I’m a jealous person

You need to develop tunnel vision, keeping your eyes straight ahead on your own life, child (if you have one) and achievements rather than looking left and right all the time to check what's happening in your sisters life. Its difficult as its changing the habit of a lifetime, but you need to train yourself to do it. So everytime you start dwelling on your sister, force your thoughts to something you're happy with in your own life.You have no control whatsoever about what her life looks like, but you can, with work, control how much headspace you allow that to occupy. Distract yourself. Do something you love. Take an interest in other things and let them crowd out the jealous thoughts.

I agree that this needs professional help. Your parents probably have a lot to answer for.

I don't often get jealous. There is nothing about both you and your sister getting a PhD - well bloody done btw to both of you - that requires bad feeling from you. A rising tide lifts all boats. Nobody will base their decision to have a child on your feelings, not ever. Lose that idea immediately, it's completely pointless.

Someone's paper getting promoted above yours might be irritating. That would annoy me. Men do get promoted more than women sometimes. What you might need to do is to promote yourself more, and that way challenge the patriarchy a little. Not fair that you may have to do that, but realistic.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria has been a really bloody useful thing for me to learn about. Some of your reactions sound very similar. Give it a google and see if anything clicks there.

But seriously: jealousy is the most pointless emotion. Parents are crap, employers are insensitive, everyone wants to better themselves, some people have more money or beauty, possessions are empty of meaning, babies are born daily and the world keeps turning: none of these things are worth taking personally.

Well, you have two choices — either you start hanging around solely with childfree people you consider underachievers, which means you need to request a full CV from every potential acquaintance to check it for the right level of lack of qualification, and you ditch longterm friends and family when they have newer and more exciting babies or write newer and more exciting papers, OR you change your mindset.

Why can you do about this? Maybe try to think about how you'd feel if your sister was unhappy? Won't it be nice that your children are of a similar age?

Very difficult to understand this. What do you think is the root cause? Do your parents encourage competition between you?

Was your sister the favourite child growing up OP?
This sounds horribly painful for you

Believe me it’s worse the other way around. I have a sister who has had a tough life and also
can’t have kids and is deeply unhappy and depressed. I would be so happy if she was just about to have a PHD and a baby. Count your blessings, OP.

I think you need professional help to overcome this. A relative of mine was jealous of me in this way and it destroyed the relationship between us.

I read recently that jealous thoughts can be closely connected to OCD. Is this you OP, if so maybe look at approaches for that.

Fake it til you make it. I used to be a jealous person. I was honestly eaten up sometimes, it was always my first thought, why has she managed that and not me etc.

I decided to start being outwardly supportive. Even if it's killing you internally, you call her up and say "that's amazing, I'm SO excited that you did xyz. Well done." Or you pre-empt somebody else saying she's pretty and you feeling by jealous by saying "wow you look so pretty". You jump the gun and open with praise.

It honestly works.

Is it just with your sister or everyone? I was jealous just across the board - but my faking compliments and faking being positive about everybody else somehow actually stuck in my brain.

Now, mostly, when I compliment people to their faces, I genuinely am way less bothered and am actually happy for them.

I know a few women who have a sister close in age that they are competitive with like this. It’s constant. It was in school and it is now with their kids. who did it first. Who did it fastest etc etc.

Everyone gets jealous but few admit to it

Did your parents play you off against each other and set up a sort of rivalry dynamic?

Have to say that being jealous of your sister having a newer baby than you is a bit strange, it is because the attention is likely to shift temporarily from you and your baby to her and her baby

Is it craving attention more than jealousy, wanting to be seen as someone special?

To be fair I think jealousy can also make you aware of what you already have that is meaningful to you - which is sort of the true meaning of jealous which we now use more in a sense of envy.

I can understand that op might have felt proud of her phd and her sister having one might make it feel less “ special.” ( It isn’t; you just come from a family who share values op).

But the baby thing I really don’t get. No one has a baby for it to be a showpiece. A baby is a person in and of themselves and cannot be duplicated, equalled or bettered.

I think jealousy is a natural reaction. It’s good that you’ve recognised it. I feel jealous at times but I choose to ignore it as I want to feel happy for people and their achievements. I don’t think anyone can honestly say that they don’t ever get any jealous feelings (even if fleeting). Maybe you could speak to a therapist or counsellor?

Your sister having a baby wouldn’t make your child any less special - you need to remind yourself of this.

Is there something going on with your family dynamic where you feel she was treated differently as a child or growing up? Was she treated differently? Or were you the favoured one and now feel things have changed?

What are the specific things that you are jealous about by your sister getting pregnant? You said that her baby will be newer than hers, what do you think will happen than yours will no longer be loved by family because they are older? What’s fueling these feelings

This is a really strange version of jealousy. I came on to say, jealousy helps you understand what matters to you, what you really want. But you are jealous of someone achieving what you already have!

Are you jealous of someone else having the limelight? Are you jealous because the achievements that made you feel special are diluted if other people achieve them? Is it specific to your sister- do you tend to feel competitive with her?

One cure, if you want one, is to look beneath the cause of the jealousy to the underlying desired emotional state. E.g. I wanted to be the special one who had a baby/phD because then people would take notice of me and admire me. When people take notice of me and admire me, I feel....

Whatever that underlying feeling is: loved, valued, secure, worthwhile, validated etc, it's the key to banishing jealousy. Identify it snd then ask yourself: what other ways can I access this great feeling? Look for ways that aren't dependent on other people's reactions or opinions. Build your own opinions of yourself that create the same effect.

Have you considered therapy for these feelings ? It's a horrible way to live.

At first I could hardly believe this post was serious but, honestly OP, do you think you should be the only person to achieve anything in your family? In the world?
However, if you find this kind of thing hard to accept, perhaps you do need some kind of counselling or therapy - otherwise where will it end? Her house is bigger/more expensive than yours? Her kid got into an equally prestigious school or university?…… On the other hand perhaps you can console yourself with the fact that you did these things first!

I’m sorry oP but the baby comment is really disturbing.

I can’t tell if you have a baby already that you feel is somehow going to be an “ outdated model” or if you are thinking ahead to the future or what. But the baby bit you need help with. Children aren’t this season’s accessories .

Are you ready for a new challenge work or study wise (re PhD)?

I think a bit of sibling rivalry is pretty common especially if both high achievers.

What's your outward and ongoing reaction, congratulating her, happy you're both doing well, and getting on with your life after a little blip of realisation that she's catching you up? Or, are you hoping she's found plagiarising and considering setting off the sprinklersat her graduation? If you find this rivalry affects you more than it should, get some CBT, it was probably more about your childhood than anything innate, even if your parents did their best.

Otherwise, is her completing her PhD perhaps coinciding with you maybe needing a new challenge yourself and the feelings are getting confused?

You don’t get the monopoly on PhDs in your family….. Oh I’ve been to Uni so you can’t do it too

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xmkCmJtK6X8

All the advice you need in one episode of Bluey. Run your own race x

The only person you're hurting with your jealousy is you. You will never be happy if you're constantly comparing yourself to others. Get some counselling to address this, jealousy stems from low self-esteem and insecurity.

Is it just your sister you’re jealous or anyone?
either way jealousy is not a great trait, and you should seek help for your self esteem issues.