Husband's evening hobby making things hard

Sounds to me like there's too much different therapies going on all at one time. That's just not helpful. Your poor children.

👆 THIS IN A NUTSHELL!
💯 TRUTH

In the 3 months apart, he didn't do his hobby once. WOW.

He is avoiding being a family man.
What a twat 💯

Tell him fi e, but you're attending evening classes three nights a week so he needs to work around that, and you're thinking of joining the TA..... he's a self important egotistical dickhead.....

I see the MN man-haters are out in force on this thread. If he was in the Army, did he see active service, or what was his reason for joining? Many people leaving the army have mental health problems for all sorts of reasons (and some have problems going in), the suicide rates of ex-servicemen are shocking. It’s precisely the sense of “belonging” that attracts a certain type of person, and it sounds like that’s what he is trying to replicate.

Keep working with the mental health professionals and ignore all the amateur man-haters replying to this thread.

You take two nights off a week and make it his full responsibility to be home and do all the parenting duties on those nights. Make a list for him with directions then walk out of the house. He has a new hobby, and it's his child.

This man needs to grow up and come to terms with his life as it is now, not what it was. He has a major life change with a baby. His therapist sounds worthless. He must quit dumping his responsibilities onto you, immediately. To be clear, his responsibilities are half the parenting and half the housework and full time husband.

Are you sure his hobby isn't actually skirting his responsibilities and dumping his work on you? Pretty sure it is. You are letting him do this.

You’re feeling anxious because your husband is a selfish twat and isn’t making you feel safe or secure.

You should have couples therapy instead and work out a way he can be less self involved.

What is the hobby? Would it give more context? x

Love it. ‘Ask’ your partner/husband if you can have a little hobby. ASK HIS FN PERMISSION??? Have you read the ops posts?

Should have been. Perhaps now more women will realise it, though I suppose the urge of motherhood is sent by nature to increase the population, as though it needs increasing.

Get a cleaner. Ask if you can do your thing twice a week..

Is he really going to see a therapist?

Pigs might fly

He is using you as a mug snd a door mat.

Get Rid.

perhaps if you’d read the op’s posts you’d understand that she actually would like to spend some ‘free’ time at home, and also study to further her career. Your unhelpful post offers no solution to her clearly stated problems.

Husband: "Can I just be a single man? But also live here and reap the rewards and comfort of being looked after?!?"

No. No. He can't. Time for dad to learn he's not the babysitter but the coparent

I have read far too many threads on MN from women who have had children with men who were quite ambivalent about having them in the first place then who have abdicated all responsibility of being a parent.

I also know several women in RL who wanted children more than their husbands did, and guess what - they all ended up being single mothers.

Why do women do this? Why can't they let their heads rule their hearts?

Having children should be a joint decision with both partners wanting them equally.

IMO, women shouldn't coerce men into (unwanted) parenthood.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying the OP did this, but having children with a man who is obsessive about spending a lot of time on his "hobbies" should have been a huge red flag.

Sounds like you are a bit disjointed when it comes to being a team.

There is nothing wrong with him having a hobby and 2 evenings week isn’t that bad. But I think you also need a hobby. One that takes you out of the house and out of mum mode. He will cope. He’s a parent. Sometimes you just have to leave them to it to figure it out.

I honestly think you won’t resent him as much if you are getting time to escape too.

He's not the man for you op. Relationships can need work but shouldn't cause these issues.

I would suggest that you will in time be happier without this excuse of a husband and father

Did you not discuss his role before you became pregnant? If you did, then I sympathise when you say you did not 'sign up' for it.

So many women want children that they think they can cope and don't mind if the father won't help, until after the birth. Then it is too late.

Did you discuss all this before you had the baby? If you knew he had a hobby which took so many evenings, why was it not discussed before you planned to have the baby?

If you had discussed the problem before you were pregnant and he had agreed to spend a lot more time helping raise the baby and help with the extra work, you would be in a much better place to tell him to help share the marriage together in all ways.

If you did not, and he assumed he could carry on as he was and that you would take over the extra work, it will be more difficult to discuss.

I hope your post helps others plan for after the children come.

Guess who looks after all their needs? No surprise it's my daughter as her chap bolts elsewhere for most of the time when they come on their alternate weekends!!

@ByNattyAnt can’t your DD bolt to you with DGD for the weekend?

What a lazy fucker🤬 why she puts up with it?

quite. I think the appropriate answer to ‘fatherhood isn’t for me’ is you shouldn’t get a choice since you are a father, but I’d rather do just about anything than have our children exposed to that opinion from their father so fuck off now please. NOW. No, you don’t have time to pack a bag. Get out.

Yup. This sums it up.

@IGB9723

No offence but why the hell are you still with this man??

You're going to sacrifice your career & by the sounds of it, mental health, for a sulky, useless twat who treats you like a doormat & loses his temper all the time?? Why??

Leave him!! You're a single parent anyway. Build some support around you & your daughter, get your qualifications/career back on track & find a partner who treats you with the respect you deserve. Life is way too short to stay with this waste of space.

It is coming across that you are not ready to leave him yet. You want him to change, but he doesn't want to. He gets everything he wants, manages to avoid what he doesn't want to do.

So make him step up or get out.
Tell him you no longer have the capacity to run around after him. You are not his mother.
He can do his own washing/drying/ironing. If he chucks it in the machine & leaves it, do not hang it out. If you need to do a load then put his in a bin bag & leave it by the machine. If he argues with "but it would only take you 5 minutes" you reply so it will only take YOU 5 minutes.

If he is not eating the same as you & the dc then he can do his own. And clean up after himself.

Any day to day stuff you do which is solely for his benefit you stop. He is an adult. He can manage his own stuff.

He can walk HIS dogs daily. If he doesn't then he can rehome them. His behaviour is not fair on them.

If possible spend more time at your mum's. Do not shop for him to cover this time.

Tell him you are doing all of this to prevent your own burn out. You are doing this for your own mental health - according to him he knows how important this is.
He won't take much notice but he can't say you didn't tell him.

He may start to step up & be less selfish, realise what he is losing. But from your own posts, I doubt it.

As you start to assert yourself and feel less wiped out & put upon, you may decide you are better off without him.

Wishing you the best of luck @IGB9723.

Why is there not time for you but there is time for him!? Take your 2 nights and let him do everything you do on his 2 nights.
If he cant/won't look after his own child and do his fair share around the house you may as well be a single parent.

Give him his marching orders. A man that disengaged with family life is not worth having. What does he bring to the table? He's taking advantage of your good nature. You and your daughter will be better off without him.
I'm sorry to be so harsh.
Probably because my daughter is in a very similar position with their 4 year old daughter. She has a high pressure job 4 days a week and she usually works on the fifth anyway. Her partner works very hard but has three children (now teenagers) from his previous relationship who stay fortnightly. They are not easy and pretty toxic, we worry about our granddaughter exposed to their many dramas. Guess who looks after all their needs? No surprise it's my daughter as her chap bolts elsewhere for most of the time when they come on their alternate weekends!!