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Original poster

Husband's evening hobby making things hard

635 replies

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:44

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Chazbots · 08/05/2025 16:05

Sounds like he has ADHD (unfixed) and your DD may well too, as it's very genetic and sleep issues are part of it.

I'd dump his arse if he can't get it treated or assessed and I have ADHD...way easier if managed, even without meds.

Even if DD doesn't and is just naturally lively, the ADHD techniques will help with looking after her. So being good with transitions, managing overwhelm and not trigger stacking.

Him being angry around the house will not help. If his therapist doesn't understand ADHD, therapy won't work, just make him more manipulative.

Intothesunshine · 08/05/2025 16:05

He sounds like a complete prat and taking you for a ride, taking you for all you can give. Time to wave and say goodbye

Nanny0gg · 08/05/2025 16:04

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:04

He’s already told me he doesn’t find it fulfilling. He’s said he isn’t one of those men, and needs more than just fatherhood family and one hobby.
he does also have warhammer which he gets to go do upstairs once a week too. FYI.
He is also away with work one/two days a month.

Show quote history

When he is ever bloody at home?

Seriously, what do you need him for? You're doing it all anyway

Kelticgold · 08/05/2025 15:58

OneRareCritic · 07/05/2025 13:03

I'm wondering if the decision to have a child was entirely mutual. A friend of mine is now having to face the fact that her husband would have preferred not to have any children but realised that his wife did want a family. They have one daughter. He has never been a hands on dad, but he has provided by working full time and at times has been the substantial financial contributor. My friend has learnt to accept the imbalance. I get the feeling that your husband is being more honest than most men about how he feels. My dad was in the RN, away for long periods. My parents marriage worked because they both accepted that being at home parent wasn't going to work for him and Mum realised how life would be from the start.

I am very sorry but that is not how it works. If you are not sure about having children you either use contraception or just don’t have sex. If you have a child you need to step up and be an adult.
Let’s stop making excuses for absent fathers.
I am very sorry if that happened to your friend.

PluckyCheeks · 08/05/2025 15:58

What a useless tool.

You could try marriage counselling but I’d cut my losses and cut him loose.

MDTdottyT · 08/05/2025 15:55

Can you either of you afford to cut one day a week and pay child care for that extra day.
That could be an admin/ chore day or pay for a cleaner.
Something needs to give and it shouldn't be you.I think a cleaner would be a good start , see how that goes than one of you cut a day but still pay for nursery.
TBH it doesn't get any easier as they get older and some people really struggle with the commitment of being a parent.
My parents used to look after my child while I cleaned the house , my youngest was very asthmatic and the whole house needed to be deep cleaned weekly, his room daily.
I also used to take days of work and leave them in nursery to catch up with chores.
I think you both need to sit down and have a proper talk about responsibility and the input required to raise a child means.
I also have ME and tbh as I discovered later in life life doesn't stop I'd you don't do chores and it's really okay not to do most of them

Cantmakemymindup2 · 08/05/2025 15:54

Slightly unrelated but is there a chance your little one has allergies? Both my daughters had milk allergies and it is really common. It would explain your daughter’s skin issues, night wakings and being difficult. If her poops are soft and have mucus in them then this would suggest an allergy to something she is eating. If not then the skin issues could be an allergy to your dogs.

Smokesandeats · 08/05/2025 15:45

I know you said he missed you and fell apart during your 3 month separation. How did you feel during those 3 months?

Personally, I think your life would be so much easier if you divorced him!

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 08/05/2025 15:42

I know you love your daughter but there is no way I’d be having any more children with this man.
Honestly, he lives on another planet.
In therapy once, when I was buckling caring for someone who had started to be demanding, I was asked…
What would the other person do if you went to
sleep and didn’t wake up?
I am not wishing it on me, you or anyone else but what would this man do?
You might as well be a single parent. Because that is what you are. You are becoming his parent as well.
When you have a child your lives change. You can’t live as before. There is no need for him to have so much time out of the house.

ChaToilLeam · 08/05/2025 15:41

I'm infuriated on your behalf, OP. Your husband is a lazy selfish prick who thinks you're his skivvy.

