Page 9 | Husband's evening hobby making things hard

IGB9723 · 2025-05-07T11:44:14+00:00

This is a long one. Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30. Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could. I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else. I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards. I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5. Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc. Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights. My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves. my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them. I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend! i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free. am I being unfair?

Original poster

IGB9723 · 08/05/2025 14:35

MissDoubleU · 08/05/2025 14:28

Why are you with this man? He clearly doesn’t want to be a father, he just wants you to be in servitude to him and not your own career.

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My husband also always makes the point that he doesn’t get to do his physical hobby more than once a week; which is often true. Because he is either doing counselling, away with work (in which he goes out for dinner with his dad, or visits his two friends!) or he is doing another activity, ie cycling with work; our daughter is poorly etc etc. but 9/10 he is getting an evening to himself. But he still thinks it’s unfair he can’t do his hobby 2 evenings a week AND be away with work/go cycling with work/meet up with his friend locally etc etc.

But he makes it so difficult if I want to do something and usually asks immediately “are you taking X (daughter) with you?”

OP posts:

MissDoubleU · 08/05/2025 14:34

IGB9723 · 08/05/2025 14:31

yeah… at this point I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I could actually go through the stress of exams and longer hours when he is the way he is. He says he can’t cope without his hobby, but I couldn’t qualify as a solicitor and do my LPC whilst working full time and him doing his hobby twice a week…
definitely something I need to think about.

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Why exactly do his needs trump yours?

I’m sorry OP but the more you talk the more vile he sounds. Stop pandering to him. If you leave him and share custody you at least would have reasonable time to pursue things that fulfil you in your life. And he can do his hobby on his own time. Then you’re not also spending hours catering to the giant man baby in your bed or two strong dogs you didn’t want that seemingly he isn’t caring for fairly either.

Scarfitwere · 08/05/2025 14:33

IGB9723 · 08/05/2025 14:31

yeah… at this point I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I could actually go through the stress of exams and longer hours when he is the way he is. He says he can’t cope without his hobby, but I couldn’t qualify as a solicitor and do my LPC whilst working full time and him doing his hobby twice a week…
definitely something I need to think about.

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You would 100% be better off without this waste of space. What is he bringing to the relationship or parenthood exactly?

Original poster

IGB9723 · 08/05/2025 14:31

Tiswa · 08/05/2025 14:29

You are going to drop your career aspirations for his hobby?

yeah… at this point I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I could actually go through the stress of exams and longer hours when he is the way he is. He says he can’t cope without his hobby, but I couldn’t qualify as a solicitor and do my LPC whilst working full time and him doing his hobby twice a week…
definitely something I need to think about.

OP posts:

Tiswa · 08/05/2025 14:29

You are going to drop your career aspirations for his hobby?

MissDoubleU · 08/05/2025 14:28

IGB9723 · 08/05/2025 14:19

Not sure that’s particularly fair. I have tried most things and therefore the advice is, while helpful and nice to hear, not always going to be the answer.
my daughter is 20 months old. She is not ruling the roost.
I have decided to stay at my mums one evening a week (the day she will be looking after her and therefore I have to collect her) and use frozen meals in the Fridays (bought!) as my husband seems incapable of using any of his time to prep them and expects me to find and use my free time to do it (not that I have much.)
he’s not happy about it. He doesn’t like the idea of my daughter having ready meals or frozen cooked meals from the shop. But that’s tough, imo. He wants to do his hobby two nights a week. This is what helps me. I’m going to do a bath every other night and see if that helps and aids her eczema.
im also going to suggest he use the evening after his hobby to get some jobs round the house done whilst me and my little girl are pat my mums.
going to see how long it all lasts before he requests more time to do his hobby (he’s mentioned before that if a fight comes up he’d like to be able to train 5 evenings a week in the 4 weeks leading up to it).
he told me last night that he shouldn’t have to give up his life for the next four years for me to progress in my career (become a solicitor)… so looks like I’ll be stuck on minimum wage for the foreseeable whilst he enjoys his hobbies several times a week.

to all those saying it’s only 2 evenings. Yes, and I think it’d be manageable if I ever got an evening off to myself. But I’m ALWAYS roped into dinner/bath/bed. My last evening off I walked the dogs… which when they’re two large staffies, pretty difficult. Again, not my idea to get two strong dogs.

