMeow · 07/05/2025 17:31

I do think you need to find out more and dig deeper OP before doing anything drastic. There's only half a story here. What does he have to say about it?

rrrrrreatt · 07/05/2025 17:29

What did your DP admit - that he describes this woman as his work wife or that they’re friends? There’s a big difference between the two.

I have a male work friend that colleagues say is my work husband but I would never describe our relationship like that. He already has a wife and I already have a husband, those positions are not vacant in our lives.

Could his situation be similar - an innocent friendship that others choose to frame with heteronormative language?

wildlifeobserver1 · 07/05/2025 17:28

Does your DP refer to her as ‘work wife’ at work/to her? Or does he refute the term.

I think for me that’s what would make the difference

Caravaggiouch · 07/05/2025 17:25

I don’t think you’d be giving this a second thought if it wasn’t for your experience with your ex.

ItGhoul · 07/05/2025 17:24

MissDoubleU · 07/05/2025 15:46

In contrast to PP, your DP knew how upsetting and traumatic it would be for him to daly around with another woman at his place of work and call her his “work wife.”

He could have shut this down at any time. He didn’t. He just hoped OP would t find out about it while he and everyone else continued this fun little “joke.”

I would be deeply betrayed by my own DP in this situation, who has also expressed to me this is not something he would engage in. His colleagues are his colleagues or if appropriate also his friends, regardless of gender.

He didn't call her his work wife! His colleague used that term, not him. And we have no idea if he is 'dallying' rather than just getting along well with a colleague.

My DP's ex-partner left him for someone she met at work, and obviously he was devastated by that. But he doesn't use that as a way to police my good friendships with my colleagues, because that would be jealous and controlling and unfair.

winter8090 · 07/05/2025 17:24

Unfortunately we’re shaped by experiences and that is true here.
But your DP is not your ex. I suggest meeting to talk this through as soon as possible.
Would him not being in touch suggest there are other issues?
I’ve heard my boss refer to me as his work wife. I can 100% guarantee there is nothing in that. Just a way to describe the purely work related relationship we have.

JoyousEagle · 07/05/2025 17:23

Sounds like something other people at work have referred to, your DP doesn’t like it, and hasn’t mentioned it.
I’ve had someone referred to as my work husband before, by other people at work. It was nonsense. I didn’t like it, I didn’t encourage the term being used and didnt refer to myself as his work wife. And I never heard him use those terms either. But some people in an office are annoying and like to make these sorts of comments.

GarlicPile · 07/05/2025 17:22

Same same, @Teenybub. When colleagues' partners have said "Oh, you're his work wife!" I've replied something like "Urgh, cringe." But, apart from pulling a face when other colleagues said it, I haven't made it into a big deal.

In this particular case, though, the DP should have told his partner about it. His sin isn't having a good working relationship, it's choosing to keep OP in the dark.

AthWat · 07/05/2025 17:22

Rewis · 07/05/2025 17:13

He’s always said that he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position

I dunno how op is overreacting when the partner specifically said this when they discussed the topic. He put himself in this position and decided not to tell op because he knew he crossed a clear boundary. If he thought work wife is just a joke then he should have told her when they were discussing it.

Edited

What position did he put himself in and how?

Muffinmam · 07/05/2025 17:21

He’s not your ex. You can’t let this destroy you.

I do know what you’re going through - but this isn’t enough for it to be a red flag.

SunnySideDeepDown · 07/05/2025 17:21

I’ve been in office jobs for over 15 years and I’ve never had a “work husband”. The only people I know who did this were outrageous flirts who were probably shagging.

Im sorry OP that you’ve been unlucky to have two immature men in a row.

It’s such a strange concept, why can’t they just be normal workmates? Why do they have to cross the boundary when you’re not around? What kind of wet blanket needs constant flirting and and “looking after” at work?

If tell him that his dishonesty is a problem you’re not willing to work through.

Find someone who is normal. Goes to work, works hard, has a few chats, comes home. The drama isn’t worth it.

AthWat · 07/05/2025 17:20

whitewineandsun · 07/05/2025 16:50

YANBU.

He's not your ex, but you discussed this happening and hurting you in the past, he said he doesn't like the term/dynamic. And yet, he still did it.

Did you tell him you don't need protecting but honesty? He sounds up himself for that comment.

What did he "do"? What actual thing has he "done" here apart from have someone else use a phrase about him?

maddening · 07/05/2025 17:19

He could refer to her as his work mum?

Blondiebeachbabe · 07/05/2025 17:18

Do not treat him like he is your Ex!

I fully understand why your wall has gone up. My first H cheated on me loads, and honestly it broke me.

I left him and quickly got into a relationship with my now DH. For the first few YEARS (Yes, years) I didn't trust him, and I was paranoid about everything. I would check his phone, hate him going out etc. We've been together for 17 years now, and in all that time he has never behaved like my Ex.

Don't ruin a good thing, or your Ex is winning AGAIN.

Teenybub · 07/05/2025 17:18

Moondropmum · 07/05/2025 15:27

100% agree. You set a boundary and he's ignored it, even if it seems silly to other people it isn't to you and that's what matters. I also find the idea of the work husband/wife disrespectful and have been cheated on with a work colleague, my current partner knows that's not something I joke around with.

Show quote history

Im not sure about this, DP hasn’t said it. The term work wife makes me cringe, I have a friend at work that people at work joke is my work husband, it isn’t a phrase I would use and neither has he, we’ve been friends 10 years and there has never been a suggestion of anything more. When people say it I don’t argue it or comment because I think it would draw unnecessary attention to it, it’s possible that her DP thinks the same, and realistically if someone else says it is he going to turn around and say his partners ex relationship details… or just brush off the comment?

Bestfadeplans · 07/05/2025 17:18

I can see where you're coming from. But I'd need to know more. I find those nicknames incredibly cringe and immature.

GarlicPile · 07/05/2025 17:17

orangedream · 07/05/2025 16:08

...but it means nothing and he was protecting me by not telling me.

Any man who lies or doesn't tell you things as you'd be upset, is one I wouldn't trust. There's no honesty there, just a desire for an easy life.

I agree. You are hyper-vigilant about the 'work wife' situation for reasons you've explained. This isn't particularly rational but I imagine we all have sensitive spots where we've been hurt. You told your DP about it, he said it wasn't a problem for him.

Now you find he's got no problem with it because he hides it from you! This speaks of an absolutely terrible approach to conflict avoidance.

When we ask our partners to refrain from certain behaviours and they agree, we expect them to refrain - or to discuss it with us. "I am doing the thing that upsets you, so I'm not going to tell you" isn't a solution, it's a problem.

If everything else in your relationship is rosy, I hope you and he can talk about the implications of lying by omission.

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