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Original poster

Husband's evening hobby making things hard

635 replies

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:44

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

OP posts:
persikmeow · 07/05/2025 13:04

I came to say “Didn’t we all have our hobbies pre parenthood?” but tbh this is particularly outrageous. Does he also work? Assume he’d have to leave early for a 5.30pm hobby? What would happen if you were to take up a hobby during those hours?

Original poster
IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:04

Cardinalita90 · 07/05/2025 13:02

I think the bigger question is whether he finds fatherhood/ family life fulfilling. It sounds like he doesn't and I think there's a risk as years go on he's just going to keep looking for new and additional ways to get him out of the house.

He can't have everything so he needs to decide for himself what gives - therapy, TA or Hobby.

He’s already told me he doesn’t find it fulfilling. He’s said he isn’t one of those men, and needs more than just fatherhood family and one hobby.
he does also have warhammer which he gets to go do upstairs once a week too. FYI.
He is also away with work one/two days a month.

OP posts:
OneRareCritic · 07/05/2025 13:03

I'm wondering if the decision to have a child was entirely mutual. A friend of mine is now having to face the fact that her husband would have preferred not to have any children but realised that his wife did want a family. They have one daughter. He has never been a hands on dad, but he has provided by working full time and at times has been the substantial financial contributor. My friend has learnt to accept the imbalance. I get the feeling that your husband is being more honest than most men about how he feels. My dad was in the RN, away for long periods. My parents marriage worked because they both accepted that being at home parent wasn't going to work for him and Mum realised how life would be from the start.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 07/05/2025 13:02

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

What a pathetic excuse of a father. And now he wants to join the marines? Pack him a bag, you and your daughter will be better off without him.

Original poster
IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:02

OrangeAndPistachio · 07/05/2025 13:00

I'd be interested to see how he would manage all of this personal time if you were to split and went 50/50 on childcare. It certainly sounds like the better option for you @IGB9723

Well, we had three months apart where I lived with my mum recently to test the waters… he didn’t do his hobby once.
He missed us and began falling apart.
he has started picking up more around the house, don’t get me wrong. But he could not do more if he had our daughter alone two nights a week. He would hate it.
She is amazing, but hard work. I think if he did he hobby one evening a week and one weekend day it’d be fine! But his hobby is limited to weeknights and he won’t compromise.

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 07/05/2025 13:02

For God's sakes don't have another child

Cardinalita90 · 07/05/2025 13:02

I think the bigger question is whether he finds fatherhood/ family life fulfilling. It sounds like he doesn't and I think there's a risk as years go on he's just going to keep looking for new and additional ways to get him out of the house.

He can't have everything so he needs to decide for himself what gives - therapy, TA or Hobby.

LilacMay · 07/05/2025 13:01

OrangeAndPistachio · 07/05/2025 13:00

I'd be interested to see how he would manage all of this personal time if you were to split and went 50/50 on childcare. It certainly sounds like the better option for you @IGB9723

Unfortunately in the real world it doesn’t work that way, my friend had a lazy good for nothing partner who was similar to OP husband and he now only sees his kid once a week for 4 hours whilst my friend does everything

OrangeAndPistachio · 07/05/2025 13:00

I'd be interested to see how he would manage all of this personal time if you were to split and went 50/50 on childcare. It certainly sounds like the better option for you @IGB9723

LilacMay · 07/05/2025 13:00

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:58

Tbh I’d be more than happy for one night a week. But when we’re both working, two nights is just that extra that tips you over the edge (when my daughter isn’t at my mums for that night)

Show quote history

And what would you say to your DD if she was in this position one day?

Original poster
IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:00

beetr00 · 07/05/2025 12:55

@IGB9723 are you in the U.S.?

The UK

OP posts:
Original poster
IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:58

yoshiblue · 07/05/2025 12:57

Absolute piss taker! You are in the trenches when you have a young child and hobbies take a back seat. One night a week for a hobby and you get the same. He needs to step up looking after his child or dump him!

