Husband's evening hobby making things hard

@VickyEadieofThigh and @goody2shooz my bad. I must have missed that post.
He actually has three time consuming hobbies. It sounds like he doesn't accept that his lifestyle must change now that he is a father.

I wonder if he needs structure. Ex forces wife and mine struggles with our first. I set tasks he could help with, played to organisational training, meal planning, exercising with baby in pram and dogs to allow me to get on with cleaning. Over time he has mellowed. Allow him his hobbies limited to 2 nights but you get 2 as well. Make him cope on thise nights don't make excuses why he can't. They can follow orders in forces and deal with the adhoc they can do it in life.
You got this !!!! (It does get easier, he will grow up too)

Sorry I haven’t read all the posts on here but I just wanted to ask-
Is there any chance you could pay for some help? It might ease the tit for tat feeling around childcare? Even if it’s someone who just does bed and bath with one of you two nights a week, to make it all feel less intense? A third person might also be able to give some perspective/help with your DD’s behaviours longer term?

I personally don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to want to pursue their hobby after having a child. But it does require planning so that the parent left at home doesn’t feel hard done by.

If I'm understanding the OP's subsequent posts correctly, her DH is doing much more than going out for two nights a week: he seems to have abdicated most of his responsibilities as a father.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her

Can you imagine if a woman said this 😂

I really don’t think it’s a big deal for a husband to have a hobby twice a week. But I also don’t see why that would stop him from helping around the house. Maybe he can make a proposal of how he will continue to support you the rest of the time? Like he will always put the slow cooker on twice a week, or will put a wash on 3 times a week. A little organisation goes a long way. Could you afford a cleaner to take the pressure off?

if I read correctly, you have 1 child to deal with? This shouldn’t be a big deal to handle twice a week. If you said you wanted to do something twice a week, I’m sure all of mumsnet would support you in that. I’ve started gyming 3 times a week and would be incredulous if I was prevented from doing that (and we have 3 children and both work) It’s important to remember to be a person not just a parent.

That said, the marines suggestion is mental.

It feels to me like his hobby is being blamed but actually there’s bigger issues here.

Right.... So let's all replace our hobbies with taking kids to the park shall we? Because once we are parents, we aren't allowed interests that don't revolve around the kids?

Would people say that bollocks about a mum that wanted a hobby? Tell her "Take your kids to the park and run around a bit, that should provide all fulfilment and enrichment you need and if it doesn't there's something wrong with you"?

Well, we had three months apart where I lived with my mum recently to test the waters… he didn’t do his hobby once.

So when he has unlimited time (but no childcare to abscond from) he suddenly doesn't need to do any hobbies? I think that tells you everything you need to know doesn't it?

He's a selfish prick, so just tell him, you need some "you time too", ask him if it's ok if you take up a hobby a couple if evenings each week as well.....

women In the uk do not realise how unfair the divorce law is on the women and kids in this country. Fathers can completely decide not to see their kids at all and the kid maintenance is a pittance. In Switzerland and Italy a judge rules that a father needs to see the kids 50% of the time and they have legal consequences if they don’t. A friend of mine used to travel a lot and he had to change job as he had to stay with his daughter every other week. No options. In the uk if the father can’t be bothered he might not even see the kids or 4 hours every 2 weeks, the whole brunt of the childcare goes to the mothers. It is crazy and I am shocked women accept it without protesting

No new advice from me, but on a practical level, get him to pay for a cleaner OP, and maybe a dog walker twice a week.

@IGB9723 i did the LPC part time (one day a week) and did my TC alongside supported by my firm. It is a LOT of reading. I used to commute by train and i was able to do it then. You’d be able to do as a mum but you’d need to dedicate the time. I say go for it!!

sounds like you don’t have any time together as a couple. He’s also very selfish wanting all his own time to do hobbies etc but wouldn’t support you to progress in your career?! You are clearly intelligent but I don’t think you are seeing the obvious. Dump his ass and get on with raising your daughter which you are already doing!

Totally agree with this OP!

He really IS a waste of space, and it sounds as if you agree but are just a bit reluctant to take the plunge and dump his arse.

However, if you still want to keep trying, could you not spend YOUR 2 nights a week studying, but not at home? Tell him that you're going to your Mum's or a friend's for YOUR 2 nights of the week, you're going as soon as you finish work, so it's up to him to feed, bath, and put LO to bed. If he says he can't, just ask him 'what use ARE you exactly?'

I also wouldn't be walking the dogs on the nights he's doing his hobbies, he wanted TWO, BIG dogs, you'd have been happy with one smaller one, and he promised walking them wouldn't be a problem, so he can walk them when he gets home at 8.30 or 9pm. It's amazing how many people have to do that, and most of them find it's a relaxing way to wind down at the end of the day.

I really do think it's time for you to lay down the law to him, and tell him that he either shares everything about your life together, doing his full 50% share, or you are out, as you're sick of being his unpaid skivvy.

Would you both be better off apart permanently.?

Why are you together?

Appreciate what you’re saying about wanting to enjoy time at home, but it sounds like he’ll
never learn to adult and parent whilst he knows you’re there and in his eyes “available”.

Could you maybe pop over to your mum’s a couple of times a week and study there for a couple of hours?

I feel so sorry for your daughter. She will start to pick up on the fact her dad doesn’t enjoy being her parent. You both deserve better

This is the bullshit side of "self care". It's become a reason to be a narcissist.

I miss the days when responsibility and duty had some meaning.

Clearly self care should not be completely ignored. But nor should it become the primary concern when you have kids.

That's probably me.

Defo, you can have ADHD and be an arse or not.

The issue is that if you are an arse with ADHD, it's a bit like being an alcoholic and the chasing of highs, novelty and excitement will always be more interesting that the mundane needs of family life with stability and routine.

I've been married for donkey years, I'm not an arse (and female) but a lot of the blokes I know with traits are really onto their 2nd or 3rd wife with kids with each and it's all a bit depressing. Then they're in and out of jobs or have a hobby that involves a tonne of money and kit, then stops doing it once the kit has been bought and they're bored.

Like alcoholics or druggies, always chasing feeling good or whatever...

Please do not have any more children with this awful man! & rehome the dogs too. oh, and get rid of your DH !

I can’t believe after all the advice you’ve been given, the conclusion you’ve reached is to stay with him and give up your aspirations.

Lots of people think they are doing the right thing by staying for the kids- but you really aren’t. You just end up with kids who are emotionally traumatised.

Just wanted to say that my daughters eczema significantly improved when I bathed her less. Twice a week maximum as advised by a specialist. She went from significant scratching, bleeding and struggling to sleep through the night to manageable and mild discomfort. Worth a try and one less thing for you to do.

He's a dad now , he doesn't come first.
His kids does.
Adrenaline or not.
No to TA.
No to hobbies unless he steps up his game at home .
Else I'd be telling him why did he want a kid for if he a) wasn't prepared for the sacrifice it would take b) you aren't his unpaid servant , you work too and he's not pulling his weight & c) you are considering leaving him as a result of it and if he doesn't pull his weight, chores wise and otherwise u will.

As a man I can tell you this man does not want to be in this relationship sadly, he is doing everything he can to just not be there.

I think you must know that though to be honest don't you.

This! Massive man child. Hes beyond cringe and you'd both be better off without him.

I’d be tempted to tell him he can choose what he wants to do every evening as he will be living elsewhere.

In all seriousness, he is extremely selfish, I couldn’t live with someone like that.