DP’s ‘work wife’ will end my relationship

Has he been doing it? Or has he admitted to the fact that other people have been doing it?

YANBU.

I'd have a big problem with anyone who justified lying to me as doing me some kind of favor. We see what his "favor" did for you. And it's BS anyway. He's lying to you to make things easy on himself. And that's with the most generous possibility we can give him now, which is that there actually isn't anything going on between him and his "work wife."

But it wouldn't be especially smart to give the benefit of doubt to someone who has just been caught lying, would it? Also, I notice he didn't tell you himself. You only found out because someone else accidentally outed him. So he's quite capable of carrying on an ongoing lie, lying repeatedly rather than just once.

I think it's safe to say that his way of being in the world is to allow himself to lie to his partner whenever honesty might create a hassle for him. That's not a great trait.

I also have a problem, in a more general sense, of the idea that you're supposed to believe that a woman wouldn't be sexually desired just because she's older. I really doubt that person would have dismissed that person as eligible for romantic or sexual interest if the older person was male. I'm sure that's not the main issue on your mind right now, but, your past experience aside, the misogyny there gave me an additional dose of ick.

I don't know what you should do but I definitely think you're right to have serious doubts about him now. Now watch for further attempts to gaslight you. Good luck.

What did he "admit" to? "Yes, I have a work wife"? That's not even a thing! Have they both agreed that they are "work wife" and "work husband"? I mean if so, then they are all irredeemably stupid and childish anyway, so she might as well leave him.

I imagine he admitted to the fact that some people have said those words in the past. I'd like to know exactly what he admitted to and what the relationship is before I go telling someone the trust in their relationship is irrevocably lost.

I think it’s more the phrase ‘work wife’ which triggered you. The colleague wasn't to know that.

’Work wife’ in our company literally mean someone who is female and works closely throughout the day / talks to a male. It doesn’t mean anything more in usual day to day situations.
DP probably cringed when he heard the term because of your trauma. I don’t think this is anything to worry about.

But the OP did communicate. She was clear about the things that bothered her and her partner said he agreed. Then he did everything the OP said she found unacceptable and lied about it.

She doesn't know what kind of relationship it is because HE HAS BEEN LYING to her and hasn't told her about this colleague.

What suggests it's inappropriate is the fact that her partner has ADMITTED TO LYING to her about it.

The OP would probably love to have communicated about this but she couldn't because she didn't know it was happening because her partner LIED TO HER ABOUT IT.

For me, the issue isn’t someone using the term ‘work wife’. It would be him saying he felt it was disrespectful and wouldn’t put himself in that position, but has been doing it.

That’s a weird lie, and the usual “I did it to protect your feelings” explanation doesn’t fit.

I would be upset because he acknowledged he lied to you to avoid you getting upset but he didn’t shut that nonsense down to ensure you wouldn’t be upset. It’s clearly terminology people have used about them before and he should have just said actually I don’t really like the whole work wife/husband thing.

With kindness, I think your past is catching up with you here. While I don’t like the term work wife you have no idea the kind of relationship it’s being used for here, for example do they frequently work on projects together or take it in turns to make the tea. There’s currently nothing that suggests it’s anything inappropriate so while I understand your worry I wouldn’t be throwing an otherwise healthy relationship away based on my own fears and assumptions. Communication will be key to seeing if you can navigate this.

It’s understandable that you’d be triggered but really don’t throw the relationship away. He’s not your ex.

Yabu but understandably so. Your oh should have told him not to call her that. It’s a ridiculous thing to call a work colleague anyway. You need to talk it through with him.
Although your ex went of with an older woman, it would be rare I imagine. It’s unlikely there’s any vibe between them or the colleague would not have mentioned it or said not to worry as she was older. Meeting the colleague too might help.

Thank you.

So, dh's got a very close relationship with a woman at work, so much so, that colleagues think of them as a couple of sorts. DH hid that from his wife. OP finds that upsetting. Go figure.

I dont think that's what "don't fuck the help" means. It's a revolting phrase, reminiscent of Lord of the manor not knocking up the servants. In modern day version, don't screw the babysitter. Delightful

I can see why you’re upset. He should have just explained he’s not comfortable with the term. Or made a joke and said, “Actually I’m gay at work. Phil is my work husband.” Or something. Anything other than just let it go when it’s so clearly upsetting for you.

This again seems a massive overreaction. Obviously if it made you uncomfortable he needed to stop but you 'threatened to tell his wife and your husband'? Tell them what?! That he called you wifey? Jeezo. And saying he wouldn't have a chance 😂Someone thinks a lot of themself.

And if you know someone has a specific trust issue after a traumatic betrayal -that they fully disclose- and you’re a decent partner, you allay any fears as necessary because you know they’ve been badly hurt, don’t trust easily, and need transparency to build confidence. It’s hard to convey just how utterly crushing a complete betrayal of trust is to someone who hasn’t experienced that rug being absolutely pulled out from under you. Hiding stuff just triggers that terrifying suspicion, that dread of being utterly fucked over again in the same way. It’s obviously inconvenient baggage that you both have to deal with, and sure it may not be rational, but if you love and respect someone then you support them by being open. Unless of course, you have something to hide.

When the colleague said partner had a work wife, partner said it was true. Therefore acknowledging it himself. I mean, He's also had the option to correct the colleague saying that him and Jane are just colleagues. and again I'm not saying he's cheating or that op should leave him. I'm just a bit confused on why it is not OK for op to be upset.

His colleague called her his "work wife". If you like your job in the corporate world you don't get that close.

Why lie? Because the OP probably couldn’t deal with it rationally. Which she’s shown here.

YANBU. It’s not an issue that he has a female colleague, or even that he’s friends with her. It’s that he clearly has a “work wife” ( as described by his own colleagues!) and decided not to disclose this to you, not for your benefit, but to prevent having to answer any questions about her and make things awkward for him. It’s the lie that’s the issue, the concealing of information that he bloody well KNEW you’d want to know. That’s the issue here. Regardless of whether or not she’s a “threat”, his deceit has understandably shaken your trust. Because if there was really nothing going on then… why lie??

Yanbu my partner had a saying don't fuck the help. The corporate world is prolific for cheating wife's and husbands because they are away a lot. With people like that they slowly push them out of the company.

He outright lied.

Even though they aren't doing anything wrong he was caught up in a lie.

Ugh sorry I lost your quote @AthWat

It's very commonly used in offices I've worked in, it's usually used to denote a very close, supportive, friendship that has been noticably different to the normal colleague interactions. Doesn't mean they are having an affair, but demonstably close as to be viewed as like a married couple.

Cambridge dictionary has a good definition.

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/work-spouse

I don’t understand what DP has done wrong. He hadn’t told OP about this lady because he knew he’d get this reaction - she’s punishing him for something her ex did, not him.
It is really corrosive bringing these issues into the next relationship. If this DP is a decent man he’s been treated appallingly here. If I were him I would take my leave.

If other than this everything is good then talk to him and listen. See what he says. If you still want to walk then walk.

An ex colleague of mine used to refer to me as his work wife, we weren’t close, we didn’t even work together often. We worked shifts and he was on the opposite shift, occasionally one of us would do overtime on the opposite shift. FWIW I was senior to him. He just started calling me ‘wifey’, no idea why or when it started. He stopped after I told him (first informally and then formally) that I was uncomfortable with it and that he wouldn’t have a chance. I also threatened (informally) to tell his wife and my husband. In my situation I was horrified and it wasn’t anything more than a twat of a colleague. I hadn’t encouraged it in any way. I understand that you have been hurt but I do wonder if he might be innocent in this as I was.