Husband's evening hobby making things hard

You’d be better off without him.

i also think he has lied to about his therapist saying that or has lied to his therapist about his home life doe then to suggest that.

I am quite appalled to read that he doesn’t like spending time with his child, and that alone would make me divorce him.

He brings nothing to your relationship and is a poor excuse for a father and a rubbish role model.

It’s funny how these so called mental health problems cause people not to be able pull their weight in relationships and raising children but happily allowed them to enjoy hobbies!

Must bin him, he’s a complete and utter loser.

The therapist will be saying whatever keeps him coming back and paying the fees.

This needs nipping in the bud, too, OP. I know it's not your fault at all, but it is not your daughter's responsibility to brighten her Dad's day (especially combined with him falling apart when he didn't see her). Neither you nor her are support humans for his big important Man Life.

I’m not sure where I settle on this one to be honest, although I think at the point you’re both in personal therapy plus couples therapy it’s probably time to acknowledge that something isn’t working.

I think the hobby thing is a tricky one. Twice a week really isn’t much, both my husband & I have hobbies we do more than that and I wouldn’t be particularly happy if I was told I couldn’t do them, nor would he. It is still important to have your own “things” as a parent, so I’d be trying to work out a compromise here. There’s 7 nights in a week, he can have 2, you can have 2 and it still leaves 3 together.

If he wants more time then is there a way it can be more family friendly? For example I love to run, I have a running buggy so I take my daughter with me. My husband wanted to do an extra gym class and found a child friendly one so that it doesn’t end up putting any extra on me.

I think you are massively BU

One parent should be able to cope alone for 2 or 3 evenings a week! It's parenting, not prison. There's no reason why both parents should be home together in the evening frankly, that's the beauty of not being a single parent. You take turn, and can have evenings off every other day (so you can exercise, and 2 nights a week is nothing) or meet friends.

He just needs to learn to cope with his child, the more practice the better.

You can organise meals together, but feeding a child in the evening doesn't require hours of prep in the kitchen!

Ask anyone who exercises properly, 3 nights a week is just about enough if you want to keep a semi-decent level. Not allowing someone to have 3 evenings a week is silly.

Could he meal prep and freeze meals for the week on a weekend day?
And how about taking the dogs out for a run to help his adrenaline deficit.

My experience is then menon the Regulars do everything they can to spend time with the Army while the Reserves are trying g to escape their families.

Do you think he can change. If not... make your plans for a better life. You don't have to be his Emotional Support Person if your health is better elsewhere

Oh the vague “hobby” nonsense.

Kick him out, that surely will give him the adrenaline rush he needs. If he falls apart not being with you, sucks to be him.

Nah he needs to fuck off the hobby and attend some dads parenting classes and support groups for dads to get his confidence up being a goddamn parent.

I reckon that’s some of his issue around needing therapy is He’s not doing well at ‘dad/husband’ stuff so isn’t satisfied and is checking out. Hobbies aren’t going to fix it.

being a better father will and the only way for that to work is getting into the thick of it and learning the hard way. Doing it.

Has he got PTSD from active service and needing to be immersed and diverted the whole time to avoid having to deal with it? Does he need more/ different therapy?

The therapist was probably just reflecting back / rephrasing what he'd been saying himself, to try to get him to reflect on it or find solutions.

Therapist: "It sounds like you miss those bigger adrenaline rushes?" [... why do you think that is...? Is there a way you can achieve the same feeling without leaving your family in the lurch...?]

Useless Husband: "Yes, exactly! Now can you persuade my awful nagging wife to get off my case and let me chase that high?"

This is not a fair division of labour. No to TA for now. Maybe when DC is older….?
Good luck op.

Get rid.. Bet yuri anxiety lifts a hell of a lot then.
Is joining the foreign legion still A Thing? Pack his bags and send him off.
He is Bob Useless...

The Collins dictionary defines a hobby thus: "A hobby is an activity that you enjoy doing in your spare time." (The underlining is mine)

As he has no spare time, between therapy and parenting responsibilities, he should have no hobby until the kids get older. It really is that simple.

My partner spends a lot of time doing up cars and I often say that I'd rather he was playing around with cars than other women.
I had a boyfriend before him who went to the Territorial Army and he turned out to be a military fantasist, spending a lot of time in the pub talking about the military.

Sorry I got the impression that you meant he didn’t do one on one bedtime with DD at all.
No I completely agree you shouldn’t be doing chores during that time. You’re right. I thought he wasn’t able to do bedtime alone, which meant you’d need to be around while he’s doing bedtime opposed to being totally off doing your own thing. Sorry if you’ve already said but do you have a hobby you’d like to do in your own time?

So the nights that he is doing DD bedtime you’re doing everything else, so when you’re doing DD bedtime shouldn’t he be the one doing everything else? Can he cook? Bathe DD? It feels like he gets the nice part reading a story and tucking in but no actual parental responsibility.

I could not be with such a selfish, disrespectful, self-absorbed man. He's inadequate for you both, he can't manage anyone other than himself.

And I wouldn't want my child living with a man who puts her last after his job, his current hobbies, an extra adrenaline rush, volunteer army work, who doesn't pull his weight at home and frankly shows her with his actions that he'd rather be anywhere than at home with her. No better way to tell her she's not enough, and we all know people who have been damaged for life by this attitude from a parent.

Why do you need to give him so much rope? Don't you think you're worth more than this? Without him in your life you could do it all as you'd organise childcare around your needs, not his entirely selfish needs with you being thrown the odd optional luxury of doing chores or walking the dogs.

God I'm angry for you.

my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

He could. But he doesn’t want to.

but you have bigger problems here. A husband who can’t cope alone with his own child for starters.

Nor a husband for that matter!