Page 24 | Husband's evening hobby making things hard

IGB9723 · 2025-05-07T11:44:14+00:00

This is a long one. Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30. Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could. I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else. I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards. I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5. Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc. Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights. My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves. my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them. I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend! i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free. am I being unfair?

wizzywig · 07/05/2025 13:12

Op you kindly answered my post. Please look at what you wrote, he is impacting on your mental health. This isn't good. Why is his happiness more important than yours?

LilacMay · 07/05/2025 13:12

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:10

Yes agreed. I think I’m frustrated because we’re working on our issues and we have one good day and it’s like everything has gone back to normal and we don’t need to continue trying. Add in all other hobbies etc etc.

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Ok so he’s shown you multiple times now that he’s not the father or husband you want / need so why are you continuing to put up with it and letting him get away with doing what he wants?

MummaMummaMumma · 07/05/2025 13:12

He's being very selfish. He wants all this free time, what about you? You should be getting the exact same.
And why on earth is he not able to look after his child? He doesn't find it fulfilling? That poor baby.
Does he actually make our life better? How did you feel during your trial separation?

DecayedStrumpet · 07/05/2025 13:12

Are these anger issues of his coming out at work, or only at home?

EuclidianGeometryFan · 07/05/2025 13:11

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:02

Well, we had three months apart where I lived with my mum recently to test the waters… he didn’t do his hobby once.
He missed us and began falling apart.
he has started picking up more around the house, don’t get me wrong. But he could not do more if he had our daughter alone two nights a week. He would hate it.
She is amazing, but hard work. I think if he did he hobby one evening a week and one weekend day it’d be fine! But his hobby is limited to weeknights and he won’t compromise.

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Well, we had three months apart where I lived with my mum recently to test the waters… he didn’t do his hobby once.
He missed us and began falling apart.

But that was temporary (you were staying at your mum's), and clearly a crisis type of situation. It is not an indication of how he would be if you properly separated, once the crisis of separation was over and things settled down. You may find he picked himself up and got on with his life surprisingly quickly.

These are your choices:

Option one
Stay with him. You carry on doing the vast majority of housework and childcare, and have minimal time together as a couple. Have constant struggles with how much time he has out of the house, and how little housework and childcare he does. The resentment will build over the years, or you will just eventually give up trying to change him and make peace with it. You may never forgive him.

Option two
Separate. You will be a single parent doing it all yourself (but you are mainly doing it all yourself now). You will get over the resentment, build your own life, and if he has the DC overnights you will get your own time without having to pay a babysitter.

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 07/05/2025 13:11

In all honesty what does he bring to your life?
Everything seems to be about his wants and needs. When you had a trial separation he fell apart, he couldn’t cope without you… but would you perhaps thrive without him?

Would the evenings be easier without considering his needs, preparing him a meal, waiting to use the washing machine as his hobby kit is coming, only tidying up after you and DD? I would be evaluating the future I want for me and my child if I were you. X

Sunbline · 07/05/2025 13:11

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:05

My dad was in the army too and I’ve spoken to my mum about this. He was in army first before they met. They knew the drill and how it was going to be.
i didn’t sign up for a husband not helping care for our daughter during the week.

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You sort of did though, he did his hobby 5 nights a week before having a child, although it was agreed he'd drop down to 2 it was obvious his hobby is a huge deal to him and it wouldn't be easy. Him being ex forces adds another element. I doubt this will get any better even with therapy tbh, everyone seems miserable and sadly you can't force someone to be a supportive, engaged father and partner. I'd consider if its worth it for you and what kind of life you want for yourself and your child.

Monvelo · 07/05/2025 13:10

I can't see things changing. He doesn't want them to.

MrsMitford3 · 07/05/2025 13:10

@IGB9723 the thing is he will never get better or more confident looking after HIS DD unless he puts the time in.

And I agree therapy can make you very centred in yourself but I categorically dispute that the therapist told him he needed more adrenalin.
That seems like self serving bollocks.

He seems to be fighting being in a relationship and having a DC and all of his behaviour seems to be better suited to a single man.
He doesn't look at from your point of view/or of being in a partnership or compromise at all does he?

Original poster

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:10

Monvelo · 07/05/2025 13:08

Gosh it just sounds like everyone is unhappy in life. 3 lots of therapy going on. I'm not sure tinkering around the edges will fix things... Having said that things get incrementally easier with more sleep in the mix...

Yes agreed. I think I’m frustrated because we’re working on our issues and we have one good day and it’s like everything has gone back to normal and we don’t need to continue trying. Add in all other hobbies etc etc.

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Brefugee · 07/05/2025 13:10

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:56

We’re having couples therapy on 2 Wednesdays a month too! He told our counsellor he was happy with our arrangement - two nights a week while my mum has our daughter for one of the nights. But it’s never enough. Feel like he always wants more.

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he sounds selfish. In your next couples therapy you might like to bring up what his therapist said about him getting his adreneline rush, and when they think you ought to get yours.

Separately - ask your husband how he is going to handle 50/50 after you leave him.

Despite all the therapy, you two don't seem to be compatible though. Sorry.

ETA: missed that you had a 3 month trial separation. Go for 6 months. See how he likes that. You are not responsible for his mental health. You are responsible for your own mental health.

