Husband's evening hobby making things hard

I still can’t fathom why this is so difficult. If he is going out for two evenings a week, why don’t you do the same? Then you can’t end up helping with dinner and bedtime.

Obviously in an ideal world you’d be a partnership, but that seems to have broken down, so your only option is to be proactive to take alone time.

Pretty dire soldier material if he can’t get his shit together at home. He sounds selfish and irresponsible. Feel for you, OP.

I suppose he thinks having a child is your hobby.

Cycling?! With bad knees?

I mean…you know that you’re married to a lying, selfish toad - don’t you?

Either he’s involved in martial arts and his knees are absolutely fine or he’s spending his evenings doing something quite different.

You are being absolutely played here OP.
You are having to give up your career because your DH has to play games twice a week and won’t look after his DC.
There is so little respect and care for you and your dc in this relationship.
What do you believe about yourself and relationships that makes this something that you are prepared to accept?

PS: DH and I have one child and plenty of hobbies and time for ourselves. We both have no family support nearby so anything fun we do is usually separate with our own friends unfortunately, unless it's in the day and with our child all together. But we do stuff. Weekends or weeks away with friends, instrument lessons and practice, video gaming, meals out. It's very balanced. One thing I highly recommend is sleep training once your kid is 6m old, it makes life so much kinder for you all when you know bedtime will be a nice calm straightforward process each evening and then you will have several hours to chill and rest before a good night's sleep. We both felt very happy with being on our own for days at a time parenting with sleep sorted as we knew it wasn't gonna be day after day of increasing exhaustion.

But regardless that's by the by. Currently it seems he gets to do everything he pleases and you're expected to just exist to parent. What a selfish, small little man.

Could you get a babysitter 2 nights a week so you can study?
If you end up a single parent it would make financial sense and be an easier life to be earning more as a solicitor.

Please fill in the Checklist for Gender Equality in Your Everyday Life from the Swedish government, and see how you feel after.

https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar---fillistning/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf

He is treating you so, so unfairly.

Wow. I can't actually believe what I'm reading here.

A father, saying he doesn't want to be left alone to parent his own child?

I honestly haven't seen anything like this before, that is absolutely horrible.

How do you even move past this? You've agreed to have a child with this man, grown his baby, given birth, gone through all of those physical and mental changes, your sweet baby you must adore and love and just be besotted with, and their father doesn't want to be alone with them?

I can't understand how you can look him in the eye and share a life with him knowing what kind of father he is to say that. Your poor girl.

Parenting doesn't come easy to everyone, it sure didn't for me, but you love your child and put the work into figuring it all out, because you chose to have that child and you owe it to them.

I'm really so sorry OP, this man I don't believe enjoys being a parent or a husband in a marriage with a child involved. He's deeply selfish and puts his own needs first. I think he'll stay, as long as he can get away with doing exactly what he fancies. Hobbies for hours per week, going away playing soldiers, having his indulgent therapy sessions. As soon as you put your foot down and expect him to be an equal parent, he will bolt. He is not cut out for family life, and in your shoes I'd be pretty quick at getting everything sorted out so I had the peace of mind of knowing that I'd be okay with my child if we split. He has one foot out the door already.

I'd take daughter with you and not bother coming back.

I would be asking my mum if I could move in with her until I had passed my exams.
Your update shows how defeated you are, it doesn’t sound like a sustainable relationship for you all to be living your best lives…. You only get one shot at it and to be honest it sounds like you would be better apart.

Have you told him to clock all his free time and make sure you get absolute equal time? If he’s burned out after one evening with the baby how does he suppose you feel after 5 days and 5 nights with the baby??

Oh yeah that’s right, he doesn’t care how you feel…

So you admit he’s worn you down enough to give up your own life and identity to cater purely to his wants, needs and desires? And you’re willing to submit to him entirely because, really, it’s just easier?

Hey, have another baby with this man. In for a penny, in for a pound amirite!?

For god sake leave and find someone who values YOU.

What a saddening update. Your giving up your career for his hobby. Truly disappointing to read.I hope whatever you think is beneficial to your staying in this relationship does bring you whatever that is and that it is worth this huge sacrifice.

Despite the heat you have gotten am sure you a wonderful mum. Would you hope for your daughter to make the same choice one day? Would all the hard work you are putting in now to nourishing her person feel fulfilling? If you was to see her throw away her aspirations so a man can go and play?

What I have learnt from my own experiences is that men like this can't see that they are doing anything wrong, they can't see that they aren't supportive. All they see is their own wants and needs. That's not to say that this is malicious, although it might be. My own husband is definitley ADHD and possibly autistic. He was training for a sporting event and had a meltdown when I suggested that I might like to have the opportunity to go to the gym in the week.
I have learnt that I have tell him that it's happening and then physically leave. And not feel guilty about my daughter. He is a good dad, but will use weaponised incompetance where ever possible. For my own sanity I have to put myself and my need first.

I would suggest working out what you want/need. And then negociate with him in black and white simple terms. Stop letting him tell you he can't look after your daughter online.

“Waaaa, I decided to have a family with my wife including two dogs and a young baby. Life is SO unfair. I sadly only get to do hobby X one evening a week, while hobbies A, B, Y and Z take up other evenings. My wife won’t let me have the other 2 evenings to pursue my dreams because apparently she is also a person?? And has needs?? And she has this horrible notion that I should be responsible for my own child(!!!) and help out in the house.

My wife could be a solicitor by now but I won’t allow this to happen because then she’ll be too busy to wipe my arse.”

How do you force yourself to sleep with this creature exactly?

Serious question OP, why are YOU still finding ways to make all the adjustments here? Why are you only considering staying with this man and not the alternative? On a whole, are you actually happy?

@IGB9723 I’m really sorry to hear you’re shelving the plan to progress your career. ( And not surprised that the two dogs weren’t your idea. How about rehoming the dogs, and the husband?) Is there no way you can still progress your career? Is that doable if you split? Seems to me the resentment towards your h will build and build til it completely kills any love you have/had for him. The contempt he shows you by his refusal to do anything to make your life easier or better is quite something. He refuses to help you progress your career and gets two hefty dogs to add to your load. I’d be planning my escape.

She has said why. It contains a necessary eczema treatment.

It will benefit you and your daughter SO MUCH MORE if you can become a solicitor, than if you stay with this extremely difficult man. Yes it's going to be hard doing exams but it's hard anyway living with him. Choose where to put your energy. All the best.