We’re going to have a discussion tonight, but ultimately. My daughter comes first. It just seems unfair that in order to ensure my daughter comes first, I let my husband do his hobby and ensure she is taken care of and he doesn’t lose his shit whilst looking after her.

im also looking into her sleeping and trying to find ways to help that. I managed on my own last night to reduce her need for a bottle to soothe; so next step is to get her to self soothe without a bottle. NO, I will not use the CIO method.

Thanks everyone for your advice, most of which has been super helpful, even where not necessarily on my side. It’s helpful nonetheless.
to those that were pretty horrible about me, my parenting and ability to cope, even where only one child, maybe learn to be a little less judgmental and offer some constructive advice. If not, don’t comment. Bet you were bullies in school.

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Why are you with this man? He clearly doesn’t want to be a father, he just wants you to be in servitude to him and not your own career.

Original poster

IGB9723 · 08/05/2025 14:19

hangxiety · 08/05/2025 14:01

it’s absolutely pointless giving you advice as you have an answer for everything. You are letting your child rule the roost & pandering to your absolutely useless husband. You are both a pair of yaps.

Not sure that’s particularly fair. I have tried most things and therefore the advice is, while helpful and nice to hear, not always going to be the answer.
my daughter is 20 months old. She is not ruling the roost.
I have decided to stay at my mums one evening a week (the day she will be looking after her and therefore I have to collect her) and use frozen meals in the Fridays (bought!) as my husband seems incapable of using any of his time to prep them and expects me to find and use my free time to do it (not that I have much.)
he’s not happy about it. He doesn’t like the idea of my daughter having ready meals or frozen cooked meals from the shop. But that’s tough, imo. He wants to do his hobby two nights a week. This is what helps me. I’m going to do a bath every other night and see if that helps and aids her eczema.
im also going to suggest he use the evening after his hobby to get some jobs round the house done whilst me and my little girl are pat my mums.
going to see how long it all lasts before he requests more time to do his hobby (he’s mentioned before that if a fight comes up he’d like to be able to train 5 evenings a week in the 4 weeks leading up to it).
he told me last night that he shouldn’t have to give up his life for the next four years for me to progress in my career (become a solicitor)… so looks like I’ll be stuck on minimum wage for the foreseeable whilst he enjoys his hobbies several times a week.

to all those saying it’s only 2 evenings. Yes, and I think it’d be manageable if I ever got an evening off to myself. But I’m ALWAYS roped into dinner/bath/bed. My last evening off I walked the dogs… which when they’re two large staffies, pretty difficult. Again, not my idea to get two strong dogs.

We’re going to have a discussion tonight, but ultimately. My daughter comes first. It just seems unfair that in order to ensure my daughter comes first, I let my husband do his hobby and ensure she is taken care of and he doesn’t lose his shit whilst looking after her.

im also looking into her sleeping and trying to find ways to help that. I managed on my own last night to reduce her need for a bottle to soothe; so next step is to get her to self soothe without a bottle. NO, I will not use the CIO method.

Thanks everyone for your advice, most of which has been super helpful, even where not necessarily on my side. It’s helpful nonetheless.
to those that were pretty horrible about me, my parenting and ability to cope, even where only one child, maybe learn to be a little less judgmental and offer some constructive advice. If not, don’t comment. Bet you were bullies in school.

OP posts:

hangxiety · 08/05/2025 14:01

it’s absolutely pointless giving you advice as you have an answer for everything. You are letting your child rule the roost & pandering to your absolutely useless husband. You are both a pair of yaps.

Lovetoplan · 08/05/2025 13:49

Just a couple of thoughts.... If you let your hubbie join the TA and he is paid for it could you get a little paid help? May be a young person who could help looking after your daughter, with meal prep and housework? Just for the nights he is out?

I notice your comment about picky eating. I have a family of picky eaters!! My latest solution is to have for every day a protein that goes in the airfryer eg burgers, chicken etc plus a veg or a chopped salad and potatoes or rice if wanted. Could also be an omelette with cheese for the protein which is very quick. This can be served very quickly and you can add ketchup or mayo and put it all out for self serve.

DannyBarberUK · 08/05/2025 13:49

I'm a bloke, ex army and a hands on Dad to 4 incredible daughters all aged under 8. He's got duties and that's his kids and family.

That doesn't mean to say he can't do things but in moderation, it's excessive.

If I needed that much time away from my family I would find it incredibly unfair that my Mrs has to pick up the slack.

I've been paying for a gym membership for the last 2 months and I've not gone once. Not because I don't want to go but I'm needed here. My youngest daughter does not sleep well, I'm up in the night every night.

