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Original poster

Husband's evening hobby making things hard

635 replies

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:44

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Original poster
IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:23

SJM1988 · 07/05/2025 13:19

2 night a week hobby time is perfectly reasonable....adding joining the marines is not. I think especially if this therapist is also saying his hobby time would be beneficial to him, I would make an effort to make it work.

Its take planning. I'd suggest you sit down and lay on the table what your expectations are and what his expectations are and come to some compromise.

I have bad sleepers so I get it! But you need to make sure both you and you DH get that needed hobby time (whether it is exercise or just you time). You need time to not be the parents for an hour or so every now and again.

Me and DH both have 2 evenings a week each for hobby time, scheduled around children's activities (DS7 and DD3). I do dinner and bath on his hobby time nights (he is back for bedtime). He does bath and bed on my hobby time nights (I do dinner before I leave).
Cleaning happens at weekends around the kids activities.

Its taken work and a few changes to the schedule but it finally works - our youngest is 3.

see this would work, except his hobby is a specific time and would miss dinner, bath and bed. I’ve told him dinner has to be prepped beforehand and ready for me to heat. He has said yeah that’s fine, “but you need to help me plan it and sometimes you’ll have to make it”.
he even suggests making more portions of the dinner the bight before for us to have again.

but then he never does any of it, because we simply don’t have the time. So it just doesn’t work. Yet he still goes to his hobby and doesn’t understand why I’m a wreck when he gets back.

I’m happy to make time for hobbies, but I think twice during the week is a bit much. I’m supposed to be starting study and exams to qualify in my role in the next year, but that just will not work as it is. And he wants more time for him.

OP posts:
3peassuit · 07/05/2025 13:23

Selfish git. What a convenient comment from his therapist.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 07/05/2025 13:22

Sunbline · 07/05/2025 13:20

Does he have PTSD?

Show quote history

No but his poor wife probably does being married to that waste of space.

MySweetGeorgina · 07/05/2025 13:21

This is not uncommon at all in relationships when young kids are involved

the man keeps centering himself and putting his needs first

the woman put a tge family/kids needs first, then the husband, and only then herself

You need to start to think a bit like a man, if you want more fairness and if you want to continue your relationship with this selfish man.

so book yourself equal amounts of nights off where he does EVERYTHING (just like you do)

leave your mum out of the equation and only get her to babysit if it is for YOUR sake and YOUR event

honestly, this is a very common thing in marriage and I fought through it myself with the help of wise MNers

For me it ultimately worked when I acted more like a man, took up various hobbies and kept score about who got how many nights out etc. He was annoyed by my “score keeping” and complained we were never together if I wanted to be out 3x a week as well….

the alternative would have been divorce though

we are now 20 yrs in and still together, but it’s a fact that DH respected me a lot more once I became more “selfish” , sad as that may be. I got really good at my hobby though and made tonnes of new friends 🙂

good luck

Profhilodisaster · 07/05/2025 13:21

2024onwardsandup · 07/05/2025 12:51

Bollocks his therapist said that

Some therapists are awful and just make matters worse.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 07/05/2025 13:21

Fuck me, does this prince of a man have a brother. Asking for the women of the world!

Also, please encourage him to get the snip so when you throw the useless bastard out he doesn't create any more children.

Sunbline · 07/05/2025 13:20

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:15

Only at home. He’s always had them since we knew, regardless of how much adrenaline rushes he got or exercise. Think his therapist is chatting shit or my husband is exaggerating what has been said.

Show quote history

Does he have PTSD?

MostlyHappyMummy · 07/05/2025 13:20

Take the same amount of free time as him - this is crucial for working out what your marriage and child mean to him

I suspect your marriage won't survive 2 weeks of him having to do any solo parenting and extra house chores

Then you will see that life would be easier without him

LilacMay · 07/05/2025 13:20

2JFDIYOLO · 07/05/2025 13:19

I'm sorry, you're not going to like hearing this:

He doesn't like being part of a family

He doesn't like being married

He doesn't like being your husband

He doesn't like being a father

He doesn't like being at home

What he does like is his little hobby that conveniently takes him away from aaaaaaall those distractions, and a flying monkey therapist who's agreeing with him that he neeeeeeeeeeds this.