Lisachooky · 08/05/2025 15:41

Hubby has some kind of issues, mental health issues .....and he wants to join the marines ? I am the daughter of an ex marine.i know what I'm talking about.
It seems to me your hubby needs to sort out his mental health issues which are clearly much closer to home, er....doesn't want to be left with his own Daughter ??? I'd be telling him to get a grip, you can't physically and mentally do everything.good luck.

user1492757084 · 08/05/2025 15:40

Swap to eczema cream that isn't applied in the bath.
Don't Bathe DD two days per week. Simplify parenting until you can manage.
Hire a babysitter when needed.
Accept that husband goes out for hobby once per week and once on the weekend.
If he complains, ask him if he needs to adopt out the kid?
He is behaving like he is a batchelor.

Organise a date night once a fortnight.
Ask DH to plan where. It's weird that he is so into his hobby but not into his family - expect him to step up. Expect him to enjoy doing so.
Make life more fun in as many ways as you can.
Consider ceasing the therapy and spending more time together.

Kittyfur · 08/05/2025 15:36

He’s opted out of family life
I think the majority of men are ambivalent about having children; they don’t want their lives and routines disrupted;

I strongly believe you should train for your career;
you’re going to need it!

build your own life and self esteem.

your husband is completely pointless
you’ll be much happier without him

pikkumyy77 · 08/05/2025 15:35

IGB9723 · 08/05/2025 14:39

I just want to make it clear that I wanted a dog. I did not completely put my foot down re two, but I did make it extremely clear that I would not be able to walk them alone and handle them alone. He confirmed he would of course manage it and we wouldn’t have to walk them alone (oh hindsight!)
But still.

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He is a liar who can’t imagine keeping a commitment to you or his daughter. Everything else is just foggy thinking on your part. The man can make a commitment to training five nights a week but can not make and keep a commitment to walk his own dogs because ge will not. At some point you need to see the handwriting on the wall.

goody2shooz · 08/05/2025 15:31

Oh come on @Griff1963 - read her posts. Warhammer, cycling, martial arse, chatting to chums, therapy - anything to get out of the house.
(And yes - I meant martial arse. Though an arse is actually useful….)

rb124 · 08/05/2025 15:30

This sounds almost totally unreasonable to me (almost because of the therapy aspect). I'm not medically qualified, but I think he needs help around the issues he has with DD. As for wanting to join the Marines and presumably have his hobby as well, words fail me.
I suggest some family counselling, and if he refuses or doesn't improve, then move out - maybe stay with your parents while you sort things out?

Griff1963 · 08/05/2025 15:23

What hobby?

Original poster
IGB9723 · 08/05/2025 15:19

Tiswa · 08/05/2025 15:16

So you can stunting your own career development and growth because he can adult himself?

It isn’t about his hobby (although that is fairly awful) it is because he won’t do the things you need him to do to support you in that. You don’t think you have the time not only because of the things YOU need to do but because he won’t do them.

look at the frozen meals he doesn’t think it is good enough but he won’t do anything

ultimately you will twist and twist yourself into a ghost of yourself because he won’t allow you any space to be yourself

you can’t stay with him - surely leaving will free ho time for you to be the solicitor you should be

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I completely understand and agree.
I am considering all options. I am not set in stone. If I’m told this evening that he can sacrifice a hobby for my careeer temporarily then I think I’ll be gone.

likewise, if he won’t accept me staying at my mums once a week and using frozen ready meals; then he can figure it out when I’m not here and he’s got the responsibilities i usually deal with (you watch, he’ll get a cleaner and a nanny)

OP posts:
Original poster
IGB9723 · 08/05/2025 15:17

Ophy83 · 08/05/2025 15:06

If you want to train to be a solicitor you need to do it. To be blunt, if things don't improve with your DH you will need your own reliable source of income.

Is it the SQE you need? Have you looked at courses near you? If you are physically out of the house to study at least one evening a week you will be able to focus - your dh can do warhammer after he gets dd to bed.