Edited

Tbh I’d be more than happy for one night a week. But when we’re both working, two nights is just that extra that tips you over the edge (when my daughter isn’t at my mums for that night)

OP posts:
LilacMay · 07/05/2025 12:58

To be honest you both need to sit down and agree on a compromise. No to the marines, but yes to therapy and hobbies for you both during the week.

Goodadvice1980 · 07/05/2025 12:58

2024onwardsandup · 07/05/2025 12:51

Bollocks his therapist said that

Just what I was thinking!

Original poster
IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:58

theemmadilemma · 07/05/2025 12:55

No the to TA for now.

Yes to two nights a week hobby provided he steps up around the house, and you get two nights off where he does bedtime alone.

What's good for the goose...

This is the issue though, he feels if I’m not doing something like exercise it’s not good enough. There is also often not the time in the week for me to have that time off. There’s too much to do. We have two dogs that need taking care of too.

OP posts:
yoshiblue · 07/05/2025 12:57

Absolute piss taker! You are in the trenches when you have a young child and hobbies take a back seat. One night a week for a hobby and you get the same. He needs to step up looking after his child or dump him!

LilacMay · 07/05/2025 12:56

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:56

We’re having couples therapy on 2 Wednesdays a month too! He told our counsellor he was happy with our arrangement - two nights a week while my mum has our daughter for one of the nights. But it’s never enough. Feel like he always wants more.

Show quote history

Yeah he wants to be less of a loving husband and father and more of a single I can do what I want attitude

SErunner · 07/05/2025 12:56

Marines firm no. Hobbies not entirely unreasonable in my opinion so long as he is pulling his weight in other ways (which at the moment it sounds like he isn’t). There are other issues which are making the hobbies seem like the problem - your daughters sleep, his relationship/confidence caring for her, and his lack of contribution to the household tasks. I’d focus on tackling those rather than arguing about the hobby. I’d also get yourself some hobbies and get out of the house one or two nights a week if you want to.

Original poster
IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:56

Lyra87 · 07/05/2025 12:52

I feel for you OP, and your DH. You're both struggling, but it feels like you're the one who has to grin and bear it while you support him and you get very little in return. It's a bigger issue than his hobby. I think couple counselling might help here.

We’re having couples therapy on 2 Wednesdays a month too! He told our counsellor he was happy with our arrangement - two nights a week while my mum has our daughter for one of the nights. But it’s never enough. Feel like he always wants more.

OP posts:
beetr00 · 07/05/2025 12:55

@IGB9723 are you in the U.S.?

Tiswa · 07/05/2025 12:55

I think you need a long hard chat given you are both in therapy.

show him the chores say you cannot do them all if he wants to do his hobby/therapy/marines he needs to do 50% of the chores of the admin and off the childcare and give you the same amount of time free as well.

if there isn’t enough time well then let’s take something of the table until it is able to do.

because you are a team not an employee who role is to make sure his life works fine. You are sinking too

if he won’t compromise I am not sure this is a relationship

theemmadilemma · 07/05/2025 12:55

No the to TA for now.

Yes to two nights a week hobby provided he steps up around the house, and you get two nights off where he does bedtime alone.

What's good for the goose...

Gymmum82 · 07/05/2025 12:55

I do think it’s unfair that he can’t have a hobby 2 nights a week. But also you should get equal time to yourself.
Myself and my husband both have hobbies and have never given them up even when the kids have been small and difficult.
You need to work together to find a solution. Even if you just end it you’ll then end up with 100% of the childcare so it’s not going to be any easier.
Neither of you sound like you’re really enjoying parenthood

TomatoSandwiches · 07/05/2025 12:55

What is the fucking point of him exactly?

Bananalanacake · 07/05/2025 12:54

He struggles with his own DD, or can't be bothered to do any parenting.

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