I’m a jealous person

Simples- have another baby!

Considering that this irrational jealousy is also occurring with coworkers as well as your sister, I think you need therapy.

This made me so sad for you. You are behaving well on the outside so the only person the jealousy is hurting is you. You could get so much pleasure and genuine joy from the success of people close to you.

Have you asked yourself in a journal, or on a long, solitary walk, why you make it so unpleasant for yourself and give yourself such a harsh time when good things happen to others? Really answer the question, with self-compassion and a focus on reducing your own discomfort.

I think it’s great that you recognise this in yourself and don’t like it.

I personally don’t really get jealous.
I may envy a celebs body or wish I was rich but I’m lucky I don’t have these feelings.

For me, if my loved one achieved something I would be really happy for them.
Like their happiness also makes me happy.

My sister does get a bit jealous of me and maybe that’s because before I came along she was an only child or something I don’t know.

As it’s your sister then there are obviously some issues from childhood, perhaps you feel the need to compete with her for your parents attention or something.

I think it’s well worth having some therapy to try and work through why you feel these things and how to overcome them.

If you can’t afford actual therapy then talking it through with ChatGPT can help too.

I think a lot of us unknowingly base our self worth on achievements and ideas of others viewing us positively based on our achievements. And academia reflects this. So it might be helpful to think about how you can reframe your self worth and identity (easier said than done).

Yeah if you work in academia, particularly certain subjects, you’ll know that a scarcity mindset can be very appropriate to the actual situation…!

I think academia is awful for fostering envy, so many high-achieving competitive people competing for a diminishing number of prizes, ambiguous status (a lot of people don’t really understand what academics do or find it unbearably wanky), and objectively not-great pay. (I know it has its upsides as well!) I wonder if part of the issue is just the sector you work in. You sound self-aware, maybe factor in the fact that it’s not your fault the university sector is in the state it’s in, and it does lend itself to feelings of insecurity.

This is not really about your sister.

it is about you.

get therapy to stop you hurting you.

You could work on raising your self esteem as it seems very low.

We all feel jealous sometimes. I’m an only child and have an only child not through choice, and I’m really jealous of people who have siblings and whose children have cousins. You’re lucky. Try and think of it that way maybe? Someone could be looking at your life thinking “I’d love that”

My mum's jealous of everything and it's not a nice trait. I'm only saying this to make you aware that it's always obvious when someone is jealous, no matter how well they think they're hiding it. I would seek professional help to overcome it if you need to.

@jealy if you're into "self-help" this may illuminate

There must be something you’re not happy about in your life that’s making you feel this way? She’s not even achieving things that you haven’t already achieved, so I’m not sure what you’re jealous of!

Can you take up a hobby, or set yourself some personal goals, to take your mind off comparing yourself to your sister/others? Exercise and fitness goals really help me focus on my own path and not worry about what anyone else is doing.

Someone else’s success and achievements don’t detract from yours. This feels like a scarcity mindset. There is enough care to go around for you all. Have you always felt like things slip away from you?

Out of interest- did you each self support yourselves through PhD? It was it paid for by family ? Feels relaxant.. maybe she’s trying to keep up with you. ??

Was there a dynamic of her being the favourite growing up?

I think this is a lot more common than people admit.

How can you transform your current thoughts to more positive ones eg think that if your sister gets pregnant too it will be positive because your child will have a cousin, another child in the family to develop a close bond to and better dynamics when the whole family get together as the DCs can play together. When your DSis becomes a mum it will bring you closer together too- you’ll have motherhood in common and will boost your self esteem if she asks your advice due to your extra experience.

The PHD- think how this boosts the impression your family makes overall- wow to have not just one doctor in your birth family but two, that’s very unusual and special and should make you doubly proud.

Your sister is "copying you" with her baby and PhD, and it sounds like you have some significant family issues if "copying " is still driving you crazy as an adult. Therapy for you might unpick it.

You’re going to ruin your own life with jealousy.

Jealousy is essentially an expression of anxiety, about losing things that you need such as love and attachment, I think it speaks volumes that both you and your sister are such high achievers, and that this is where you are most triggered. Some good quality therapy to look at your family dynamic and attachment style might be very helpful to unpick this.

It’s really good that you’re able to articulate it, ignore the unkind and unhelpful comments on this thread. We all feel difficult feelings sometimes.

I’ve had many years of therapy and ended up finding schema therapy which has been life changing for me. I have not worked with a schema therapist, but I’ve read the book (naff title , but illuminating, I think it’s called how to change your life) and just read up loads about it.

There is a slightly cheesy podcast on Spotify called the good mood clinic, if you can get past the occasionally cringe presentation, the content is actually very good, that’s been mostly what I’ve used and it’s really helped across the board.

good luck, be kind to yourself

Is this light hearted? You obvs have good self awareness... or is it a genuine problem?