BTW bed times will get significantly easier over the next few months/years (unless you have another baby! If possible don't do that while you have study plans)

It’s a weird one. It’s not the SQE route my firm want to put me through, as I can still do the LPC. And they want to provide a proper training contract. As I work 4 days a week, it’ll take me 2 years to do the LPC and 2.5 years to do my training contract, although I can actually do them concurrently.

theyre all things I’m going to discuss with him to be honest. He said to me last night “you decided you wanted a baby before being qualified”… because we had discussed that we’d make it work for me to qualify once we had our child.

but being out one evening a week to do that would help.

also, as my husband says… he’s too tired to do things like warhammer once she is in bed. So that would get thrown in my face.

a bit like asking him to do some. Chores at home once he’s back from his hobby at half 8/9.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 08/05/2025 15:16

IGB9723 · 08/05/2025 14:31

yeah… at this point I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I could actually go through the stress of exams and longer hours when he is the way he is. He says he can’t cope without his hobby, but I couldn’t qualify as a solicitor and do my LPC whilst working full time and him doing his hobby twice a week…
definitely something I need to think about.

Show quote history

So you can stunting your own career development and growth because he can adult himself?

It isn’t about his hobby (although that is fairly awful) it is because he won’t do the things you need him to do to support you in that. You don’t think you have the time not only because of the things YOU need to do but because he won’t do them.

look at the frozen meals he doesn’t think it is good enough but he won’t do anything

ultimately you will twist and twist yourself into a ghost of yourself because he won’t allow you any space to be yourself

you can’t stay with him - surely leaving will free ho time for you to be the solicitor you should be

goody2shooz · 08/05/2025 15:10

IGB9723 · 08/05/2025 14:41

He says meeting up with his dad/friends is now where near the same as his hobby and he still needs time to do that, other evenings of the week. He said without it he feels crap and needs it. Otherwise he doesn’t feel he has a purpose.
He doesn’t get to do his warhammer lots, but probably average once a week.

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@IGB9723 he says without it he feels crap.
And WHAT ABOUT YOU??? You’re feeling burnt out, can’t progress your career, can’t get proper ‘me time’….but no that doesn’t matter or even register?? It’s utterly ridiculous. You need to decide what you want the rest of your life to be like and go for it. Would you want a marriage like this for your daughter? I get it - you’re exhausted and hurting from his neglect of you - but every change starts with small steps.

Octocat · 08/05/2025 15:09

IGB9723 · 08/05/2025 15:06

A lot of people won’t and don’t understand. But I get a lot of my enjoyment from doing things at home. I shouldn’t have to leave my own house to get time to myself. I obviously appreciate your advice and im not just disregarding it, but a lot of the things I really enjoy involve being at home.

Show quote history

Of course you should be able to have time to yourself in your own home. I think people are suggesting that you go out because otherwise you’re getting embroiled in bedtime and dinner because your husband won’t stand on his own two feet.

wierdcrocodile88 · 08/05/2025 15:09

Gingernut1989 · 08/05/2025 15:07

I haven't read any of the replies but is his hobby freemasonry ? We have the same issues but he has reduced the meetings he attends now and will pick up the pace when children are older . I've found having my own hobbies helps if you can find and afford the childcare . He does pull his weight the evenings he is home and I barely have to do anything plus we share equally on weekends.

Joining the marines seems excessive

Warhammer not freemasonry :)

Gingernut1989 · 08/05/2025 15:07

I haven't read any of the replies but is his hobby freemasonry ? We have the same issues but he has reduced the meetings he attends now and will pick up the pace when children are older . I've found having my own hobbies helps if you can find and afford the childcare . He does pull his weight the evenings he is home and I barely have to do anything plus we share equally on weekends.

Joining the marines seems excessive

Ophy83 · 08/05/2025 15:06

If you want to train to be a solicitor you need to do it. To be blunt, if things don't improve with your DH you will need your own reliable source of income.

Is it the SQE you need? Have you looked at courses near you? If you are physically out of the house to study at least one evening a week you will be able to focus - your dh can do warhammer after he gets dd to bed.

BTW bed times will get significantly easier over the next few months/years (unless you have another baby! If possible don't do that while you have study plans)