Oh and now he's going into the military?

He's left already.

THIS!!

Coffeeishot · 07/05/2025 13:19

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:58

This is the issue though, he feels if I’m not doing something like exercise it’s not good enough. There is also often not the time in the week for me to have that time off. There’s too much to do. We have two dogs that need taking care of too.

Show quote history

He sounds horrible is his hobby "the gym," so he work out and look at himself in a mirror by any chance?

2JFDIYOLO · 07/05/2025 13:19

I'm sorry, you're not going to like hearing this:

He doesn't like being part of a family

He doesn't like being married

He doesn't like being your husband

He doesn't like being a father

He doesn't like being at home

What he does like is his little hobby that conveniently takes him away from aaaaaaall those distractions, and a flying monkey therapist who's agreeing with him that he neeeeeeeeeeds this.

Oh and now he's going into the military?

He's left already.

SJM1988 · 07/05/2025 13:19

2 night a week hobby time is perfectly reasonable....adding joining the marines is not. I think especially if this therapist is also saying his hobby time would be beneficial to him, I would make an effort to make it work.

Its take planning. I'd suggest you sit down and lay on the table what your expectations are and what his expectations are and come to some compromise.

I have bad sleepers so I get it! But you need to make sure both you and you DH get that needed hobby time (whether it is exercise or just you time). You need time to not be the parents for an hour or so every now and again.

Me and DH both have 2 evenings a week each for hobby time, scheduled around children's activities (DS7 and DD3). I do dinner and bath on his hobby time nights (he is back for bedtime). He does bath and bed on my hobby time nights (I do dinner before I leave).
Cleaning happens at weekends around the kids activities.

Its taken work and a few changes to the schedule but it finally works - our youngest is 3.

LadyDanburysHat · 07/05/2025 13:19

Codlingmoths · 07/05/2025 13:15

’Dh, I think you’re telling me that your therapist says you can only be happy if you take much more from your relationship than you give. I can’t live with that so let’s separate again, permanently.’

i dont see any other solution. You get no time and all he wants is more more more me more me why aren’t you supporting enough and no you don’t deserve to go out if you’re not exercising me my more meeeeee.

This! Honestly, he is selfish, and you are doing nearly all of it anyway. This is never going to improve.

Original poster
IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:18

Sunbline · 07/05/2025 13:11

You sort of did though, he did his hobby 5 nights a week before having a child, although it was agreed he'd drop down to 2 it was obvious his hobby is a huge deal to him and it wouldn't be easy. Him being ex forces adds another element. I doubt this will get any better even with therapy tbh, everyone seems miserable and sadly you can't force someone to be a supportive, engaged father and partner. I'd consider if its worth it for you and what kind of life you want for yourself and your child.

Show quote history

Well, we’d actually had a few discussions and it was dropped to three nights a week after I said he was being selfish (working full time; part time degree and 5 nights at Muay Thai and the TA) so he has massively improved.
he also promised once we did have a child we would be the priority, and he would still need an outlet but it would work around us. Which it doesn’t.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 07/05/2025 13:18

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:02

Well, we had three months apart where I lived with my mum recently to test the waters… he didn’t do his hobby once.
He missed us and began falling apart.
he has started picking up more around the house, don’t get me wrong. But he could not do more if he had our daughter alone two nights a week. He would hate it.
She is amazing, but hard work. I think if he did he hobby one evening a week and one weekend day it’d be fine! But his hobby is limited to weeknights and he won’t compromise.