Octavia64 · 07/05/2025 13:10

No, you are not being unfair.

i had one of these.

my DH desperately wanted kids and persuaded me into it.

once they arrived (twins) he didn’t actually want to spend that much time with them and spent lots of time away from the family doing expensive time
consuming hobbies.

i looked at my options - he wasn’t going to step up I terms of childcare or housework and the kids didn’t really like being around him nor him them.

so I asked him to contribute money instead (as he wasn’t going to contribute time or parenting) and we got a cleaner and I got support that way.

he was happy with this as he could throw money at the problem. I didn’t want to let my kids down so I became default parent.

it wasn’t the way I saw it working out when he was begging me to have kids early.

ChoccieCornflake · 07/05/2025 13:09

Anger issues too?!! Oh heck bin him off, he sounds awful

Original poster

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:08

wizzywig · 07/05/2025 13:07

I think if you gave him all the time in the world for his hobbies, you'd be doing everything at home, he'd find a woman at his hobbies who has time for him. You're in a no win situation. His attitude may be impacting on your anxiety and your child being unsettled.

His attitude massively impacts on my anxiety and I have tried to discuss this with him. We have discussed what works. But he now says for his mental health and anger issues he needs he’s hobby at least two nights a week plus further adrenaline rush

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SergeantDawkins · 07/05/2025 13:08

He’s not going to get any better at doing DC bedtime alone unless he actually does it. Surely he can do one night a week “alone” - while you’re getting a few chores done, walking the dogs or popping to the shops quickly - in exchange for a night off to do his hobby.

theemmadilemma · 07/05/2025 13:08

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:02

Well, we had three months apart where I lived with my mum recently to test the waters… he didn’t do his hobby once.
He missed us and began falling apart.
he has started picking up more around the house, don’t get me wrong. But he could not do more if he had our daughter alone two nights a week. He would hate it.
She is amazing, but hard work. I think if he did he hobby one evening a week and one weekend day it’d be fine! But his hobby is limited to weeknights and he won’t compromise.

Show quote history

Is that his limitation on it being week nights?

Monvelo · 07/05/2025 13:08

Gosh it just sounds like everyone is unhappy in life. 3 lots of therapy going on. I'm not sure tinkering around the edges will fix things... Having said that things get incrementally easier with more sleep in the mix...

Sofasloth · 07/05/2025 13:08

When do you get your hobbies, adrenaline fixes and geeky alone time? You would be far better of sharing parenting 50:50 and him as an ex!

LilacMay · 07/05/2025 13:08

OrangeAndPistachio · 07/05/2025 13:05

@LilacMay oh , I know! My ex was the same , but in my experience when it was just me and the kids life was much easier than having to consider a useless adult in my daily plans. I genuinely feel like separation can be a huge improvement either way in most cases.

I agree too, my friend used to be in tears watching her partner swan around doing what he wanted

At least now they’ve split she says she knows what’s happening and can deal with being the sole parent

OrangeAndPistachio · 07/05/2025 13:07

@IGB9723 so he missed you facilitating his life? He sounds awful op.

wizzywig · 07/05/2025 13:07

I think if you gave him all the time in the world for his hobbies, you'd be doing everything at home, he'd find a woman at his hobbies who has time for him. You're in a no win situation. His attitude may be impacting on your anxiety and your child being unsettled.

Original poster

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:07

persikmeow · 07/05/2025 13:04

I came to say “Didn’t we all have our hobbies pre parenthood?” but tbh this is particularly outrageous. Does he also work? Assume he’d have to leave early for a 5.30pm hobby? What would happen if you were to take up a hobby during those hours?

I would be selfish, of course! “You knew that’s when my hobby is!”
he works 8-5 so gets there on time for hobby! Hobby doesn’t start till 18:30 but work is 45 mins from home and wouldn’t make sense to come home first so works longer.

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2024onwardsandup · 07/05/2025 13:06

OneRareCritic · 07/05/2025 13:03

I'm wondering if the decision to have a child was entirely mutual. A friend of mine is now having to face the fact that her husband would have preferred not to have any children but realised that his wife did want a family. They have one daughter. He has never been a hands on dad, but he has provided by working full time and at times has been the substantial financial contributor. My friend has learnt to accept the imbalance. I get the feeling that your husband is being more honest than most men about how he feels. My dad was in the RN, away for long periods. My parents marriage worked because they both accepted that being at home parent wasn't going to work for him and Mum realised how life would be from the start.

Well then he shouldn’t have had sex with her. The child his here - so he now has parental duties whether or not he wished jt

lots of women loathe day to day childcare - but they still do it and don’t fuck off to paint small statues for hours

Original poster

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:05

OneRareCritic · 07/05/2025 13:03

I'm wondering if the decision to have a child was entirely mutual. A friend of mine is now having to face the fact that her husband would have preferred not to have any children but realised that his wife did want a family. They have one daughter. He has never been a hands on dad, but he has provided by working full time and at times has been the substantial financial contributor. My friend has learnt to accept the imbalance. I get the feeling that your husband is being more honest than most men about how he feels. My dad was in the RN, away for long periods. My parents marriage worked because they both accepted that being at home parent wasn't going to work for him and Mum realised how life would be from the start.

My dad was in the army too and I’ve spoken to my mum about this. He was in army first before they met. They knew the drill and how it was going to be.
i didn’t sign up for a husband not helping care for our daughter during the week.

OP posts:

OrangeAndPistachio · 07/05/2025 13:05

@LilacMay oh , I know! My ex was the same , but in my experience when it was just me and the kids life was much easier than having to consider a useless adult in my daily plans. I genuinely feel like separation can be a huge improvement either way in most cases.