Husband's evening hobby making things hard

lol I think you've got some wires crossed. I answered this:

How the fuck does anyone get adrenaline from childcare?

your reply seems to be responding to something I didn't say, perhaps you meant someone else.

@Springtime97 👏👏👏

As a single parent who left her useless OH I can confirm it.
3 hours max and whole house is done.
No manchild whining about his neeeeeds and mental health while being absent from being a parent,partner and husband.

Less stress,no crippling anxiety,kids more relaxed and clean house (untidy sometimes but lived in).

I can’t see @IGB9723 one positive thing your “D”H brings to your table/relationship.

You have one life. Take care of yourself as nobody else will. Burn out is just round the corner when the day comes that literally you can’t take more physically or mentally.

Please do not put yourself last. Your partner is banking on it to get his own way.

I speak from personal experience when I say, are you depressed or are you just with a shit man? Where is the counselling going to take you if you can’t / won’t make any changes?

You can only change your own behaviour. Yes to spending time with your Mum, easy tea and less baths (my middle went to a dermatologist who said bath town twice a week as even with oil dries the skin)

If you get roped into helping out, the only thing that will work is physically leaving. Otherwise he will continue to take the piss. Tell don’t ask. Eg. Saturday morning I am heading to the gym.

Life is not to suppose to be this hard. I think your partner is sucking the enjoyment out of your life and if you split you’d be a happier,
less anxious person . I also think you’d enjoy your Dd more. There’s something very freeing on having to do the chores because you are the only adult versus having to cos the other adult is lazy / shit / absent!

I agree with this.

hobby 2 nights a week I think is fine, marines no.

In my own opinion, it’s important for both parents to maintain their own identities post-kids and have some down time. That means you should have some as well. Can you not leave him to it with the kids two nights a week and do something you enjoy? You should be getting out as a family too. We have an 8 year old and a 6 week old. OH likes to tinker with cars, I like to have a long undisturbed bath with a book. We prioritise this time for each other as well as doing stuff together, even if it means an evening walk to the park with the kids to clear some cobwebs and fuck to routines. It makes the parenting grind easier to bear when it feels less relentless, but you both need time to yourselves otherwise you’ll start to feel resentful and resentment breeds contempt.

Kids are hard work, we all know it, especially babies/toddlers/smaller kids but I find it much easier to manage when I have time to wind down and time to just be me rather than ‘mum’, but it’s important for you both to be on equal footing with it.

It’s too easy to get sucked onto the hamster wheel of work, tea, bath, bed, work, tea, bath, bed; with nothing in between to decompress. We started off like this with our first, then came the competitive tiredness, the resentment when one of us wanted to do something for ourselves and it was awful. So we agreed that we both get set time aside for ourselves as well as family time and both our mental health is much better for it.

He sounds pretty selfish and I think it is a mistake to shelve your career as you might need to support yourself financially if you split. I would be studying on the evenings he is responsible for bed/bath etc or the weekend when he is around. I also think you need to consider rehoming the dogs as you have both obviously taken on too much there.

For goodness sake don’t have another baby with him. He isn’t cut out to be a parent. He is only concerned with his needs.

Op did this man actively want a child? How old are you both, was he ready to have a child?

He sounds awful.

But you also sound like you are being a bit of a martyr to Bedtime being a massive hard part of the day that requires two people or its a nightmare?

I live near london & most people commute in for work and most people's partners round here aren't home from work til 7.30, usually people are alternating doing wfh days etc. So you just put the kids to bed by yourself.

Can you sit him down and suggest ways you can both prep for the week ahead to make that period easier for you the couple of evenings he wants to be out. Tell him he needs to batch cook on a weekend so that there's dinner that just needs heating. Don't be a wet blanket about it. And start taking an evening out for yourself. Yes he'll find it hard with DD at first amd guess what, he'll get used to it.

You are putting so much stress on yourselves.
Stick with frozen food when you need to or batch cook.
How dirty is your house that you have so many chores? What can you outsource? Can you afford to outsource?
most people from the forces are difficult to live with.
he sounds useless you should have stayed gone why did you return?

He sounds like a complete selfish twat and he is taking the piss out of you. His therapist has not told him that at all, he’s lied to you to force his own way I’m afraid.

It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t find parenthood fulfilling, he has a responsibility to his child and they have to be cared for. Everyone has hobbies and some are more time consuming than others, but 2 nights a week, every week plus another playing with his toys? That’s a lot when he seemingly isn’t pulling his weight around the house.