Show quote history

Would you want to move back now OP because it seems as if he had you back so you would do what he needs you to do not because he misses you

persikmeow · 07/05/2025 13:17

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:07

I would be selfish, of course! “You knew that’s when my hobby is!”
he works 8-5 so gets there on time for hobby! Hobby doesn’t start till 18:30 but work is 45 mins from home and wouldn’t make sense to come home first so works longer.

Show quote history

So twice a week he doesn’t see his child and you do all the dinner / bedtime / cleaning up? Doesn’t sound great if he isn’t prepared to do the same on two other days a week.

I have a very different situation at home but if in your example I would agree to doing two nights a week, I would expect him to make dinner the night before (so I just have to warm up), and clean up after he gets back home (as a minimum). And I would want to have time for my own hobbies.

Joining the marines - fuck no. Whilst I’d be prepared to solo parent for a bit at the weekend to give him a break, I expect the same in return.

gamerchick · 07/05/2025 13:17

His therapist said no such thing.

I'd be telling him he can do what he wants, once he's moved out and set up somewhere else. Yes it's hard on your own but it's hard and emotionally hard when there's someone else there who doesn't do their bit. One less adult to look after lightens the load.

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/05/2025 13:16

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:13

We share bedtime routines. He usually does 40% of bedtimes.
if he does bed time I cook and bath daughter. Then tidy and sort out everything for next day whilst he is doing that. And vice versa. On the days he has his hobby, I have to do everything…
I also don’t think it’s fair that in exchange for doing his hobby, I get to “do some chores” or “walk the dogs”…

Show quote history

So if he is alone when he does it, what is the difference?

He needs to parent his child. Hobbies can't come before that and I agree, you need more in return than just walking the dogs.

Codlingmoths · 07/05/2025 13:15

’Dh, I think you’re telling me that your therapist says you can only be happy if you take much more from your relationship than you give. I can’t live with that so let’s separate again, permanently.’

i dont see any other solution. You get no time and all he wants is more more more me more me why aren’t you supporting enough and no you don’t deserve to go out if you’re not exercising me my more meeeeee.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 07/05/2025 13:15

How often are your needs met and by who? When you highlight that his needs always seem to be the priority over both you and your child what’s his response? If he doesn’t need to do the hobby when you’re not living together does he acknowledge he’s using it as a coping mechanism and an escape?

Original poster
IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:15

DecayedStrumpet · 07/05/2025 13:12

Are these anger issues of his coming out at work, or only at home?

Only at home. He’s always had them since we knew, regardless of how much adrenaline rushes he got or exercise. Think his therapist is chatting shit or my husband is exaggerating what has been said.

OP posts:
OneRareCritic · 07/05/2025 13:15

Being ex forces your DP will also be only too familiar with relationships breaking down so even though he 'fell apart' when you went to your parents before, he would probably have accepted the break up and then he could rejoin the TA no probs and see your daughter on the weekends he is not on camp. I suspect that for him that could be a win.

MadamCholetsbonnet · 07/05/2025 13:14

Oh mate. It’s time to pull the plug on this shitshow isn’t it?

Original poster
IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:13

SergeantDawkins · 07/05/2025 13:08

He’s not going to get any better at doing DC bedtime alone unless he actually does it. Surely he can do one night a week “alone” - while you’re getting a few chores done, walking the dogs or popping to the shops quickly - in exchange for a night off to do his hobby.

We share bedtime routines. He usually does 40% of bedtimes.
if he does bed time I cook and bath daughter. Then tidy and sort out everything for next day whilst he is doing that. And vice versa. On the days he has his hobby, I have to do everything…
I also don’t think it’s fair that in exchange for doing his hobby, I get to “do some chores” or “walk the dogs”…

OP posts:
ballroompink · 07/05/2025 13:13

Sorry but anger issues as well...making your mental health worse, doesn't enjoy parenting, expects to live his life as he wants without any regard for you - it feels like if he can't or won't change, you'd be better off without him.