I get to have a career so I go to work and when I'm home I take over sometimes with my Mrs support and sometimes she goes and does something like self care, Sims, nails or whatever.

Even then we never get the balance right but your doing too much. You're a single parent by the sounds of it.

Towwanthustice · 08/05/2025 13:33

I think you'd be better off as a single mum tbh. Selfish man

pikkumyy77 · 08/05/2025 12:05

There isn’t room in your life for this man and his enormous ego—he plans to spend every waking hour avoiding responsibility and you and your child. He can mask for a few hours here or there but he is screaming to escape family life. Just let him go. You deserve so much more than this thrill seeking toy soldier.

Lsquiggles · 08/05/2025 10:17

In all honesty, your relationship sounds like a mess and I think you'd all be happier and have more structure/downtime if you separated

thefarrierswife · 08/05/2025 10:15

Unfortunately it comes across as an incompatible couple both struggling. People have offered advice to make it easier, sounds like a lot of things yo have tried or aren't possible. You seem to be exhausting all options and it's still not working?

You want him to be/give something he can't and that seems to be the crooks of it. He should be able to but for whatever reason can't or won't. Having a young child is hard, you're in the trenches and you want the support of your partner, he can't or won't so really you're at a point of making a decision, carrying on and accepting or separating.

I think instead of counselling you'd be better off putting the money towards parenting help. That then might help make bedtimes easier and him be able to have her alone.

babystarsandmoon · 08/05/2025 08:54

I would be considering leaving him so he can have all the free time in the world.

He sounds incredibly selfish and self absorbed.

TwinklySquid · 08/05/2025 07:55

So this really hit a nerve for me.
My ex had a hobby that took up loads of time and he would not drop it. Even when our daughter, born very sick, came home, he’d still rush out to it. Nothing I said made a difference.
I suggested therapy but felt he wasn’t being honest with the therapist. This was confirmed when I went to the appointment and gave my version of events. The therapist actually said we should just separate.
I had no time for what I wanted. He couldn’t do stuff apprently with our daughter.

In the end, for a variety of reasons, I left. Ironically, I have more time for myself now. He sees his daughter every two weekends and we get on well. Again, ironically, when I left he quit his hobby.

Realtionships can survive difficult things but they can’t withstand selfishness. He is acting like he’s a main character and you are simply there to support his needs. No. You aren’t. Put your own oxygen mask on first .

Styleseeker65 · 08/05/2025 07:37

Why are you doing a bath everyday? There’s absolutely no need for it and not having one everyday can be your routine. You’re making life harder than it needs to be. He sounds like a waste of space though. Why is it always the men who think kids don’t have to impact their social lives at all.

Flidina · 08/05/2025 00:56

Get rid of this self indulgent waste of space and you'll find life a whole lot easier.He obviously wants only the nice parts of being a parent, and wants you to pick up the slack, and do all the hard work , he doesn't get to pick and choose the bits he wants to do.

mmsnet · 08/05/2025 00:52

leave the selfish bastard

SapphOhNo · 08/05/2025 00:41

Hes not priorising you. Wants all the good bits of being a parent and a husband and none of the responsibility and you want to stay with him? What has he done to warrant you staying together ?

beetr00 · 08/05/2025 00:28

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 15:34

He is adamant he’s got ADHD.
it’s frustrating though because he won’t do anything about it. He also picks and chooses what he can do regarding his knees.

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@2JFDIYOLO

2JFDIYOLO · 08/05/2025 00:09

I'd been gearing up to ask the question Mumsnet can hate - is he neurodivergent? Because what with the 'picky eating', the adrenaline thrill seeking, the mood swings and losing his temper, it sure sounds like it. Then you mention he's adamant he has ADHD. The rigid adherence to his routine and refusal to change it and fixed ideas, in his case the military, also suggests an autistic element. Is he doing anything to confirm his self diagnosis?

beetr00 · 08/05/2025 00:03

Caerulea · 07/05/2025 23:48

Are you the husband?!

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@Caerulea I'm not, amma wummin.

What I'm finding difficulty with is that @IGB9723 can't cope with one child because her husband is out 2/3x per week

Enlighten me, please do, seriously.

Why is that hard?

FiendsandFairies · 07/05/2025 23:57

Wow. I’ve now read all your posts OP. I’m so sorry but the only thing I think you can do is be super assertive and just put your foot down and tell him how you need things to be. I’m sorry, but I get the feeling you rarely do that. It’s time to start now - good luck.

Caerulea · 07/05/2025 23:48

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Are you the husband?!