This was my life 6 years ago.
Now single mum
Kids so much happier

Life is so much easier.....

I just wish I had left sooner.

He sounds like a self indulgent, rude liar. I think you'd both be better off without him, he causes way more hassle than he's worth.

You are damaging yourself and your daughter by staying in this relationship and bringing her up under this dynamic.
There is nothing else to say, the rest is noise.

I think your husband is taking the piss. He’s not giving you any leeway at all.

Sounds to me that that 'horse has already left the stable' with good reason too IMO!! 🙄
It seems to be a common thing that many men enter into marriage and parenthood without considering that it might encroach into their own established way of life and that it should be a given that they're 'allowed' to just indulge themselves and not pull their weight with the child/homecare! 😡
There is an element of the '1950's' about this of course but I think it goes deeper and often has more to do with perhaps a mother absolving her son of any responsibilities as a child while expecting a daughter to help in house so he grows up feeling entitled to doing as he pleases!
Sadly many men don't get any pleasure from hands on caring for their children or even spending time with them and this I feel is one of those instances that the OP is experiencing...the 'doesn't like to be left alone with DD' for whatever reason is simply a get out clause so he doesn't have to do it? 🙄

I think the two of you need to step away from the indulgent therapy nights and do something together..

He likely doesn’t have mental health issues, he’s just using that as an excuse to opt out of doing anything. His ‘anger issues’ that only emerge at home, him wanting her to forego her career development, burdening her with pets when she’s already doing everything. He’s trying to ensure she has no options but to stay and be his maid (his ‘falling apart’ and not doing his hobby during their trial separation suggests he just misses someone catering to him). He’s brings nothing to their lives.

I was just about to say the same thing. He's using the hobbies to avoid family life. When you and your daughter aren't there, he's happy to sit on the sofa.

My child had terrible eczema. The cure is in her diet. You need testing her for things she should not eat - like the night shade plants eg tomatoes.. DON'T use cortisone creams!

How did you find the trial separation you talked about?

Because other than selfishness and a bad temper I really don’t see what your husband is bringing to the party and surely it’ll only get worse?

I have never read the word 'hobby' so much in my entire life!!!
He has various commitments /hobbies /work /mental health needs, all consuming, all catered to him, every single day.
Ick. Ick. Ick.
He has no time for you.
He doesn't respect you.
Please do not get pregnant.
Maybe rehome the 2 dogs?
Move into your mums with your DD.
Deffo train to be a solicitor and be a bit more financially secure.
He's a prick, it will get worse, and he will grind you further and further down in the process. LTB.

This is just an excuse for lazy fathers. It doesn’t matter that he’s not that interested in being a father, because now he IS one and needs to put in the effort. He doesn’t get to check out! He should have used his brain and thought about whether he actually wanted children beforehand, if that’s what is happening here, and found someone of the same mindset. Mothers are so often left to do everything, including the mental load of parenting, while men decide to opt out. Men need to stop making excuses and women need to stop enabling their ineptitude and have some self respect. This guy is utterly useless and selfish.

He didn’t miss either of you, I’m afraid. He missed having a maid.

I'm really sorry you are going through this with DH who clearly doesn't care. Seems way too invested in this "hobby". I know this sounds awful but are you sure he's not having an affair? Seems like he needs any excuse to be out all the time x

@Chazbots , that was a great post and you make some really good points. Some of the kindest people I have worked with have been Neuro Divergent. Some have rejection sensitivity or demand avoidance. But without him getting a formal diagnosis and getting help to manage his condition it is impossible to know.

I have worked with a lot of peoples where it is obvious their poor mental health is due to being in a shitty relationship (overwhelmingly women). I regularly heard that the partner had depression/anxiety/ADHD/ASD but refused to go and get help. Of course, some people may be too scared/traumatized/distrustful to go and speak to a professional. But its also a great excuse for ducking responsibility. And unfortunately, a lot of men really dont think life should change when they have kids. From reading OPs posts, I just think this guy sounds like he is full of it.

Sounds like my ex husband, struggled to cope with DS and struggled to cope with work, struggled to cope with breathing. Nothing will change unless you change it. Fundamentally you make the effort you want to make and it sounds like he can’t be bothered with his child and he is just being selfish.

He's a checked out father basically.

Offer to have one therapy session together..