DP’s ‘work wife’ will end my relationship

How are things going now, @NicoleJ9?

The thing is OP’s partner hasn’t called this lady his work wife, a colleague has. That’s not his fault or responsibility.
While we all have sensitivities you cannot bring this stuff into another relationship. Go and get therapy. Deal with it.
This man hasn’t done anything wrong expect not want to tell his partner he works alongside an older female colleague. His work is his work. End of.
If it were the other way round we would be telling a woman her partner was controlling.

I'll start by saying that YANBU to be annoyed with your partner. He shouldn't have lied. That was stupid of him, though one can see why he wouldn't have wanted to talk about it, given your history. However, you'd be unreasonable to pre-emptively end a relationship for this reason alone, imo. I'd imagine that people at your partner's workplace started calling this woman his "work wife", and rather than cause awkwardness by demanding that they not use that term, he just went along with it. Either that or he was only humouring you when he told you he disliked the term. Again, I'd be hurt that he lied, and I also dislike the whole "work wife" thing. It's not funny to me. But I still wouldn't end an otherwise good relationship over something that is probably nothing.

Your partner needs to apologise and understand why the lie was unacceptable. I'd say you should meet this woman. See the two of them together to allay your fears.

I think that’s the loosest argument I’ve ever seen on here 😂

OP did you speak with your dh ?

he was protecting me by not telling me

This is the problematic bit. He's admitting he's been lying to you - and on top of that, he's saying it's YOUR fault he's been doing so. I'd end the relationship for that.

If shes old enough to be his mum, check that out. I have been in workplaces with older women that love to call themselves work wife / work mums and it helps the day tick along. Then everyone picks up on the terminology and call them that.

Fyi I would not be happy if my other half had a work wife. Its not appropriate. But might be more of a mumsy thing, not helpful when your previous partner left for a lady old enough to be his mum, but most men tend to go for younger / same age in a midlife crisis / turned head situation.

@NicoleJ9, your Partner feels entitled to (1) pretend to agree with your boundary (2) lie by omission when he is actually crossing said boundary and (3) blame you for his dishonesty because you need ‘protection’ when it is actually a self-serving tactic.

Lying is a dealbreaker for me, so it would be game over.

You need to talk to your DP.

This might be a term they use freely at that workplace, which is not instigated or perpetuated by him.

Someone called me and a male colleague work wife / husband because we were in a lot of the same meetings together and similar specialisms - we didn't mind, we saw the humour in it. No one thought we were having an affair.

You are projecting your past onto this current scenario which is completely separate (although admittedly, triggering for you).

Yep

Does he refer to this woman as a work wife or is it just something his colleagues have decided to call her? Some people can’t get their head around men and women being friends and insist on stupid terms such as work wife. Talk to your DP.

Yet another thread that polarises opinion, turns into a long thread and the OP (always a first time poster) doesn't come back after the first post or two.

What is it with all these threads lately? Half the threads I'm on seem to follow the same pattern. It's almost like they've been planted as click bait.

Your first husband was a cheater and use the (outdated term) to throw you off the scent. You need to deal with that before you worry about anything else

This. I was for years in what some people today might call a "work wife" situation. There was no sexual or romantic attraction between my male colleague and me; we just got along brilliantly in a meeting of minds and did some really good work. And no, I was not his handmaid; our jobs were roughly equal. I think it's a beautiful thing when these connections happen.

All of us, every day, operate on various wavelengths. These might be collegial, intellectual, familial, erotic. IME, mostly, in the workplace, it's collegial. What a shame that some people today feel the need to genderise these relationships.

I've been a 'work wife' before. Truthfully, the term exists because of the alliteration. Work wife. It's easy to say.

A work wife is someone you work closely with. It's not necessarily someone you want to shag and/or have babies with. It's platonic.

Truthfully, work sibling, work parent or work cousin-I-get-on-really-well-with-even-thought-we're-not-actually-that-close-relatives-on-paper would also accurately capture the relationship. It just doesn't sound as catchy.

Your DP has said he thinks the term is disrespectful. You can find a label disrespectful, but not the underlying reality.

I'm sorry you have a shitty ex, but your DP's work wife is going to end your relationship. Your past hurt is.

If your DP was actually having an affair with his work wife, do you honestly think his colleagues wouldn't have picked up on it? Do you honestly think they'd make comments about her in front of you?

It's more likely that DP has a work wife situation and, mindful of your past, doesn't call this woman his work wife. But doesn't mean he doesn't work closely with a colleague.

From my experience these spidey senses often are spot on.
Or, you are being a little paranoid, but if that’s the case probably not the right timw for you to be in a relationship?

He could have dealt with it in a myriad of ways but instead chose to lie and made the OP the excuse for him choosing to lie. It's often the lying that hurts most, after all this "work wife" is just a colleague he gets along with well, surely he'd want OP to know about the people he values even if they are just friendly colleagues?

What does this lie profit anyone. If his work friend is a work friend, then why hide it? OP is a relatively new partner, why would it matter if OP left him over a colleague he gets along with. It would be easier to take the fear out of his work relationships by being open and honest than keeping her a secret and making it look suspicious to someone already on alert.

I'm in no way suggesting OP's DP is having a thing with the other person in any of this even if his choices are badly thoght through. It warrants a discussion about his choices to hide things he knows may upset OP rather than an LTB situation.

We all need to learn to trust and build trust, it's one of the hardest things to gain and the easiest thing to lose. Why put yourself in a situation where you are more likely to lose trust than build it by being transparent about the people in your life.

Pardon me could you point out exactly where I "yelled at someone that trust is broken and relationship is over"??

I said it wasn't good and that much is clear from his sheepish reaction and his admission of something. Clearly OP felt whatever he admitted to wasn't comfortable for her relationship. That might simply be that he didn't shut down other people's comments out of respect to his relationship. May I remind you that you are also filling in with your own imagination and perhaps YOU should find out exactly what he was sheepish about!

I honestly cannot believe some of the rubbish being written here. He has confessed to what? Working with a woman in his office? And people advising OP to dump him - everyone's definition of this ridiculous phrase is different! To be honest, I think he should run a mile from the OP if she is not capable of working out for herself what she wants/needs to do. He is guilty of looking sheepish? Jeez.

Hate the term. Produces a visceral hatred in me.
It's like a massive overstep at work and givs me massive ick. A manager tried saying it with another manager, he quickly shot her down and told her not to use that term

@NicoleJ9 Its not about the 'work-wife' or your ex or you being insecure. He knew this was a sore spot for you. He went all out explaining he finds the term disrespectful. And then you find out it is a term he openly uses about a colleague.

So he lied. Made up a false value.
I wouldn't trust him. He's willing to tell you anything to win you over. Not based on reality.

This.
Dishonest of him.

We use work wife/husband for people at work who bicker alot?

YANBU

For me its the fact that he lied about it.

Despite knowing everything.

He lied.

It’s still a very odd thing for his colleague to say. I don’t know many people who would think it perfectly normal to have a “work wife”, or anyone who would think it was acceptable to make that kind of comment to a colleague’s partner. It connotes a level of personal intimacy, even if it is platonically innocent.

Knowing your past and how badly you were hurt, your partner should be apologising to you profusely and going above and beyond to reassure you and make up for what must have been an awful night for you.